23

Ellipsis

省略的時間

1. There is an Arabic saying that the soul travels at the pace of a camel. While most of us are led by the strict demands of timetables and diaries, our soul, the seat of the heart, trails nostalgically behind, burdened by the weight of memory. If every love affair adds a certain weight to the camel's load, then we can expect the soul to slow according to the significance of love's burden. By the time it was finally able to shrug off the crushing weight of her memory, Chloe had nearly killed my camel.有句阿拉伯諺語說美侦，靈魂以駱駝的緩慢步伐行進沦补。當(dāng)既定了時間表的現(xiàn)實以無情的動力迫使我們前行時，我們心之所在的靈魂卻飽含懷舊溉旋，擔(dān)負(fù)著沉重的記憶跟在后面疗涉。如果每一次情事都給駱駝增加一點背負(fù)，那么可以想見，巨大的愛情負(fù)擔(dān)會令靈魂舉步維艱。在靈魂最終能卸去記憶的重?fù)?dān)之前逸雹，克洛艾險些殺死我的駱駝。

2. With her departure had gone all desire to keep up with the present. I lived nostalgically, that is, with constant reference to my life as it had been with her. My eyes were never really open, they looked backwards and inwards to memory. I would have wished to spend the rest of my days following the camel, meandering through the dunes of yesteryear, stopping at charming oases to leaf through images of happier days. The present held nothing for me, the past had become the only inhabitable tense. What could the present be next to it but a mocking reminder of the one who was missing? What could the future hold beside yet more wretched absence? 我對現(xiàn)實的所有欲望都隨著她的離去而消逝性芬。我生活在懷舊之中，不停地回首和她共度的時光剧防。我的眼睛從沒有真正睜開植锉，只是向后，向記憶深處回眸峭拘。我寧愿讓余生跟隨駱駝行走俊庇，若有所思地穿越記憶的沙丘，休憩在迷人的綠洲鸡挠，翻閱往日的快樂時刻』员ィ現(xiàn)在時對我毫無意義，過去時才是惟一適宜的時態(tài)拣展。除了提醒我想起那個離開的人兒彭沼，現(xiàn)在還能有什么意義？除了讓我遭受更多因她的離去而帶來的傷痛备埃，未來還有什么姓惑？

3. When I was able to drown myself in memory, I would sometimes lose sight of the present without Chloe, hallucinating that the break-up had never occurred and that we were still together, as though I could have called her up at any time and suggested a film at the Odeon or a walk through the park. I would choose to ignore that she had decided to settle with Will in a small town in southern California; the mind would slip from factual reporting into a fantasy of the idyllic days of elation and laughter. Then, all of a sudden, something would throw me violently back into the Chloe-less present. The phone would ring and on my way to pick it up I would notice (as if for the first time, and with all the pain of that initial realization) that the place in the bathroom where Chloe used to leave her hairbrush was now empty. And the absence of that hairbrush would be like a stab in the heart, an unbearable reminder that she had left.當(dāng)我沉溺于記憶深處時褐奴，我有時會忘了克洛艾已經(jīng)離去，會幻想我們從沒有分手于毙，仍然相依相隨敦冬，好像我隨時可以打電話給她，提議去奧第恩看場電影唯沮，或是到公園里散散步脖旱。我不顧她已經(jīng)在加利福尼亞南部一個小鎮(zhèn)與威爾訂立終身，思想仍想從事實身邊溜走介蛉，幻想充滿狂歡萌庆、愛情和笑聲的田園詩般的時光。然后甘耿，什么東西會猛然將我拉回沒有克洛艾的現(xiàn)在踊兜。當(dāng)電話鈴聲響起，我走過去接聽時佳恬，就會發(fā)現(xiàn)（好像是第一次才發(fā)現(xiàn)捏境，有著初次發(fā)現(xiàn)的痛苦）浴室里無洛艾過去常常放發(fā)刷的位置空空如也。那發(fā)刷的消失猶如心頭的傷口毁葱，在殘忍地提醒我：她已經(jīng)離去垫言。

4. The difficulty of forgetting her was compounded by the survival of so much of the external world that we had shared together, and in which she was still entwined. Standing in my kitchen, the kettle might suddenly release the memory of Chloe filling it up, a tube of tomato paste on a supermarket shelf might by a form of bizarre association remind me of a similar shopping trip months before. Driving across the Hammersmith flyover late one evening, I recalled driving down the same road on an equally rainy night but with Chloe next to me in the car. The arrangement of pillows on my sofa evoked the way she placed her head down on them when she was tired, the dictionary on my bookshelf was a reminder of her passion for looking up words she did not know. At certain times of the week when we had traditionally done things together, there was an agonizing parallel between the past and present: Saturday mornings would bring back our gallery expeditions, Friday nights certain clubs, Monday evenings certain television programmes...曾經(jīng)共度的生活留下了太多的痕跡，而今她的身影依然隱現(xiàn)其間倾剿，讓忘卻越發(fā)困難了筷频。站在廚房里，水壺也許突然使我想起克洛艾曾把它灌滿水前痘；超市貨架上的一罐番茄醬會奇異地讓我記起幾個月前一次類似的購物凛捏；深夜駕車經(jīng)過漢默史密斯高架橋時，我會回憶起從前同樣的雨夜芹缔，我曾駕車駛過這同樣的路段坯癣，不同的是當(dāng)時有克洛艾坐在旁邊；整理沙發(fā)坐墊喚醒我的記憶：她累了就會將頭枕在上面最欠；書架上的辭典告訴我示罗，她曾經(jīng)多么熱情地從中查找不認(rèn)識的字。一周的某些時段芝硬，我們習(xí)慣一起做些事蚜点，也成了過去和現(xiàn)在令人痛苦的對比：星期六上午使我想起我們參觀美術(shù)館、星期五夜晚到一些俱樂部去拌阴、星期一晚上看某檔電視節(jié)目绍绘。

5. The physical world refused to let me forget. Life is crueller than art, for the latter usually assures that physical surroundings reflect characters' mental states. If someone in a Garcia Lorca play remarks on how the sky has turned low, dark, and grey, this is no longer an innocent meteorological observation, but a symbol of a psychological state. Life gives us no such handy markers -- a storm comes, and far from this being a harbinger of death and collapse, during its course, a person discovers love and truth, beauty and happiness, the rain lashing at the windows all the while. Similarly, in the course of a beautiful warm summer day, a car momentarily loses control on a winding road and crashes into a tree fatally injuring its passengers.物質(zhì)世界不讓我忘記過去。生命比藝術(shù)還要殘酷。后者常常使人確信脯倒，物質(zhì)環(huán)境反映人的精神狀況实辑。如果洛爾卡的劇作里的某個人物說，天空變得多么低沉藻丢、灰暗剪撬，這已不再是一個單純的氣象觀測，而是心理狀態(tài)的象征∮品矗現(xiàn)實生活中沒有那么多外部環(huán)境與精神世界的精巧一致——一場暴風(fēng)雨來了残黑，雨水一直撲打窗戶，這遠(yuǎn)非死亡和崩潰的預(yù)兆斋否，相反梨水，一個人可以從中發(fā)現(xiàn)愛情和真理、美麗和幸福茵臭。同樣疫诽，美麗溫暖的夏日，一條崎嶇的道路上旦委，一輛車可能會突然失控奇徒，撞到樹上，給乘客致命的傷害缨硝。

6. The external world did not follow my inner moods, the buildings that had provided the backdrop to my love story and that I had animated with feelings derived from it now stubbornly refused to change their appearance so as to reflect my inner state. The same trees lined the approach to Buckingham Palace, the same stuccoed houses fronted the residential streets, the same Serpentine flowed through Hyde Park, the same sky was lined with the same porcelain blue, the same cars drove through the same streets, the same shops sold much the same goods to much the same people.但是外部世界并沒有隨著我的內(nèi)心情緒的變化而變化摩钙，那些構(gòu)成我愛情故事背景的建筑，那些讓我從中獲得生命力的建筑查辩，如今頑固地拒絕改變它們的模樣以反映我的內(nèi)心姿態(tài)胖笛。通向白金漢宮的那條路旁的樹還是那些樹；住宅區(qū)街道前面那些拉毛墻飾的房屋還是那些房屋宜岛；流過海德公園的那條舍潘泰河還是那條河长踊；天空仍然是那樣的瓷器藍(lán)；開過街道的還是那些車萍倡；同樣的商店仍然將同樣的商品賣給同樣的顧客身弊。

7. This refusal of change was a reminder that the world was an entity that would spin on regardless of whether I was in love or out of it, happy or unhappy, alive or dead. It could not be expected to change its expressions according to my moods, nor would the great blocks of stones that formed the streets of the city take time to consider my love story. Though they had been happy to accommodate my happiness, they had better things to do than to come crashing down now that Chloe was gone.這種穩(wěn)固不變提醒我，世界并不反映我的內(nèi)心遣铝，它是一個旋轉(zhuǎn)著的獨立實體佑刷，不管我戀愛還是失戀莉擒，幸福還是悲傷酿炸、活著還是死去。不可能期望世界隨著我的情緒變化而改變它的面目涨冀；也不可能期望組成城市街道的巨大石塊為我破裂的愛情故事發(fā)出詛咒之聲填硕。盡管它們曾經(jīng)幸福地迎合了我的幸福，它們現(xiàn)在還有更好的事情去做，而不是在克洛艾走后就隨之崩塌扁眯。

8. Then, inevitably, I began to forget. A few months after breaking up with her, I found myself in the area of London in which she had lived and noticed that the thought of her had lost much of the agony it had once held, I even noticed that I was not primarily thinking of her (though this was exactly her neighbourhood), but of the appointment that I had made with someone in a restaurant nearby. I realized that Chloe's memory had neutralized itself and become a part of history. Yet guilt accompanied this forgetting. It was no longer her absence that wounded me, but my growing indifference to it. Forgetting, however calming, was also a reminder of infidelity to what I had at one time held so dear.然后我不可避免地開始遺忘壮莹。與她分手幾個月后，我發(fā)覺當(dāng)自己走過倫敦她曾居住的那個地方姻檀，再次想起她時命满，曾經(jīng)有過的巨大痛苦消亡殆盡。我甚至發(fā)覺首先想起的并不是她（盡管就在她住的那個區(qū)）绣版，而是我曾與別人在附近一個餐館的約會胶台。我意識到對克洛艾的記憶淡化了，成為歷史的一部分杂抽。然而負(fù)罪伴隨著忘卻诈唬。令我傷心的不再是她的離去，而是我對此日甚一日的冷漠缩麸。忘卻是死亡的提示铸磅，是失落的提示，是背棄我自己曾一度珍視無比的愛情的提示杭朱。

9. There was a gradual reconquering of the self, new habits were created and a Chloe-less identity built up. My identity had for so long been forged around 'us' that to return to the 'I' involved an almost complete reinvention of myself. It took a long time for the hundreds of associations that Chloe and I had accumulated together to fade. I had to live with my sofa for months before the image of her lying on it in her dressing-gown was replaced by another image, the image of a friend reading a book on it, or of my coat lying across it. I had to walk through Islington on numberless occasions before I could forget that Islington was not simply Chloe's district, but a useful place to shop or have dinner. I had to revisit almost every physical location, rewrite over every topic of conversation, replay every song and every activity that she and I had shared in order to reconquer them for the present, in order to defuse their associations. But gradually I forgot.自制逐漸恢復(fù)阅仔，新的習(xí)慣養(yǎng)成了，一個克洛艾滲入較少的自我建立起來痕檬，霎槐。我長久以來一直圍繞著“我們”打造出來的身份，現(xiàn)在幾乎發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個全新的自我梦谜，重新回到了“我”丘跌。時間過去很久，克洛艾和我之間的成百上千個聯(lián)系才消逝不見唁桩。好幾個月后我才能淡忘她穿著晨衣躺在我的沙發(fā)上的樣子闭树，而由另外的影子——一個朋友坐在上面看書，或是我的外套放在上面——代替荒澡。我得有無數(shù)次走過伊斯靈頓才能適應(yīng)报辱，伊斯靈頓不僅是克洛艾所在的區(qū)，還是購物和餐飲的絕好去處单山。我得重新參觀每一個地點碍现、重提每一個話題、重唱每一首歌曲以及重新進行每一個活動米奸，只有重溫和克洛艾共同創(chuàng)造的這些舊事昼接，我才能重新適應(yīng)現(xiàn)在，才能忘記與克洛艾的這些聯(lián)系悴晰。然而我逐漸忘卻了慢睡。

10. My time with Chloe folded in on itself, like an accordion that contracts. My love story was like a block of ice gradually melting as I carried it through the present. The process was like a film camera which had taken a thousand frames a minute, but was now discarding most of them, selecting according to mysterious whims, landing on a certain frame because an emotional state had coalesced around it. Like a century that is reduced and symbolized by a certain pope or monarch or battle, my love affair refined itself to a few iconic elements (more random than those of historians but equally selective): the look on Chloe's face as we kissed for the first time, the light hairs on her arm, an image of her standing waiting for me in the entrance to Liverpool Street Station, her white pullover, her laugh when I told her my joke about the Russian in a train through France, her way of running her hand through her hair...時光縮略了逐工，就像手風(fēng)琴一樣有伸展有收縮，流淌如伸展漂辐，記住的只是收縮泪喊。我的克洛艾的那一段生活就像一塊冰，我?guī)е靶兴柩模F(xiàn)在已經(jīng)逐漸融化袒啼。就像眼前的事件，最終也會變成歷史纬纪。在這過程中瘤泪，它們被壓縮成一些中心細(xì)節(jié)。這個過程就像攝影機為一分鐘的電影拍攝了成千的片段育八，但是卻被剪掉了大部分对途，只根據(jù)神秘的想法選擇一些片段，組合成某個畫面髓棋，只因為那與一種情緒狀態(tài)吻合实檀。就像一個世紀(jì)被簡化和象征為一個特定的教皇、或一個王朝按声、或一場戰(zhàn)爭膳犹，我的愛情被提煉為一些圖像（同樣是選取，但比那些歷史學(xué)家更為隨機）：我們每一次接吻時克洛艾臉上的表情签则、她胳膊上淺淡的汗毛须床、她站在利物浦地鐵站入口處等我時的身影、她白色的套衫渐裂、當(dāng)我講起“乘火車經(jīng)過法國的俄羅斯人”這個笑話時她的笑聲豺旬、她用手拂弄頭發(fā)的樣子……

11. The camel became lighter and lighter as it walked through time, it kept shaking memories and photos off its back, scattering them over the desert floor and letting the wind bury them in the sand, and gradually the camel became so light that it could trot and even gallop in its own curious way - until one day, in a small oasis that called itself the present, the exhausted creature finally caught up with the rest of me.在時光中行走的駱駝越來越輕快，不斷將記憶和照片甩下背去柒凉，撒落在沙漠上族阅，讓風(fēng)沙掩埋它們。漸漸地膝捞，駱駝是那樣地輕快坦刀，能夠小跑進來，甚至以它自己奇怪的方式飛奔起來——直到有一天蔬咬，在一片小小的自稱為“現(xiàn)在”的綠洲上鲤遥，筋疲力盡的心靈終于追趕上我的其余部分，與它們合而為一林艘。