作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創(chuàng)始人）
我們究竟從哪里得到這么一個荒誕的觀念揍愁，認(rèn)定若要孩子做得更好蝴悉，就得先要讓他們感覺更糟？這是以懲罰為前提咆贬，是真正的荒誕偷崩。想想上次你感覺被其他成年人責(zé)罵和羞辱了辟拷。你會想：“這是如此的有幫助，我真的很感激阐斜，我現(xiàn)在做的好多了衫冻，我迫不及待地想向你請教我所有的問題≮顺觯”不可能隅俘。事實是，當(dāng)兒童（和成人）感覺好時笤喳，他們會做的更好为居。
阿德勒心理學(xué)的一個主要觀點是：一個行為不當(dāng)?shù)暮⒆邮且粋€缺乏鼓勵的孩子。最強大的變化動力是鼓勵莉测。如果一個兒童或成人的行為不當(dāng)源于失望颜骤，當(dāng)他或她感到被鼓勵了，不當(dāng)行為的動機接著就會消失捣卤。
很多年前忍抽，我決定檢驗一下這個理論八孝。我兩歲的兒子一直哼哼唧唧，把我心煩得恨不得揍他鸠项。但是干跛，我想到了鼓勵的概念，便跪下來祟绊，給了他一個擁抱楼入，并且告訴他我是多么愛他。他不僅停止了哼唧和哭鬧牧抽，而且我的煩燥情緒也奇跡般地消失了嘉熊。
如果一個孩子走過來，天真無邪地對你說：“我是一個孩子扬舒，我只是想有所歸屬阐肤，”你會生氣嗎？會以任何方式讓他失望嗎讲坎？當(dāng)然不會孕惜！然而，大多數(shù)成年人沒有認(rèn)識到晨炕，一個行為不當(dāng)?shù)暮⒆釉跐撘庾R中是在說：“我只是想有所歸屬衫画，而我對如何獲得歸屬感有一些錯誤的想法∥屠酰”要一個成年人認(rèn)識到孩子內(nèi)心的沮喪削罩，并予以鼓勵，而不是更多的阻止反應(yīng)遵馆，這很困難鲸郊。更容易的是用我們自己更多的負(fù)面方式來“反應(yīng)”孩子的不當(dāng)行為。
許多發(fā)生在家庭和教室的情形货邓，雖然旨在鼓勵秆撮，卻培養(yǎng)不出勇氣。成人試圖通過懲罰和獎勵换况，以激勵變化职辨。積極的結(jié)果是暫時的，通常隱含著更多的沮喪失望戈二。兒童可能會為了避免懲罰或獲得獎勵而做的更好舒裤，但他們付出的代價是內(nèi)在自我控制的丟失，自信的喪失觉吭，以及學(xué)習(xí)生活技能機會的損失腾供。
德雷克斯強調(diào)鼓勵，并且認(rèn)為這是成年人在幫助孩子時應(yīng)該學(xué)會的最重要的技能。他說過很多次伴鳖，“孩子需要鼓勵节值，正如植物需要水。沒有鼓勵榜聂，他們就無法生存搞疗。”
鼓勵的詞根须肆，當(dāng)然是匿乃，勇氣。當(dāng)我們努力鼓勵別人和我們自己時豌汇，實際上是在幫助發(fā)展勇氣以面對生活中的挑戰(zhàn)和困難幢炸。
- A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child? By Dr. Jane Nelsen
From www.positivediscipline.com
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that the way to make a child "do" better is to first make him or her "feel worse"? That is the premise of punishment; and it is truly crazy. Think of the last time you felt scolded and humiliated by another adult. Were you thinking, "This is so helpful. I really appreciate it. I will now do so much better, and I can hardly wait to consult you will all my problems." Unlikely. The truth is that children (and adults) do better when they feel better.
A theme of Adlerian psychology is that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. The most powerful motivation for change is encouragement. If a child—or adult—misbehaves out of discouragement, it follows that the motive for misbehavior is removed when he or she feels encouraged.
Many years ago I decided to test this theory. My two-year-old son had been whining and I was so annoyed I felt like spanking him. Instead, remembering the concept of encouragement, I knelt down, gave him a hug, and told him how much I loved him. Not only did he stop whining and crying, but my annoyance magically disappeared.
If a child came up to you and innocently said, "I am a child, and I just want to belong," could you get angry and put that child down in any way? Of course not! What most adults don’t realize is that any child who is misbehaving is subconsciously saying, "I just want to belong, and I have some mistaken ideas about how to accomplish belonging." It takes courage from an adult to recognize the discouragement in a child and to respond with encouragement instead of more discouragement. It is much easier to "react" to the misbehavior with more misbehavior of our own.
Much of what takes place in homes and classrooms, though intended to encourage, does not foster courage. Adults attempt to motivate change through punishment and reward. Positive results are temporary and usually involve a heavy dose of discouragement. Children may do better to avoid the punishment or to gain the reward, but the price they pay is the loss of an inner locus of control, the loss of self-confidence, and the loss of opportunities to learn life skills.。
Dreikurs emphasized encouragement and taught that it is the most important skill adults can learn in helping children. He said many times, "Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it."
The root word of encouragement is, of course, courage. When we strive to encourage others and ourselves, we are actually helping to develop courage to face life’s challenges and difficulties. Encouragement comes in many forms. Each of the many positive discipline tools is designed to help children feel better (encouraged), so they are motivated to do better. Watch for the foundation of encouragement in every Positive Discipline Tool we will be sharing.
