17-3-21 23:30 evening

My second personality is gradually coming out and becoming more powerful.

I think she is trying to manipulate me.

How can I let her stop?

We had progress meeting yesterday for the first time ever, she asked me to do several things for my own good. She told me to stop behaving childishly. She told me that Ms B was supporting me. Yes she did. I was shocked and my tears were about to run out. I still cannot believe this. I didn’t feel angry or mad anymore after what she said to me but I was grateful. Somehow upset by it. Another type of anger came out, not to others but to myself. I was so stupid and I misunderstood her. I thought she didn’t care because she didn’t reply anything back. But of course she does. I know she always does. She is the kindest person I have ever seen in my life. After school I told my friend about this. But for some reason the next day I got told off for telling them. Today she sent me an email, telling me that she is very disappointed. I was confused but also angry. And very upset of course. I was confused about the fact that she has found out I told them, I’m angry at myself that I keep upsetting people but I’m also angry at those people who told her. I’m upset because I let her down and I really don’t want that to happen, also because of everything that I have done. I’m trying. I don’t want her to be sad and I didn’t mean to let her down. But she is now, extremely disappointed. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to explain to her that I didn’t mean to share it, all I wanted to share was about Ms B supporting me. But I can’t. Because she will think that I am making up of an excuse again. I made people stop trusting me. I can’t believe why I am doing such ridiculous things. I hate myself. I hate myself about the fact that I am so stupid and immature. I hate myself that I keep letting other people feel bad. I hate myself that I am so dishonest to people and I can never own up for something that I did. I hate myself that I keep telling people about things that I shouldn’t. But I am still angry even though I know I shouldn’t be. I am angry because they don’t listen, none of them. They think I betrayed my friends. They think I am the villain on this one. They didn’t let me explain. They didn’t want to know that she was making fun of me self harming. They didn’t want to know that she was laughing about the fact that I tried to kill myself. They didn’t want to know that I saved her life because of contacting her dad. Of course they didn’t want to know. Because I made them stop trusting me. They used to believe me. But it was me who changed this.