Why 30 is not the new 20?

“二十歲的人生，三十歲不能重來”倡蝙【糯看到這句話，你會想到什么寺鸥？

也許你能理解二十歲到三十歲這十年猪钮，是個黃金十年，代表著青春胆建、活力烤低、拼搏、努力......

也許你也想過笆载，在這個晚婚晚育的時代扑馁，三十歲剛剛好。

二十歲和三十歲的差距究竟在哪里凉驻？ 為什么三十歲不能活的像二十歲的時候腻要？

也許聽完這篇TED演講，你會有所感觸涝登，二十多歲你闯第，會更加握緊剩余不多的2字打頭時光；三十多歲的你缀拭，也會在3字打頭的時間里咳短，有所頓悟地填帽，繼續(xù)前行。

When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

二十多歲時咙好，我見到我第一位心理治療病患篡腌。

I was a Ph. D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

我當(dāng)時是柏克萊大學(xué)臨床心理學(xué)博士生。

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

她是名叫Alex的26歲女子勾效。

Now Alex walked into her first session, wearing jeans and a big slouchy top.

Alex第一次前來會談時嘹悼，穿著牛仔褲和寬大上衣。

And she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats.

她一屁股坐在我辦公室的沙發(fā)上层宫，踢掉她的平底鞋杨伙。

And told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

告訴我她想談?wù)勊湍腥说膯栴}。

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

聽見這句話時萌腿，我感到如釋重負(fù)限匣。

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

因為我同學(xué)的第一位病人是個縱火犯。

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

我的不過是想聊聊男人的20多歲的年輕女子啊毁菱。

This I thought I could handle.

我以為我能搞定這件事米死。

But I didn't handle it.

事實卻不然。

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.

聽著Alex在會談中所說的有趣故事贮庞，對我來說十分輕松峦筒，只需點頭，避而不談?wù)嬲膯栴}窗慎。

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

"三十歲不就是再活一次二十歲嘛"物喷，Alex說。

And as far as I could tell, she was right.

就我那時的想法遮斥，她說的沒錯峦失。

Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later.

工作、結(jié)婚都是之后的事伏伐，孩子是之后的事，甚至死亡也是之后的事晕拆。

Twentysomethings like Alex, and I had nothing but time.

像 Alex 這樣的二十多歲的年輕人藐翎，還有我，有的是時間实幕。

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

但不久后吝镣，指導(dǎo)教授催促我，去督促 Alex 積極面對她的戀愛關(guān)系昆庇。

I pushed back.

我不以為然末贾。

I said, "Sure, she's dating down. She's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy".

我說，"沒錯整吆，她有固定約會對象拱撵。她和一個蠢蛋上床辉川。但不代表她會和那個家伙結(jié)婚"。

And then my supervisor said,

于是指導(dǎo)教授說拴测，

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

"目前是如此乓旗，但或許她會和下一個蠢蛋結(jié)婚。

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one".

此外集索，Alex 經(jīng)營婚姻的最佳時機就是在她結(jié)婚前"屿愚。

That's what psychologists call an "Aha"! moment.

這就是心理學(xué)家所謂的「啊哈！」時刻务荆。

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

那一刻妆距，我領(lǐng)悟到我無法等到三十歲，再重頭過二十歲的生活函匕。

Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

沒錯娱据，人們比以往更晚成家立業(yè)，但不代表 Alex 的二十歲是她的發(fā)展停滯期浦箱。

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it.

而是 Alex 的最佳發(fā)展時機吸耿，我們卻坐視這段時光白白流逝。

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

此時我才明白善意的忽視酷窥，確實是個問題咽安，而且會有嚴(yán)重的后果。

Not just for Alex and her love life, but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.

不僅對 Alex 和她的愛情生活來說如此蓬推，對所有二十歲的年輕人的事業(yè)妆棒、家庭和未來亦然。

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

目前美國有五千萬名二十多歲的人口沸伏。

We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

大約占總?cè)丝诘?5%糕珊，或者說100%，如果考慮到任何邁入成年期的人毅糟，他們都曾經(jīng)歷過二十多歲這個年紀(jì)红选。

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

現(xiàn)場二十多歲的請舉手。

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

我非常希望在現(xiàn)場見到二十多歲的聽眾姆另。

Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome.

太好了喇肋！你們都棒極了。

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see.

如果你和二十多歲的年輕人共事迹辐，或是你的交往對象二十多歲蝶防，或者是你非常關(guān)心二十多歲的年輕人，我想知道你們在哪里明吩？

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

好间学，棒極了。二十歲左右，這個年齡真的很重要低葫。

So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know:

因此我專門研究了他們详羡，因為我認(rèn)為這五千萬名二十多歲年輕人中的每一位都該知道心理學(xué)家、社會學(xué)家氮采、神經(jīng)學(xué)家及生育專家都知道的事情殷绍。

That claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do.

二十歲左右的這個年齡是最單純，也最具可塑性的階段鹊漠。

For work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.

對工作主到、愛情和幸福來說，也許甚至對全世界來說躯概，都是登钥。

This is not my opinion. These are the facts.

這并非我個人的觀點，而是事實娶靡。

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35.

我們知道牧牢，人生中 80% 最具決定性的時刻發(fā)生于35歲前。

That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha"! moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.

這意味著你80%的決定姿锭、經(jīng)歷和「啊哈塔鳍！」時刻塑造了你的生活，而且發(fā)生于30歲中旬前呻此。

People who are over 40, don't panic.

超過40歲的人別慌轮纫。

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

我想在座的各位應(yīng)該沒問題。

We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

我們知道一份職業(yè)的最初十年焚鲜，對你未來的收入掌唾，有舉足輕重的影響。

We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

我們知道半數(shù)以上的美國人忿磅，30歲前結(jié)婚糯彬、同居或約會未來的終生伴侶。

We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

我們知道大腦在二十多歲這個年紀(jì)會歷經(jīng)第二次葱她，及最后一次成長高峰撩扒，以轉(zhuǎn)型為成人期。這意味著無論如何吨些，你都打算改變自己搓谆。

Now is the time to change it.

此刻正是最佳時機。

We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life.

我們知道性格在二十多歲這個年紀(jì)的變化也勝于人生其他階段锤灿。

And we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35.

我們知道女性生育高峰期是28歲挽拔，35歲后則每況愈下辆脸。

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.

因此二十年華正是了解自我身體狀況及選擇的最佳時機但校。

So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain.

因此當(dāng)我們談到兒童發(fā)展，我們都知道最初五年是大腦語言和情感依附的發(fā)展關(guān)鍵期啡氢。

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

這是日常生活對未來發(fā)展影響巨大的階段状囱。

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

但我們較少聽說的是所謂的成人發(fā)展术裸。二十歲的這個年紀(jì)，正是成人的發(fā)展關(guān)鍵期亭枷。

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

但很少有二十多歲的年輕人聽說過這件事袭艺。

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

報紙談?wù)摰目偸浅扇穗A段的變化。

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

研究人員稱二十歲世代為青春期的延續(xù)叨粘。

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

新聞記者賦予二十歲世代一些愚蠢的綽號猾编。

like "twixters" and "kidults".

例如「啃老族」和「大孩子」。

It's true.

確實如此升敲。

As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

文化使然答倡，我們輕忽了成人階段的決定性十年。

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.

倫納德·伯恩斯坦（著名指揮家）說驴党，欲達成偉大成就瘪撇，需要一個計劃和不甚充裕的時間。

Isn't that true?

事實不就是這樣嗎港庄？

So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

因此你認(rèn)為會發(fā)生什么事倔既，當(dāng)你拍著一位二十歲世代年輕人的頭說，"你的人生還有十年才開始"鹏氧？

Nothing happens.

什么也不會發(fā)生渤涌。

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.

你剝奪了那個人的迫切感和雄心，不會發(fā)生任何結(jié)果度帮。

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings, like you or like your sons and daughters, come into my office and say things like this:

日復(fù)一日地歼捏，這些聰明有趣的二十歲年輕人，如同你們或你們的子女笨篷，前來我辦公室說類似以下的話：

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time".

"我知道我男友不適合我瞳秽，但這段感情不能當(dāng)真，只是打發(fā)時間罷了"率翅。

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine".

或是练俐，"每個人都說，我只要在30歲前展開事業(yè)就沒問題"冕臭。

But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

但之后他們開始這么說："我二字頭的人生即將結(jié)束腺晾，但我卻一事無成。

I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college".

我最好從大學(xué)畢業(yè)那天就開始投履歷表"辜贵。

And then it starts to sound like this:

然后他們開始這么說：

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

"二十多歲時的約會就像玩搶座位游戲悯蝉。

Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down.

大家四處游蕩、樂在其中托慨。但30歲左右音樂逐漸停止鼻由，大家開始搶座。

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up.

我不想成為唯一站著的人。

so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

因此有時蕉世，我覺得和丈夫結(jié)婚蔼紧，只因為他是30歲時離我最近的椅子"。

Where are the twentysomethings here?

我們當(dāng)中二十幾歲的年輕人們呢狠轻？

Do not do that.

千萬別這么做奸例。

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high.

好，聽起來像是說笑向楼，但別誤會查吊，其中的風(fēng)險極大。

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

當(dāng)許多事拖延到三十歲的時候湖蜕，將造成三十歲極大的壓力菩貌。展開事業(yè)、選擇居住地重荠、尋找伴侶箭阶、在極短時間內(nèi)生兩三個孩子。

Many of these things are incompatible.

這些事大多無法同時兼顧戈鲁。

And as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

如近期研究結(jié)果顯示仇参，在三十歲左右同時完成這些事，難度和壓力將變得更大婆殿。

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

千禧年后的中年危機诈乒，不在于是否買輛紅色跑車。

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

而在于意識到無法擁有目前想要的事業(yè)婆芦。

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling.

在于意識到無法生出這時候所想要的孩子怕磨，或無法替孩子生出弟弟妹妹。

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s.

太多三十歲及四十歲左右的人消约，看看自己肠鲫，然后望著坐在房間另一頭的我，開始談?wù)撈鹚麄兊亩畾q生活或粮。

"What was I doing? What was I thinking"?

"我當(dāng)時在做什么导饲？在想什么"？

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

我希望改變二十歲時代的做法和想法氯材。

Here's a story about how that can go.

以下是關(guān)于如何著手的故事渣锦。

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

這是關(guān)于一位名叫Emma的女子的故事。

At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

25歲時氢哮，Emma來到我辦公室袋毙，因為她－根據(jù)她的說法－她正經(jīng)歷身份危機。

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet.

她說她認(rèn)為自己或許想從事藝術(shù)或娛樂工作冗尤，但尚未下定決心听盖。

So she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

因此過去幾年,她暫時擔(dān)任餐飲服務(wù)生贱除。

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

為了省錢，她和男友同居媳溺，他展現(xiàn)脾氣的能力更勝于雄心。

And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder.

盡管她的二十歲生活充滿艱辛碍讯，她之前的生活更是困難重重悬蔽。

She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends".

她經(jīng)常于會談中哭泣，但恢復(fù)平靜后捉兴，她說蝎困，"你無法選擇家庭，但可以選擇朋友"倍啥。

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour.

某天禾乘，Emma走進辦公室，把頭倚在膝蓋上虽缕，哭了將近一個小時始藕。

She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words.

她剛買了一本新通訊簿，她花了整個上午填寫聯(lián)系人數(shù)據(jù)氮趋，但接著她茫然地盯著伍派，以下文字后的空白。

"In case of emergency, please call . .". . .".

"發(fā)生緊急情況時剩胁，請撥打...

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

她幾乎是歇斯底里地看著我說诉植，

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

"如果出車禍，誰會陪在我身邊"昵观？

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer"?

"如果得癌癥晾腔，誰會照顧我"？

Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will".

當(dāng)時啊犬，我費盡心力才忍住說"我會"的沖動灼擂。

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

但 Emma 需要的并非一位對她關(guān)懷備至的治療師。

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emma 需要更好的生活觉至，我知道這是她的機會缤至。

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.

自從治療 Alex 后，我學(xué)到很多康谆。我不會坐視 Emma 的決定性十年领斥，白白流逝。

So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.

因此接下來幾周沃暗、幾個月中月洛，我告訴 Emma，三件每位二十歲世代年輕人孽锥，無論男女都該聆聽的忠告嚼黔。

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital.

首先细层，我要Emma忘了她的身份危機，累積一些身份資本唬涧。

By get identity capital, I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

至于累積身份資本疫赎，我指的是進行某些增加自我價值的事。

Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.

進行某些投資以達成理想中的自己碎节。

I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this:

我不知道 Emma 的工作前景捧搞，沒人知道任何工作的前景，但我確實知道這一點：

Identity capital begets identity capital.

身份資本將衍生身份資本狮荔。

So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try.

因此胎撇，此時正是接受那份跨國工作，那份實習(xí)職位和你想嘗試的創(chuàng)業(yè)的時機殖氏。

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination.

我并非反對二十歲年齡進行探索晚树，但我不贊同無意義的探索，順帶一提雅采，那并非探索爵憎，而是浪費時間。

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

我要 Emma 進行有意義的工作探索婚瓜。

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

其次纲堵，我告訴Emma人們高估了城市部落。

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work.

好友是載你去機場的絕佳人選闰渔，但二十歲左右的年輕人常聚集的對象席函，在于志同道合的同齡族群，局限于相識者冈涧，彼此知道的事茂附，相似的思考模式和說話方式，及工作地點督弓。

That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

新資本营曼、新約會對象幾乎總是來自圈外。

New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends.

新事物來自我們所謂的弱連結(jié)愚隧，例如朋友的朋友的朋友蒂阱。

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

因此，沒錯狂塘，半數(shù)二十多歲的人并未就業(yè)或擁有全職工作录煤。

But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

但其中一半并非如此凶掰，弱連結(jié)正是使你加入那個族群的方式粉捻。

Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that un-posted job.

半數(shù)新職位不曾公布，因此接觸鄰居的老板正是得到那份未公布工作的方法彰亥。

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

這并非投機泪漂，而是信息傳播原理廊营。

Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

最后歪泳，同樣重要的是，Emma 認(rèn)為你無法選擇家庭露筒，但可以選擇朋友呐伞。

Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

以她的成長經(jīng)歷來說確實如此，但作為一個二十多歲的年輕人慎式，Emma 很快就得選擇自己的家庭伶氢，當(dāng)她和某人結(jié)為連理，建立屬于自己的家庭瞬捕。

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

我告訴 Emma 此時正是她選擇家庭的時機。

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you.

你或許認(rèn)為30歲是較適當(dāng)?shù)某杉視r機舵抹，相較于20歲肪虎，甚至25歲，我同意這一點惧蛹。

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress.

但套牢某個和你同居或上床的人扇救，當(dāng)所有Facebook上的朋友開始步入禮堂時，這并非達成某項進展香嗓。

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.

經(jīng)營婚姻的最佳時機正是結(jié)婚前迅腔，這是指用心看待愛情，如同看待工作般靠娱。

Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.

家庭的選擇是有意識的選擇沧烈，選擇你想要的人和生活，而非僅是達成目標(biāo)或打發(fā)時間像云，與恰巧選擇你的人锌雀。

So what happened to Emma?

Emma 的后續(xù)情況如何？

Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state.

好迅诬，我們翻閱那本通訊簿腋逆，她發(fā)現(xiàn)一位前室友的親戚任職于他州的藝術(shù)博物館。

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

那個弱連結(jié)協(xié)助她在當(dāng)?shù)卣业揭环莨ぷ鳌?/p>

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

那份工作給了她離開同居男友的理由侈贷。

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

5年后的今天她成了博物館特殊活動規(guī)劃者惩歉。

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

她與一位用心選擇的人結(jié)婚。

She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said,

她愛她的新職業(yè)俏蛮，她愛她的新家庭撑蚌，她寄給我一張卡片，上面寫著搏屑，

"Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough".

"現(xiàn)在緊急聯(lián)系人一欄似乎不夠大了"锨并。

Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

Emma 的故事使這件事顯得輕而易舉，但這就是我喜愛輔導(dǎo)二十歲左右年輕人的原因睬棚。

They are so easy to help.

幫助他們十分容易第煮。

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west.

二十歲就像剛離開洛杉磯國際機場的飛機解幼，準(zhǔn)備前往西岸某處。

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

起飛后包警，航線稍微偏移撵摆，即降落阿拉斯加或斐濟的差別。

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

同樣地害晦，在21或25歲特铝，甚至29歲，一場有益的談話壹瘟、一次充分的休息鲫剿、一場卓越的TED演講，都將對未來幾年稻轨、甚至幾代來說灵莲，造成極大影響。

So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.

因此這是一個值得分享的想法殴俱，去分享給每位你所認(rèn)識的二十多歲的年輕人政冻。

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

這就像我于 Alex 的會談中所領(lǐng)悟到的道理一樣容易。

It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

這就是我現(xiàn)在有幸能時時給予像 Emma 這樣的二十歲世代的忠告：

Thirty is not the new 20.

二十歲的人生线欲，不能在三十歲重來明场。

So claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family.

因此把握你的成年期，累積一些身份資本李丰，利用你的弱連結(jié)苦锨，選擇你的家庭。

Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.

別受限于你不知道或不曾做過的事趴泌。

You're deciding your life right now.

此刻你正在決定你的人生逆屡。

Thank you.

謝謝。