3.3Appreciate the art of thoughtfuldisagreement.
欣賞深思熟慮的不同思維的藝術
When two people believeopposite things, chances are that one of them is wrong. It pays to find out ifthat someone is you. That’s why I believe you must appreciate and develop theart of thoughtful disagreement. In thoughtful disagreement, your goal is not toconvince the other party that you are right—it is to find out which view istrue and decide what to do about it. In thoughtful disagreement, both partiesare motivated by the genuine fear of missing important perspectives. Exchangesin which you really see what the other person is seeing and they really seewhat you are seeing—with both your “higher-level yous” trying to get to thetruth—are immensely helpful and a giant source of untapped potential.
To do this well, approach theconversation in a way that conveys that you’re just trying to understand.26Use questions rather than makestatements. Conduct the discussion in a calm and dispassionate manner, andencourage the other person to do that as well. Remember, you are not arguing;you are openly exploring what’s true. Be reasonable and expect others to bereasonable. If you’re calm, collegial, and respectful you will do a lot betterthan if you are not. You’ll get better at this with practice.
To me, it’s pointless when people getangry with each other when they disagree because most disagreements aren’tthreats as much as opportunities for learning. People who change their mindsbecause they learned something are the winners, whereas those who stubbornlyrefuse to learn are the losers. That doesn’t mean that you should blindlyaccept others’ conclusions. You should be what I call open-minded and assertiveat the same time—you should hold and explore conflicting possibilities in yourmind while moving fluidly toward whatever is likely to be true based on whatyou learn. Some people can do this easily while others can’t. A good exerciseto make sure that you are doing this well is to describe back to the person youare disagreeing with their own perspective. If they agree that you’ve got it,then you’re in good shape. I also recommend that both parties observe a“two-minute rule” in which neither interrupts the other, so they both have timeto get all their thoughts out.
Some people worry that operating this wayis time consuming. Working through disagreements does take time but it’s justabout the best way you can spend it. What’s important is that you prioritizewhat you spend time on and who you spend it with. There are lots of people whowill disagree with you, and it would be unproductive to consider all theirviews. It doesn’t pay to be open-minded with everyone. Instead, spend your timeexploring ideas with the most believable people you have access to.
If you find you’re at an impasse, agreeon a person you both respect and enlist them to help moderate the discussion.What’s really counterproductive is spinning in your own head about what’s goingon, which most people are prone to do—or wasting time disagreeing past thepoint of diminishing returns. When that happens, move on to a more productiveway of getting to a mutual understanding, which isn’t necessarily the samething as agreement. For example, you might agree to disagree.
Why doesn’t thoughtful disagreement likethis typically occur? Because most people are instinctively reluctant todisagree. For example, if two people go to a restaurant and one says he likesthe food, the other is more likely to say “I like it too” or not say anythingat all, even if that’s not true. The reluctance to disagree is the “l(fā)ower-levelyou’s” mistaken interpretation of disagreement as conflict. That’s why radicalopen-mindedness isn’t easy: You need to teach yourself the art of havingexchanges in ways that don’t trigger such reactions in yourself or others. Thiswas what I had to learn back when Bob, Giselle, and Dan told me I made peoplefeel belittled.
Holding wrong opinions inone’s head and making bad decisions based on them instead of having thoughtfuldisagreements is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind. Being able tothoughtfully disagree would so easily lead to radically improved decisionmaking in all areas—public policy, politics, medicine, science, philanthropy,personal relationships, and more.
當兩人相信相反的事物，機會就在于其中一個是錯誤的。代價就是發(fā)現(xiàn)錯的人是你瓦宜。那也是為甚我相信你必須欣賞并培養(yǎng)不同思考的藝術喷兼。深思熟慮的不同意見，你的目標不是說服對的一方—發(fā)現(xiàn)那方正確并決定接下來做什么。兩方都會因為害怕錯過重要的觀點而選擇屈服。將你真正看到對方看到的 和他們看到你正在看的交換-有了這兩者，“更高層次的你”努力嘗試發(fā)現(xiàn)真相—會非常有幫助稿静，并且是一個巨大的未被探聽的潛在優(yōu)勢。
想要做好這些辕狰，用你努力嘗試理解的方式傳達對話改备。用問題而不是稱述。用平靜和冷靜的方式進行討論蔓倍，鼓勵他人也這么做悬钳。記住，你不是在爭執(zhí)柬脸；你是在開放探索真相他去。合理并期待他人也合理。如果你冷靜倒堕，學術灾测，尊重你將比不這樣做的好的多。你會得到更好的結果垦巴。
對我而言媳搪，當人們遭遇不一致時通常會憤怒，但這是毫無意義的骤宣，因為大多數(shù)不同意見并不是學習機會的威脅秦爆。人們通常會從勝利者哪里改變自己的想法，那些頑固拒絕學習的人會成為失敗者憔披。這并不意味著盲目結束他人的結論等限。你應當同時像我說的那樣公開爸吮，自信—你應當堅守并探索沖突的想法，同時基于所學順滑過度到真相望门。有些人能輕易做到形娇，而有些不行。一項確保你能做好此項的訓練是與不同意見的復盤活動筹误。如果他們同意了你的成果桐早，你會處于有利情形。我也推薦兩方關注“20分鐘規(guī)則”—既不會打斷其他人厨剪，同時還能將他們所有的想法挖掘出來哄酝。
一些人會擔心這樣操作是浪費時間。與不同意見工作的確會消耗時間但確實你能依靠的最佳方式祷膳。重要的是你可以優(yōu)先決定耗費的事物和對象陶衅。一定有大量不同意見的人，而判斷所有觀點是非常低效的直晨。完全公開并不花費太多万哪。相反與眾多相信的人一起花費時間探索觀點才花費精力。
如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)處于僵局抡秆，對于一個你即尊敬又支持他們幫助緩和討論。真正困擾你的是接下來該怎么辦吟策？這也是大多數(shù)人容易做的—或者浪費時間爭執(zhí)很少回報的觀點儒士。如果發(fā)生，更加理智的理解應該通過更加有效的方法檩坚，而不必與協(xié)議一樣着撩。舉例，你可能會與反對方達成一致匾委。
為什么深思熟慮的反方通常不會這樣發(fā)生拖叙？因為大多數(shù)人本能的對反對不舒服。舉例赂乐，如果兩人去餐館薯鳍，一個人說喜歡美食，另一個多半會說“我也喜歡”或者根本不說什么挨措，即使不是真實情況挖滤。對反方不舒服的是“低層次的你”，反方的錯誤解釋是重復浅役。這也就是為什么徹底完全公開并不容易的原因：你需要教會自己自由切換而不引起這些反應的能力斩松。這也是我后來返回教給bob，吉賽爾的東西觉既，但后來告訴我讓人感覺被惧盹。
持有錯誤觀點并基于這些作出壞的決定乳幸，而不是擁有深思熟慮的反方意見是人類最大的悲劇。能深思熟慮的反對可能很容易并導致徹底促進決策制定—公共政策钧椰，政治粹断，醫(yī)學，科學演侯，哲學姿染，個人關系還有很多都是這樣。
a.baid??w?礠
