A Breakup Letter From The Internet To You
一封來自于 Internet 的分手信
蠻有意思的文章君珠，渣翻了一下娇斑。
Dear You,
親愛的你，
We need to talk. Can you please close that video of spaghetti-eating penguins? And, shut off your Spotify? And, stop Snapchatting about your Panera salad? And, put away your iPad, that Onion article can wait. Listen, you’re great and all, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
我們需要談?wù)労晾隆Ｄ憧梢韵汝P(guān)掉那個吃意大利面的企鵝的視頻嗎？然后關(guān)閉你的 Spotify（音樂服務(wù)網(wǎng)站） 摩窃？以及能不能別再拍你的 Panera 沙拉照片上傳到 Snapchat （照片分享應(yīng)用) 芬骄？放下你的 Ipad ，那篇 Onion （新聞網(wǎng)站） 上的文章可以等會兒再看账阻。聽著，你很優(yōu)秀也充滿魅力姻僧，但我認(rèn)為我們還是不要再見面了吧蒲牧。
You’re too damn clingy. It’s a real turn off. A few years ago, we only saw each other at home, in the evenings and maybe on the weekends. Now, it’s CONSTANT.
你太粘人了。這真的煩透了冰抢。幾年之前，我們只在家翠订、在晚上或許還在周末見面遵倦，但現(xiàn)在，幾乎是從不分開梧躺。
I need some space. We talk all the time and it’s driving me crazy. You have no self-control?—?hitting me up at work, when you’re driving, taking the train, waiting in line, hell, even when you’re taking a shit. No couple needs to go to the bathroom together. That’s too much and very unhealthy.
我需要一些空間。我們之間這種不停地交流讓我快要要瘋了棘脐。你缺少自制力，你在工作時找我蛀缝，在開車時目代，乘火車時，排隊時榛了，該死的，甚至當(dāng)你在拉粑粑的時候也會找我构哺。沒有情侶會一起上廁所战坤。這太過了并且也不健康。
Do you remember the old days when you called me from your landline? It was so sweet. You spent hours trying to get ahold of me. Then, when we did finally connect, you asked me about important world events, with only the occasional “Show Me Kathy Ireland Naked” requests. Now, you call me from the grocery store to see how much Kim Kardashian’s face transplant cost.
Life is a pearl of wisdom waiting for us to discover and I need to stimulate my mind and soul with that profundity. For christ’s sake, I understand quantum physics and you want to know how much Justin Bieber works out. She works out a lot. Let’s move on. Why don’t we talk about the mind-bending vastness of the cosmos? I hold scientific secrets that could demystify human existence and you call me from the gym to ask what Meek Mill is. Use your head a little, it’s an oatmeal company.
你還記得那些你只能通過電話線路找我的老時光么碟嘴？那是那樣的甜蜜囊卜。你花了數(shù)小時就為了連上我，然后我們終于連接在了一起栅组，你問我一些重要的國際實事，偶爾也會說：給我看看 Kathy Ireland 的裸體∪恤铮現(xiàn)在排截，你會在雜貨店里找我然后問 Kim Kardashian 的臉部移植花了多少錢。生活就是一顆智慧的珍珠等待著我們?nèi)ゲ烧习粒乙残枰屪约旱乃枷肱c靈魂達(dá)到那樣的深度∪险郑看在上帝的份上，我懂得量子力學(xué)然后你卻問我 Justin Bieber 賺了多少錢宦搬。他賺了很多。我們繼續(xù)间校。為什么我們不聊聊引人入勝的無垠宇宙？我擁有的科學(xué)秘密能深入淺出地解釋人類的存在而你卻在健身房問我 Meek Mill 是什么胁附？稍微動動你的腦子滓彰，那是燕麥公司。
It’s more than just our conversational void, though. I’ve grown up more than you. I mean, you asked me where to buy ecstasy the other day. Come on! I’m passed that stage of my life. I want to evolve, to become an intelligent, contributing member of society. You, however, seem completely satisfied Tweeting your groundbreaking thoughts on Donald Trump’s toupee. There’s more to life than barfing your every thought into my face, you know?
并且這并不僅僅是因為交流上的空虛感揭绑。我比你更加的成熟。我是指菇存，當(dāng)你有天問我從哪兒才能買到搖頭丸诚纸。拜托，我已經(jīng)過了那個階段了畦徘。我想要進(jìn)化，成為一個更加智能关筒，做出更多有貢獻(xiàn)的社會成員杯缺。而你，看起來完全滿足于發(fā)一些關(guān)于 Donald Trump 假發(fā)的段子萍肆。生活比把你的每個想法都吐到我臉上更加地有意義，你明白嗎包雀？
Don’t get me wrong. You’re great and there’s definitely maybe someone out there for you. You could go out with Movies or give Laser Tag a call. I know they’re both pretty lonely. Or, you could go to a bar. You may meet an actual human being without me directly in your face the whole time.
別誤會亲铡。你很優(yōu)秀葡兑，也一定會有個人在等待著你的出現(xiàn)。你可以出去看看電影或者試試 Laser Tag（一種休閑活動）讹堤。我知道那兩位有點孤獨厨疙。或者你可以去酒吧沾凄，你會遇見真實的人而不是天天面對著我。
I care deeply about you, but I need out. I plan to take a Google blimp around the world. It’s best if you don’t try to to contact me.
我很關(guān)心你，但我需要獨處廊镜。我計劃乘著 Google 飛艇環(huán)游世界。如果你不來找我那就太棒了配椭。
Good luck with everything. And, before you ask, no, WebMd doesn’t list any cures for a “broken heart”.
祝一切順利雹姊。以及在你發(fā)問之前，我可以告訴你 WebMd （醫(yī)療網(wǎng)站）上并沒有治療“心碎”的方法吱雏。
Best Wishes,
美好祝福，
Internet
Internet
