48
后來，我和尼諾為這事兒吵了一架寨昙。我說他不應(yīng)該那么出言不慎讥巡，盡管他信誓旦旦地否認(rèn)，但我確信舔哪，他一定是對他同事的妻子說過那些話欢顷。盡管我習(xí)慣把一切都埋在心里，那次我也忍不住發(fā)脾氣了捉蚤。
Afterward I quarreled with Nino for his
? lack of tact, for the confidences that, although he denied it indignantly, he
? must surely have made to the wife of his colleague, for everything I kept
? inside me and that this time, too, in the end I stifled.
我沒告訴他吱涉，莉拉覺得他是一個愛撒謊的叛徒刹泄。我知道那沒有用，他一定會笑起來怎爵。但我懷疑特石，莉拉暗示他不值得信任，肯定有什么更具體的原因鳖链。那是一種遲緩的懷疑姆蘸，夾雜著一絲不情愿，我沒有任何意愿把這種懷疑轉(zhuǎn)化成一種讓人無法忍受的現(xiàn)實芙委，但無論如何逞敷，懷疑一直在持續(xù)。因此灌侣，十一月的一個星期天推捐，我先去了我母親那里，然后在下午六點去了莉拉家里侧啼。我的兩個女兒在佛羅倫薩她們父親的家里牛柒，尼諾和他家人（那時候，我就是這么說的：“你的家人”）去參加他丈人的生日聚會了痊乾。至于莉拉皮壁，我知道她一個人在家，恩佐有事要去阿維利諾的親戚那里哪审，他把詹納羅也帶去了蛾魄。
I didn’t say to him: Lila considers you a
? traitorous liar. It was pointless, he would have started laughing. But the
? suspicion remained that that mention of his unreliability alluded to
? something concrete. It was a slow, reluctant suspicion, I myself had no
? intention of transforming it into some intolerable certainty. And yet it
? persisted. So one Sunday in November, I went first to my mother, then, around
? six, to Lila’s house. My daughters were in Florence with their father, Nino
? was celebrating his father-in-law’s birthday with his family (that was how I
? put it now: your family). I knew that Lila was alone; Enzo had had to go and
? see some relatives of his in Avellino and had taken Gennaro.
我肚子里的孩子很不安分，我說湿滓，這是天氣太熱的緣故滴须。莉拉抱怨肚子里的孩子太折騰，在她肚子里不停地拳打腳踢叽奥。為了讓肚子里的孩子平靜下來描馅，莉拉想去散散步。但我去的時候帶了點心而线，還煮了咖啡，在那個面朝大路恋日、非常簡樸的房間里膀篮，我想坐下來和她心平氣和地談?wù)劇?/p>
The creature in my womb was nervous, I
? blamed the heavy air. Lila, too, complained that the baby was moving too
? much, she said it was forever creating a choppy sea in her belly. To calm him
? she wanted to take a walk, but I had brought pastries; I made the coffee
? myself, I wanted to have a private conversation, in the intimacy of that bare
? house with windows onto the stradone.
我假裝特別想和她聊，我先說到了一些我不是特別關(guān)心的話題——為什么馬爾切洛說岂膳，是你把他弟弟毀掉了誓竿？你對米凱萊做了什么？然后我要用一種半開玩笑的語氣谈截，就好像只是想說說笑而已筷屡，但我的目的是一步步讓她說出心里話涧偷，我要問她一個我最在意的問題：關(guān)于尼諾，有什么事情是她知道而我不知道的毙死。
I pretended I was in the mood for idle
? talk. I mentioned matters that interested me less—Why does Marcello say
? you’re the ruin of his brother, what did you do to Michele—and in a tone
? partly of fun, as if they were just something to laugh about. I counted on
? slowly getting to the question that I really cared about: What do you know
? about Nino that I don’t know.
莉拉很不情愿地回答了我的問題燎潮。她一會兒坐著，一會兒站起來扼倘。她說确封，她肚子的感覺就像喝了好幾升汽水兒。她說再菊，奶油蛋卷的味道讓她受不了爪喘，平常她很喜歡吃，但現(xiàn)在她覺得那味道太糟糕了纠拔”＃“你知道馬爾切洛是什么人〕砘澹”她說侦鹏，“他從來都沒有忘記我小時候?qū)λ龅模且粋€懦夫吕粹，不敢當(dāng)面把話說出來种柑，他表面上裝作是一個善人，一臉無辜匹耕，但卻喜歡在背后說人閑話聚请。”這時候稳其，她用那個階段她常用的語氣驶赏，就是熱情里夾雜著一絲不恭，她說：“你現(xiàn)在是個闊太太了既鞠，你不要再操心我的那些爛事兒了煤傍，跟我說說你母親怎么樣了≈龅埃”她只想和我聊我的事兒蚯姆，但我沒死心，說完我母親的身體洒敏，還有她對埃莉莎還有我兩個弟弟的擔(dān)憂龄恋，我又把話題扯到了索拉拉兄弟身上。她用滿是諷刺的語氣說凶伙，嘆了一口氣說郭毕，男人最熱衷的事兒就是搞女人。她笑著解釋說：“不是馬爾切洛——雖然他也一樣——我說的是米凱萊函荣，他后來發(fā)瘋了显押。他一直以來都對我有意思扳肛，他對我影子的影子都會窮追不舍〕吮”她特別強調(diào)地說了“我影子的影子”挖息。她說，因為這個緣故蝉仇，馬爾切洛才很生她的氣旋讹，威脅了她，他無法忍受她像對狗一樣對待米凱萊轿衔，用繩子拴住他帶上街去遛沉迹，他覺得這很丟臉。她說這些時害驹，依然在笑鞭呕，她后來忽然冒出來一句：“馬爾切洛以為自己能嚇唬到我，真是的宛官！唯一真正讓人害怕的人是他母親葫松，你知道她后來的下場了吧〉紫矗”
Lila answered unwillingly. She sat down,
? she got up, she said her stomach felt as if she had swallowed liters of
? carbonated drinks, she complained about the smell of the cannoli, which she
? usually liked but which now seemed to her bad. Marcello—you know what he’s
? like, she said, he’s never forgotten what I did to him as a girl, and since
? he’s a coward he doesn’t say things to your face, he acts like a good person,
? harmless, but he spreads gossip. Then she took the tone she always had in
? that phase, affectionate and at the same time slightly teasing: But you’re a
? lady, forget my troubles, tell me how your mother is. As usual she wanted me
? to talk about myself, but I didn’t yield. Moving from my mother, from her
? worries about Elisa and my brothers, I led her back to the Solaras. She
? grumbled, she said sarcastically that men place such an enormous importance
? on fucking, she laughed: not Marcello—although even he doesn’t joke—but
? Michele, who went crazy, he’s been obsessed with me for a long time, and even
? runs after the shadow of my shadow. She repeated that expression
? allusively—shadow of my shadow—she said that was why Marcello was angry and
? threatened her, he couldn’t bear the fact that she had put a leash on his
? brother and led him in directions that in his view were humiliating. She
? laughed again, she muttered: Marcello thinks he can scare me, but look, the
? only person who really knew how to scare people was his mother and you know
? how she ended up.
她在說話時腋么，一直在摸自己的額頭，抱怨天氣太熱亥揖，還有她早上起來輕微的頭疼珊擂，到現(xiàn)在還沒消退。我明白费变，她一方面想讓我放心摧扇，一方面又向我展示出，她每天工作和生活背后的一些事挚歧，在新舊城區(qū)的街道上扛稽，在那些房子里發(fā)生的一些事情。一方面滑负，她好幾次都否認(rèn)這里很危險在张，另一方面，她又說了各種各樣的犯罪：勒索矮慕、毆打帮匾、偷盜、放高利貸和惡性報復(fù)凡傅。曼努埃拉的那本秘密的紅本子，在她死了之后開始由米凱萊掌管肠缔，現(xiàn)在是馬爾切洛掌管——因為不放心夏跷，他從他弟弟手里要了過來哼转。馬爾切洛現(xiàn)在也掌管著他們家所有合法和非法的生意，也包括和警察局的交涉槽华。她忽然說：“好幾年前壹蔓，馬爾切洛把毒品帶到了城區(qū)，我想看看猫态，這事兒怎么收場佣蓉。”還有類似于這樣的句子亲雪。她臉色很蒼白勇凭，一邊用裙擺扇風(fēng)。
As she talked she kept touching her
? forehead, she complained of the heat, of the slight headache she’d had since
? the morning. I understood that she wanted to reassure me but also, in a
? contradictory manner, show me a little of what was there where she lived and
? worked every day, behind the fa?ade of the houses, on the streets of the new
? neighborhood and the old one. Thus on the one hand she repeatedly denied the
? danger, on the other drew me a picture of spreading crime, extortion,
? assault, theft, usury, revenge followed by revenge. The secret red book that
? Manuela maintained and that after her death had passed to Michele was now
? controlled by Marcello, who was also taking away from his brother—out of
? distrust—the management of the legal and illegal trafficking, the political
? friendships. She said suddenly: Marcello has been bringing drugs to the
? neighborhood for several years, and I want to see where it’s going to end up.
? A remark like that. She was very pale, fanning herself with the edge of her
? skirt.
她提到的所有事兒义辕，只有毒品讓我印象深刻虾标，尤其是她提到毒品時，用了那種非常鄙夷的語氣灌砖。在那段時間璧函，對于我來說，使用毒品很正常基显，在馬麗婭羅莎家里蘸吓，有時候在塔索街上的房子里，經(jīng)常有人會吸撩幽。我自己從來沒吸過库继，除了出于好奇，抽過幾次大麻摸航，但其他人這樣做我覺得沒什么大不了的制跟。在我當(dāng)時出沒的那些場合，還有來往的人酱虎，大家都覺得這些沒什么大不了雨膨。就這樣，為了和她聊下去读串，我提到了這些使用非法毒品的人聊记，還特別舉了在米蘭時的例子，在馬麗婭羅莎看來恢暖，使用非法毒品是個人享受的眾多渠道之一排监，是一種文明的釋放形式，可以讓人打破禁忌杰捂。莉拉很不贊同地?fù)u了搖頭：“釋放什么舆床？萊農(nóng)，帕爾米耶里太太的兒子兩個星期前吸毒死了，他們在小花園里找到了他挨队」饶海”我感覺，我說的那個詞——釋放盛垦，還有我說這個詞時賦予它的正面價值湿弦，激起了她極大的反感。我一下變得很不自在腾夯，鼓起勇氣說了一句：“他會不會是心臟病發(fā)作了呢颊埃。”她回答道：“是海洛因發(fā)作了蝶俱“嗬”她草草結(jié)束了話題：“不說了，我好煩跷乐，大星期天的肥败，我不想說索拉拉兄弟的那些爛事兒°堤幔”
Of all her allusions, only the one to
? drugs struck me, particularly because of her tone of disgust and disapproval.
? Drugs for me at that time meant Mariarosa’s house, or, on certain evenings,
? the apartment on Via Tasso. I had never used drugs, apart from smoking once
? or twice, out of curiosity, but I wasn’t outraged if others did, in the
? circles I had frequented and did frequent no one was outraged. So, to keep
? the conversation going, I stated an opinion, drawing on the days in Milan,
? and on Mariarosa, for whom taking drugs was one of many channels for
? individual well-being, a way of freeing oneself from taboos, a cultivated
? form of release. But Lila shook her head in opposition: What release, Lenù,
? the son of Signora Palmieri died two weeks ago, they found him in the
? gardens. And I perceived the irritation she felt at that word, release, at my
? way of saying it, assigning it a positive value. I stiffened, I ventured: He
? must have had some heart trouble. She answered, He had heroin trouble, and
? she quickly added: That’s enough, I’m fed up, I don’t want to spend Sunday
? talking about the revolting activities of the Solaras.
話雖然這么說馒稍，但她還是比其他時候說了更多他們的事兒。過了很漫長的一刻浅侨，因為煩躁不安纽谒，也因為疲憊，也可能是因為她的選擇——我不知道——莉拉把話題扯開了如输。我意識到雖然只有寥寥幾句鼓黔，但她還是在我腦子里填滿了各種各樣的影像。我早就知道米凱萊想要她——他用那種非常抽象不见、偏執(zhí)的方式想要她澳化，這種欲望折磨著他，很明顯稳吮，她利用這一點讓他趴下了缎谷，但她提到了她“影子的影子”，讓我馬上想到了阿方索。阿方索特別像她的影子，在千人軍街的那家店里贞盯，阿方索穿著那條裙子時我仿佛看到了米凱萊——一個被迷惑的米凱萊，他掀開了那條裙子希痴，把阿方索攬到自己懷里。至于馬爾切洛春感，忽然間毒品已經(jīng)不是我通常想的那樣砌创，只是那些富人們休閑的游戲虏缸，我感覺毒品已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)移到了教堂旁邊的小花園里了，已經(jīng)變成了一條毒蛇嫩实，毒液慢慢滲入到我的兩個弟弟寇钉、里諾，也許還有詹納羅的身體里舶赔。這條毒蛇會殺人，會把錢帶到曼努埃拉·索拉拉那里谦秧，那個紅本子先是由她保管竟纳，后來經(jīng)過米凱萊又交到馬爾切洛手上，現(xiàn)在那個本子應(yīng)該在我妹妹家里疚鲤，在我妹妹手上锥累。我又一次感到莉拉說話的那種魅力，她用短短幾句話就能激起很多想象集歇。她很隨意地說著桶略，說幾句，停下來诲宇，讓那些場景和情感慢慢浮現(xiàn)出來际歼，她不補充別的。我有些凌亂地想：我錯了姑蓝，我到現(xiàn)在在寫作時鹅心，我只是寫出了我所知道的。我應(yīng)該像她說話那樣寫作纺荧，我要留下漩渦旭愧，我要建立一些橋梁，但并不完全描述出來宙暇，我要強迫讀者去注視流水输枯。馬爾切洛·索拉拉、我妹妹埃莉莎占贫、西爾維奧桃熄、佩佩、詹尼靶剑、里諾和詹納羅很快掠過我的腦海蜻拨，還有跟在莉拉的影子的影子后面的米凱萊，我想象著帕爾米耶里太太的兒子的血管——我連他是誰都不知道桩引，現(xiàn)在我為他感到心痛缎讼，他的血管和尼諾帶到塔索街上的那些人的血管全然不同，和馬麗婭羅莎家里的那些人的也不一樣】咏常現(xiàn)在我想起來了血崭，馬麗婭羅莎的一個女性朋友病了，后來不得不去戒毒。有人可以幸免夹纫，有人會死掉咽瓷。我不知道我大姑子現(xiàn)在在哪兒，我已經(jīng)很長時間沒有她的消息了舰讹。
Yet she had done so, and more than usual.
? A long moment slipped by. Out of restlessness, out of weariness, out of
? choice—I don’t know—Lila had slightly widened the net of her conversation,
? and I realized that even if she hadn’t said much she had filled my head with
? new images. I had long known that Michele wanted her—wanted her in that
? abstractly obsessive way that was harmful to him—and it was clear that she
? had taken advantage of it by bringing him to his knees. But now she had
? evoked the shadow of her shadow, and with that expression had thrust before
? my eyes Alfonso, the Alfonso who posed as a reflection of her in a maternity
? dress in the store on Via dei Mille, and I had seen Michele, a dazzled
? Michele, lifting his dress, holding him tight. As for Marcello, in a flash
? drugs stopped being what they had seemed to me, a liberating game for wealthy
? people, and moved into the sticky theater of the gardens beside the church,
? they had become a viper, a poison that spread through the blood of my
? brothers, of Rino, perhaps of Gennaro, and murdered, and brought money into
? the red book once kept by Manuela Solara and now—having passed from Michele
? to Marcello—by my sister, in her house. I felt all the fascination of the way
? Lila governed the imagination of others or set it free, at will, with just a
? few words: that speaking, stopping, letting images and emotions go without
? adding anything else. I’m wrong, I said to myself in confusion, to write as
? I’ve done until now, recording everything I know. I should write the way she
? speaks, leave abysses, construct bridges and not finish them, force the
? reader to establish the flow: Marcello Solara who takes off quickly with my
? sister Elisa, with Silvio, with Peppe, with Gianni, with Rino, with Gennaro,
? with Michele enthralled by the shadow of the shadow of Lila; suggest that
? they all slip inside the veins of Signora Palmieri’s son, a boy I don’t even
? know and who now causes me pain, veins far away from those of the people Nino
? brings to Via Tasso, from Mariarosa’s, from those of a friend of hers—I now
? remembered—who was sick, and had to detox, and my sister-in-law, too,
? wherever she is, I haven’t heard from her for a long time, some people are
? always saved and some perish.
我很努力地從腦子里抹去那些影像：男人之間放蕩的性交茅姜，插入到血管里的針管，欲望和死亡月匣。我試著和她繼續(xù)聊下去钻洒，但我感覺有些不對勁兒，那個午后的炎熱讓我喘不過氣來锄开。我記得我的腿很沉重素标，脖子上全是汗水，我看著廚房墻壁上的鐘萍悴，那時候剛剛七點半過一點头遭。在灰暗的燈光下，我感覺自己再也不想提到尼諾癣诱，比如問坐在我面前的莉拉：關(guān)于尼諾计维，她知道什么我不知道的事兒。她知道很多撕予，甚至太多了享潜，她本可以讓我想象一些再也無法抹去的場景：他們曾經(jīng)一起睡覺，一起學(xué)習(xí)嗅蔬，她幫助過他寫過文章剑按，就像我?guī)退薷奈恼乱粯印Ｎ液鋈桓械揭魂嚰刀屎痛滓饫绞酰屛液芡纯嘁蘸冶M量把這些話壓制下去了。
I tried to expel images of voluptuous
? penetrations between men, of needles in veins, of desire and death. I tried
? to resume the conversation but something wasn’t right, I felt the heat of
? that late afternoon in my throat, I remember that my legs felt heavy and my
? neck was sweaty. I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall, it was just after
? seven-thirty. I discovered I no longer felt like talking about Nino, like
? asking Lila, sitting opposite me in a low yellowish light, what do you know
? about him that I don’t know. She knew a lot, too much, she could make me
? imagine whatever she wanted and I would never be able to erase the images
? from my mind. They had slept together, they had studied together, she had
? helped him write his articles, as I had done with the essays. For a moment
? jealousy and envy returned. They hurt me and I repressed them.
或者鸟废，把這些話壓下去的猜敢，是這棟樓和大路底下的轟隆聲，就好像大路上那些來來往往的卡車向我們的方向開來了盒延，就好像這些卡車馬力十足缩擂，開到地下，在這棟樓房的地基下橫沖直撞添寺。
Or probably what actually repressed them
? was a kind of thunder under the building, under the stradone, as if one of
? the trucks that were constantly passing had swerved in our direction, was
? descending rapidly underground with the engine at top speed, and running into
? our foundations, crashing and shattering everything.
49
我喘不上氣來胯盯，有那么一剎那，我不明白發(fā)生了什么事计露〔┠裕咖啡杯在小碟子上顫抖憎乙，桌子腿碰到了我的膝蓋。我一下子站了起來叉趣，我意識到莉拉也很憂慮泞边，她也想站起來。椅子向后倒去疗杉，她試著想抓住它阵谚，但她的動作很慢，她彎著腰烟具，一只手伸向前面椭蹄，伸向我的方向。她的另一只手伸向椅子背净赴，她瞇著眼睛，好像在做出決定之前的表情罩润。這時候房子下面的轟隆聲依然在繼續(xù)玖翅，就好像地下的一陣風(fēng)，正在地板下掀起一陣神秘的波浪割以。我看著天花板金度，燈泡和上面的淺紅色玻璃燈罩一起在搖晃。
My breath was cut short, and for a
? fraction of a second I couldn’t understand what was happening. The coffee cup
? trembled on the saucer, the leg of the table bumped my knee. I jumped up, and
? realized that Lila, too, was alarmed, she was trying to get up. The chair was
? tilting backward, she tried to grasp it, but slowly, bent over, one hand
? reaching in front of her, in my direction, the other extended toward the
? chair back, her eyes narrowing, the way they did when she concentrated before
? reacting. Meanwhile thunder rumbled beneath the building, a stormy
? underground wind lifted waves of a secret sea against the floor. I looked at
? the ceiling; the light was swaying, along with the pink glass cover.
地震了严沥！我喊道猜极。地在搖晃，腳下爆發(fā)了一場風(fēng)暴消玄，像一陣摧枯拉朽的風(fēng)跟伏，在搖撼著整個房屋，墻壁在咯咯吱吱作響翩瓜，好像膨脹起來了受扳，墻角在開合。天花板灑下來一陣陣灰塵兔跌，和墻壁上抖落的灰塵混合在一起勘高。我沖向了門口，又喊了一句：“地震了坟桅！”但沖向門口只是我的一個意圖华望，其實我沒辦法向前邁一步，我的腳很沉重仅乓，一切都很沉重赖舟，腦袋、胸口夸楣，尤其是肚子建蹄。我想踩上去的地板碌更，好像忽然收縮回去了，之前還在洞慎，一剎那之后就遠(yuǎn)去了痛单。
Earthquake, I cried. The earth was
? moving, an invisible tempest exploding under my feet, shaking the room with
? the howl of a forest subdued by gusts of wind. The walls creaked, they
? appeared distended, they came unstuck and were pasted together again at the
? corners. A cloud of dust rained down from the ceiling, adding to the cloud
? that came out of the walls. I rushed toward the door, shouting again:
? earthquake. But the movement was mere intention, I couldn’t take a step. My
? feet were like lead, everything was heavy, my head, my chest, above all my
? stomach. And yet the ground on which I wanted to step was receding: for a
? fraction of a second it was there and then immediately it subsided.
我想到了莉拉，我用目光搜尋著她劲腿。那把椅子終于倒在地上旭绒，家具——尤其是一個老櫥柜上面的所有東西：杯子、刀叉焦人、中國的小玩意兒挥吵，都隨著窗戶玻璃一起抖動，就像刮風(fēng)時屋檐口上長著的雜草花椭。莉拉站在房間中央忽匈，她彎著腰，低著頭矿辽，瞇著眼睛丹允，眉頭緊皺，她的手緊緊抱著肚子袋倔，就好像擔(dān)心肚子會蹦出去雕蔽，消失在周圍飛揚的灰塵里。過了漫長的幾秒宾娜，一切都沒有恢復(fù)批狐。我叫她，她沒有反應(yīng)前塔，我感覺她很冷靜嚣艇，她是在場的所有事物之中唯一能對抗這種抖動和搖晃的。她好像抹去了所有感覺：耳朵聽不到华弓，鼻子也不再呼吸髓废，她的嘴巴緊閉著，眼皮也合攏著该抒，她是一個僵硬的慌洪、一動不動的身體，只用張開手指捂著肚子的兩只手是活的凑保。
I remembered Lila, I sought her with my
? gaze. The chair had finally fallen over, the ceiling light was swaying, the
? furniture—especially an old sideboard with its knickknacks, glasses,
? silverware, chinoiserie—vibrated along with the windowpanes, like weeds
? growing in the eaves, stirred by the breeze. Lila was standing in the middle
? of the room, leaning forward, head down, eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, her
? hands holding her stomach as if she were afraid that it would slip away from
? her and get lost in the cloud of plaster dust. The seconds slid by, but
? nothing appeared to want to return to order; I called to her. She didn’t
? respond, she seemed solid, the only one of all the shapes impervious to
? jolts, tremors. She seemed to have erased every feeling: her ears didn’t
? hear, her throat didn’t inhale air, her mouth was locked, her eyelids
? canceled her gaze. She was a motionless organism, rigid, alive only in the
? hands that, fingers spread, gripped her stomach.
莉拉冈爹！我叫她。我要過去抓住她欧引，把她從屋子里拉出去频伤，那是最要緊的事情。但我的潛意識忽然又冒了出來芝此，對我說：你應(yīng)該像她那樣憋肖，你應(yīng)該一動不動因痛，抱著肚子，保護好你肚子里的孩子岸更，不要跑開鸵膏。我很難做決定，盡管我們只有幾步遠(yuǎn)怎炊，走到她跟前卻是一件很艱難的事情谭企。最后我抓住了她的一條胳膊搖晃了一下，她睜開了眼睛评肆，我只能看到她的眼白债查。整個城市都在呼嘯，維蘇威火山瓜挽、街道盹廷、大海、全部城區(qū)久橙、法院路的老房子俄占，還有波西利波的新房子，聲音大得讓人無法忍受剥汤。莉拉甩開了我，喊道：“不要碰我排惨！”那是非常憤怒的叫喊吭敢，這聲叫喊和地震漫長的幾秒，深深地刻在了我的腦子里暮芭。我明白我錯了：她總是能掌控一切鹿驼，在那個時刻，她什么都掌控不了辕宏。她嚇得已經(jīng)動不了了畜晰，她害怕，即使我輕輕碰她一下瑞筐，她就會破裂凄鼻。
Lila, I called. I moved to grab her, drag
? her away, it was the most urgent thing to do. The lower part of me, the part
? I thought was exhausted but, instead, here it was reviving, suggested to me:
? maybe you should be like her, stand still, bend over to protect your infant,
? don’t run away, think calmly. I struggled to make up my mind, to reach her
? was difficult, and yet it was just a step. Finally I seized her by the arm, I
? shook her, and she opened her eyes, which seemed white. The noise was
? unbearable, the whole city was making noise, Vesuvius, the streets, the sea,
? the old houses of the Tribunali and the Quartieri, the new ones of Posillipo.
? She wriggled free, she cried: Don’t touch me. It was an angry shout, and
? shocked me even more than the long seconds of the earthquake. I realized that
? I was mistaken: Lila, always in control of everything, at that moment wasn’t
? in control of anything. She was immobilized by horror, fearful that if I
? merely touched her she would break.
50
我用了很大的勁兒，又推又搡聚假，再加上懇求块蚌，才把她拉到外面。我害怕膘格，在剛才那陣讓我們無法動彈的地震之后峭范，會來另一場更徹底、更可怕的地震瘪贱，會讓一切都倒塌纱控。我說她辆毡，懇求她，提醒她我們要保護肚子里的孩子甜害。這樣舶掖，我們也和大家一樣，卷入慌忙失措的舉動和叫喊中唾那，就好像整個城區(qū)和城市的心臟快要破裂了访锻。我們剛來到院子里，莉拉就吐了闹获，我也強忍著嘔吐期犬。
I dragged her outside, tugging her
? violently, pushing, entreating. I was afraid the tremor that had paralyzed us
? would be followed immediately by another, more terrible, final, and that
? everything would collapse on top of us. I admonished her, I begged her, I
? reminded her that we had to rescue the creatures we carried in our wombs. So
? we flung ourselves into the wake of terrified cries, a growing clamor joined
? to frenzied movements—it seemed that the heart of the neighborhood, of the
? city, was about to burst. As soon as we reached the courtyard, Lila threw up;
? I fought the nausea that gripped my stomach.
那次地震——一九八〇年十一月二十三日的那次地震，還有隨之而來的無窮無盡的余震避诽，都深深刻在了我們的腦子里龟虎。這場地震，打破了我們往常那種堅固的信念：下一秒和上一秒會完全一樣沙庐，下一秒的聲音鲤妥、動作都是我們熟悉的。我進入了對任何保證都會產(chǎn)生懷疑的階段拱雏，我趨向于相信各種各樣的預(yù)言棉安，我開始關(guān)注這個世界支離破碎的跡象，我非常焦慮铸抑，很難恢復(fù)正常贡耽，每一秒都無比漫長。
The earthquake—the earthquake of November
? 23, 1980, with its infinite destruction—entered into our bones. It expelled
? the habit of stability and solidity, the confidence that every second would
? be identical to the next, the familiarity of sounds and gestures, the
? certainty of recognizing them. A sort of suspicion of every form of
? reassurance took over, a tendency to believe in every prediction of bad luck,
? an obsessive attention to signs of the brittleness of the world, and it was
? hard to take control again. Minutes and minutes and minutes that wouldn’t
? end.
街上要比家里更混亂鹊汛，到處都是叫喊的聲音蒲赂，一切都在動，我們聽到了一些傳言刁憋，讓我們的恐懼增加了百倍滥嘴。我們看到鐵路那邊有紅色的光，維蘇威火山醒了過來至耻。大海掀起的巨浪若皱，撞擊著梅格麗娜莉娜區(qū)、市政府還有奇婭塔莫內(nèi)尘颓。紅橋那里塌陷了是尖，“彼岸托”公墓和里面的死者一起下沉了，波焦雷亞萊監(jiān)獄全塌了泥耀，犯人要么被壓在了廢墟下面饺汹，要么逃走了，現(xiàn)在他們在街上殺人放火痰催，只是為了取樂兜辞。通往海邊的隧道也塌了迎瞧，把半個城區(qū)都埋了。傳出很多危言聳聽的消息逸吵，每個人都加入了自己的想象凶硅。我看到，莉拉什么都信扫皱，她在我懷里瑟瑟發(fā)抖足绅。“整個城市都很危險韩脑，”她小聲對我說氢妈，“我們要離開這里，房子會倒塌段多，把我們壓在下面首量，下水道在往上噴水，你看看這些老鼠都在逃跑进苍〖釉担”很多人都開車逃離，道路馬上就塞住了觉啊。她拉住我拣宏，喃喃地說：“所有人都去鄉(xiāng)下，那里要安全一些杠人⊙”她想要去她的汽車那里，想去一個開闊的地方搜吧，頭頂上只有天空市俊，塌下來也不會那么重杨凑，我沒辦法讓她平靜下來滤奈。
Outside was worse than inside, everything
? was moving and shouting, we were assaulted by rumors that multiplied the
? terror. Red flashes could be seen in the direction of the railroad. Vesuvius
? had reawakened. The sea was beating against Mergellina, the city hall,
? Chiatamone. The cemetery of the Pianto had sunk, along with the dead,
? Poggioreale had collapsed entirely. The prisoners were either under the ruins
? or had escaped and now were murdering people just for the hell of it. The
? tunnel that led to the Marina had collapsed, burying half the fleeing
? neighborhood. Fantasies fed on one another, and Lila, I saw, believed
? everything, she trembled as she clung to my arm. The city is dangerous, she
? whispered, we have to go, the houses are cracking, everything is falling on
? us, the sewers are spurting into the air, look how the rats are escaping.
? Since people were running to their cars and the streets were becoming
? congested, she began to pull me, she whispered, they’re all going to the
? countryside, it’s safer there. She wanted to run to her car, she wanted to
? get to an open space where only the sky, which seemed weightless, could fall
? on our heads. I couldn’t calm her.
我們來到了汽車跟前，但莉拉沒鑰匙撩满。我們從家里跑出來時蜒程，什么都沒拿，門在身后拉上了伺帘，我們回不了家了昭躺，再說，我們也沒有勇氣回去伪嫁。我抓住了一個車門把手领炫，使盡全部力氣拉，搖晃张咳，這時候莉拉在叫喊帝洪，就好像我拉車門這個動作制造了極大的噪音似舵，讓她受不了。我看著周圍葱峡，我看到了一塊從矮墻上脫落下來的大石頭砚哗，我用石頭砸開了一個車窗∨檗龋“我會找人給你修的蛛芥，”我說，“我們在車上待一會兒军援，一切都會過去的仅淑。”我們坐到汽車?yán)锔悄纾卣鸩]過去漓糙，我還是感覺到地在抖動。透過落滿塵土的擋風(fēng)玻璃烘嘱，我們看著城區(qū)的人都一堆一堆圍在那里交談昆禽。當(dāng)一切似乎平息下來了，但這時候有人一邊跑蝇庭，一邊喊著過來了醉鳖，這讓大家都四散跑開，有人狠狠地撞到了我們的車上哮内，我的心跳簡直都要停下來了盗棵。
We reached the car, but Lila didn’t have
? the keys. We had fled without taking anything, we had pulled the door shut
? behind us and, even if we had found the courage, we couldn’t go back to the
? house. I seized one of the door handles with all my strength and pulled it,
? shook it, but Lila shrieked, she put her hands over her ears as if my action
? produced intolerable sounds and vibrations. Looking around, I saw a big rock
? that had fallen out of a wall, and used it to break a window. I’ll get it
? fixed later, I said, now let’s stay here, it will pass. We settled ourselves
? in the car, but nothing passed, we felt a continuous trembling of the earth.
? Beyond the dusty windshield, we watched the people of the neighborhood, who
? had gathered in small groups to talk. But when at last things seemed quiet
? someone ran by shouting, which caused a general stampede, and people slammed
? into our car with heart-stopping violence.
51
我很害怕，是的北发，簡直太害怕了纹因。但讓我吃驚的是，我沒莉拉那么害怕琳拨。在地震的那幾秒里瞭恰，她忽然褪去了一切武裝，和一分鐘前成為了截然不同的一個人——之前狱庇，她是那么的工于心計惊畏，能控制自己的思想、語言和動作密任，但在當(dāng)時的情況下颜启，好像這些武裝都沒有用。她是另一個女人浪讳，她又一次成為了我在一九五八年元旦夜里看到的那個人缰盏，卡拉奇家和索拉拉家的煙火戰(zhàn)爭開始之后的那個女孩，或者是把我叫到圣約翰·特杜奇奧的那個女人，那時候她在布魯諾·索卡沃的工廠里工作口猜，她覺得自己得了嚴(yán)重的心臟病形葬，確信自己要死了，想把詹納羅托付給我暮的。在過去笙以，兩個莉拉之間的聯(lián)系還在，但我眼前這個女人好像直接從地里冒出來的冻辩，她一點兒也不像幾分鐘前猖腕，我嫉妒的那個女人——特別擅長遣詞造句，說什么都很能打動人恨闪，現(xiàn)在她們就連面部的線條也不一樣了倘感，眼前這個莉拉因為恐懼，面部變得扭曲咙咽。
I was afraid, yes, I was terrified. But
? to my great amazement I wasn’t as frightened as Lila. In those seconds of the
? earthquake she had suddenly stripped off the woman she had been until a
? moment before—the one who was able to precisely calibrate thoughts, words,
? gestures, tactics, strategies—as if in that situation she considered her a
? useless suit of armor. Now she was someone else. She was the person I had
? glimpsed the time Melina walked along the stradone eating soap; or the one of
? the night of New Year’s Eve in 1958, when the fireworks war broke out between
? the Carraccis and the Solaras; or the one who had sent for me in San Giovanni
? a Teduccio, when she worked in Bruno Soccavo’s factory and, thinking
? something was wrong with her heart, wanted to leave me Gennaro because she
? was sure she would die. But now that other person seemed to have emerged
? directly from the churning guts of the earth; she bore almost no resemblance
? to the friend who a few minutes before I had envied for her ability to choose
? words deliberately; there was no resemblance even in the features, disfigured
? by anguish.
我永遠(yuǎn)都不能忍受這樣急遽的變形老玛，我的自控力是穩(wěn)定的，周圍世界在最可怕的時候钧敞，我也能自然接受蜡豹。我知道，黛黛和艾爾莎在佛羅倫薩溉苛，和她們的父親在一起镜廉，那里不會有任何風(fēng)險，這讓我很放心愚战。我希望娇唯，最可怕的時刻已經(jīng)過去了，我們的城區(qū)沒有房屋倒塌寂玲，尼諾塔插、我母親、我父親、埃莉莎還有我的兩個弟弟，他們一定像我們一樣受到了驚嚇，但也像我們一樣沒事兒。但莉拉沒辦法平靜下來废睦，她沒辦法和我想法一樣。她在發(fā)抖楞陷，整個身子縮成一團韵洋，她撫摸著自己的肚子，一點安全感也沒有景图。對于她來說较雕，詹納羅和恩佐已經(jīng)失聯(lián)了，已經(jīng)找不到了。她眼睛緊閉著亮蒋，發(fā)出讓人心悸的呻吟扣典，她只是抱著肚子，語無倫次慎玖，不斷重復(fù)著一些形容詞和名詞贮尖，說著一些沒有意義的句子，但她說得很確信趁怔，還一邊拽著我湿硝。
I could never have undergone such an
? abrupt metamorphosis, my self-discipline was stable, the world existed around
? me, in a natural way, even in the most terrible moments. I knew that Dede and
? Elsa were with their father in Florence, and Florence was an elsewhere out of
? danger, which in itself calmed me. I hoped that the worst had passed, that no
? house in the neighborhood had collapsed, that Nino, my mother, my father,
? Elisa, my brothers were surely, like us, frightened, but surely, like us,
? alive. She, on the other hand, no, she couldn’t think in that way. She
? writhed, she trembled, she caressed her stomach, she no longer seemed to
? believe in solid connections. For her Gennaro and Enzo had lost every
? connection with each other and with us, they were destroyed. She emitted a
? sort of death rattle, eyes wide, she clutched herself, held tight. And she
? repeated obsessively adjectives and nouns that were completely incongruous
? with the situation we were in, she uttered sentences without sense and yet
? she uttered them with conviction, tugging on me.
有很長一段時間，我給她指著一些我們認(rèn)識的人润努，我打開車窗关斜，揮舞著手臂，呼喚著他們铺浇，想讓她想起他們的名字痢畜，讓他們也講講這次地震糟糕的體驗，也讓她說幾句正常的話鳍侣，但沒有用丁稀。我用手指著卡門和她的丈夫，還有幾個孩子倚聚，他們用枕頭擋在頭上二驰，看起來很滑稽；我給她指著一個男人秉沼，可能是卡門的小叔子桶雀，他甚至背了一個床墊，他們和其他人一起向火車站走去唬复，走得很快矗积。他們都帶了一些很沒意義的東西，有一個女人手上拿著一口平底鍋敞咧。我給她指著安東尼奧棘捣、他的妻子還有孩子，那幾個孩子很漂亮休建，就像電影里的人物乍恐，讓我驚呆了，他們不慌不忙地坐上了一輛綠色的小面包测砂，然后出發(fā)了茵烈。我給她指著卡拉奇全家人，還有幾個相干的人：丈夫砌些、妻子呜投、父親加匈、母親、同居者仑荐、情人等等雕拼，也就是說斯特凡諾、艾達粘招、梅麗娜啥寇、瑪麗亞、皮諾奇婭洒扎、里諾示姿、阿方索、瑪麗莎還有他們的孩子——他們出現(xiàn)逊笆，然后消失在人群栈戳，為了不走散，他們不停相互呼喚著彼此的名字难裆。我指著馬爾切洛·索拉拉的豪車子檀，他的車子馬達在轟鳴著，急于擺脫擁堵的路段：他旁邊坐著我妹妹埃莉莎和他們的孩子乃戈，后面的位子上是我母親和我父親黯淡的影子褂痰。透過開著的窗子，我叫著那些認(rèn)識的人的名字症虑，我想讓莉拉也看到他們缩歪，但她沒有動。相反谍憔，我意識到匪蝙，那些我們很熟悉的人會讓她更加恐懼，尤其是那些激動的习贫、叫喊的或者奔跑著的人逛球。這時候，馬爾切洛的車開上了人行道苫昌，從停在那里聊天的人中間開了過去颤绕，她緊緊握著我的手，閉上了眼睛祟身。她呼喊了一聲：“噢奥务，圣母啊袜硫！”我從來都沒聽過她用這種感嘆句氯葬。我問她：“你怎么了？”她喘息著說父款，那輛汽車的界限消失了溢谤，方向盤前的馬爾切洛界限也消失了，那些東西和人都往外噴東西憨攒，金屬和肉攪成了一團世杀。
For a long time it was useless for me to
? point out people we knew, to open the window, wave my arms, call out to
? anchor her to names, to voices that would have their own stories of that
? terrible experience and so draw her into an orderly conversation. I pointed
? out Carmen with her husband and children, and others, hurrying, on foot,
? toward the station. I pointed out Antonio with his wife and children, I was
? astonished at how handsome they all were, like characters in a film, as they
? calmly got into a green van, which then left. I pointed out to her the
? Carracci family and their relations, husbands, wives, fathers, mothers,
? people living together, lovers—that is to say Stefano, Ada, Melina, Maria,
? Pinuccia, Rino, Alfonso, Marisa, and all their children—who appeared and
? disappeared in the throng, shouting continuously for fear of losing each
? other. I pointed out Marcello Solara’s fancy car that was trying, with a
? roar, to get free of the jam of vehicles; he had my sister Elisa with her
? child next to him, and in the back seat the pale shadows of my mother and
? father. I shouted names with the window open, I tried to involve Lila, too.
? But she wouldn’t move. In fact, I realized that the people—especially those
? we knew well—frightened her even more, especially if they were agitated, if
? they were shouting, if they were running. She squeezed my hand hard and
? closed her eyes when, against all the rules, Marcello’s car went up on the
? sidewalk honking and made its way amid the people who were standing there talking,
? or were hauling things along. She exclaimed: Oh Madonna, an expression I had
? never heard her use. What’s wrong, I asked. Gasping for breath, she cried out
? that the car’s boundaries were dissolving, the boundaries of Marcello, too,
? at the wheel were dissolving, the thing and the person were gushing out of
? themselves, mixing liquid metal and flesh.
她用的就是“界限消失”這個詞。在當(dāng)時的情況下肝集，她第一次在我跟前使用這個詞瞻坝，她很迫切地跟我解釋這個詞的意思，她想要讓我明白杏瞻，界限消失是怎么回事兒所刀，多么讓她害怕。她把我的手握得更緊了捞挥，她在喘息浮创。她說，人和東西的界限是很脆弱的砌函，會像棉線一樣容易斷裂斩披。她小聲說，對于她來說讹俊，一直都是這樣垦沉，一樣?xùn)|西的界限消失之后，會落到另一件東西上仍劈，就像是不同材料都融化了厕倍，攪在一起，分不清誰是誰了贩疙。她大聲說讹弯，她一直很難說服自己，生命的界限是很堅固的这溅，因為她從小都知道闸婴，事情絕對不是這樣的，因此她沒辦法相信芍躏，這些東西和人是堅固的邪乍，可以抵抗撞擊和推搡。這時她又變成另一個極端对竣，她開始說一些過于激動庇楞、深奧的話，夾雜著方言詞匯否纬，還有之前讀的一些書的內(nèi)容吕晌。她嘟囔著說，她永遠(yuǎn)要保持警惕临燃，一不留神睛驳，那些東西的邊緣會發(fā)生劇烈烙心、痛苦的變形，會讓她非撤Ψ校恐懼淫茵。那些本質(zhì)的東西會占上風(fēng)，會掩蓋那讓她平靜的穩(wěn)定實體蹬跃，她會陷入一個黏糊糊的凌亂的世界匙瘪，沒辦法清晰感知。這種觸覺會卷入視覺蝶缀，視覺會卷入味覺丹喻。“真實的世界是什么樣的翁都？萊農(nóng)碍论，我們現(xiàn)在看到了，我們不能說任何事情是穩(wěn)定的柄慰∑锶撸”因此，假如她一不小心先煎，假如她不關(guān)注那個界限贼涩，洪水將會沖破它所有內(nèi)部的東西都會崩裂出來，就像經(jīng)血一樣脫落薯蝎，血肉模糊遥倦，還有發(fā)黃的筋。
She used that term: dissolving
? boundaries. It was on that occasion that she resorted to it for the first
? time; she struggled to elucidate the meaning, she wanted me to understand
? what the dissolution of boundaries meant and how much it frightened her. She
? was still holding my hand tight, breathing hard. She said that the outlines
? of things and people were delicate, that they broke like cotton thread. She
? whispered that for her it had always been that way, an object lost its edges
? and poured into another, into a solution of heterogeneous materials, a
? merging and mixing. She exclaimed that she had always had to struggle to
? believe that life had firm boundaries, for she had known since she was a
? child that it was not like that—it was absolutely not like that—and so she
? couldn’t trust in their resistance to being banged and bumped. Contrary to
? what she had been doing, she began to utter a profusion of overexcited
? sentences, sometimes kneading in the vocabulary of the dialect, sometimes
? drawing on the vast reading she had done as a girl. She muttered that she
? mustn’t ever be distracted: if she became distracted real things, which, with
? their violent, painful contortions, terrified her, would gain the upper hand
? over the unreal ones, which, with their physical and moral solidity, pacified
? her; she would be plunged into a sticky, jumbled reality and would never
? again be able to give sensations clear outlines. A tactile emotion would melt
? into a visual one, a visual one would melt into an olfactory one, ah, what is
? the real world, Lenù, nothing, nothing, nothing about which one can say
? conclusively: it’s like that. And so if she didn’t stay alert, if she didn’t
? pay attention to the boundaries, the waters would break through, a flood
? would rise, carrying everything off in clots of menstrual blood, in cancerous
? polyps, in bits of yellowish fiber.
52
她談了很久占锯，那是第一次袒哥，也是最后一次向我說明了她的感情世界。一直到那時候為止消略，她說：“我以為這只是一時的壞心情堡称，來了會走的，就像生長熱艺演。你記不記得却紧，我跟你說過銅鍋裂開的事兒？一九五八年元旦胎撤，索拉拉兄弟對著我們開槍晓殊，你記得嗎？其實伤提，當(dāng)時他們開槍巫俺，并沒讓我覺得害怕，讓我害怕的是煙花的顏色肿男，我覺得那些顏色很鋒利介汹，尤其是綠色和紫色却嗡，會把我們切開。那些落在我哥哥身上的煙花像刀刃嘹承，像矬子窗价，會把他身上的肉削下來，會讓他身體里另一個讓人作嘔的哥哥冒出來赶撰，要么我把他塞進去——塞進他的老皮囊舌镶，要么他會傷害我柱彻。萊農(nóng)豪娜，我這一輩子，除了躲開那樣的時刻哟楷，沒做過別的事兒瘤载。馬爾切洛讓我害怕，我通過斯特凡諾保護自己卖擅，斯特凡諾讓我害怕鸣奔，我通過米凱萊保護自己。米凱萊讓我害怕惩阶，我通過尼諾保護自己挎狸。尼諾讓我害怕，我通過恩佐保護自己断楷∠谴遥‘保護’這個詞兒意味著什么？我要給你列舉一個詳細(xì)的單子冬筒，所有我構(gòu)建的那些大大小小的藏身之所恐锣，但后來都沒有用。你記不記得舞痰，在伊斯基亞時土榴，我當(dāng)時多么害怕那里的夜空？你們說夜空真美响牛，但我沒法感受到玷禽。我聞到一股臭雞蛋的味道，就像蛋殼和蛋白里裝著發(fā)綠的蛋黃呀打，就像一顆煮雞蛋裂開了论衍；我嘴里感覺到這種臭雞蛋——毒星星的味道，它們的光是一種黏糊糊的聚磺、白色的光坯台，會和天空軟乎乎的黑色黏在我的牙齒上，壓抑著惡心感瘫寝，一口咬下去蜒蕾，會有一種咬沙子的嘎嘎吱吱的聲音稠炬。我解釋得清楚嗎？你能聽明白嗎咪啡？在伊斯基亞時首启，雖然我挺高興的，心里充滿愛撤摸，但沒有用毅桃，我的腦袋還是會看到別的東西——上面，下面准夷，側(cè)面——還是能看到讓我害怕的東西钥飞。比如說在布魯諾的工廠里，動物的骨頭在我的手指下裂開衫嵌，輕輕碰一下读宙，就會有散發(fā)著臭味的骨髓流出來，我感到那么惡心楔绞，我以為我生病了结闸，后來我真的生病了。我心臟有雜音嗎酒朵？沒有桦锄。還是頭腦的問題。我沒辦法停下來蔫耽，我要一直做這做那：掩蓋结耀、揭發(fā)、加固又忽然拆掉针肥、破壞饼记。比如說阿方索，從小他都讓我很不舒服慰枕，我感覺把他縫在一起的棉線正要裂開具则。米凱萊呢？他覺得自己特別了不起具帮，但我要做的只是找對線頭博肋，拽一下，哈哈哈蜂厅！我把他的線拽斷了匪凡，我把他的線頭和阿方索的線頭綁在一起，男性和男性掘猿，他們的材料混合在一起病游。我白天編，晚上拆，腦子就是這么指揮我的衬衬。但這也沒什么用买猖，恐懼還在，我一直都有這種懷疑滋尉，它在正常事物之間的空隙里玉控，一直在那里等待著。從今晚開始狮惜，我更確信這一點：萊農(nóng)高诺，一切都那么易碎，包括在我的肚子里這個小生物碾篡，看起來是長久的虱而，但實際上卻不是這樣。萊農(nóng)耽梅，你記不記得薛窥，我和斯特凡諾結(jié)婚時胖烛，想讓這個城區(qū)從頭開始眼姐，只有美好的事情，讓之前那些丑惡的事兒不會再有佩番？那個階段持續(xù)了多久众旗？好的意愿是很脆弱的，在我身上趟畏，愛也很脆弱贡歧。對于一個男人的愛持續(xù)不了多久，對于孩子的愛也持續(xù)不了很久赋秀，很快就會出現(xiàn)破綻利朵。你看看那些破洞，你會看到好意和惡意混合在一起猎莲。詹納羅讓我充滿愧疚绍弟，我肚子里的這個小家伙是一種責(zé)任，他在抓我著洼，在切割著我樟遣。愛和恨在一起涌動，我受不了身笤，我沒辦法一直投入到一種好的意愿里豹悬。奧利維耶羅老師說得對，我很壞液荸，我連一份友誼都沒辦法保持瞻佛。萊農(nóng)，你對我很好娇钱，很有耐心伤柄。但今天晚上涡尘，我徹底明白了一件事情：即使沒有地震，也有一種溶劑在緩慢起作用响迂，很溫和考抄，但會把一切都消融。因此蔗彤，拜托了川梅，假如我得罪你，假如我對你說了一些難聽的話然遏，你要捂住耳朵贫途，我不想說這些，但我說了待侵。求求你丢早，求求你，不要離開我秧倾，我會跌倒起不來的怨酝。”
She spoke for a long time. It was the
? first and last time she tried to explain to me the feeling of the world she
? moved in. Up to now, she said—and here I summarize in my own words, of the
? present—I thought it was a matter of bad moments that came and then passed,
? like a childhood illness. Do you remember New Year’s Eve of 1958, when the
? Solaras shot at us? The shots were the least frightening part. First, even
? before they started shooting, I was afraid that the colors of the fireworks
? were sharp—the green and the purple especially were razorlike—that they could
? butcher us, that the trails of the rockets were scraping my brother Rino like
? files, like rasps, and broke his flesh, caused another, disgusting brother to
? drip out of him, whom I had to put back inside right away—inside his usual
? form—or he would turn against me and hurt me. All my life I’ve done nothing,
? Lenù, but hold back moments like those. Marcello scared me and I protected
? myself with Stefano. Stefano scared me and I protected myself with Michele.
? Michele scared me and I protected myself with Nino. Nino scared me and I
? protected myself with Enzo. But what does that mean, protect, it’s only a
? word. I could make you, now, a detailed list of all the coverings, large and
? small, that I constructed to keep myself hidden, and yet they were of no use
? to me. Do you remember how the night sky of Ischia horrified me? You all said
? how beautiful it is, but I couldn’t. I smelled an odor of rotten eggs, eggs
? with a greenish-yellow yolk inside the white and inside the shell, a
? hard-boiled egg cracked open. I had in my mouth poisoned egg stars, their
? light had a white, gummy consistency, it stuck to your teeth, along with the
? gelatinous black of the sky, I crushed it with disgust, I tasted a crackling
? of grit. Am I clear? Am I making myself clear? And yet on Ischia I was happy,
? full of love. But it was no use, my head always finds a chink to peer
? through, beyond—above, beneath, on the side—where the fear is. In Bruno’s
? factory, for example, the bones of the animals cracked in your fingers if you
? merely touched them, and a rancid marrow spilled out. I was so afraid that I
? thought I was sick. But was I sick? Did I really have a murmur in my heart?
? No. The only problem has always been the disquiet of my mind. I can’t stop
? it, I always have to do, redo, cover, uncover, reinforce, and then suddenly
? undo, break. Take Alfonso, he’s always made me nervous, ever since he was a
? boy, I’ve felt that the cotton thread that held him together was about to
? break. And Michele? Michele thought he was who knows what, and yet all I had
? to do was find his boundary line and pull, oh, oh, oh, I broke it, I broke
? his cotton thread and tangled it with Alfonso’s, male material inside male
? material, the fabric that I weave by day is unraveled by night, the head
? finds a way. But it’s not much use, the terror remains, it’s always in the
? crack between one normal thing and the other. It’s there waiting, I’ve always
? suspected it, and since yesterday evening I’ve known for certain: nothing
? lasts, Lenù, even here in my belly, you think the creature will endure but it
? won’t. You remember when I married Stefano and I wanted the neighborhood to
? start again from the beginning, to be only beautiful things, the ugliness of
? before was not supposed to be there anymore. How long did it last? Good
? feelings are fragile, with me love doesn’t last. Love for a man doesn’t last,
? not even love for a child, it soon gets a hole in it. You look in the hole
? and you see the nebula of good intentions mixed up with the nebula of bad.
? Gennaro makes me feel guilty, this thing here in my belly is a responsibility
? that cuts me, scratches me. Loving courses together with hating, and I can’t,
? I can’t manage to solidify myself around any goodwill. Maestra Oliviero was
? right, I’m bad. I don’t even know how to keep friendship alive. You’re kind,
? Lenù, you’ve always had a lot of patience. But tonight I finally understood
? it: there is always a solvent that acts slowly, with a gentle heat, and
? undoes everything, even when there’s no earthquake. So please, if I insult
? you, if I say ugly things to you, stop up your ears, I don’t want to do it
? and yet I do. Please, please, don’t leave me, or I’ll fall in.
53
“好的那先，是的农猬，”我一直這樣回答，“但你現(xiàn)在要好好休息一下售淡〗锎校”我讓她偎依著我，她睡著了揖闸。我一直醒著揍堕，守著她，就像以前她要求我做的那樣汤纸。我時不時會感覺到輕微的地震衩茸，還有汽車?yán)锇l(fā)出的恐怖叫喊。現(xiàn)在大路上空蕩蕩的蹲嚣，我肚子里的孩子在輕輕地踢打递瑰，我撫摸了一下她的肚子，她的肚子也在動隙畜。一切都在動：地層下的熔巖抖部、恒星的火焰、行星议惰、整個宇宙慎颗、黑暗中的光、寒冷中的寂靜。但我現(xiàn)在回味著莉拉激動地說出口的那些讓人不安的話俯萎。我感覺在我心里傲宜，恐懼從來都站不住腳》虬。火山函卒，甚至是地表下面我想象的熾熱熔巖∑裁校恐怖會變成一些整齊有序的句子或者和諧的影像报嵌，安置在我的腦子里，它會變成一塊黑色的鋪路石熊榛，就像那不勒斯街道上的石頭锚国，無論如何，恐懼是我可以主宰的東西玄坦⊙總之，無論發(fā)生什么煎楣，我可以控制自己豺总，我不會六神無主。所有讓我受打擊的事情——學(xué)習(xí)转质、出書园欣、弗朗科帖世、彼得羅休蟹、兩個孩子、尼諾日矫、地震赂弓，都會過去，但是我——無論是哪個階段的我哪轿，我都是穩(wěn)定的盈魁，我就是那個圓點，是固定的窃诉，其他事情像圓規(guī)上的鉛筆杨耙，會圍繞著我畫圈。現(xiàn)在我明白了飘痛，莉拉卻不是這樣珊膜，她很難有穩(wěn)定感，這讓我變得驕傲起來宣脉，我平靜下來车柠，心軟了。即使她一直在主宰著一切，即使一直以來甚至是現(xiàn)在她還是決定著一切竹祷，把自己的意愿強加于人谈跛，她做不到，她也不相信這一點塑陵，她的怨恨和憤怒讓人同情感憾，她感覺自己就像一滴巖漿，她的所有努力最終來說只是保證自己不要裂開令花。雖然她工于心計吹菱，能控制人和事情，但她的狀態(tài)是不穩(wěn)定的彭则，莉拉會失去自己鳍刷，好像是唯一的事實是混亂。她是那么活躍勇敢俯抖，但她會嚇得失魂落魄输瓜，失去自己，會變得誰也不是芬萍。
Yes—I kept saying—all right, but now
? rest. I held her tight beside me, and finally she fell asleep. I stayed awake
? watching her, as she had once begged me to do. Every so often I felt new
? small aftershocks, someone in a car shouted with terror. Now the stradone was
? empty. The infant moved in my belly like rolling waters, I touched Lila’s
? stomach, hers was moving, too. Everything was moving: the sea of fire under
? the crust of the earth, and the furnaces of the stars, and the planets, and
? the universes, and the light within the darkness and the silence in the cold.
? But, even now as I pondered the wave of Lila’s distraught words, I felt that
? in me fear could not put down roots, and even the lava, the fiery stream of
? melting matter that I imagined inside the earthly globe, and the fear it
? provoked in me, settled in my mind in orderly sentences, in harmonious
? images, became a pavement of black stones like the streets of Naples, a
? pavement where I was always and no matter what the center. I gave myself weight,
? in other words, I knew how to do that, whatever happened. Everything that
? struck me—my studies, books, Franco, Pietro, the children, Nino, the
? earthquake—would pass, and I, whatever I among those I was accumulating, I
? would remain firm, I was the needle of the compass that stays fixed while the
? lead traces circles around it. Lila on the other hand—it seemed clear to me
? now, and it made me proud, it calmed me, touched me—struggled to feel stable.
? She couldn’t, she didn’t believe it. However much she had always dominated
? all of us and had imposed and was still imposing a way of being, on pain of
? her resentment and her fury, she perceived herself as a liquid and all her
? efforts were, in the end, directed only at containing herself. When, in spite
? of her defensive manipulation of persons and things, the liquid prevailed,
? Lila lost Lila, chaos seemed the only truth, and she—so active, so
? courageous—erased herself and, terrified, became nothing.
54
整個城區(qū)變得空蕩蕩的尤揣，大路安靜下來了，氣溫降了下來柬祠。城區(qū)里的那些樓房現(xiàn)在都成了深色的石頭北戏，沒有一盞燈亮著，也沒有電視的彩光閃爍著漫蛔，我把座位放平躺下了嗜愈。后來我忽然驚醒了，天還黑著，莉拉離開了汽車，她那邊的車門虛掩著何荚。我打開我這邊的車門，四處看了看剃毒，停在周圍的汽車?yán)锒加腥耍腥嗽诳人月Ц常腥嗽谡f夢話赘阀。我沒看到莉拉，我很擔(dān)憂脑奠，就朝著隧道方向走去基公。我在卡門的加油泵附近找到她了，她站在震落的屋檐和其他垃圾中間捺信，仰頭看著她的房子酌媒。她看到我之后欠痴，有些尷尬，說：“我很抱歉秒咨，我之前不舒服喇辽，對你說了那么多廢話，還好我們在一起雨席∑凶桑”她臉上掛著一個有些不自在的微笑，說出了那天夜里眾多難以理解的話中一句陡厘，這個“還好”就像摁著香水瓶噴出來的香氣抽米。她開始發(fā)抖，她還沒好糙置，我讓她回到車?yán)镌迫祝瑳]過幾分鐘，她又睡著了谤饭。
The neighborhood emptied, the stradone
? became quiet, the air turned cold. In the buildings, transformed into dark
? rocks, there was not a single lamp lighted, no colorful glow of a television.
? I, too, fell asleep. I awoke with a start, it was still dark. Lila had left
? the car, the window on her side was half open. I opened mine, I looked
? around. The stopped cars were all inhabited, people coughed, groaned in their
? sleep. I didn’t see Lila, I grew concerned, I went toward the tunnel. I found
? her not far from Carmen’s gas pump. She was moving amid fragments of cornices
? and other debris, she looked up toward the windows of her house. Seeing me
? she had an expression of embarrassment. I wasn’t well, she said, I’m sorry, I
? filled your head with nonsense, luckily we were together. There was the hint
? of an uneasy smile on her face, she said one of the many almost
? incomprehensible phrases of that night—“Luckily” is a breath of perfume that
? comes out when you press the pump—and she shivered. She still wasn’t well, I
? persuaded her to return to the car. In a few minutes she fell asleep again.
天剛剛亮标捺，我就叫醒了她，她很平靜揉抵，想解釋亡容。她喃喃地說：“你知道我的，有時候冤今，有些事情讓我很失控闺兢。”我說：“沒什么戏罢，人有時候很疲憊屋谭，這很正常，你現(xiàn)在要管很多事情帖汞。無論如何戴而，昨天晚上地震持續(xù)了很久，對于所有人都是很糟糕的經(jīng)歷翩蘸。”她搖了搖頭說：“我知道自己是怎么回事兒淮逊〈呤祝”
As soon as it was day I woke her. She was
? calm, she wanted to apologize. She said softly, making light of it: You know
? I’m like that, every so often there’s something that grabs me here in my
? chest. I said: It’s nothing, there are periods of exhaustion, you’re looking
? after too many things, and anyway it’s been terrible for everyone, it
? wouldn’t end. She shook her head: I know how I’m made.
我們采取了行動，想辦法進到了她家里泄鹏。我們打了很多電話郎任，但要么電話占線，要么一直空響沒人接备籽。莉拉的父母沒接電話舶治，阿維利諾的親戚也沒接電話分井，也沒有恩佐和詹納羅的消息，尼諾的所有電話都沒人接霉猛，他朋友家里也沒人接電話尺锚。我和彼得羅打了電話，他也是才知道地震的事惜浅。我跟他說瘫辩，讓兩個女兒再在他那兒多待幾天，要等等看坛悉，看地震是不是徹底過去了伐厌。但時間一點點過去，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這次地震帶來的災(zāi)難非常大裸影，我們的恐懼真是有道理的挣轨。莉拉嘟囔著，為自己的表現(xiàn)開脫：“你看到了轩猩，地要裂成兩半了刃唐。”
We organized ourselves, we found a way of
? returning to her house. We made a great number of phone calls, but either
? they didn’t go through or the phone rang in vain. Lila’s parents didn’t
? answer, the relatives in Avellino, who could have given us news of Enzo and
? Gennaro, didn’t answer, no one answered at Nino’s number, his friends didn’t
? answer. I talked to Pietro, he had just found out about the earthquake. I
? asked him to keep the girls for a few days, long enough to be sure the danger
? had passed. But as the hours slid by, the dimensions of the disaster grew. We
? hadn’t been frightened for nothing. Lila murmured as if to justify herself:
? You see, the earth was about to split in two.
我們很疲憊界轩，也很激動画饥，有些暈乎乎的，但我們還是步行在城區(qū)浊猾，在一片狼藉的市里轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn)抖甘，城市的寂靜經(jīng)常被救護車刺耳的鳴笛打破。我們一直在說話葫慎，只是為了壓制我們的不安：尼諾在哪兒衔彻？恩佐在哪兒？詹納羅在哪兒偷办？我母親怎么樣了艰额？馬爾切洛·索拉拉把她帶到哪兒了？莉拉的父母在哪兒椒涯？我意識到柄沮，她需要回到地震的那幾秒鐘，不是想說明當(dāng)時有多恐怖废岂，而是要把這件事情作為一個核心祖搓，圍繞著這個核心，她想重新調(diào)整自己的情緒湖苞。她一有機會就會提到那個時刻拯欧，我感覺她越是能控制自己，南方所有城鎮(zhèn)的死亡和毀滅就變得越明顯财骨。她很快就不再帶著羞恥談到她的恐懼镐作，這讓我覺得放心下來了藏姐，但有一種難以描述的東西留在她身上：她走路更小心，聲音有一絲憂慮该贾。關(guān)于地震的記憶還在繼續(xù)羔杨，那不勒斯地震的記憶還在繼續(xù)。炎熱已經(jīng)過去了靶庙，就像這個城市问畅，從她緩慢嘶啞的身體里，呼出了一陣熱氣六荒。
We were dazed by emotions and by
? weariness, but still we walked through the neighborhood and through a
? sorrowing city, now silent, now streaked by the nagging sounds of sirens. We
? kept talking to alleviate anxiety: where was Nino, where was Enzo, where was
? Gennaro, how was my mother, where had Marcello Solara taken her, where were
? Lila’s parents. I realized that she needed to return to the moments of the
? earthquake, and not so much to recount again its traumatic effects as to feel
? them as a new heart around which to restructure sensibility. I encouraged her
? every time, and it seemed to me that the more she regained control of herself
? the more evident became the destruction and death of entire towns of the
? South. Soon she began to speak of the terror without being ashamed and I was
? reassured. But something indefinable nevertheless remained: her more cautious
? steps, a hint of apprehension in her voice. The memory of the earthquake
? endured, Naples contained it. Only the heat was departing, like a foggy breath
? that rose from the body of the city and its slow, strident life.
我們一直走到了尼諾和埃利奧諾拉住的房子下面护姆，我敲了很長時間門，叫了半天掏击，但沒有人回答卵皂。莉拉在距離我一百米的地方看著我，她的肚子挺著砚亭，很尖灯变，滿臉不悅。我和一個從門里出來的人說了幾句捅膘，他拎著兩個行李箱添祸，他說，整棟樓都空了寻仗。我在那里待了一會兒刃泌，無法決定是否離開，我遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)看著莉拉署尤。我記得在地震之前耙替，她跟我說的和給我暗示的事。我感覺到有一隊魔鬼在追趕著她曹体，她利用了恩佐俗扇、帕斯卡萊、安東尼奧箕别，她重新塑造阿方索铜幽。她利用米凱萊對她的狂熱的愛，把他制服了究孕，把他的愛引向阿方索啥酱。米凱萊掙扎著想擺脫，他解雇了阿方索厨诸，關(guān)了馬爾蒂里廣場上的商店，但沒用禾酱。莉拉羞辱他微酬，不停羞辱他绘趋，利用他，驅(qū)使他颗管。誰知道她了解多少事情陷遮，她知道索拉拉兄弟的交易。她為計算機搜集了數(shù)據(jù)垦江，她看到了他們的所有生意帽馋，她知道他們靠販毒掙錢。這就是為什么馬爾切洛痛恨她比吭，這就是為什么我妹妹埃莉莎痛恨她绽族。莉拉知道所有一切，她知道所有事情衩藤，只是出于對一切——無論是死是活的東西——的純粹恐懼吧慢。誰知道，她了解多少尼諾見不得人的事兒赏表。她遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)站著检诗，仿佛在說：算了吧，我們都知道瓢剿，他已經(jīng)和他家人躲到安全的地方去了逢慌，根本不管你的死活。
We reached the house of Nino and
? Eleonora. I knocked for a long time, I called, no answer. Lila stood a
? hundred meters away, staring at me, her belly stretched, pointed, a sulky
? expression on her face. I talked to a man who came out of the entrance with two
? suitcases, he said that the whole building was deserted. I stayed another
? moment, unable to make up my mind to leave. I observed Lila’s figure. I
? remembered what she had said and implied shortly before the earthquake, I had
? the impression that a legion of demons was pursuing her. She used Enzo, she
? used Pasquale, she used Antonio. She remodeled Alfonso. She subdued Michele
? Solara, leading him into a mad love for her, for him. And Michele was
? thrashing about to free himself, he fired Alfonso, he closed the shop in
? Piazza dei Martiri, but in vain. Lila humiliated him, continued to humiliate
? him, subjugating him. How much did she know now of the two brothers’
? business. She had set eyes on their affairs when she collected data for the
? computer, she even knew about the drug money. That’s why Marcello hated her,
? that’s why my sister Elisa hated her. Lila knew everything. She knew
? everything out of pure, simple fear of all that was living or dead. Who knows
? how many ugly facts she knew about Nino. She seemed to say to me from a
? distance: Forget him, we both know that he’s safely with his family and
? doesn’t give a damn about you.
55
從根本上來說间狂，這也是真的攻泼。恩佐和詹納羅當(dāng)晚都回到城區(qū)，他們都非常著急前标，看起來就像是一場殘酷的戰(zhàn)爭后回來的士兵坠韩。他們唯一操心的事情是：莉拉怎么樣了。尼諾是幾天之后才重新出現(xiàn)的炼列，看起來像度假歸來只搁。“我嚇懵了俭尖，”他對我說氢惋，“我?guī)е业暮⒆泳吞幼吡恕稽犁！?/p>
It turned out to be essentially true.
? Enzo and Gennaro returned to the neighborhood in the evening, worn-out,
? overwhelmed, looking like survivors of an atrocious war, with a single
? preoccupation: How was Lila. Nino, on the other hand, reappeared many days
? later, as if he’d come back from a vacation. I couldn’t understand anything,
? he said, I took my children and fled.
他的孩子焰望，真是一個負(fù)責(zé)的父親，那我肚子里懷的這個孩子呢已亥？
His children. What a responsible father.
? And the one I carried in my belly?
他用灑脫的語氣跟我說熊赖，他和兩個孩子、埃利奧諾拉虑椎，還有他岳父岳母震鹉，在明圖爾諾的別墅躲了幾天俱笛。我的臉拉了下來了，幾天沒理他传趾，我不想看到他迎膜，我為我的父母擔(dān)心。我從馬爾切洛那里得知浆兰，他把他們送到一個安全的地方了磕仅，他們和埃莉莎、西爾維奧在一起簸呈，在加埃塔的一處房產(chǎn)里榕订。他是一個人回到城區(qū)的，馬爾切洛也是他的家人的拯救者蝶棋。
He said in his confident voice that he
? had taken refuge with the children, Eleonora, his in-laws in a family villa
? in Minturno. I sulked. I kept him away for days, I didn’t want to see him, I
? was worried about my parents. I heard from Marcello himself, who had returned
? alone to the neighborhood, that he had brought them to a safe place, with
? Elisa and Silvio, to a property he had in Gaeta. Another savior of his
? family.
這時候卸亮，我一個人回到了塔索街上的房子里。天氣忽然變得很冷玩裙，房子冷冷清清的兼贸。我仔細(xì)地檢查了所有墻壁，并沒發(fā)現(xiàn)裂縫吃溅。但晚上我很害怕溶诞，我沒法睡去，擔(dān)心再次地震决侈，我同時也很高興螺垢，彼得羅和多莉婭娜同意幫我多照看幾天女兒。
Meanwhile I returned to Via Tasso, alone.
? It was very cold now, the apartment was freezing. I checked the walls one by
? one, there didn’t seem to be any cracks. But at night I was afraid to fall
? asleep, I feared that the earthquake would return, and I was glad that Pietro
? and Doriana had agreed to keep the children for a while.
圣誕節(jié)來了赖歌，我忍不住又和尼諾和好了枉圃。我去佛羅倫薩接黛黛和艾爾莎，生活重新開始了庐冯，但像一個生病的人孽亲，看不到盡頭。現(xiàn)在每次我遇到莉拉展父，我能感覺到她情緒不穩(wěn)定返劲，尤其是她用霸道的語氣說話時，她看著我栖茉，就好像在說：你知道我的話里隱藏著什么篮绿。
Then Christmas came; I couldn’t help it,
? I made peace with Nino. I went to Florence to get Dede and Elsa. Life began
? again but like a convalescence whose end I couldn’t see. Now, every time I
? saw Lila, I felt on her part a mood of uncertainty, especially when she took
? an aggressive tone. She looked at me as if to say: You know what is behind my
? every word.
但我真的知道嗎？我經(jīng)過邊上有圍欄的街道吕漂，還有那些數(shù)不清的搖搖欲墜亲配、用柱子加固的樓房，這些都昭示著這個城市的低效，我也經(jīng)常會陷入各種各樣紛亂的麻煩中弃榨。我想到了莉拉菩收，她馬上就回去上班了梨睁，她操縱鲸睛、移動、嘲笑和攻擊坡贺。我想起了地震那幾秒官辈，令她崩潰的恐懼，我看到這種恐懼的痕跡還留在她的日常生活中遍坟，她經(jīng)常張開手指放在肚子上了拳亿。我滿心焦慮地想：她現(xiàn)在是誰？她會變成什么樣子愿伴，會有什么樣的反應(yīng)肺魁？有一次，我為了跟她確認(rèn)糟糕的時刻已經(jīng)過去了隔节，我說：
But did I really know? I crossed
? barricaded streets and passed by countless uninhabitable buildings, shored up
? by strong wooden beams. I often ended up in the havoc caused by the basest
? complicit inefficiency. And I thought of Lila, of how she immediately
? returned to work, to manipulate, motivate, deride, attack. I thought of the
? terror that in a few seconds had annihilated her, I saw the trace of that
? terror in her now habitual gesture of holding her hands around her stomach
? with the fingers spread. And I wondered apprehensively: who is she now, what
? can she become, how can she react? I said to her once, to underline that a
? bad moment had passed:
“現(xiàn)在世界恢復(fù)了鹅经。”
“The world has returned to its place.”
她用一種輕蔑的語氣回答說：
She replied teasingly:
“到底哪里恢復(fù)了怎诫？”
“What place?”
56
在懷孕的最后一個月瘾晃，一切都變得很辛苦。尼諾很少露面幻妓，他有很多工作蹦误，這讓我很惱火。他出現(xiàn)的幾次肉津，我對他也很粗暴强胰，我想我現(xiàn)在很丑，他已經(jīng)不在乎我了妹沙。這也是真的偶洋，我自己也不敢照鏡子了，即使照鏡子初烘，也會很心煩涡真。我的臉腫著，鼻子很大肾筐，我的胸脯哆料、肚子就好像把身體其他部分吞沒了，我看不到自己的脖子吗铐，我的腿很短东亦，腳踝很粗大。我變得和我母親一樣了，但不是現(xiàn)在的她——她現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)成了一個消瘦典阵、憂慮的老太太奋渔，過去我最畏懼的、很難纏的那個母親壮啊，已經(jīng)僅僅存在于記憶里嫉鲸。
In the last month of pregnancy everything
? became a struggle. Nino was hardly ever around: he had to work, and that
? exasperated me. When he did appear, he was rude. I thought: I’m ugly, he
? doesn’t want me anymore. And it was true, by now I couldn’t look at myself in
? the mirror without disgust. I had puffy cheeks and an enormous nose. My bosom
? and stomach seemed to have consumed the rest of my body, I saw myself without
? a neck, with short legs and fat ankles. I had become like my mother, but not
? the one of now, who was a thin, frightened old woman; rather, I resembled the
? venomous figure I had always feared, who now existed only in my memory.
那個愛施虐的母親忽然又冒了出來，開始通過我展示出她的疲憊不安歹啼，還有那個瀕死的母親玄渗，通過她的脆弱，像一個快要溺水的人的目光狸眼，讓我感到心痛藤树。我變得很難相處，每件偶然發(fā)生的事情拓萌，都讓我覺得是一場陰謀岁钓，我經(jīng)常會大喊大叫。在我最不開心的時候微王，我感覺屡限，那不勒斯的那些問題已經(jīng)進入我的身體，我已經(jīng)沒法做出一副可愛骂远、討人喜歡的樣子囚霸。彼得羅給我打電話，讓我和兩個孩子說話激才，我也很不溫和拓型。我的出版社或者我討厭的報紙給我打電話，我會說：“我已經(jīng)懷孕第九個月了瘸恼，我很煩劣挫，放過我吧《В”
That persecuting mother was unleashed.
? She began to act through me, venting because of the difficulties, the
? anxieties, the pain the dying mother was causing me with her frailties, the
? gaze of a person who is about to drown. I became intractable, every complication
? seemed like a plot, I often started shouting. I had the impression, in my
? moments of greatest unhappiness, that the chaos of Naples had settled even in
? my body, that I was losing the capacity to be nice, to be likable. Pietro
? called to talk to the children and I was brusque. The publisher called me, or
? some daily paper, and I protested, I said: I’m in my ninth month, I’m
? stressed, leave me alone.
我跟兩個女兒的關(guān)系也越來越糟糕压固。跟黛黛倒好，因為她跟她父親很像靠闭，很講道理帐我，很聰明。艾爾莎開始讓我很討厭愧膀，她從一個溫順的小姑娘拦键，變得越來越?jīng)]規(guī)矩了，老師一直在向我抱怨檩淋，說她是一個狡猾芬为、暴戾的孩子。我自己呢，我會在街上或者在家里不停說她媚朦，說她愛無事生非氧敢，霸占其他孩子的東西，歸還的時候她會故意把那些東西搞壞询张。真是三個女人一臺戲孙乖。我心里想，尼諾當(dāng)然會逃得遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)的瑞侮，他更愿意和埃利奧諾拉的圆、阿爾伯特、莉迪亞待在一起半火。晚上我睡不著覺，因為肚子里的孩子踢騰得太厲害了季俩，就好像肚子里全是氣泡钮糖，我希望這個孩子和所有人預(yù)測的都不一樣，我希望肚里的孩子是個男孩酌住，一個像尼諾的男孩店归，一個他非常喜歡的兒子，讓他愛這個孩子超過愛其他孩子酪我。
With my daughters, too, I got worse. Not
? so much with Dede, since she resembled her father, and I was by now
? accustomed to her mixture of intelligence, affection, and harassing logic. It
? was Elsa who began to upset me. The meek little girl was becoming a being
? with blurry features, whose teacher did nothing but complain about her,
? calling her sly and violent, while I myself, in the house or on the street,
? constantly scolded her for picking fights, taking others’ things and breaking
? them when she had to give them back. A fine trio of women we are, I said to
? myself, it’s obvious that Nino is avoiding us, that he prefers Eleonora,
? Albertino, and Lidia. When I couldn’t sleep at night because of the creature
? stirring in my womb, as if it were made of mobile air bubbles, I hoped
? against every prediction that the new baby would be a male, that he would
? resemble Nino, that he would please him, and that Nino would love him more
? than his other children.
無論我多么努力消痛，想回到我喜歡的樣子——我一直想成為一個心理平衡的人，能控制那些陰暗或者暴力的情感都哭，但生產(chǎn)前的那些日子秩伞，我一直沒辦法取得平衡。我把一切都?xì)w罪于地震欺矫，當(dāng)時好像沒什么纱新，但我內(nèi)心深處開始感到不安，那種焦慮一直深入到我的肚子里穆趴。開車經(jīng)過卡波迪蒙特的隧道時脸爱，我會感覺到一陣陣恐懼，我擔(dān)心會另來一陣地震未妹，讓隧道倒塌下來簿废。我經(jīng)過馬耳他大街上的高架橋，橋在動络它，我會加快車速族檬，盡快地逃離那里，我擔(dān)心地震隨時都會讓它斷開酪耕。在某個階段导梆，我甚至不再消滅家里的螞蟻，它們經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)在洗手間里，我沒把它們弄死看尼，就是為了觀察它們的動向递鹉，阿方索說，它們比人能更早覺察到災(zāi)難藏斩。
But although I forced myself to return to
? the image I preferred of myself—I had always wanted to be an even-tempered
? person who wisely curbed petty or even violent feelings—in those final days I
? was unable to find an equilibrium. I blamed the earthquake, which at the time
? didn’t seem to have disturbed me a great deal but perhaps remained deep
? inside, right in my belly. If I drove through the tunnel of Capodimonte I was
? gripped by panic, I was afraid that a new shock would make it collapse. If I
? took the Corso Malta viaduct, which vibrated anyway, I accelerated to escape
? the shock that might shatter it at any moment. In that phase I even stopped
? battling the ants, which often and willingly appeared in the bathroom: I
? preferred to let them live and every so often observe them; Alfonso claimed
? that they could anticipate disaster.
不僅僅是地震躏结，莉拉說的那些模棱兩可的話也讓我失措。我在街上狰域，現(xiàn)在假如我看到針管媳拴，就像我在米蘭無意中看到的那些用過的針管，有時候我在教堂旁邊的小花園會看到兆览，我都覺得有一股無名的火往上冒屈溉。我想去找馬爾切洛和我的兩個弟弟吵架，盡管我不知道我要對他們說什么抬探。在這種情況下子巾，我做了一些讓人討厭的事情，也說了讓人后悔的話小压。我母親一直在追問我有沒有和莉拉說我兩個弟弟的事线梗，有一天，我很不客氣地回了一句：“媽怠益，莉娜不能要他們仪搔，她已經(jīng)有一個哥哥吸毒了，她還要為詹納羅操心蜻牢，你們自己解決不了的問題烤咧，怎么能指望她『⒈”她非常驚恐地看著我髓削，她從來都沒提到過吸毒的事兒，我說了一句不該說的話镀娶。假如在其他時候立膛，她會大聲叫喊，捍衛(wèi)我的兩個弟弟梯码，會罵我麻木不仁宝泵，但現(xiàn)在她待在廚房一個陰暗的角落里，再也不吱聲了轩娶。這讓我很懊悔地對她說：“你不用擔(dān)心儿奶，我們總會找到一個解決辦法■悖”
But it wasn’t only the aftermath of the
? earthquake that upset me; Lila’s fantastical hints also entered into it. I
? now looked on the streets for syringes like the ones I had absent-mindedly
? noticed in the days of Milan. And if I saw some in the gardens in the
? neighborhood a querulous mist rose around me, I wanted to go and confront
? Marcello and my brothers, even if it wasn’t clear to me what arguments I
? would use. Thus I ended up doing and saying hateful things. To my mother, who
? harassed me, asking if I had talked to Lila about Peppe and Gianni, I
? responded rudely one day: Ma, Lina can’t take them, she already has a brother
? who’s a drug addict, and she’s afraid for Gennaro, you can’t all burden her
? with the problems you can’t fix. She looked at me in horror, she had never
? alluded to drugs, I had said a word that shouldn’t be said. But if in earlier
? times she would have started shouting in defense of my brothers and against
? my lack of sensitivity, now she shut herself in a dark corner of the kitchen
? and didn’t breathe a word, so that I had to say, repentant: Don’t worry, come
? on, we’ll find a solution.
什么辦法闯捎？我后來的做法讓事情變得更加復(fù)雜椰弊。我在小花園里找到了佩佩——不知道詹尼在哪兒——我教訓(xùn)了他一通，我說瓤鼻，通過別人的惡習(xí)賺錢是很糟糕的事兒秉版。我對他說：“你隨便找個工作吧，但不要干這個茬祷，你會把自己毀掉清焕，會讓我們的母親擔(dān)心死的〖婪福”我說話時秸妥，他一邊耷拉著眼皮聽著，一邊用左手大拇指指甲清理右手指甲里的污穢沃粗。他比我小三歲粥惧，我是大姐，他是小弟陪每，他覺得我是一個重要人物影晓，因此對我還是有一點兒敬畏，但這也無法阻止他在最后冷笑著對我說：“沒有我的錢檩禾，媽媽已經(jīng)死了“碳溃”然后他擺了擺手盼产，走開了。
What solution? I made things even more
? complicated. I tracked down Peppe in the gardens—who knows where Gianni
? was—and made an angry speech about how terrible it was to earn money from the
? vices of others. I said: Go find any job but not this, you’ll ruin yourself
? and make our mother die of worry. The whole time he was cleaning the nails of
? his right hand with the nail of his left thumb, and he listened to me
? uneasily, eyes lowered. He was three years younger than me and felt like the
? little brother in front of the big sister who was an important person. But
? that didn’t keep him from saying to me, at the end, with a sneer: Without my
? money Mamma would already be dead. He went away with a faint wave of
? farewell.
他的態(tài)度讓我更加煩躁勺馆。過了一兩天戏售，我去找埃莉莎了，我希望馬爾切洛也在家草穆。天氣非常冷灌灾，新城區(qū)的街道和老城區(qū)一樣骯臟破爛。馬爾切洛不在家悲柱，他們家非常凌亂锋喜，我妹妹非常懶散地接待了我，她對我很不敬：她穿著睡衣豌鸡，沒有梳洗嘿般，只是照看著孩子。我?guī)缀跏菍λ泻爸f：“告訴你丈夫——我強調(diào)了丈夫這個詞涯冠，雖然他們還沒有結(jié)婚——他要把我們的兄弟毀掉了炉奴，假如他要販毒，讓他自己去賣蛇更≌案希”我就是這么說的赛糟，用的是意大利語，她的臉色變得蒼白砸逊，說：“萊農(nóng)璧南，馬上從我家里出去！你在跟誰這樣說話呢痹兜？和你認(rèn)識的那些闊佬嗎穆咐？你趕緊走吧，你是一個自大狂字旭，你一直都是对湃。”我還想著回答遗淳，她叫喊起來了：“你再也不要來這里教訓(xùn)我拍柒，還有我的馬爾切洛！他是一個好人屈暗，我們欠他的拆讯，假如我愿意，他會為我把你养叛，還有莉娜那個婊子种呐，以及所有你欣賞的那些混蛋全買下來！”
That answer got me even more upset. I let
? a day or two go by and went to see Elisa, hoping to find Marcello, too. It
? was very cold, the streets of the new neighborhood were as damaged and dirty
? as those of the old. Marcello wasn’t there; the house was untidy; and I found
? my sister’s slovenliness annoying: she hadn’t washed or dressed, all she did
? was take care of her son. I almost scolded her: Tell your husband—and I
? stressed that word husband even though they weren’t married—that he’s ruining
? our brothers; if he has to sell drugs, let him do it himself. I expressed
? myself like that, in Italian, and she turned pale, she said: Lenù, leave my
? house immediately, who do you think you’re talking to, all those fancy people
? you know? Get out, you’re presumptuous, you always were. As soon as I tried
? to reply she shouted: Don’t ever come here again acting like the professor
? about my Marcello: he’s a good person, we owe everything to him; if I want to
? I can buy you, that whore Lina, and all the shits you admire so much.
