Kicking the Elephant Out of the Room
有個(gè)著名的心理學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)贮喧，叫“別去想那頭粉紅色的大象”河咽，測試者被要求不能去想象屋子里有一頭粉紅色的大象——實(shí)驗(yàn)發(fā)現(xiàn),這是很難做到的,一旦腦子里有了這個(gè)信號(hào),就很難不想寇僧。
這就是我們大腦的活動(dòng)規(guī)律弱恒，越強(qiáng)迫自己不去想東西射亏，越會(huì)被引誘去想虫腋。
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IN COLLEGE, MOST people have a roommate or two.
Some have three or four.
Dave had ten.
After graduation, the roommates scattered across the country, seeing one another only on special occasions.
In the spring of 2014, we all got together for their twenty-fifth college reunion.
The families had so much fun that we decided to spend the Fourth of July together the next year.
Dave passed away two months before the trip.
I thought about skipping it.
The prospect of spending the weekend with Dave’s roommates without Dave seemed overwhelmingly hard.
But I was grasping to hang on to the life we had together, and canceling felt like giving up another piece of him.
So I went, hoping that it would be comforting to be with his close friends, who were also grieving.
Most of the trip was a blur, but on the last day, I sat down for breakfast with several of the roommates, including Jeff King, who had been diagnosed years earlier with multiple sclerosis.
Dave and I had discussed Jeff’s illness many times with each other, but that morning I realized that I had never actually spoken with Jeff about it.
Hello, Elephant.
“Jeff,”I said,“how are you? I mean, really, how are you? How are you
feeling? Are you scared?”
Jeff looked up in surprise and paused for a long few moments.
With tears in his eyes, he said,“Thank you. Thank you for asking.”
And then he talked.
he talked about his diagnosis and how he hated that he had to stop practicing medicine.
How his continued deterioration was hard on his children.
How he was worried about his future.
How relieved he felt being able to talk about it with me and the others at the table that morning.
When breakfast was over, hehugged me tight.
Jeff，Dave的一個(gè)室友妥畏，因?yàn)樽髡邌柫艘痪鋒ow are you?邦邦，而對(duì)她非常感激，因?yàn)橹辽偎X得她在關(guān)心他醉蚁，在意他的情況燃辖。
因?yàn)檎麄€(gè)聚會(huì)沒有人問過他，沒有人關(guān)心他的病情网棍。所有人都在試著去忽視房間里的大象黔龟，覺得不去講，不去問就是對(duì)他最好的關(guān)懷滥玷。
面對(duì)生活中的不幸氏身，人們總是會(huì)選擇去隱藏它。不去想它惑畴，不去理它蛋欣，但是它并不是這樣就憑空消失了。
面對(duì)這種情況如贷，身邊的人會(huì)非常尷尬陷虎，他們想去關(guān)心你，卻又害怕傷害了你杠袱。
所以尚猿，身邊的朋友這個(gè)時(shí)候會(huì)選擇不去提起，害怕在你身邊說錯(cuò)話楣富、做錯(cuò)事凿掂。
所以他們選擇了沉默，選擇了不聞不問的一種狀態(tài)菩彬，這種狀態(tài)是最不易犯錯(cuò)的一種方式缠劝，
但是這種方式也是最傷人的潮梯，因?yàn)檫@樣會(huì)讓陷入痛苦的人更痛苦骗灶，因?yàn)樗麩o法找到一個(gè)人去訴說惨恭。
因?yàn)楹ε聲?huì)讓他們傷心，曾經(jīng)親密的朋友耙旦，要么就是沉默相對(duì)脱羡，要么就是遠(yuǎn)離。
其實(shí)并不是他們不再關(guān)心了免都，也不是他們不想關(guān)心锉罐，只是他們不知道怎么去做，所以干脆就不去做绕娘。
In the early weeks after Dave died,
I was shocked when I’d see friends who did not ask how I was doing.
The first time it happened, I thought I was dealing with a non-question-asking friend.
I couldn’t understand when friends didn’t ask me how I was.
I felt invisible, as if I were standing in front of them but they couldn’t see me.
When someone shows up with a cast, we immediately inquire,“What happened?”
If your ankle gets shattered, people ask to hear the story.
If your life gets shattered, they don’t.
每個(gè)人都不去想這個(gè)大象的存在脓规，但是大象卻又真實(shí)地存在。
陷入悲痛的人险领，不會(huì)去主動(dòng)提起侨舆，周圍的朋友更不會(huì)主動(dòng)提起這種事情。
因愛生怕绢陌，因怕而不知所措挨下。
所以他們都在盡力去里面這種情況，避免痛苦的談?wù)撈晖澹@樣同時(shí)也避免了與陷入絕望里的人的交往臭笆，會(huì)讓其在困境當(dāng)中更加的孤獨(dú)，使陷入悲傷的人更痛苦秤掌，甚至比悲傷本身還痛愁铺。
People who have endured the worst suffering often want to talk about it.
但是呢，實(shí)際上闻鉴，在生活中遭受損失的人更愿意去談?wù)撍?jīng)歷的痛苦和不幸帜讲。
一方面她不想揭開傷口，另一方面她又希望有人來揭開傷口椒拗。
她不愿揭開傷口似将，是不想再回憶一次痛苦。
又希望有人揭開她的傷口蚀苛，是因?yàn)樗裏o法忍受一個(gè)人承擔(dān)痛苦在验，一個(gè)人孤獨(dú)地面對(duì)一切，她希望有人來關(guān)心她的痛苦堵未。
就算是不能分擔(dān)腋舌，但至少讓她有人理解她，有人會(huì)陪她渗蟹。理解和陪伴就足以讓人更好地面對(duì)這種不幸块饺。
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作為朋友赞辩，You can’t wish the elephant away, but you can say,“I see it. I see you’re suffering. And I care about you.”這就足夠了
