10 ways to have a better conversation
這是在TED上面很受歡迎的一個(gè)分享六孵，第一次看完感觸頗深，然后基本上就是每天必看一次，現(xiàn)在基本上可以背下全文，但是要想悟透（不是知道表窘，這區(qū)別很大）分享者的觀點(diǎn)，我想我還是很有必要自己翻譯一遍甜滨，盡管網(wǎng)易的公開課也有這個(gè)視頻乐严，并且翻譯的很不錯(cuò)。
以下是全文以及我的翻譯：
All right, I want to see a show of hands:how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion,childcare, food?
好的衣摩，我想讓大家舉手示意一下昂验，有多少人在Facebook上拉黑過別人，因?yàn)樗麄儼l(fā)表過一些令你不悅的言論艾扮，比如政治既琴、宗教、育兒泡嘴，或者是食物呛梆。
(Laughter)
And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
有多人人有至少一個(gè)不想見到的人，因?yàn)槟憔褪遣幌敫鷮?duì)方說話磕诊。
(Laughter)
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to the weather and your health.But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --are not safe either.So this world that we live in,this world in which every conversationhas the potential to devolve into an argument,where our politicians can't speak to one anotherand where even the most trivial of issueshave someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,we are more divided,than we ever have been in history.We're less likely to compromise,which means we're not listening to each other.And we make decisions about where to live,who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,based on what we already believe.Again, that means we're not listening to each other.A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
你知道，過去你為了禮貌的交談纹腌，我們不得不遵守Henry Higgins在《My Fair Lady》中的建議霎终，你只需要談?wù)撎鞖夂湍愕慕】禒顩r就好了。但是近期升薯，隨著氣候變化以及反對(duì)疫苗莱褒，這些招式也不怎么管用了。所以涎劈，這個(gè)我們生活的世界广凸，我們的每一次交談，都有可能發(fā)展成一次爭論蛛枚，政客們不能互相交談谅海，甚至為那些雞毛蒜皮的小事，都有人激昂的贊同或者反對(duì)蹦浦，這太不正常了扭吁。Pew Research對(duì)1萬名美國人做了一次調(diào)查，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)，在這件事情上侥袜，我們的偏激程度蝌诡，我們立場(chǎng)鮮明程度，比歷史上任何時(shí)期都要高枫吧。我們很少妥協(xié)浦旱，這也就意味著我們很少互相傾聽。我們所做的決定九杂，我們?nèi)ツ纳畎浜l結(jié)婚，和誰交朋友尼酿，這取決于我們已有的信念爷狈。這同樣意味著我們沒有互相傾聽彼此。交談需要平衡說和聽裳擎，但是不知怎么涎永，我們失去了這種平衡。
Now, part of that is due to technology.The smartphones that you all either have in your handsor close enough that you could grab them really quickly.According to Pew Research,about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friendsthan they are to talk to them face to face.There's this great piece in The Atlantic.It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.And he gave his kids a communication project.He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.And he said this: "I came to realize..."
現(xiàn)在鹿响，技術(shù)進(jìn)步是一部分原因羡微，比如智能手機(jī)現(xiàn)在就在你們的手中，附近惶我，以至于你們隨手就能拿到它妈倔。按照Pew Research的研究，大約三分之一的美國青少年每天發(fā)送超過100條短信绸贡，這其中的很多人盯蝴，甚至是全部人，更喜歡向他們的朋友發(fā)送短信听怕，而不是面對(duì)面交流捧挺。《大西洋》雜志刊登過一篇很棒的文章尿瞭，是一個(gè)叫Paul Barnwell的高中老師寫的闽烙，他給他的學(xué)生們留了一個(gè)交流作業(yè)。他希望教會(huì)孩子們?cè)诓唤柚P記的情況下進(jìn)行一場(chǎng)特別的演講声搁。他說道黑竞，我開始意識(shí)到。疏旨。很魂。
"I came to realize that conversational competencemight be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,but rarely do they have an opportunityto hone their interpersonal communications skills.It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:Is there any 21st-century skillmore important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
我開始意識(shí)到，交流能力可能是我們最被我們忽視的檐涝，沒有教好的技能莫换。孩子每天花費(fèi)數(shù)小時(shí)通過屏幕和其他伙伴交流創(chuàng)意霞玄，但是很少有機(jī)會(huì)去打磨自己的人際交往的技能。這可能聽起來是一個(gè)滑稽的問題拉岁，但是我們不得不問問我們自己：21世紀(jì)坷剧，有什么能力比維持一段連貫的，自信的談話更重要喊暖。
Now, I make my living talking to people:Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,billionaires, kindergarten teachers,heads of state, plumbers.I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.But I still have a great conversation with them.So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talkand how to listen.
現(xiàn)在惫企，我的職業(yè)就是跟別人談話，諾貝爾獎(jiǎng)獲得者陵叽，卡車司機(jī)狞尔，億萬富翁，幼兒園老師巩掺，市長偏序，水管工。我和我喜歡的人交談胖替，也和我不喜歡的人交談研儒。我和在個(gè)人層面上很不認(rèn)同的人交談。但是独令，我依舊和他們談的不錯(cuò)端朵。所以，我想用接下來的10分鐘教你們?nèi)绾握f話燃箭，如何傾聽冲呢。
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,things like look the person in the eye,think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.So I want you to forget all of that.It is crap.
你們中的很多人一定聽過很多這方面的建議，比如看著對(duì)方的眼睛招狸，提前想好有趣的話題敬拓，注視，點(diǎn)頭裙戏，微笑來表示你很專注乘凸，重復(fù)你剛剛聽到的那些或者總結(jié)。但是挽懦，我想要你們忘掉這一切，這全都沒用木人。
(Laughter)
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
根本沒有理由去學(xué)習(xí)如何表現(xiàn)的專注信柿，如果事實(shí)上你很專注的話。
Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.Learn to have a conversationwithout wasting your time, without getting bored,and, please God, without offending anybody.
事實(shí)上醒第，我是把一模一樣的職業(yè)訪談技巧渔嚷，用到了日常生活中。所以稠曼，我我要教你們?nèi)绾稳ピL談別人形病，其實(shí)，這將會(huì)幫助你們學(xué)習(xí)如何成為一個(gè)更好的溝通者。學(xué)習(xí)開始一段交流漠吻，不浪費(fèi)時(shí)間量瓜，不無聊，以及最重要的途乃，不冒犯任何人绍傲。
We've all had really great conversations.We've had them before. We know what it's like.The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,or where you feel like you've made a real connectionor you've been perfectly understood.There is no reason Why most of your interactions can't be like that.
我們都曾有過很棒的交談。我們都有過耍共，我們都知道那是什么感覺烫饼，那種結(jié)束之后讓你感到享受和鼓舞的交談，或者讓你感覺到你和別人真正的建立了連接试读，你得到了真正的理解杠纵。沒有理由，為什么你大部分的人際交往不能成為那樣钩骇。
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,you'll already enjoy better conversations.
所以比藻，我這里有10條基本規(guī)則，我將會(huì)一一的解釋他們伊履，但是坦率的說韩容，如果你選擇其中的一條，并且熟練掌握唐瀑，你將會(huì)享受愉快的交談了群凶。
Number one: Don't multitask.And I don't mean just set down your cell phoneor your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.I mean, be present.Be in that moment.Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.If you want to get out of the conversation,get out of the conversation,but don't be half in it and half out of it.
一：不要三心二意。我不是說簡單的放下你的手機(jī)哄辣，平板電腦请梢，車鑰匙或者是任何你拿在你手里的東西。我的意思是力穗，享受現(xiàn)在毅弧，進(jìn)入到那個(gè)情境中去。不要想你之前和老板的爭吵当窗，不要想著晚飯吃什么够坐，如果你想退出交談，就退出交談好了崖面，不要身在曹營心在漢元咙。
Number two: Don't pontificate.If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,write a blog.
二、不要好人為師巫员。如果你想表達(dá)你的觀點(diǎn)庶香，又不想有任何機(jī)會(huì)讓別人回應(yīng)，爭論简识，反駁赶掖，或者是轉(zhuǎn)發(fā)（不知道這兒growth如何翻譯才更好）感猛，去寫博客。
Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:Because they're really boring.If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.Totally predictable.And you don't want to be like that.You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance,the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.Again, assume that you have something to learn.
有個(gè)很好地理由來說明為什么我們的談話中不該有專家說教奢赂，因?yàn)槟钦娴暮軣o聊陪白。如果對(duì)方是個(gè)保守派，那他們一定討厭奧巴馬呈驶，食品券和墮胎拷泽。如果對(duì)方是個(gè)自由派，他們一定討厭大銀行袖瞻，石油公司司致，和迪克。完全可以預(yù)測(cè)聋迎，你一定不喜歡那樣脂矫。你需要在開始每一次交流之前都假設(shè)自己可以學(xué)到一些東西。著名的治療專家M. Scott Peck說霉晕，真正的傾聽需要把自己放在一旁（放空自己）庭再，某種意義上講，有些情況下你需要把你的觀點(diǎn)放在一旁牺堰。他說拄轻，感受到這種接納，說話的人會(huì)變得越來越不敏感伟葫，而且越來越有可能打開自己的內(nèi)心世界給傾聽者恨搓。再說一遍，假設(shè)你可以學(xué)到一些東西筏养。
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."I put it this way:Everybody is an expert in something.
Bill Nye說斧抱，每一個(gè)你沒有叫過的人都有你不知道的東西，用我的話說渐溶，每個(gè)人都是某方面的專家辉浦。
Number three: Use open-ended questions.In this case, take a cue from journalists.Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't.""Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.Try asking them things like, "What was that like?""How did that feel?"Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
三：使用開放式的問題。有關(guān)這個(gè)問題茎辐，可以參照記者的提問方式宪郊。以誰、什么拖陆、何時(shí)弛槐、何地、為什么慕蔚、何種方式開始提問丐黄，如果你問了一個(gè)具體的問題斋配，你將會(huì)得到一個(gè)簡單的回答孔飒。如果我問你：“你當(dāng)時(shí)恐懼嗎灌闺？你會(huì)用那個(gè)句子中最有力的那個(gè)詞回答，即“恐懼”坏瞄，或者答案是“是的桂对，我很恐懼”或者“不，我不恐懼”鸠匀〗缎保“你當(dāng)時(shí)生氣嗎？”缀棍，“是宅此，我很生氣.”讓對(duì)方去描述，他們才是最了解情況的人爬范。嘗試著這樣問父腕，“那是什么樣子？”青瀑，“你感覺怎么樣”他們也許會(huì)停頓一下璧亮，思考一會(huì)，而你會(huì)得到很有意思的回答斥难。
Number four: Go with the flow.That means thoughts will come into your mindand you need to let them go out of your mind.We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutesand then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question,and he was just bound and determined to say that.And we do the exact same thing.We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop
四：順其自然枝嘶。也就是說，想法會(huì)自然的流入你的大腦哑诊，你需要將他們表達(dá)出來群扶。我們經(jīng)常在采訪中看到，嘉賓說了好幾分鐘搭儒，主持人回來問問題穷当，這問題感覺好像不知道從何而來或者嘉賓已經(jīng)回答過了。這也就有可能淹禾，主持人兩分鐘之前就沒聽了馁菜，因?yàn)樗谙胨@個(gè)機(jī)智的問題，于是心里都是想著說這個(gè)問題铃岔。我們也經(jīng)常干這樣的事情汪疮，當(dāng)我們和某人交談的時(shí)候，我突然想起那次我和Hugh Jackman在咖啡店偶遇毁习。
And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you.You need to let them come and let them go.
然后我們就不聽了智嚷，故事和想法不斷的涌現(xiàn)出來，你需要讓他們離開纺且，即便這無法阻止盏道。（這一句式，之前沒有見過载碌，查閱字典是這樣解釋的）
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,are much more aware that they're going on the record,and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert inand what they claim to know for sure.Do that. Err on the side of caution.Talk should not be cheap.
五：如果你不知道猜嘱，就說你不知道衅枫。（別裝逼）現(xiàn)在，在廣播尤其是NPR工作的人朗伶，非常能意識(shí)到他們的話將會(huì)被播出去弦撩，所以他們很小心，在他們很專業(yè)或者是很確信的東西论皆。就這么做益楼，警言慎行。交談不應(yīng)該是廉價(jià)的（應(yīng)該是負(fù)責(zé)人的）
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.If they're talking about having lost a family member,don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,don't tell them about how much you hate your job.It's not the same. It is never the same.All experiences are individual.And, more importantly, it is not about you.You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,"I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
六：不要把自己的經(jīng)歷和別人的對(duì)比点晴。如果有人談?wù)撍チ艘晃挥H人感凤，不要開始談?wù)撃阋彩チ艘晃挥H人。如果有人談?wù)撛诠ぷ髦杏龅降穆闊┝６剑灰嬖V別人你有多么討厭你的工作俊扭。這不一樣。這絕對(duì)不一樣坠陈。所有的經(jīng)歷都是個(gè)人的萨惑，而且更重要的是，這不是在談?wù)撃愕氖虑槌鸱悴恍枰诖丝套C明你有多么的驚訝庸蔼，或者你經(jīng)受了多少痛苦。有人問霍金贮匕，你的智商是多少姐仅？他說：”我不知道，那些自吹自己智商高的人都是失敗者（loser刻盐，這個(gè)詞在這個(gè)地方不知道如何翻譯更好）
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
交談不是推銷自己的機(jī)會(huì)掏膏。
Number seven:Try not to repeat yourself.It's condescending, and it's really boring,and we tend to do it a lot.Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,we have a point to make,so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don't do that.
七：盡量別重復(fù)自己說過的話。這很傲嬌敦锌，也很無聊馒疹。但是我們很容易這么做，尤其是在工作交談中乙墙，跟孩子的交談中颖变，我們有一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)想表達(dá)，于是我們換著法的使勁說听想，別這么做腥刹。
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.Frankly, people don't careabout the years, the names,the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.They don't care. What they care about is you.They care about what you're like,what you have in common.So forget the details. Leave them out.
八：少說廢話。坦率的說汉买，沒有人在乎那些年份衔峰，姓名，日期等，你試圖在腦海中回想這些細(xì)節(jié)垫卤，別人不在乎邻吞。他們?cè)诤醯氖悄悖麄冊(cè)诤醯氖悄闶鞘裁礃拥娜撕校銈冇惺裁垂餐c(diǎn)，所以忘記這些細(xì)節(jié)崔列，別管他們梢褐。
Number nine:This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.Listen.I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,"If your mouth is open, you're not learning."And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
這不是最后一條，確實(shí)最重要的一條.傾聽.我不知道有多少牛逼的人說過赵讯，傾聽可能是最重要盈咳，第一重要你需要提升的技能。佛說-我轉(zhuǎn)述一下边翼，“如果你不停的說鱼响，你講學(xué)不到任何東西”Calvin Coolidge說，從來沒有人因?yàn)橐恢甭牰还鹃_除的组底。
Why do we not listen to each other?Number one, we'd rather talk.When I'm talking, I'm in control.I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.I'm the center of attention.I can bolster my own identity.But there's another reason:We get distracted.The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.And look, I know, it takes effort and energyto actually pay attention to someone,but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
我們?yōu)槭裁床荒芑ハ鄡A聽丈积？首先，我們更喜歡說债鸡。當(dāng)我說的時(shí)候江滨，一起都在我的掌控之中，我不用去聽任何我不感興趣的東西厌均。我是焦點(diǎn)唬滑。我可以強(qiáng)化我的認(rèn)同感，但是這有另外一個(gè)原因：我們會(huì)受到干擾棺弊，正常人每分鐘說225個(gè)單詞晶密，但是我們每分鐘可以聽超過500個(gè)單詞，所以我們的大腦被這275個(gè)單詞占據(jù)了模她。我知道稻艰，專注的聽別人說很消耗精力，但是你不這么做侈净，你們就不是在交談连锯。你們只是兩個(gè)在同一地方幾乎不相關(guān)的兩個(gè)人彼此嚷嚷罷了。
You have to listen to one another.Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.We listen with the intent to reply."
你們必須互相傾聽用狱。Stephen Covey描述的非常好运怖。他說，大部分人聽別人說并不是為了理解夏伊，而是為了回復(fù)摇展。
One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.
最后一條，第十條：簡明扼要溺忧。
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]
好的交談就像恰到好處的迷你裙咏连，短到足夠吸引人盯孙，長到可以包住重點(diǎn)部位。-我的妹妹的比喻祟滴。
(Applause)All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one:Be interested in other people.
所有的這些濃縮成一個(gè)基本的概念：對(duì)對(duì)方產(chǎn)生興趣振惰。
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,and there was kind of a ritual in my home.People would come over to talk to my grandparents,and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?She was the runner-up to Miss America.He was the mayor of Sacramento.She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can,I keep my mind open,and I'm always prepared to be amazed,and I'm never disappointed.
你們知道，我在一個(gè)名人外公身邊長大垄懂，有各種各種的賓客出現(xiàn)在我家（絡(luò)繹不絕）骑晶，他們會(huì)過來跟我的外祖母交談，當(dāng)他們走后草慧，我媽會(huì)走過來桶蛔，對(duì)我們說：“你們知道那是誰嗎？”她是美國小姐的亞軍漫谷，他是薩克拉門托的市長仔雷，他拿過普利策獎(jiǎng)，他是俄羅斯芭蕾舞舞蹈家舔示。我在成長中默認(rèn)了碟婆，每個(gè)人都有一些不為人知、令人驚訝的事情惕稻。說實(shí)話脑融，我想正是這讓我成為了一個(gè)更好的主持人。我盡量保持不說話缩宜，我開放我自己的思想肘迎，我時(shí)刻準(zhǔn)備著大吃一驚，而我從來沒有失望過锻煌。
You do the same thing.Go out, talk to people,listen to people,and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
你可以做同樣的事情妓布，走出去，和別人交談宋梧，聽別人說匣沼，以及最重要的，準(zhǔn)備好大吃一驚捂龄。
Thanks.
小結(jié)：曾經(jīng)一度覺得自己患了社交恐懼癥释涛，拒絕與別人聊天，其實(shí)大部分情況是不知道聊什么，又或者是覺得溝通成本實(shí)在是太高，不喜歡這種效率低下的社交方式饶唤。
仔細(xì)觀察了身邊的好多溝通場(chǎng)景歉糜，發(fā)現(xiàn)正如分享者所說淳玩，大部分情況下我們并不是在溝通，只是恰巧出現(xiàn)在同一時(shí)間八堡，同一地點(diǎn)的兩個(gè)人互相嚷嚷罷了桥温，通常來說意義是不大的扑浸，反倒是會(huì)增加社交壓力烧给。
傾聽，這是一門學(xué)問喝噪，更是一種品德础嫡，需要克制，需要放空自己酝惧，而這恰恰是優(yōu)秀的人和平庸的人的根本區(qū)別榴鼎，就像我最近頓悟的一句話，如果你不能控制你自己的情緒系奉，你將一事無成。
最后分享者有個(gè)很精彩的觀點(diǎn)就是：盡量保持不說話姑廉，隨時(shí)轉(zhuǎn)備好大吃一驚缺亮，不管別人咋樣，我已經(jīng)開始這么做了桥言。
