怎樣管教小淘氣包茅信？

Gokid枸杞?今天

譯自：Ariadne Brill

You broke your own rule mama! You used the car as a closet! ?Said my daughter beyond excited to have noticed my forgotten coat, wrinkled and abandoned in the freezing cold car.You are right. And I am so glad you noticed and told me. I offered with a smile. I will be sure to take it inside next time. I said to her.

媽媽你自己犯規(guī)了屹徘！你把汽車當(dāng)衣柜用！女兒一臉興奮沐旨，她發(fā)現(xiàn)我把皺巴巴的外套落在冰冷的車?yán)锪松Ｄ阏f的對(duì)，真高興你能發(fā)現(xiàn)磁携，而且還告訴了我褒侧。我保證下次把衣服帶回家，我微笑著對(duì)她說颜武。

Mom! It’s a no biggie! ?Can I have a piggyback ride when we arrive? Oh and I bet you will do better next time. ?She added with a silly, silly smile.

媽媽璃搜！沒什么大不了的！到家你能背著我走一會(huì)么鳞上？我相信你下次能做的更好这吻。她傻笑著又補(bǔ)上一句。

As my daughter had playfully explained that my forgotten coat was not a big deal, ?I could hear my words coming through.The very words I strive to use when small mistakes happen and just a hint of guidance will do the trick.

女兒調(diào)皮的解釋說我忘掉外套不過是小事一樁篙议，她這句話里有我的影子唾糯。孩子們犯些小錯(cuò)的時(shí)候，我就會(huì)盡量用這樣的話來安慰他們鬼贱。這種時(shí)候孩子僅僅需要一點(diǎn)引導(dǎo)就夠了移怯。

But what about when Children break the rules and don’t listen?

但是，如果孩子們既不遵守規(guī)則又不聽勸導(dǎo)这难，又該怎么做呢舟误？

Children sometimes break rules or don’t listen. Sometimes we realize it’s just a mistake, like my daughter’s playful imitation of a “no biggie”. ?Other times, we are certain the rule breaking or not listening is misbehavior, or even defiance in need of discipline.

孩子們常常會(huì)不遵守規(guī)則或者不聽勸導(dǎo)。有時(shí)候姻乓，我們意識(shí)到這不過是一個(gè)小錯(cuò)嵌溢，就像我女兒調(diào)皮的模仿我說的那樣“沒什么大不了”。而另一些時(shí)候則不然蹋岩，我們明確的知道這種行為是不恰當(dāng)?shù)睦挡荩枰獓?yán)加管教。

A common response in these cases is to search for the best discipline – but what is best isn’t always clear. Just that something should be done… because children “should not get away with breaking the rules!” and “Children need to learn the consequences of their actions.” ?as parents recently shared with me in a workshop.

通常剪个，人們這時(shí)候的反應(yīng)是去找最好的管教方法—然而什么樣的管教最好秧骑？這并不明確。家長(zhǎng)們僅僅是覺得應(yīng)該做點(diǎn)什么扣囊。乎折。。因?yàn)椤叭绻⒆觽儾蛔袷匾?guī)則如暖，那就絕不能輕饒笆檀！”，而且“孩子應(yīng)該為他們自己的行為負(fù)責(zé)盒至，為他們?cè)斐傻暮蠊?fù)責(zé)”酗洒，家長(zhǎng)們最近和我在訓(xùn)練營(yíng)里做了這樣的分享士修。

01

Whatever the response, helping children learn, to accept responsiblity or the value of listening to our guidance is usually the goal. And for that reason, not choosing a punitive approach is important. So that the child will NOT end up feeling worried, confused and misunderstood. Disconnected from the very person that is supposed to offer safety and guidance.

不管應(yīng)對(duì)方法是什么，目的都是要幫助孩子們學(xué)習(xí)承擔(dān)責(zé)任以及聽從我們的教導(dǎo)樱衷。因此棋嘲，更應(yīng)該注意不要采用懲罰的手段。這樣矩桂，受罰的孩子才不會(huì)覺得憂心忡忡沸移、迷惑不解或者覺得自己被誤解了；同時(shí)孩子和家長(zhǎng)的關(guān)系也不會(huì)變的疏遠(yuǎn)侄榴；家長(zhǎng)本該讓孩子有安全感雹锣，并為孩子提供引導(dǎo)。

Guidance Instead Of Punishment

引導(dǎo)而非懲罰

Punishments for breaking rules can lead to a child retaliating or withdrawing (Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline Series). What does that look like? ?It might be a child refusing to eat, delaying bedtime, talking back or otherwise behaving in ways that invite negative attention. Mistakenly we sometimes perpetuate the “not listening/ not cooperating” behaviors precisely because of how we are trying to stop them in the first place. But two negatives when it comes to children and listening is not likely to equal a positive outcome.

對(duì)破壞規(guī)則的孩子采用懲罰的手段可能會(huì)導(dǎo)致孩子性格內(nèi)向或者讓孩子出現(xiàn)報(bào)復(fù)性行為（(Jane Nelsen, 正面管教系列）癞蚕。這種情況會(huì)如何表現(xiàn)呢蕊爵？孩子可能會(huì)拒絕吃飯，晚睡桦山，頂嘴或者做些惹人煩的事兒吸引大人的注意力攒射。我們的初衷是讓孩子聆聽教導(dǎo)，學(xué)會(huì)合作恒水，結(jié)果我們錯(cuò)誤的處理方式卻恰恰強(qiáng)化了孩子們的這種行為会放。孩子錯(cuò)誤的行為和家長(zhǎng)錯(cuò)誤的處理方式可不會(huì)起到負(fù)負(fù)得正的效果。

There is magic, and sound reasoning, in taking a calm, kind, inquisitive and understanding approach to helping children when they break rules or don’t listen.

孩子們不聽話的時(shí)候钉凌，我們可以采用一種神奇有效的方法—采用一種平靜咧最、友好、探尋和理解的方法來幫助孩子御雕。

Because a guidance approach opens the door for working together. It creates trust and invites cooperation. It offers children a chance to understand themselves and others. ?To reflect on their choices and decisions. It gives you an opportunity to be seen as a safe and trusted source of meaningful information.

使用引導(dǎo)的方法能夠打開共同努力的大門窗市。這種方法讓大人和孩子之間互相信任，并通力合作饮笛。孩子們能有機(jī)會(huì)了解他們自己和他人的想法。對(duì)孩子們的選擇做出反饋也是家長(zhǎng)的一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)论熙。這可以讓孩子們明白福青，家長(zhǎng)既是安全的港灣，也是有效信息的可信賴的源泉脓诡。

My daughter’s playful copycat moment was a powerful reminder of just how much words really imprint and impact our children. If we choose to encourage and help when the stakes are low, we have a better chance of getting through when the stakes are high.

我女兒淘氣的模仿行為无午，強(qiáng)力有的說明了大人對(duì)孩子言傳身教影響有多大。如果我們能在日常小事里經(jīng)常鼓舞和幫助孩子祝谚，那當(dāng)我們面臨真正的困境的時(shí)候宪迟，就能更加得心應(yīng)手的處理危機(jī)。

These Rules Were Made For Breaking (not quite…)

以下規(guī)則用來應(yīng)對(duì)崩潰時(shí)刻（也沒那么嚴(yán)重啦交惯。次泽。穿仪。）

Having rules is important. Particularly rules that keep children safe. ?Adjusting rules to reflect your family values and needs is wise. Knowing your child will test, push and probably break some of these rules is also wise.

制定規(guī)則是重要的。制定安全守則尤為重要意荤。根據(jù)自己家庭的價(jià)值觀和需求來調(diào)整規(guī)則是很明智的啊片。要明白你的孩子會(huì)試探，抵抗甚至?xí)茐囊?guī)則玖像，這一認(rèn)知也是明智的紫谷。

Testing limits is a way of testing independence, and that’s a good thing, even if it makes us want to stick a fork in our heads. It’s exhausting, yes, but it’s a necessary part of creating independent kids. – Jessica Lahey, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

孩子會(huì)不斷挑戰(zhàn)我們的底線，這是一種獨(dú)立性的表現(xiàn)捐寥。盡管這種行為會(huì)讓我們痛苦不堪笤昨，它依然是有益的。雖然這會(huì)讓我們精疲力盡握恳，但是這確是孩子獨(dú)立成長(zhǎng)的必要部分瞒窒。— 摘自Jessica Lahey的 《“不管教”睡互，是更好的管教：聰明父母懂得放手根竿，孩子才會(huì)成功》一書。

Striving to help and guide your child (instead of punishing) when the rules are broken is even wiser. Because it gives children a blue print for solving problems, learning responsibility and it flexes their failure and resiliency muscles.

更明智的是就珠，在孩子不遵守規(guī)則的時(shí)候試著幫助和引導(dǎo)而不是懲罰孩子寇壳。這給孩子們提供了解決問題、承擔(dān)責(zé)任的藍(lán)圖妻怎，并能鍛煉他們的抗挫折能力壳炎。

Focusing on understanding mistakes and misbehavior, ?instead controlling or punishing preserves trust and encourages capability. It also cultivates a cooperative “working with” dynamic that you can use from the toddler years and beyond.

不要試圖控制或者懲罰孩子而是專注于理解他們犯的錯(cuò)，這能讓大人和孩子之間互相信任逼侦，并能鍛煉孩子的能力匿辩。這能營(yíng)造一種你和孩子“并肩作戰(zhàn)”的動(dòng)力，不管是孩子蹣跚學(xué)步的時(shí)候還是以后榛丢，你們都將從中受益铲球。

Discipline really is more effective when it focuses on teaching, understanding and guiding the child, instead of trying to make the child feel bad.

專注于教育、理解與引導(dǎo)而不是讓孩子不自在晰赞，這種管教要更有效稼病。

02

What To Do When Your Child Breaks the Rules & Doesn’t Listen To You

孩子不遵守規(guī)則或不聽從教導(dǎo)時(shí)該怎么做？

1.No Biggies: ?If your child breaks a rule that is small, and it’s really just a mistake or oversight, calmly let them know it’s a “no biggie” moment. ?Follow up with any missing information they may need to not do it again.

1掖鱼，沒什么大不了：如果孩子僅僅是犯了個(gè)小錯(cuò)然走，或者是一時(shí)疏忽，那么戏挡，平靜的告訴孩子這沒什么大不了的芍瑞。但是要告訴孩子他們做錯(cuò)了什么，以防止同樣的錯(cuò)誤再次出現(xiàn)褐墅。

2.Involve and Listen : Ask if your child has ideas how to fix her own mistake. With time, your child may start doing this on her own. (Read an example of a child learning to take responsibility for a big mistake here.)

2拆檬，投入與傾聽：?jiǎn)枂柲愕暮⒆雍榧海惺裁崔k法能彌補(bǔ)他自己犯下的錯(cuò)?假以時(shí)日，孩子自己就會(huì)主動(dòng)去這樣思考秩仆。（給孩子讀一個(gè)承認(rèn)錯(cuò)誤码泛，承擔(dān)責(zé)任的故事）。

3. Do Over: ?Notice an unhelpful behavior? Let your child start over or have a second chance. ?It might sound like “Can you show me a way to pet the dog that is gentle and kind?”,

3澄耍，從頭來過噪珊。發(fā)現(xiàn)孩子做錯(cuò)了事？給孩子重來一次的機(jī)會(huì)齐莲。你可以這樣說：“你能讓我瞧瞧怎樣愛撫狗狗更溫柔和善么痢站？”

4.Stop The Behavior & Listen To the Feelings: ?When you notice your child is behaving in a way that is unhelpful and unnecessary calmly step in to stop the behavior. Then follow up with an opportunity for the child to connect with you and express himself. It might sound like ? “I will not let you hit your brother!” ?Step between the two children. “I’m here for you. Can you tell me what is going on?” ? When we listen to the feelings, we help children learn to self-regulate and make better choices as they grow.

4，制止行為并且傾聽感受：當(dāng)你注意到你的孩子行為失當(dāng)选酗，那么平靜的介入并制止這種行為阵难。然后給孩子機(jī)會(huì)向你訴說他的感受∶⑻睿可以試著這樣做：“你不能打弟弟”呜叫，然后走到兩個(gè)孩子中間去，“我來了殿衰，你可以告訴我是怎么回事么朱庆？”傾聽孩子的感受，能幫助孩子控制自己的情緒與行為闷祥。當(dāng)他們長(zhǎng)大一些的時(shí)候娱颊，他們的表現(xiàn)就能更好。

5.Help WITH vs. doing for: You can offer your child help fixing, cleaning up or mending when needed. ?A doing “with” instead of “fixing for” ?attitude helps transform misbehavior into a teachable moment. Your child can walk away with a sense that not only is she expected to fix her mistakes, that she is capable of doing so as well.

5凯砍，幫他做還是替他做：孩子整理清潔和修理的時(shí)候你可以去幫忙箱硕。“去幫忙”而不是去“替他糾正錯(cuò)誤”悟衩，這種態(tài)度能讓孩子從犯下的錯(cuò)誤中學(xué)習(xí)剧罩。孩子能意識(shí)到，她不僅僅是想要糾正錯(cuò)誤而已座泳，她也有能力糾正自己的錯(cuò)誤斑响。

6.Say NO & Yes when you mean it: ?Set and keep limits that are clear so your child understands what you really expect.

6，明確的表達(dá)“對(duì)”“錯(cuò)”：明確的表達(dá)規(guī)則的底線钳榨，好讓孩子們明白他們?cè)撛趺醋觥?/p>

7.Respect & Encourage: Speak to your child with the same respect and consideration that you hope to hear when she speaks to you, her family, friends and teachers.

7，尊重和鼓勵(lì)：如果你希望孩子能尊重你纽门、你的家人薛耻、朋友和老師的話，那么你也該同樣尊重你的孩子赏陵。

8.Teach then Trust: ?Strive not to lecture or dwell on the broken rules ( You may need to vent to a friend or write it down to let it go). Aim to teach and then move forward, trusting that your child is learning to follow your guidance.

8饼齿，教導(dǎo)與信任：別糾結(jié)在犯的錯(cuò)上（你可能需要找個(gè)朋友或者寫下來傾訴一下）饲漾。專注于教導(dǎo)孩子，并且要向前看缕溉。要相信你的孩子正學(xué)著去跟隨你的引導(dǎo)考传。

03

What if a child keeps breaking the same rules over and over again?

要是孩子總是犯同一個(gè)錯(cuò)怎么辦？

?Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline Series suggests “Take time for training” meaning, be sure your child has had enough time with you to practice and learn what is expected.

《正面管教》的作者Jane Nelsen建議：給孩子一點(diǎn)時(shí)間证鸥。要確保孩子有足夠的時(shí)間來學(xué)習(xí)和練習(xí)來達(dá)到你的期望值僚楞。

?Reflect and reduce the number of rules. Too many rules becomes controlling and constricting. And most children will become quite creative (i.e. lying, breaking more rules) just to not get caught.

慎重制定規(guī)則并且減少規(guī)則的數(shù)量。制定太多的規(guī)則對(duì)孩子控制和約束會(huì)太多枉层。而且大多數(shù)孩子為了讓自己不被抓住會(huì)花樣百出（比如撒謊泉褐，犯更多的錯(cuò)）。

?Reflect if there is a need to adjust expectations and surroundings (house proof, supervise, explain differently) to match your child’s age and development.

慎重考慮是否需要調(diào)整自己的期望值和環(huán)境（房子里的防護(hù)措施鸟蜡，監(jiān)控膜赃，用不同方式解釋）來適應(yīng)孩子的年齡和不同的發(fā)展階段。

Focus on connection: ?Is your child getting plenty of unconditional and positive attention from you?

關(guān)注你和孩子之間的情感紐帶揉忘。孩子能從你那里無條件的得到許多正面的關(guān)注么跳座？

Do you make time to be with your child, to play games, listen to dreams, thoughts and wishes? Do you create special moments together? ?Do you look at your child with love, kindness and care? Do you forgive and even expect imperfections?

你有沒有花時(shí)間和孩子玩游戲，傾聽孩子的夢(mèng)想泣矛、想法和心愿疲眷？你有沒有創(chuàng)造屬于你們的特別時(shí)光？當(dāng)你看著你的孩子的時(shí)候乳蓄，你的眼中是否有愛咪橙，善意和關(guān)懷?你是否能原諒甚至期待孩子有不完美的表現(xiàn)？

Because loving a person means seeing him, really seeing him, above the distractions, the chaos, the mess, and the imperfections. -Rachel Macy Stafford, Hands Free Mama

愛一個(gè)人虚倒，也意味著愛他的混亂與不完美美侦。—摘自 Rachel Macy Stafford的《放手媽媽》

The more your child feels welcomed, understood and encouraged the more she is likely to follow your guidance. ?You don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to come up with complicated behavior charts or schemes either. Simply having a willingness to invest in your relationship, in these early years really makes a huge difference.

你的孩子越是能感覺到你的接納魂奥、理解和鼓勵(lì)就越傾向于跟隨你的引導(dǎo)菠剩。你不需要完美，也不需要去做一些復(fù)雜的行為規(guī)范表耻煤。簡(jiǎn)單來說具壮，你只需要愿意去經(jīng)營(yíng)你們的親子關(guān)系就行。在孩子還小的時(shí)候你做的這些努力真的對(duì)以后的日子影響深遠(yuǎn)哈蝇。

You haven’t failed if your child has been testing limits and pushing boundaries. As you help your child grow, you will have many opportunities to say no, explain rules again (and again), listen to tears, frustrations and fears. Offer hugs, look for the “doing with moments” allow second chances. Pause, involve, remember your child is capable and willing to learn from you.

如果你的孩子還在試探你的底線棺妓，你就還沒失敗。在幫助你的孩子成長(zhǎng)的過程中炮赦，你有很多機(jī)會(huì)說“不行”怜跑，一遍遍的解釋規(guī)則，面對(duì)孩子的眼淚、挫敗感和恐懼感性芬。擁抱你的孩子峡眶，與他們合作，允許孩子從頭來過植锉。暫停片刻辫樱、投入親子時(shí)光，記住俊庇，你的孩子有能力也有意愿從你這里學(xué)到更多狮暑。

Peace & Be Well,

祝好。

Ariadne