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先說本人，加拿大社會科學女博士在讀农猬，未婚，現(xiàn)居溫哥華售淡，中國籍斤葱。我還有個雙胞胎姐姐，她是美國紐約大學醫(yī)學院教授揖闸。姐妹倆雖都在北美揍堕，見面機會卻不多。
兩年前我在交友網(wǎng)站上認識了加拿大籍男友 Rene汤纸，同齡衩茸，本科，網(wǎng)絡游戲程序員贮泞，獨子楞慈。
去年下半年我回中國田野調查幔烛，兩個人遠距離9個月，交往兩年期間囊蓝，關系穩(wěn)定饿悬。上個月我在美國的雙胞胎姐姐打電話來說醫(yī)生建議她立即手術。男友得知姐姐的病情聚霜，立刻幫我查詢機票狡恬，建議我盡快飛到紐約幫姐姐平安度過術后恢復期。
我與Rene 本沒有明確的結婚計劃蝎宇，卻因為他的這番表現(xiàn)弟劲，我突然生出與他長相廝守的念頭來。紐約臨行前姥芥，我花半天時間給 Rene 寫了一封信兔乞，告訴他我對婚姻以及我倆關系的理解，從前我倆也聊過撇眯，我們認為結婚可早可晚报嵌，可有可無，重要的是兩個人彼此坦誠熊榛。
我在寫這封信時不禁深深感嘆锚国，在選擇人生伴侶這件事上，人生經歷對婚戀觀的作用實在是太大了玄坦。我不能想象血筑，如果自己沒有在20來歲時出國留學，沒有過去十幾年來中美兩岸奔波的經歷煎楣，能否全然按照自己的心意選擇結婚對象豺总，或者有不婚的選擇。
附上寫給男友的求婚清單择懂，英文原文加上中文翻譯喻喳，方便大家閱讀。
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A life proposal: Why Rene should consider marrying Bei? 人生提議：Rene為什么要考慮和北結婚困曙？由北起草
Prerequisite Rene和我的共識
Marriage is an option, not a necessity. 結婚是個選項表伦，而非必需。
We’ve already had several rounds of conversation discussing the meaning of marriage. We both agree that marriage is socially structured. It’s for men and women who desire an agreement that will mutually benefit them.
我們倆已經針對婚姻的意義進行過幾輪討論慷丽。我們都意識到婚姻是社會制度的產物蹦哼，是男女雙方出于共同利益達成的協(xié)議。
We choose marriage based on our own decision, rather than what has been suggested or driven by any other person. We will not get married because of social pressure. We are both satisfied as to who we are, what we do, how we feel. We appreciate each other's company. No one will manipulate us because of the decisions we make. In other words, we will continue to enjoy being who we truly are with or without marriage.
我們選擇婚姻是基于自身意愿要糊，而不是受人驅使或脅迫纲熏。我們不會因為社會壓力而結婚。我們倆對自己是什么樣的人、自己所做的事和感受都挺知足局劲。我們感恩對方的陪伴勺拣，沒有人對我們的決定指手畫腳。換言之容握，無論結不結婚宣脉，我們都將繼續(xù)享受現(xiàn)在擁有的一切。
Love is an ingredient of the good romance, but marriage doesn't end there. 愛是浪漫關系的原料剔氏，不過要結婚的話塑猖，光有愛是不夠的。
As a good foundation for our relationship, we fully accept the person we fall in love with. We consider marriage by being consciously honest to ourselves.We don't have an agenda to change the other. Honesty and acceptance is our relationship’s main course, and love is the ingredient that adds flavor to it.
我們兩個人關系的基礎是彼此全然接受對方谈跛。如果我倆選擇結婚羊苟，那是對自身的坦誠。我們沒打算改造對方感憾。自我誠實和接受對方是我們關系的主旋律蜡励，而愛，更像是調味品阻桅，給我們的關系增添情趣凉倚。
We have practical reasons to go forward on a solid marriage plan. 我們有務實的理由啟動結婚計劃。
We are not naive about the practical benefits of getting married. These reasons include, but are not limited to the political, financial, and psychological benefits. We will only consider marriage if we mutually trust each other and are ready to discuss the benefits and the details of getting married.
我們并不否認結婚能給自己帶來切實利益嫂沉，包括政治稽寒、財務和心理上的，但不限于此趟章。當我們信任對方杏糙、準備好討論各種利益和細節(jié)，才會考慮結婚蚓土。
Why Bei is a good candidate for marriage? 為什么應該選北為結婚對象宏侍？
An authentic person: Consistent and caring as core criteria for everyday life. 一個真實的人：表里一致、關心他人蜀漆，這是維持生活日常最重要的性格品質谅河。
Like 90% of women, sometimes I’m a little crazy. My craziness is just the right amount, neither too little to make you bored nor too much where I’d go out of control and burn down the house. My temper level is considerably low-to-medium, and I rely on my close female friends and family as allies.
我跟絕大多數(shù)女人一樣，有時是有點瘋确丢。但這種瘋狂恰到好處绷耍，不至于少到讓人憋悶無聊，又不會多到失控要放火燒掉房子的地步蠕嫁。我的脾氣可算是相當好了锨天，有閨蜜和家人的支持毯盈，總體上情緒穩(wěn)定剃毒。
I don't push anyone to do the things they resist. And very often, I am comfortable with people even they are control freaks to a certain degree. Since we don't plan to have any children, I don't predict a dramatic personality switch for us in our long-term relationship.
我不強人所難。大部分時間里，我跟人相處哪怕遇到控制欲蠻強的人都覺得挺自在赘阀。咱倆說好沒打算生娃益缠，所以從長遠的關系看，我猜自己也不會性格突變基公，歇斯底里幅慌。
Highlyintelligent: Pursuing a self-supported, fulfilling lifestyle that is open to all kinds of possibilities. 智商高：追求一種開放、自立轰豆、自我滿足的生活方式胰伍。
I like to entertain myself by paying attention to ordinary life and writing down my thoughts and observations. I am bold and original, and I allow myself to make mistakes. I don't want to waste my talent on living an ordinary life. I live life on my own terms. For everything I say above, I have you in my mind to pursue this lifestyle.
我沒拿別人的生活標準當回事，我對創(chuàng)造性生命的定義是關注平凡的生活酸休，寫下自己的想法骂租，自我娛樂。我勇敢斑司，有獨立見解渗饮，允許自己犯錯。我不想把我的才能浪費在庸俗的生活狀態(tài)上宿刮。我要過自己的生活互站。談到追求剛才說到的這種生活方式時，我的腦子里全是你僵缺。
I know we already have a lot of things in common: we love to travel, we are not afraid of visiting new places, we love the environment, we love original artwork, and we ARE creative. We don't give a shit about arrogant people, and we don't care about being socially accepted wherever we happen to be. I know you are better than me on this, and I have received great advice from you.
我知道咱倆有很多共同點：喜歡旅行胡桃，不懼怕去陌生的地方，我們熱愛環(huán)境谤饭，都喜歡原創(chuàng)藝術标捺，不走尋常路。我們都對傲慢的人不屑一顧揉抵，咱倆無論到哪亡容，都不大理會服從社會規(guī)訓。我知道你在這方面比我強冤今，也從你那里得到過很棒的忠告闺兢。
You’re such a nerd, and I’m so un-Chinese. Let’s be frank about these things and create a fulfilling us-land with a sense of purpose. I’m willing to support you, so you can achieve your dreams and will stand by your side as you pursue them.
你真是個書呆子，我呢戏罢，也不算是典型的中國人屋谭。對于這一點，咱倆就坦率地承認吧龟糕，我們應該過一種原創(chuàng)的生命體驗桐磁，那是一種賦予意義的、飽滿真誠的生活讲岁。我愿意全力支持你我擂，幫你實現(xiàn)你的夢想衬以，在逐夢路上我們并肩作戰(zhàn)！
Willing to improve myself? 樂于完善自我
I am a Ph.D. candidate. I like to solve problems using the scientific method. I could draft a proposal using the Paper App, or dig into the scientific literature of sexual behavior. I want to make our life less boring and more creative. I am happy to conduct experiments, survey questionnaires, interviews, and observations in order to know you better. The purpose for doing so is to bring an unexpected joy to you.
我是博士生校摩，也愛運用科學解決問題看峻。撰寫這篇求婚清單，我就嘗試用一款名為Paper的文案應用軟件衙吩，還有當咱倆在xoxo方面有分歧時互妓，我還搜索了性行為研究的權威學術文獻，而不是從日本動作片上尋找答案坤塞。我不想讓咱生活得像白開水冯勉，而是充滿了創(chuàng)造力。為了更好的了解你摹芙，我愿意調動實驗珠闰、調查、訪談和科學觀察等種種科研手段瘫辩，讓你總有意料之外的快樂和驚喜伏嗜。
I know that a 9-5 job isn't your first choice. I appreciate it when you do the things on your to-do list, rather than on your favorite things list. However, I hope to live a more meaningful life with you by helping you do more things on your favorite things list. Together, we will add to that list.
我也知道你不喜歡朝九晚五。所以當你主動自我犧牲伐厌，去做那些所謂應該做而你未必愛做的事時承绸，我心里面是相當領情，感激你的挣轨。不過你放心军熏，我會支持你去做那些讓你心潮澎湃有熱情的事，跟你過更有意義的生活卷扮。為了這個目標荡澎，咱倆一起努力！
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幾天前晤锹，我和姐姐聊到中美文化在女性審美方面的差異摩幔。從外形上，中國人偏愛白弱美鞭铆，年齡不超過25-27的未婚女性是人們普遍認可的理想結婚對象或衡，不少中國男性把小龍女當成夢中情人。而北美則沒有“女神標配”车遂，各族群封断、年齡段、高矮胖瘦都有美人舶担，各花入個眼坡疼。
另外，在談及一對男女的匹配度時衣陶，中國人更強調家庭背景和個人條件上“門當戶對”柄瑰，而美國人則比較看重兩個人在價值觀废岂、生活方式上是否協(xié)調。從我個人的社交圈子看狱意，在選擇人生伴侶時，女方只要身體健碩拯欧、懂得感恩详囤、思想獨立、有蓬勃生機镐作，無論到哪都絕對加分藏姐。所以我認為前段時間網(wǎng)上傳播的北京相親角鄙視鏈，只不過代表了目前國內大眾婚戀市場的取向该贾。
女博士和女強人不被看好羔杨，甚至被認為是婚戀市場的底層人群，說到底杨蛋，是因為社會的進步跟不上女性進步的步伐兜材，大眾審美還不夠多元。
高知女性群體——包括高智商逞力、高學歷曙寡、30歲以上和高收入的女性的偏見標簽比比皆是。比如說寇荧，當她們和男性同樣在正當表述個人主見時举庶，一旦占了上風，就會被認為是女魔頭揩抡。在科研領域户侥，和同齡男性相比，女碩士很少在畢業(yè)后選擇繼續(xù)從事更高領域的科研崗位峦嗤，早早放棄學術生命蕊唐。
我的父母在教導我們兩姐妹時，甚至也說到東方美人之所以在男性眼中比西方現(xiàn)代女性的性魅力更勝一籌烁设，那是因為在私生活方面更加含蓄順從刃泌，而不是挑逗熱烈。潔身自好這個詞署尤，在中國話里可以用來罵人的耙替，一旦有人當著你的面說這個詞，就暗示你違反了某種秘而不宣的行為準則曹体。然而在西方發(fā)達國家語境下俗扇，公開對女性發(fā)表類似的道德評論，弄不好要被對方訴訟性侵犯或人身攻擊箕别。
所以铜幽，我把寫給男友的信公開滞谢，想盡綿薄之力，提醒每一個有獨立意識的中國人：高知女性并不是一個孤立的群體除抛。你身為其中的一份子狮杨，或許在生活中受到各種不公待遇，但沒必要自降身價去跟大眾智商找平到忽。
年輕和不太年輕的女生們橄教，請珍惜自己的學識，與志同道合者同行喘漏。精神上的自由來之不易护蝶，我們不要放棄。
