17
這是我和我公公婆婆的第一次正面沖突亩鬼。后來也發(fā)生了類似的沖突，但從來都沒有變成一種公然的鄙視烘挫。在接下來的幾天里诀艰，他們試圖通過各種方法向我表示，假如我只考慮自己的生活饮六，我應該把黛黛和艾爾莎交給他們來撫養(yǎng)其垄。
That was the first clash with my in-laws.
? Others followed, though they never reached such explicit contempt. Later my
? in-laws confined themselves to demonstrating in every possible way that, if I
? insisted on being concerned with myself above all, I had to entrust Dede and
? Elsa to them.
當然，我不同意卤橄。我沒有一天不是在憤怒中度過绿满，沒有一天不想著把我的兩個女兒帶走，去佛羅倫薩窟扑、米蘭喇颁、那不勒斯漏健，去任何地方，而不是待在那個家里橘霎。但我很快就放棄了蔫浆，我推遲帶她們離開的日子，因為總是會發(fā)生一些事情姐叁，跟我的想法作對瓦盛。比如說，尼諾打電話給我外潜，我沒辦法拒絕原环，我總是去他說的地方找他。還有处窥，我的那本新書在意大利也掀起了一股小小的浪潮嘱吗，盡管那些大報紙都沒有談?wù)撍€是贏得了一批讀者碧库。因此柜与，我要參加一些讀者見面會，再加上要和情人見面嵌灰，都讓我不得不和兩個孩子分開。
I resisted, naturally: there was not a
? day that I didn’t get angry and decide to take my children away with me
? immediately, to Florence, to Milan, to Naples—anywhere, just so as not to
? leave them in that house a moment longer. But soon I would give in, put off
? my departure; something always happened that bore witness against me. Nino,
? for example, telephoned and, unable to refuse, I rushed to meet him wherever
? he wanted. And then in Italy, too, the new book had begun to make a small
? wave, and, although it was ignored by the reviewers of the big papers, it was
? nevertheless finding an audience. So often I added encounters with readers to
? the meetings with my lover, which extended the time that I was away from the
? children.
我很難和她們分開颅悉，我能感受到她們審判的目光沽瞭，我很痛苦。盡管如此剩瓶，但我一坐上火車驹溃，當我學習時，當我準備公眾討論時延曙，當我想象著馬上要和尼諾會面時豌鹤，我都會感覺有一種快樂在我內(nèi)心沸騰。我很快發(fā)現(xiàn)自己逐漸適應了同時感受到幸福和不幸枝缔，就好像這是我新生活的一種常態(tài)布疙。當我回到熱內(nèi)亞队魏，我會感到很愧疚切威，黛黛和艾爾莎已經(jīng)很習慣那里的生活了抖所，她們都開始上學了宗兼，而且有自己的玩伴和所有她們需要的東西涌哲，她們已經(jīng)完全獨立于我了碴开。但我一離開桥嗤，那種愧疚感就會變?nèi)踝傻蹋闪艘环N輕微的不適发钝。這兩種情緒的波動讓我覺得自己很卑微顿涣，我意識到這一點波闹，我不得不承認，對于尼諾的愛涛碑，他的光輝會使黛黛和艾爾莎黯然失色舔痪，這對我來說是一件很屈辱的事。雖然如此锌唾，莉拉的那句話還回響在我耳邊：“你要想想锄码，你會給你兩個女兒帶來多大的傷害！”在這個階段晌涕，我一想起這句話滋捶，就會陷入一種不愉快的情緒里。我出去旅行余黎，居無定所重窟，經(jīng)常晚上睡不著覺。我想起了我母親對我的詛咒惧财，她的話和莉拉的話混合在一起巡扇。對于我來說，我的母親和我的朋友莉拉垮衷，她們一直都是兩個截然相反的存在厅翔，但在那些無法入睡的夜晚，她們常常會站在一條戰(zhàn)線上搀突。我感覺她們對我充滿敵意刀闷，她們不贊同我的新生活。從另一個方面仰迁，我覺得這說明我終于成了一個獨立的人甸昏，但我要一個人面對那些困難，我感到很孤單徐许。
I separated from them unwillingly. I felt
? their accusing gaze on me, and I suffered. And yet already in the train, as I
? studied, as I prepared for some public discussion, as I imagined my meeting
? with Nino, an impudent joy began to bubble up inside me. I soon discovered
? that I was getting used to being happy and unhappy at the same time, as if
? that were the new, inevitable law of my life. When I returned to Genoa I felt
? guilty—Dede and Elsa were now comfortable, they had school, friends,
? everything they wanted, independently of me—but as soon as I left the guilt
? became a tedious obstacle; it weakened. I realized this, naturally, and the
? alternation made me wretched. It was humiliating to have to admit that a
? little fame, and love for Nino, could obscure Dede and Elsa. And yet it was
? so. The echo of Lila’s phrase, Think of the harm you’re doing to your
? daughters, became in that period a sort of permanent epigraph that introduced
? unhappiness. I traveled, I was often in a new bed, often I couldn’t sleep. My
? mother’s curses returned to mind, and were mixed up with Lila’s words. She
? and my friend, although they had always been, for me, the opposite of one
? another, in those nights often came together. Both were hostile, estranged
? from my new life: on the one hand this seemed the proof that I had finally
? become an autonomous person; on the other it made me feel alone, at the mercy
? of my troubles.
我試著和我的大姑子建立聯(lián)系施蜜。她像往常一樣熱情，她在米蘭的一家書店組織了一場讀者見面會來推廣我的新書雌隅，來的大部分都是女性翻默。對于我的那本書，他們要么非常贊賞澄步，要么提出了尖銳批評冰蘑。因為有幾個人的姿態(tài)和我完全不同，剛開始我非常害怕村缸，但馬麗婭羅莎用一種充滿權(quán)威的語氣說了幾句祠肥，我意外地發(fā)現(xiàn)，她能以一個協(xié)調(diào)者的身份出現(xiàn)，能協(xié)調(diào)贊同方和反對方的觀點仇箱。她會采用這樣的措辭：“這不是格雷科女士想說的……”最后我贏得了大家的掌聲县恕，尤其是她的。
I tried to repair relations with my
? sister-in-law. As usual she showed herself to be very willing, and organized
? an event in honor of my book at a bookstore in Milan. Most of those who came
? were women, and I was now much criticized, now much praised by opposing
? groups. At first I was frightened, but Mariarosa interceded with authority
? and I discovered in myself an unsuspected capacity to summarize disagreement
? and agreement, choosing in the meantime a role as mediator. I was good at
? saying in a convincing way: That isn’t exactly what I meant. In the end I was
? celebrated by everyone, especially by her.
晚飯之后剂桥，我去她家住忠烛。我在她家里看到了弗朗科，也看到了西爾維亞和她兒子米爾科——我算了一下权逗，他應該有八歲了美尸，我把他長得像尼諾的地方都記了下來，甚至是一些和尼諾很像的性格特征斟薇。我從來都沒有對尼諾說過师坎，我認識這個孩子，我決定永遠都不提這件事堪滨。但整個晚上胯陋，我一直都在和他說話，和他玩兒袱箱，我讓他坐在我的膝蓋上遏乔，寵愛他。在我們混亂的生活之中发笔，我們自身有多少碎片會崩裂開盟萨，這些小孩就像是我們迸裂掉落的碎片。在米蘭有這個孩子筐咧，在熱內(nèi)亞是我的兩個女兒鸯旁，在那不勒斯是阿爾伯特。我忍不住和西爾維亞量蕊、馬麗婭羅莎、弗朗科談到了這些散落在四處的孩子艇挨，我分析這些事兒残炮，表現(xiàn)得很客觀冷靜。實際上缩滨，我可能期待著势就，我的前男友能用他通常的方式，說出一些鞭辟入里的話脉漏，用他犀利的語言陳述現(xiàn)在苞冯，展望未來，讓我們理清思緒侧巨。但是舅锄，他是整個晚上最讓我吃驚的人。他說司忱，歷史的這一頁快要翻過去了皇忿，從客觀上來說——他說“客觀”這個詞時畴蹭，語氣里充滿了諷刺——革命的一季現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)日薄西山了，而且會把曾經(jīng)作為風向標的階層全部抹去鳍烁。
Afterward I had dinner and stayed at her
? house. I found Franco there, I found Silvia with her son Mirko. The whole
? time, all I did was observe the child—I calculated that he must be eight—and
? register the physical resemblances to Nino, and even resemblances in
? personality. I had never told him that I knew about that child and had
? decided that I never would, but all evening I talked to him, cuddled him,
? played with him, held him on my lap. In what disorder we lived, how many
? fragments of ourselves were scattered, as if to live were to explode into
? splinters. In Milan, there was this child, in Genoa my daughters, in Naples
? Albertino. I couldn’t restrain myself, I began talking about that dispersion
? with Silvia, with Mariarosa, with Franco, assuming the attitude of a
? disillusioned thinker. In reality I expected that my former boyfriend would,
? as usual, take over the conversation and arrange everything according to a
? skillful dialectic that settled the present and anticipated the future,
? reassuring us. But he was the true surprise of the evening. He spoke of the
? imminent end of a period that had been objectively—he used the adverb
? sarcastically—revolutionary but that now, he said, was declining, was
? sweeping away all the categories that had served as a compass.
“我不覺得叨襟。”我提出了反對幔荒，但只是為了挑釁他糊闽，“在意大利，一切都很活躍爹梁，充滿了斗爭精神右犹。”
“I don’t think so,” I objected, but only
? to provoke him. “In Italy things are very lively and combative.”
“你不覺得卫键，那是因為你對自己很滿意傀履。”
“You don’t think so because you’re
? pleased with yourself.”
“才不是莉炉，我很抑郁钓账。”
“Not at all, I’m depressed.”
“那些抑郁的人不會寫書絮宁，那些幸福的人梆暮、旅行的人、戀愛的人才會寫書绍昂，他們說呀說啦粹，說呀說，他們確信自己說的話都會派上用場窘游∵胪郑”
“The depressed don’t write books. People
? who are happy write, people who travel, are in love, and talk and talk with
? the conviction that, one way or another, their words always go to the right
? place.”
“是這樣嗎？”
“Isn’t that how it is?”
“是的忍饰，那些話真的會派上用場贪嫂，但只是在很短的時間里，其余時候艾蓝，只需要隨便說說力崇，信口開河，就像現(xiàn)在赢织，要么假裝一切在自己的控制之下亮靴。”
“No, words rarely go to the right place,
? and if they do, it’s only for a very brief time. Otherwise they’re useful for
? speaking nonsense, as now. Or for pretending that everything is under
? control.”
“假裝于置？你是一直都掌控著一切茧吊，還是在假裝？”
“Pretending? You who have always kept
? everything under control, you were pretending?”
“為什么不呢？假裝一下很正常饱狂。我們想搞革命曹步，就搞了革命，我們在混亂之中休讳，也發(fā)明了一種秩序讲婚，我們假裝知道事情朝著哪個方向發(fā)展】∪幔”
“Why not? It’s unavoidable to pretend a
? little. We who wanted to enact the revolution were the ones who, even in the
? midst of chaos, were always inventing an order and pretending to know exactly
? how things were going.”
“你是在做自我批評嗎筹麸？”
“You’re accusing yourself?”
“是呀，文采很好雏婶，句法也說得通物赶，前后也很連貫，出現(xiàn)這個狀況有前因也有后果留晚，對所有人都有一個交代酵紫，事兒就成了〈砦”
“Yes. Good grammar, good syntax. An
? explanation ready for everything. And such great skill in logic: this derives
? from that and leads necessarily to that. The game is over.”
“這行不通了嗎奖地？”
“It doesn’t work anymore?”
“哦，行得通赋焕，特別行得通参歹。面對任何事情，從來都不會迷失隆判，沒有任何感染的傷口犬庇，縫合的地方也沒有留下傷疤，沒有任何讓你害怕的小黑屋侨嘀，這真是讓人感到安慰俺敉臁！只是忽然間咬腕，這個伎倆已經(jīng)不管用了埋哟。”
“Oh, it works very well. It’s so
? comfortable never to be confused by anything. No infected bedsores, no wound
? without its stitches, no dark room that frightens you. Only that at a certain
? point the trick no longer functions.”
“也就是說郎汪？”
“Meaning what?”
“萊農(nóng)，叨叨叨闯狱，叨叨叨煞赢，意義已經(jīng)脫離語言了『骞拢”
“Blah blah blah, Lena, blah blah blah.
? The meaning is leaving the words.”
但他還沒說完照筑，他又圍繞著這句話說了很多，都是自嘲或諷刺我的話。他嘀咕了一句：“我說了多少傻話凝危〔ǘ恚”然后就沉默下來，聽我們?nèi)齻€人說蛾默。
And he didn’t stop there. He mocked what
? he had just said, making fun of himself and of me. Then he said: What a lot
? of nonsense I’m talking, and he spent the rest of the evening listening to
? the three of us.
讓我震動的是懦铺，假如西爾維亞遭受暴力的痕跡已經(jīng)徹底消退，弗朗科幾年前遭受的毆打支鸡，讓他的另一個身體和精神逐漸暴露出來了冬念。他不停起身去廁所，他有點兒跛牧挣，但不是很明顯急前，他發(fā)紅的眼眶里裝著一只義眼，看起來要比另一只眼睛更兇瀑构，他的一個眼睛是活的裆针，但因為抑郁而變得灰暗。尤其是寺晌，受傷前的那個充滿能量世吨、讓人欣賞的弗朗科消失了，康復期的那個陰郁溫柔的弗朗科也消失了折剃。我感覺他現(xiàn)在是一個憂傷另假、溫和的人，有一點憤世嫉俗怕犁。關(guān)于我要接回我的女兒的事边篮，西爾維亞說了她的看法。馬麗婭羅莎說奏甫，沒找到一個徹底的安置方案之前戈轿，黛黛和艾爾莎最好還是爺爺奶奶待在一起。這時候弗朗科贊美了我的決心阵子，他用一種滿是諷刺的語氣說思杯，我不用考慮女性的那些義務(wù)，我要接著努力挠进，增強我男性的一面色乾。
It struck me that if in Silvia the
? terrible marks of violence had completely disappeared, in him the beating
? suffered several years earlier had gradually exposed another body and another
? spirit. He got up often to go to the bathroom; he limped, though not
? conspicuously; the purple socket, in which the false eye was clumsily set,
? seemed more combative than the other eye, which, although it was alive,
? seemed opaque with depression. Above all, both the pleasantly energetic
? Franco of long ago and the shadowy Franco of convalescence had disappeared.
? He seemed gently melancholy, capable of an affectionate cynicism. While
? Silvia said that I should take my daughters back, and Mariarosa said that, as
? long as I hadn’t found a stable arrangement, Dede and Elsa were fine with
? their grandparents, Franco exaggerated his praise of my capacities,
? ironically defined as male, and insisted that I should continue to refine
? them without getting lost in female obligations.
回到房間后，我很難入睡领突。怎么做才是對我女兒好暖璧，怎樣會不好？我的好君旦，我的不好澎办，都體現(xiàn)在哪里呢嘲碱？怎樣才能把好和不好融合在一起，或者說分開呢局蚀？那個夜晚麦锯，尼諾成了次要的事情，莉拉又浮現(xiàn)在我的腦海琅绅，只有莉拉扶欣，沒有我母親。我感覺到我需要和她吵架奉件，我要對著她叫喊：不要老是想著批評我宵蛀，你要替我想想，告訴我應該怎么做县貌。第二天术陶，我回到了熱內(nèi)亞，我當著公公婆婆的面煤痕，毫無過渡就對黛黛和艾爾莎說：
When I went to my room I had trouble
? falling asleep. What was bad for my children, what was their good? And bad
? for me, and my good, what did those consist of, and did they correspond to or
? diverge from what was bad and good for the children? That night Nino faded
? into the background, Lila reemerged. Lila alone, without the support of my
? mother. I felt the need to argue with her, shout at her: Don’t just criticize
? me, take responsibility, tell me what to do. Finally I slept. The next day I
? returned to Genoa and said point-blank to Dede and Elsa, in the presence of
? my in-laws:
“孩子們梧宫，這個階段我有很多工作。再過幾天摆碉，我又要出發(fā)了塘匣，但我會回來。你們是想和我一起巷帝，還是想和爺爺奶奶在一起忌卤？”
“Girls, I have a lot of work at the
? moment. In a few days I have to leave again and then again and again. Do you
? want to come with me or stay with your grandparents?”
對于這個問題，現(xiàn)在我寫到這里時楞泼，我還是感到很羞愧驰徊。
Even today as I write that question I’m
? ashamed.
先是黛黛，然后是艾爾莎堕阔，她們回答說：
First Dede and then, right afterward,
? Elsa answered:
“我們要和爺爺奶奶在一起棍厂。但如果可以的話，你要來看我們超陆，給我們帶一些禮物牺弹。”
“With Grandma and Grandpa. But come back
? whenever you can and bring us presents.”
18
有兩年多時間时呀，我都是這樣度過的：充滿著快樂张漂、痛苦、意外谨娜，還有折磨人心的等待鹃锈。后來，我逐漸理順了我的生活瞧预。雖然我的私生活經(jīng)歷了種種痛苦和折磨屎债，在同時，我的公眾生活卻很幸運垢油。我寫的那不到一百頁的小書盆驹，我最初將它寫出來只是為了討得尼諾的歡心，這本書后來也被翻譯成了德語和英語滩愁。在法國和意大利躯喇，我十年前寫的第一本書也開始重新再版，我又開始給報紙和雜志寫文章硝枉。我的名字廉丽，還有我這個人逐漸獲得一定的知名度，報紙上頻繁地出現(xiàn)我的名字妻味，就像過去一樣正压，我引起了一些人的好奇，有時候是欣賞责球，這些人都是那時候公眾生活的代表人物焦履。米蘭出版社的那個主編向來對我很熱情，我從他那里聽到了一句閑話雏逾，讓我信心倍增嘉裤。有一天，我們一起吃晚飯栖博，要談?wù)撐业臅某霭媸乱诵汲瑁坏貌徽f，當時我還把尼諾寫的一本雜文集推薦給他仇让。他對我說典奉，阿黛爾給他施壓了，那是上個圣誕節(jié)前的事情了妹孙，她想阻止我的書在意大利出版秋柄。
It took me more than two years, filled
? with joys, torments, nasty surprises, and agonizing mediations, to put some
? order into my life. Meanwhile, although I was privately suffering, publicly I
? continued to be successful. The scant hundred pages I had written to make a
? good impression on Nino were translated into German and English. My book of
? ten years earlier reappeared in both France and Italy, and I began writing
? again for newspapers and journals. My name and my physical person gradually
? reacquired their modest fame, the days became crowded, as they had been in
? the past, I gained the interest, and at times the respect, of people who at
? the time were well known on the public stage. But what helped my
? self-confidence was some gossip from the director of the Milan publishing
? house, who had liked me from the start. One evening when I was having dinner
? with him to talk about my publishing future, but also—I have to say—to
? propose a collection of Nino’s essays, he revealed that, the preceding
? Christmas, Adele had pressured him to block the publication of my book.
“艾羅塔家的人，”他開玩笑說蠢正，“他們已經(jīng)習慣了在吃早飯時推薦一個副部長骇笔，晚飯時撤掉一個部長，但他們拿你的書沒辦法嚣崭，你的書當時已經(jīng)送到印刷廠了笨触。”
He said, jokingly, “The Airotas are used
? to plotting the rise of an undersecretary at breakfast and deposing a
? minister at dinner, but with your book they didn’t succeed. The volume was
? ready and we sent it to the printer.”
剛開始雹舀，我的書在意大利報紙上沒有引起什么評論芦劣，按照他的看法，這也是我婆婆在其中作梗说榆。結(jié)果媒惕，那本書獲得了成功录粱，并不是因為艾羅塔太太改變了想法洁奈，而是因為我的文字的力量。這樣一來偏塞，我覺得現(xiàn)在我不欠阿黛爾什么，每次我去熱內(nèi)亞邦鲫，她都要強調(diào)自己的影響力灸叼，編輯的話給了我自信，讓我變得很自豪庆捺，最后我覺得古今，我依賴艾羅塔家的日子已經(jīng)結(jié)束了。
According to him, my mother-in-law was
? also behind the meager number of reviews in the Italian press. As a result,
? if the book had nevertheless made a name for itself, certainly the credit
? should go not to kind second thoughts from Dottoressa Airota but to the force
? of my writing. Thus I learned that this time I owed nothing to Adele,
? although she continued to tell me I did whenever I went to Genoa. That gave
? me confidence, made me proud, I was finally convinced that the period of my
? dependence was over.
莉拉絕對不會意識到這些滔以，她在城區(qū)的最深處捉腥，對現(xiàn)在的我來說，那地方就是一口痰那么大醉者，她繼續(xù)覺得我是她的附庸但狭。她從彼得羅那里要了熱內(nèi)亞的電話，把電話打到我公公婆婆家里撬即，根本不考慮這會讓他們很煩立磁。接到她的電話時，我心不在焉剥槐，她假裝對此不在乎唱歧，她一直說個不停，把兩個人的話都說了粒竖。她談到了恩佐颅崩，她的工作，她兒子在學校里學習很好蕊苗，還說到了卡門和安東尼奧沿后。她打電話沒找到我時，還會堅持再打過來朽砰，就像有強迫癥尖滚。阿黛爾在一個本子上記著我的所有來電，就我所知瞧柔，上面記錄了某月某日漆弄，薩拉托雷（三個電話），賽魯羅（九個電話）造锅。阿黛爾會抱怨說這些電話讓她很煩撼唾。我試著說服莉拉，假如他們說我不在哥蔚，就不要老打電話了倒谷，因為熱內(nèi)亞的家不是我的蛛蒙，這會讓我很尷尬，但沒用恨锚，尼諾也開始打這個電話宇驾。很難說清楚我和尼諾的真實情況：他處境尷尬，長話短說猴伶，很擔心說錯什么話，會讓我生氣塌西。剛開始他挎，他跟我說，莉拉給埃利奧諾拉家里打了好幾個電話捡需，這讓后者很生氣办桨。我得知，莉拉還往多莫大街上那棟房子站辉，也就是尼諾現(xiàn)在住的地方打電話呢撞，最后他不得不找到莉拉的號碼，讓她不要一直給他妻子打電話饰剥。事情的結(jié)果是殊霞，莉拉逼著他見面，但不是單獨見面——尼諾馬上澄清說汰蓉，她是和卡門一起來的——因為卡門有急事要跟我講绷蹲。
Lila didn’t notice at all. She, from the
? depths of the neighborhood, from that area that now seemed to me
? infinitesimal, continued to consider me an appendage of hers. From Pietro she
? got the telephone number in Genoa, and she began to use it without worrying
? about annoying my in-laws. When she managed to reach me she pretended not to
? notice my terseness and talked for both of us, without pause. She talked
? about Enzo, about work, about her son, who was doing well in school, about
? Carmen, about Antonio. When I wasn’t there, she persisted in telephoning,
? with neurotic perseverance, enabling Adele—who wrote in a notebook the calls
? that came for me, putting down, I don’t know, such and such month, such and
? such day, Sarratore (three calls), Cerullo (nine calls)—to complain about the
? nuisance I caused. I tried to convince Lila that if they said I wasn’t there
? it was pointless to insist, that the house in Genoa wasn’t my house, and that
? she was embarrassing me. Useless. She went so far as to call Nino. It’s hard
? to say how things really went: he was embarrassed, he made light of it, he
? was afraid of saying something that would irritate me. Early on he told me
? that Lila had telephoned Eleonora’s house repeatedly, angering her, then I
? gathered that she had tried to get him on the phone at Via Duomo directly,
? finally that he himself had hastened to track her down to prevent her from
? constantly telephoning his wife. Whatever had happened, the fact was that
? Lila had forced him to meet her. Not alone, however: Nino was immediately
? eager to explain that she had come with Carmen, since it was Carmen—mainly
? Carmen—who urgently needed to get in touch with me.
我聽著尼諾給我講他們見面的情景，內(nèi)心很平靜顾孽。尼諾說祝钢，莉拉想知道我在公眾場合講我的書時的細節(jié)：我穿什么衣服，梳什么樣的發(fā)型若厚，怎么化妝拦英，是不是很害羞，我講得是不是很有趣测秸，我是念稿子還是即興發(fā)言疤估。其他事情，她都一個字都沒說乞封，都是卡門說的做裙。后來尼諾發(fā)現(xiàn)，她們那么著急聯(lián)系我肃晚，是因為帕斯卡萊的緣故锚贱。卡門通過自己的渠道得知娜迪亞·加利亞尼已經(jīng)去了國外关串，在一個安全的地方生活拧廊，因此她想請求我的幫助监徘，讓我聯(lián)系我的中學老師，打聽一下帕斯卡萊是否也安全了吧碾』丝卡門感嘆了幾次：“我不希望，那些有錢人家的孩子都沒事兒了倦春，我哥哥卻在劫難逃户敬。”卡門讓尼諾把這些事兒都告訴我睁本，就好像她對于帕斯卡萊的擔憂尿庐，擔心他成為被追捕的罪犯，這事兒我也脫不開干系呢堰。假如我想幫助她抄瑟，我不能通過電話，不能打電話給加利亞尼老師枉疼，也不能打給她皮假，因為電話可能會受到監(jiān)聽。最后骂维，尼諾總結(jié)說：“卡門和莉娜都有些糊里糊涂的惹资，你最好別管這事兒，她們可能會給你惹麻煩的席舍〔冀危”
I listened to the account of the meeting
? without emotion. First, Lila had wanted to know in detail how I behaved in
? public when I talked about my books: what dress I wore, how I did my hair and
? my makeup, if I was shy, if I was entertaining, if I read, if I improvised.
? Otherwise she was silent, she had left the field to Carmen. So it turned out
? that all that eagerness to talk to me had to do with Pasquale. Through her
? own channels, Carmen had found out that Nadia Galiani had fled to safety
? abroad, and so she wanted to ask a favor again, that I get in touch with my
? high-school teacher to ask her if Pasquale, too, was safe. Carmen had
? exclaimed a couple of times: I don’t want the children of the rich people to
? get out and not the ones like my brother. Then she had urged him to let me
? know—as if she herself considered her worry about Pasquale to be an
? indictable crime that could involve me, too—that if I wanted to help her I
? shouldn’t use the telephone either to get in touch with the professor or to
? get in touch with her. Nino concluded: Both Carmen and Lina are imprudent,
? better to let it go, they can get you in trouble.
我想，幾個月前来颤，即使是卡門在場汰扭，尼諾和莉拉見面也會讓我很警惕，現(xiàn)在我發(fā)現(xiàn)福铅，對這些我已經(jīng)無所謂了萝毛。很明顯，我已經(jīng)確信尼諾對我的愛滑黔，不能排除莉拉還想把他從我手上搶走的可能笆包，但我覺得她不可能得逞。我撫摸著尼諾的面孔略荡，用開玩笑的語氣對他說：“拜托了庵佣，你自己不要陷入麻煩就好！你從來都沒有一刻空閑汛兜，這次巴粪，你是怎么騰出時間和她們見面的？”
I thought that, a few months earlier, an
? encounter between Nino and Lila, even in the presence of Carmen, would have
? alarmed me. Now I was discovering instead that it left me indifferent.
? Evidently I was now so sure of Nino’s love that, although I couldn’t rule out
? that she wanted to take him away from me, it seemed impossible that she could
? succeed. I caressed his cheek, I said, amused, Don’t you get into trouble,
? please: How is it that you never have a free moment and now you found the
? time for this?
19
在那個階段，我第一次感覺到肛根，莉拉給自己劃定的活動范圍多么小辫塌，多么不容跨越，這讓我也覺得很震撼派哲。她越來越不關(guān)注發(fā)生在城區(qū)之外的事情臼氨，她的興趣范圍僅限于城區(qū)，還有那些發(fā)生在童年就認識的人身上的事兒芭届。就我所知储矩，甚至是工作，她的活動范圍也很窄褂乍。因為工作的緣故椰苟，恩佐有時候會去米蘭、都靈树叽，莉拉從來都不挪窩。我自己越來越熱衷于旅行谦絮，她的自我封閉讓我覺得很奇怪题诵。
I noted for the first time, during that
? period, the rigidity of the perimeter that Lila had established for herself.
? She was less and less interested in what happened outside the neighborhood.
? If she became excited by something whose dimensions were not merely local, it
? was because it concerned people she had known since childhood. Even her work,
? as far as I knew, interested her only within a very narrow radius. Enzo
? occasionally had to spend time in Milan, or Turin. Not Lila, she had never
? moved, and I only began to notice that closing off of herself seriously when
? my own taste for travel intensified.
在那個階段，我利用一切機會離開意大利层皱，尤其是能和尼諾一起同行的時候性锭。比如說，當?shù)聡患倚〕霭嫔绯霭媪宋业臅信郑谖鞯潞蛫W地利組織了一個巡回推廣草冈，尼諾放下了所有工作和我一起出發(fā)了，給我當司機瓮增，他非常愉快怎棱，也很配合。我們一起旅行了十五天绷跑，從南到北拳恋，從東到西，窗外油畫一樣的風景砸捏，從我們眼前掠過谬运。那些湖光山色、所有的城市和古跡都成了我們在一起的美好見證垦藏，都為我們的幸福增添了光彩梆暖。甚至是我們遇到的一些糟糕處境——因為我們在一些非常極端的讀者面前說了一些挑釁的話——當時我們很害怕，但事后談起來掂骏，就像那是一種愉悅的經(jīng)歷轰驳。
I took every possible opportunity to
? travel outside of Italy, at the time, especially if it was possible to do so
? with Nino. For example, when the small German publisher who had brought out
? my little book organized a promotional tour in West Germany and Austria, Nino
? canceled all his engagements and acted as my cheerful and obedient driver. We
? travelled all over for some two weeks, gliding from one landscape to the next
? as if beside paintings with dazzling colors. Every mountain or lake or city
? or monument entered our life as a couple only to become part of the pleasure
? of being there, at that moment, and it always seemed like a refined
? contribution to our happiness. Even when rude reality intervened and
? frightened us because it corresponded to the darkest words that I uttered
? night after night in front of radical audiences, we recounted the fear to
? each other afterward as if it had been a pleasant adventure.
有一天晚上，我們開著汽車正要回賓館，警察攔住了我們滑废。在黑暗中蝗肪，那些身穿制服的人手上拿著武器，口中說出的德語蠕趁，無論是在我還是尼諾聽來都覺得很邪惡薛闪。那些警察把我們從車里拉出來，把我們倆分開了俺陋，我上了一輛響著警笛的車豁延，尼諾上了另一輛。我們被關(guān)在一個小房間里腊状，好像被遺忘在那里诱咏，但后來我們受到了審問：證件、到德國的原因缴挖，還有我們的工作袋狞。一面墻壁上貼著一組照片，照片里都是一些陰沉的臉：有很多留胡子的男性映屋，還有短頭發(fā)的女性苟鸯。我非常不安地在照片里尋找帕斯卡萊和娜迪亞的面孔，但沒看到他們棚点。我們到黎明時才被釋放早处，警察把我們帶到了汽車那里，沒有人向我們道歉：我們的車牌是意大利的瘫析，我們是意大利人砌梆，檢查是必須的。
One night when we were driving back to
? the hotel, the police stopped us. The German language, in the dark, in the
? mouths of men in uniform, guns in hand, sounded, both to my ear and to
? Nino’s, sinister. The police pulled us out of the car, and separated us; I
? ended up, yelling, in one car, Nino in another. We were reunited in a small
? room, left to ourselves, then brutally questioned: documents, reason for our
? stay, job. On one wall there was a long row of photos: grim faces, mostly
? bearded, some women with short hair. I surprised myself by looking anxiously
? for the faces of Pasquale and Nadia; I didn’t find them. We were released at
? dawn, returned to the place where we had been forced to leave our car. No one
? apologized: we had an Italian license plate, we were Italians, the check was
? obligatory.
在德國贬循，我不由自主在被全世界通緝的那些罪犯的照片里咸包，尋找莉拉非常在意的一個人，這讓我自己也覺得意外甘有。那天晚上诉儒，我覺得帕斯卡萊·佩盧索像一個沖天炮，是從莉拉盤踞的那個小天地里發(fā)射出來落進我的世界里——一個更寬廣的世界亏掀，她是想提醒我忱反，她現(xiàn)在也卷入了這樁全球性事件的漩渦里。有那么幾秒鐘温算，卡門的哥哥成了她越來越小的世界和我的越來越大的世界的接觸點间影。
I was surprised by my instinct to seek in
? Germany, among the mug shots of criminals all over the world, that of the
? very person who was then close to Lila’s heart. Pasquale Peluso, that night,
? seemed to me a sort of rocket launched from the narrow space in which Lila
? had enclosed herself to remind me, in my much broader space, of her presence
? in the whirlwind of planetary events. For a few seconds Carmen’s brother
? became the point of contact between her diminishing world and my expanding
? world.
在我談?wù)撐业臅囊雇恚谀切┪腋揪筒皇煜さ男〕鞘校P(guān)于政治氣氛的嚴肅問題越來越少了裙顽，我總是用一些泛泛的話宣谈，圍繞著“壓迫”這個詞發(fā)表看法愈犹。作為一個小說家闻丑，我覺得自己應該充滿想象力嗦嗡。我說侥祭，沒有任何地方可以避免壓迫矮冬。一臺巨大的壓路機欢伏，正在從西到東一直輾軋過來硝拧，會在整個世界建立一種新秩序障陶，會改變現(xiàn)狀：工人賣命工作抱究，失業(yè)的人無精打采鼓寺，挨餓的人虛弱憔悴妈候，知識分子夸夸其談苦银，黑人被稱為黑鬼幔虏，女人雌伏著想括。所有這一切會得到改變。但有時候叭首，我覺得有必要說一些真實焙格、真誠的事兒——我自己經(jīng)歷的事情眷唉，我講了帕斯卡萊冬阳，還有他的悲劇性轉(zhuǎn)折肝陪，從他童年的經(jīng)歷氯窍，到他選擇走上犯罪道路狼讨。我說不出更具體的話政供，我采用的詞匯是我十年前就掌握的，我覺得那些詞匯只有在和我們城區(qū)發(fā)生的事聯(lián)系在一起時才會充滿涵義执泰，剩下的全是一些精心構(gòu)造的句子渡蜻，只是為了打動人心排苍。之前淘衙，在我講自己的第一本書時彤守，無論如何我都會提到“革命”這個詞具垫，就好像這是一個大家都認同的詞筝蚕，但現(xiàn)在我避免使用這個詞洲胖。尼諾覺得這個詞太簡單绿映、太天真绘梦，從他身上，我了解到政治是一件非常復雜的事兒颖御，我要更慎重潘拱。我重新調(diào)整了自己的表達方式，在說到“革命”時禽最，我會說“反抗是正義的”川无，很快我會補充說懦趋，反抗需要獲得認同和支持仅叫，這種狀態(tài)會比我們想象的持續(xù)時間更長笙隙，我們需要學會管理一個國家逃沿。這些夜晚結(jié)束時凯亮，我并不是每次都很高興假消，很滿意。尼諾坐在那些烏煙瘴氣的大廳里啃沪，坐在那些和我年紀相仿或者比我年輕的外國女人中間聽我講创千。有時候追驴，為了讓尼諾高興，我降低了語調(diào)丙曙，但有時候我會忍不住很夸張河泳，暗自沉溺于一種當年促使我和彼得羅吵架的莫名沖動拆挥，這種情況主要發(fā)生在我的聽眾是那些看過我的書的女人惰瓜，她們期望我說出犀利的話時崎坊。我會說奈揍，我們要小心，不要把自己變成警察蛾绎，只有在我們徹底贏了之后租冠，戰(zhàn)爭才會結(jié)束，要流盡最后一滴血進行斗爭镜粤。在會后，尼諾會開我玩笑归园，他說我總是會夸大其詞捻浦，我們會一起笑起來朱灿。
On the evenings when I talked about my
? book in foreign cities I knew nothing about, there was a host of questions on
? the harshness of the political climate, and I got by with generic phrases
? that in essence rotated around the word “repress.” As a fiction writer, I
? felt obliged to be imaginative. No space is spared, I said. A steamroller is
? moving from land to land, from West to East, to put the whole planet in
? order: the workers to work, the unemployed to waste away, the starving to
? perish, the intellectuals to speak nonsense, blacks to be black, women to be
? women. But at times I felt the need to say something truer, genuine, my own,
? and I told the story of Pasquale in all its tragic stages, from childhood to
? the choice of a clandestine life. I didn’t know how to make more concrete
? speeches, the vocabulary was what I had appropriated ten years earlier, and I
? felt that the words had meaning only when I connected them to certain facts
? of the neighborhood, for it was only old, worn-out material, of certain
? effect. What’s more, if at the time of my first book I had sooner or later
? ended by appealing to revolution, as that seemed to be the general feeling,
? now I avoided the word: Nino had begun to find it na?ve; from him I was
? learning the complexity of politics and I was more cautious. I resorted,
? rather, to the formula to rebel is just, and immediately afterward added that
? it was necessary to broaden the consensus, that the state would last longer
? than we had imagined, that it was urgent to learn to govern. I wasn’t always
? satisfied with myself on those evenings. In some cases it seemed to me that I
? lowered my tone only to make Nino happy, as he sat listening to me in smoky
? rooms, among beautiful foreigners who were my age or younger. Often I
? couldn’t resist and I overdid it, indulging the old obscure impulse that in
? the past had pushed me to argue with Pietro. It happened mainly when I had an
? audience of women who had read my book and expected cutting remarks. We must
? be careful not to become policemen of ourselves, I said then, the struggle is
? to the last drop of blood and will end only when we win. Nino teased me
? afterward, he said that I always had to exaggerate, and we laughed together.
有的夜晚缀去，我偎依在他身邊缕碎，想向他表白凡怎，講清楚自己的想法统倒。我坦白說檐薯，我喜歡那些極端的詞匯，那些控訴不同黨派之間的勾結(jié)赚楚，控訴國家暴力的話宠页。我說：“你所想的政治，政治的本質(zhì)讓我很厭煩俭嘁，你去搞政治吧拐云，我干不了這個叉瘩∞泵澹”不過，再三考慮后蓬痒，我覺得梧奢，我也不適合自己之前不得不做的一件事兒，就是拉扯著兩個孩子出現(xiàn)在游行隊伍里惦蚊。游行隊伍里的叫喊和威脅讓我很害怕，那些暴力的少數(shù)派莉掂、武裝力量憎妙、路上的尸體，以及反對一切的革命仇恨抚垃，都讓我感到害怕讯柔。我坦白說，在公共場合講話捣炬，我不知道自己是誰，對我說的話也不是很確信推溃，我不知道自己是不是真的那么想铁坎。
Some nights I curled up next to him and
? tried to explain myself to myself. I confessed that I liked subversive words,
? words that denounced the compromises of the parties and the violence of the
? state. Politics—I said—politics the way you think about it, as it certainly
? is, bores me, I leave it to you, I’m not made for that sort of engagement.
? But then I had second thoughts and added that I didn’t feel cut out, either,
? for the other sort of engagement that I had forced myself into in the past,
? dragging the children along with me. The threatening shouts of the
? demonstrators frightened me, as did the aggressive fringes, the armed gangs,
? the dead on the streets, the revolutionary hatred of everything. I have to
? speak in public, I confessed, and I don’t know what I am, I don’t know to
? what point I seriously believe what I say.
現(xiàn)在，和尼諾在一起朴乖，我可以推心置腹买羞，說出內(nèi)心最秘密的情感，包括那些對自己也不愿意說的事情漠嵌，即我的怯懦，我的言行不一约炎。他那么自信堅定圾浅，對任何事情都有非常細致入微的看法狸捕，我感覺自己像是在童年混亂的反抗上貼了一個標簽做祝，好像只是用工整的字跡寫著很得體的話混槐，給自己臉上貼金。有一次捌刮，我們?nèi)チ瞬┞迥醽啞覀內(nèi)ブС忠粋€主張城市自由生活的反抗組織——我們不斷遇到警察的盤查陌宿，一路上被攔下了五次：警察的武器都對準我們锥咸，我們被要求從汽車里出來，亮出證件，被迫對著墻站著萎津。那時候我很害怕，要比在德國經(jīng)歷的那次更害怕：這是我的國家颈渊，這是我的語言雾家，我想沉默，想按照他們說的來，但我很惱火鬼佣，我開始嚷嚷。在自己沒有意識到的情況下，我開始用方言叫喊锹漱，對著那些警察破口大罵，因為他們對我推推搡搡嗅辣，毫無禮貌。我內(nèi)心充滿了憤怒和恐懼蛙奖，通常我沒辦法控制這兩種情緒。但尼諾一直都保持平靜伯顶，他和警察開玩笑灶体，讓他們不要生氣，讓我也平靜下來樟结。對于他來說精算，只有我們倆在一起是最重要的瓢宦。他對我說：“你要記住，現(xiàn)在我們在一起灰羽，其他一切都只是背景驮履×溃”
Now, with Nino, I seemed able to put into
? words the most secret feelings, even things I didn’t say to myself, even the
? incongruities, the acts of cowardice. He was so sure of himself, solid, he
? had detailed opinions about everything. I felt as if I had pasted onto the
? chaotic rebellion of childhood neat cards bearing phrases suited to making a
? good impression. At a conference in Bologna—we were part of a determined
? exodus headed to the city of freedom—we ran into constant police checks, and
? were stopped at least five times. Weapons leveled against us, out of the car,
? documents, there against the wall. I was frightened, at the time, even more
? than in Germany: it was my land, it was my language, I became anxious, I
? wanted to be silent, to obey, and instead I began to shout, I slipped into
? dialect without realizing it, I unloaded insults at the police for pushing me
? rudely. Fear and rage were mixed up, and often I couldn’t control either one.
? Nino instead remained calm, he joked with the policemen, humored them, calmed
? me. For him only the two of us counted. Remember that we’re here, now,
? together, he said, the rest is background and will change.
20
那些年玫镐，我們的生活一直都沒有安定過。我們想出面參與怠噪、觀察恐似、研究、理解傍念、分析蹂喻、作證，尤其是相愛捂寿。警察無情的鳴笛口四、檢查站、直升機螺旋槳的聲音秦陋、被殺死的人蔓彩，都是我們在一起的時間線上的一些標志。幾個星期驳概，幾個月赤嚼，第一年，然后是一年半顺又，總是從佛羅倫薩的那個夜里更卒，我進到尼諾的房間開始算起。我們說稚照，從那時候起蹂空，生活才剛剛開始俯萌，我們稱之為“真正的生活”，即使每天面對可怕的場景上枕，那種神奇的感覺也沒有散去咐熙。
We were always moving, in those years. We
? wanted to be present, observe, study, understand, argue, bear witness, and
? most of all love each other. The wailing police sirens, the checkpoints, the
? crack of helicopter blades, the murdered—all were paving stones on which we
? marked the time of our relationship, the weeks, the months, the first year,
? and then a year and a half, starting from the night when, in the house in
? Florence, I had gone to Nino in his room. It was then that—we said to each
? other—our true life had begun. And what we called true life was that
? impression of miraculous splendor that never abandoned us even when everyday
? horrors took the stage.
阿爾多·莫羅被綁架之后的那幾天，我們在羅馬辨萍。尼諾在羅馬推廣他在那不勒斯的一位同事寫的一本關(guān)于南方政治地理的書棋恼，我去和他團聚。關(guān)于那本書锈玉，大家都沒說什么爪飘，但在場的人一直在討論天主教民主黨主席被綁架的事情。有一部分聽眾開始騷動拉背，我非常害怕师崎，這時候尼諾說，正是莫羅政府給國家抹黑去团，暴露出了國家最糟糕的一面，給“紅色旅”恐怖集團的誕生創(chuàng)造了條件穷蛹，當時他掩蓋對他的政黨不利的一些事實土陪，放過了那些腐敗分子，而是把天主教民主黨等同于國家肴熏，讓自己的政黨免于所有懲罰和起訴鬼雀。他最后總結(jié)說，要捍衛(wèi)國家機構(gòu)蛙吏，并不需要暗箱操作源哩，而是要使一切變得透明，不回避任何事情鸦做，也需要提高效率励烦，使正義能夠得到伸張，人們的良心是無愧的泼诱。我看到坛掠，尼諾的臉色越來越蒼白，一有機會治筒，我就把他拉開了屉栓。我們藏身于愛情，就像那是一道刀槍不入的盔甲耸袜。
We were in Rome in the days following the
? kidnapping of Aldo Moro. I had joined Nino, who was to discuss a book by a
? Neapolitan colleague on southern politics and geography. Very little was said
? about the volume, while there was a lot of argument about Moro, the head of
? the Christian Democrats. Part of the audience rose up, scaring me, when Nino
? said it was Moro himself who threw mud at the state, who embodied its worst
? aspects, who created the conditions for the birth of the Red Brigades, and
? thus obscured uncomfortable truths about his corrupt party, and indeed
? identified it with the state to avoid every accusation and every punishment.
? Even when he concluded that defending the institutions meant not hiding their
? misdeeds but making them transparent, without omissions, efficient, capable
? of justice in every nerve center, the people didn’t calm down, and insults
? flew. I saw Nino turn pale, and I dragged him away as soon as possible. We
? took refuge in us as if in shining armor.
那段時間友多，我們基本上都是這種狀態(tài)。后來又有一次堤框，我也遇到了麻煩域滥，有一天晚上在費拉拉纵柿，當時阿爾多·莫羅的尸體已經(jīng)被找到了一個月了。我不小心說漏嘴骗绕，我說藐窄，那些綁架他的人都是兇手。我的那些聽眾希望我斟酌用詞酬土，按照極左派的措辭來講話荆忍，我一直都很小心，但通常我都會變得很激動撤缴，我會說出一些不經(jīng)過大腦過濾的話刹枉。“兇手”這個詞屈呕，對于在場的聽眾來說很刺耳微宝。“法西斯才是兇手虎眨！”他們是這樣批評蟋软、攻擊和嘲笑我的。我不說話了嗽桩，忽然間失去人們的支持和認同岳守，我是多么難受啊碌冶！我失去了信心湿痢，感覺自己又回到了出發(fā)點，我感覺自己是一個小女人扑庞，在政治上我很無能譬重，對于這類事情最好不要開口。有一段時間罐氨，我盡量避免在公眾場合出現(xiàn)臀规。假如殺死了一個人，那殺人的人不是兇手嗎栅隐？那天晚上不歡而散以现，尼諾幾乎要和一個坐在大廳后面的人打起來了。但是约啊，在那種情況下邑遏，最重要的是我們倆是一心的。事情就是這樣：假如我們倆在一起恰矩，沒有任何批評能傷害到我們记盒，我們反倒會變得很驕傲，我們的觀點是最重要的外傅，其他事情都沒有意義纪吮。我們一起去吃飯俩檬，享受美食、紅酒和性愛碾盟，我們只想緊緊擁抱在一起棚辽。
The times had that rhythm. Things went
? badly for me, too, one evening, in Ferrara. Moro’s body had been found a
? little more than a month earlier and I let slip a description of his
? kidnappers as murderers. It was always difficult with words, my audience required
? that I calibrate them according to the current usage of the radical left, and
? I was very careful. But often I would get excited and then I made
? pronouncements with no filter. “Murderers” did not sit well with that
? audience—the fascists are the murderers—and I was attacked, criticized,
? jeered. I was silent. How I suffered in situations where approval suddenly
? vanished: I lost confidence, I felt dragged down to my origins, I felt
? politically incapable, I felt I was a woman who would have been better off
? not opening her mouth, and for a while I avoided every occasion of public
? confrontation. If one murders someone, is one not a murderer? The evening
? ended unpleasantly, Nino nearly came to blows with someone at the back of the
? room. But even in that situation only the return to the two of us counted.
? That’s how it was: if we were together, there was no critic who could truly
? touch us; in fact we became arrogant, nothing else made sense except our
? opinions. We hurried to dinner, to good food, wine, sex. We wanted only to
? hold each other, cling to each other.
21
一九七八年年末，第一盆涼水迎面澆了下來冰肴，當然是莉拉對我潑的涼水屈藐。從十月中旬起發(fā)生了一系列讓我很難受的事兒，到莉拉那里達到了最高峰熙尉。第一件事情是联逻，一天彼得羅從大學下班回家的路上，被幾個男孩子打了检痰。紅頭發(fā)包归？黑頭發(fā)？沒人知道铅歼。他們蒙著臉公壤，手里拿著棒子。我急忙跑到醫(yī)院去看他椎椰，我確信他會比往常更消沉厦幅。但是，盡管他的頭被包著俭识，一只眼睛烏青慨削，但他很愉快洞渔。他很和氣地接待了我套媚，很快就忘記了我的存在，他和幾個學生聊得熱火朝天磁椒，在這些學生里有一個很漂亮的女生堤瘤。后來大部分學生走了，那個女生坐在他的床邊上浆熔，拉著他的一只手本辐。她身上穿著一件白色的高領(lǐng)T恤，一條藍色的迷你裙医增，黑發(fā)一直垂到腰上慎皱。我對她很客氣，問了她的學習情況叶骨。她說茫多，再考兩門，她就可以畢業(yè)了忽刽，但她已經(jīng)開始寫論文了天揖，寫的是古羅馬詩人卡圖魯斯夺欲。她很出色，彼得羅這么贊揚她說今膊。她的名字叫多莉婭娜些阅，我離開時，她一直握著彼得羅的手斑唬，幫他整理枕頭市埋。
The first cold shower arrived at the end
? of 1978, from Lila, naturally. It was the end of a series of unpleasant
? events that began in mid-October, when Pietro, returning from the university,
? was openly attacked by a couple of kids—reds, blackshirts, who knew
? anymore—armed with clubs. I hurried to the hospital, convinced that I would
? find him more depressed than ever. Instead, in spite of his bandaged head and
? a black eye, he was cheerful. He greeted me with a conciliatory tone, then he
? forgot about me and talked the whole time with some of his students, among
? whom a very pretty girl was conspicuous. When most of them left, she sat next
? to him, on the edge of the bed, and took one of his hands. She wore a white
? turtleneck sweater and a blue miniskirt, and her brown hair hung down her
? back. I was polite, I asked her about her studies. She said she had two more
? exams before getting her degree, but she was already working on her thesis,
? on Catullus. She’s very good, Pietro praised her. Her name was Doriana and
? the whole time we were in the ward she only let go of his hand to rearrange
? the pillows.
當天晚上，在佛羅倫薩家里赖钞，我婆婆帶著黛黛和艾爾莎出現(xiàn)了腰素。我跟她提到了那個姑娘，她很滿意地微笑了雪营，她知道兒子的新戀情弓千。她說：“你離開他了，還指望著什么献起？”第二天洋访，我們一起去了醫(yī)院。黛黛和艾爾莎馬上就被多莉婭娜的手鐲和項鏈吸引了過去谴餐，基本沒有專注她們的父親和我姻政，一直在院子里和多莉婭娜還有她們的奶奶玩兒。我想岂嗓，現(xiàn)在開始了一個新階段汁展，我和彼得羅很小心地相互試探。在他被打之前厌殉，他去看孩子的次數(shù)已經(jīng)減少了很多食绿，現(xiàn)在我明白是為什么了。我問了那個女生的情況公罕，他用自己的方式談到了那個姑娘器紧，語氣充滿了深情。我問：“她會和你一起生活嗎楼眷？”他說铲汪，這還為時尚早，他還不知道罐柳，但有可能會的掌腰。我說：“我們要談?wù)労⒆拥膯栴}≌偶”他表示同意齿梁。
That night, in the house in Florence, my
? mother-in-law appeared with Dede and Elsa. I talked to her about the girl,
? she smiled with satisfaction, she knew about her son’s relationship. She
? said: You left him, what did you expect. The next day we all went together to
? the hospital. Dede and Elsa were immediately charmed by Doriana, by her
? necklaces and bracelets. They paid little attention to either their father or
? me, they went out to the courtyard to play with her and their grandmother. A
? new phase has begun, I said to myself, and I cautiously tested the ground
? with Pietro. Even before the beating his visits to his daughters had
? decreased, and now I understood why. I asked him about the girl. He talked
? about her as he knew how to do, with devotion. I asked: Will she come to live
? with you? He said that it was too soon, he didn’t know, but yes, maybe so. We
? have to discuss the children, I said. He agreed.
一有機會，我就和阿黛爾說明了這個新情況芦拿，她以為我會抱怨士飒，但我跟她說查邢，現(xiàn)在的情況我覺得很好，我的問題是兩個女兒酵幕。
As soon as possible, I took up this new
? situation with Adele. She must have thought that I wanted to complain but I
? explained that I wasn’t unhappy about it, my problem was the children.
“也就是說扰藕？”她很警惕地問我。
“What do you mean?” she asked, alarmed.
“到目前為止芳撒，出于需要邓深，我把她們都放在你那兒，我想笔刹，彼得羅也需要時間調(diào)整芥备，現(xiàn)在情況發(fā)生了變化，他有了自己的生活舌菜，我也有權(quán)過一種穩(wěn)定的生活萌壳。”
“Until now I’ve left them with you out of
? necessity and because I thought that Pietro needed to resettle himself, but
? now that he has a life of his own things have changed. I, too, have the right
? to some stability.”
“你打算怎么辦日月？”
“And so?”
“我會在那不勒斯租一套房子袱瓮，會和我女兒搬到那里去住“В”
“I’ll take a house in Naples and move
? there with my daughters.”
我們吵得不可開交尺借。她非常愛兩個孩子，不放心把孩子交給我精拟。她說我太專注自己的事兒了燎斩，根本就照顧不過來。她說蜂绎，家里有兩個女孩子栅表，然后讓一個外人——她說的是尼諾，來家里荡碾，這是一件很不慎重的事情谨读。最后局装，她強調(diào)說坛吁，她不會讓兩個孫女在一個像那不勒斯那樣混亂的城市生活。我們吵得很兇铐尚，什么話都說出來了拨脉。
We had a violent quarrel. She was very
? attached to the girls and didn’t trust leaving them to me. She accused me of
? being too self-absorbed to take care of them properly. She insinuated that
? setting up house with a stranger—she meant Nino—when you have two female
? children was a very serious imprudence. Finally she swore that she would
? never allow her grandchildren to grow up in a disorderly city like Naples.
她提到了我母親，她兒子應該跟她講了在佛羅倫薩家里上演的那一幕宣增。
We shouted insults. She brought up my
? mother—her son must have told her about the terrible scene in Florence.
“你出差時會把兩個孩子留給我玫膀，怎么不留給她呢？”
“When you have to go away who will you
? leave them with, her?”
“我想留給誰就留給誰爹脾√迹”
“I’ll leave them with whoever I like.”
“我不希望黛黛和艾爾莎和這些不理性箕昭，經(jīng)常會失控的人接觸〗庠模”
“I don’t want Dede and Elsa to have any
? contact with people who are out of control.”
我回答她說：
I answered:
“這么多年里落竹，我一直覺得，你是我想要的那種母親货抄，但我錯了述召，我母親要比你好得多⌒返兀”
“In all these years I believed that you
? were the mother figure I’d always felt the need for. I was wrong, my mother
? is better than you.”
22
隨后积暖，我對彼得羅提出我要把兩個女兒帶走。很明顯怪与，他很為難夺刑，但為了能多和多莉婭娜待在一起，他愿意作出任何讓步分别。我去那不勒斯和尼諾談這件事情性誉，我不想在電話里談?wù)撨@么重要的事情。他把我?guī)У搅硕嗄飞系哪翘追孔泳ピ樱F(xiàn)在错览，我們通常都是去那里。盡管每次都有一種倉促的感覺煌往，那里破舊的床單讓我有些厭煩倾哺，但我知道他一直住在那里，那是他的家刽脖，見到他很幸福羞海，所以我總是心甘情愿地去找他。我對他說曲管，我已經(jīng)想好了却邓，要和兩個女兒搬回那不勒斯居住。他表現(xiàn)得十分驚喜院水，我們慶祝了一下腊徙，他說要盡快給我們找一套房子，他想承擔找房子的責任檬某。
I subsequently brought up the subject
? again with Pietro, and it became evident that, despite his protests, he would
? agree to whatever arrangement allowed him to be with Doriana as much as
? possible. At that point I went to Naples to talk to Nino; I didn’t want to
? reduce such a delicate moment to a phone call. I stayed in the apartment on
? Via Duomo, as I had often done now. I knew that he was still living there, it
? was his home, and although I always had a sense of temporariness and the
? dirty sheets annoyed me, I was glad to see him and I went there willingly.
? When I told him that I was ready to move, with my daughters, he had a real
? explosion of joy. We celebrated, he promised to find us an apartment as soon
? as possible, he wanted to take on all the inevitable annoyances.
我松了一口氣撬腾，經(jīng)過那么長時間的四處奔波、悲喜交集的生活恢恼，現(xiàn)在是消停的時候了民傻。我有了一點兒錢，彼得羅也會給我孩子的撫養(yǎng)費，而且我正要簽一本報酬豐厚的新書漓踢。除此之外牵署，我終于感覺自己成熟了，地位越來越高喧半，我以新身份回到那不勒斯碟刺，這對我的工作可能會是一個激勵和促進。尤其是薯酝，我要和尼諾生活在一起半沽，和他一起散步，會見他的朋友吴菠，進行交談者填，晚上參加很多文化活動是多么美好的事兒。我想租一套明亮的房子做葵，可以看到大海占哟，這樣兩個女兒就不會懷念熱內(nèi)亞的舒適生活。
I was relieved. After so much running
? around and traveling and pain and pleasure, it was time to settle down. Now I
? had some money, I would get some from Pietro for the children’s maintenance,
? and I was about to sign a favorable contract for a new book. I felt that I
? was finally an adult, with a growing reputation, in a state in which
? returning to Naples could be an exciting risk and fruitful for my work. But
? mainly I wished to live with Nino. How lovely it was to walk with him, meet
? his friends, talk, come home late. I wanted to find a light-filled house,
? with a view of the sea. My daughters mustn’t feel the lack of the comforts of
? Genoa.
我避免給莉拉打電話酿矢，我沒告訴她我的決定榨乎。我很肯定，她一定會強行摻和進來瘫筐，介入我的生活蜜暑，我不希望出現(xiàn)這樣的情況。但我給卡門打了電話策肝，在那些年肛捍，我和她建立了比較穩(wěn)固的關(guān)系。為了讓她高興之众，我和娜迪亞的哥哥阿爾曼多見面了拙毫，我發(fā)現(xiàn)，他現(xiàn)在不僅僅是一個醫(yī)生棺禾，也是無產(chǎn)階級民主黨的一個要人缀蹄。他充滿敬意地接待了我，他贊揚了我最近寫的那本書膘婶，并邀請我去城里的某個地方缺前，和讀者談?wù)撨@本書。他把我拉到了一個有很多人收聽的電臺竣付，那是他自己建立的一個電臺诡延，在一個異常凌亂的地方滞欠，他對我進行了采訪古胆。但是，我打聽他妹妹時，他變得遮遮掩掩逸绎，他把我的詢問稱為“持之以恒的興趣”惹恃。他說，娜迪亞現(xiàn)在很好棺牧，她和母親一起去遠方旅行了巫糙，沒有別的。關(guān)于帕斯卡萊颊乘，他什么都不知道参淹，也不感興趣》η模“像他那樣的人浙值，”阿爾曼多強調(diào)說，“是這偉大政治階段的毀滅者檩小】牛”
I avoided calling Lila and telling her my
? decision. I assumed that she would inevitably get mixed up in my affairs and
? I didn’t want her to. Instead I called Carmen, with whom in the past year I
? had established a good relationship. To please her I had met Nadia’s brother,
? Armando, who—I had discovered—was now, besides a doctor, a prominent member
? of the Proletarian Democracy party. He had treated me with great respect. He
? had praised my last book, insisting that I come and talk about it somewhere
? in the city, had brought me to a popular radio station he had founded; there,
? in the most wretched disorder, he had interviewed me. But as for what he
? ironically called my recurrent curiosity about his sister, he had been
? evasive. He said that Nadia was well, that she had gone on a long trip with
? their mother, and nothing else. About Pasquale he knew nothing nor was he
? interested in knowing: people like him—he had said emphatically—had been the
? ruin of an extraordinary political period.
在卡門跟前，我非常委婉地談到了這次會面规求，很明顯筐付，她還是很難過，那是一種沉重的難過阻肿。這讓我每次去那不勒斯時瓦戚，都會去看她，從她身上丛塌，我能感覺到一種我可以理解的不安伤极。帕斯卡萊是我們的帕斯卡萊，無論他做過什么姨伤，我們都很愛他哨坪，或者說，無論人們認為他做了什么乍楚，我們都愛他当编。關(guān)于他，我的記憶變得支離破碎徒溪，非常模糊：我們在城區(qū)圖書館相遇的那次忿偷，在馬爾蒂里廣場上打架的那次，他開車帶著我去看莉拉的那次臊泌，還有他和娜迪亞出現(xiàn)在佛羅倫薩的家里鲤桥。我對卡門的記憶要更清晰一些，她孩童時代的痛苦——警察抓走她父親的場景渠概，我記得很清楚——現(xiàn)在加上了她對哥哥的憂慮茶凳，她一直在操心著哥哥的命運嫂拴。假如之前我們只是孩童時代的朋友，因為莉拉的緣故贮喧，她成了卡拉奇家的新肉食店的售貨員筒狠，現(xiàn)在她是我很愿意見面、很在意的一個人箱沦。
To Carmen, obviously, I had given a
? toned-down report of that meeting, but she was unhappy just the same. A
? decorous unhappiness, which in the end had led me to see her occasionally
? when I went to Naples. I felt in her an anguish that I understood. Pasquale
? was our Pasquale. We both loved him, whatever he had done or was doing. Of
? him I now had a drifting, fragmentary memory: the time we had been together
? at the neighborhood library, the time of the fight in Piazza dei Martiri, the
? time he had come in the car to take me to Lila, the time he had showed up at
? my house in Florence with Nadia. Carmen on the other hand I felt as more
? consistent. Her suffering as a child—I had a clear memory of her father’s
? arrest—was welded to her suffering for her brother, to the tenacity with
? which she tried to watch over his fate. If she had once been only the
? childhood friend who had ended up behind the counter in the Carraccis’ new
? grocery store thanks to Lila, now she was a person I saw willingly and was
? fond of.
我們在多莫街上的一家酒吧里見面辩恼，那地方很黑，我們坐在對著街道的門邊兒谓形。我跟她詳細說了我的計劃灶伊，我知道，她會告訴莉拉的寒跳。我想谁帕，這也沒什么問題》肱郏卡門穿著黑色的衣服匈挖，滿臉沉重，她一聲不吭地聽我講康愤，中間沒打斷我儡循。我感覺我的一切都很輕浮：我穿的體面衣服征冷、尼諾择膝，還有想生活在一棟漂亮房子里的愿望。最后她看了一下表检激，對我宣布說：
We met in a coffee shop on Via Duomo. The
? place was dark, and we sat near the street door. I told her in detail about
? my plans, I knew she would talk to Lila and I thought: That’s as it should
? be. Carmen, wearing dark colors, with her dark complexion, listened
? attentively and without interrupting. I felt frivolous in my elegant outfit,
? talking about Nino and my desire to live in a nice house. At a certain point
? she looked at the clock, announced:
“莉娜馬上就要過來了肴捉。”
“Lina’s coming.”
我有些不安叔收，我約的是她齿穗，而不是莉拉谱醇。這時候鞋喇，我也看了看手表說：
That made me nervous; I had a date with? her, not with Lila. I looked in turn at the clock, and said,?
“我要走了≈Ｊ玻”
“I have to go.”
“等一下复濒，她過五分鐘就來了脖卖。”
“Wait, five minutes and she’ll be here.”
她滿懷溫情和感激巧颈，說起了我們的朋友莉拉對大家的照顧畦木。莉拉關(guān)心所有人：她父母、她哥哥砸泛，甚至是斯特凡諾十籍。莉拉幫安東尼奧找了一套房子蛆封，她和安東尼奧的德國妻子成了好朋友。莉拉想開一家自己的計算機公司妓雾。莉拉很誠實娶吞、有錢垒迂、慷慨械姻，假如你有困難的話，她就會拿錢出來机断。莉拉會想盡一切辦法來幫助帕斯卡萊楷拳。“啊吏奸，是的欢揖，萊農(nóng)！”她說奋蔚，“你們一直都那么要好她混，那么息息相通，真是太幸運了泊碑，我從小就很嫉妒你們倆坤按。”我感覺馒过，我在她的聲音臭脓、語氣和手勢里，都看到了莉拉對她的影響腹忽。我想到了阿方索来累，我想起來，我當時看到他——一個大男人窘奏，連輪廓都和莉拉相似時的震撼嘹锁。整個城區(qū)都向她看齊，她現(xiàn)在又成了一種風潮了嗎着裹？
She began to speak of her with affection
? and gratitude. Lila took care of her friends. Lila took care of everyone: her
? parents, her brother, even Stefano. Lila had helped Antonio find an apartment
? and had become very friendly with the German woman he had married. Lila
? intended to set up her own computer business. Lila was sincere, she was rich,
? she was generous, if you were in trouble she reached into her purse. Lila was
? ready to help Pasquale in any way. Ah, she said, Lenù, how lucky you two are
? to have always been so close, how I envied you. And I seemed to hear in her
? voice, to recognize in a movement of her hand, the tones, the gestures of our
? friend. I thought again of Alfonso, I remembered my impression that he, a
? male, resembled Lila even in his features. Was the neighborhood settling in
? her, finding its direction?
“我要走了兼耀。”我說求冷。
“I’m going,” I said.
“再等一下瘤运，莉拉要跟你說一件非常重要的事〗程猓”
“Wait a minute, Lila has something
? important to tell you.”
“你告訴我就好了拯坟。”
“You tell me.”
“不韭山，這是她的事兒郁季±淅＃”
“No, it’s up to her.”
我在那兒等著，但我越來越不耐煩了梦裂。最后莉拉終于來了似枕，這次她對于自己的外表很重視，不像在阿米迪歐廣場上那次那么不修邊幅年柠。我發(fā)現(xiàn)凿歼，假如她愿意的話，她會變得非常漂亮冗恨。她感嘆了一句：
I waited, with growing reluctance.
? Finally Lila arrived. This time she had paid much more attention to her looks
? than when I’d seen her in Piazza Amedeo, and I had to acknowledge that, if
? she wanted, she could still be very beautiful. She exclaimed:
“看來你已經(jīng)決定了答憔，要回那不勒斯生活∠颇ǎ”
“So you’ve decided to return to Naples.”
“是的虐拓。”
“Yes.”
“你跟卡門說了傲武，卻不跟我說蓉驹？”
“And you tell Carmen but not me?”
“我知道她會告訴你的【纠”
“I would have told you.”
“你父母知道么态兴？”
“Do your parents know?”
“不知道⊥镣”
“No.”
“埃莉莎呢诗茎？”
“And Elisa?”
“也不知道∠缀梗”
“Not her, either.”
“你母親病了敢订。”
“Your mother’s not well.”
“她怎么了罢吃？”
“What’s wrong?”
“咳嗽楚午，但她不愿意去看醫(yī)生∧蛘校”
“She has a cough, but she won’t go to the
? doctor.”
我坐在凳子上矾柜，有些不安，我又開始看表就谜。
I became restless, I turned to look at
? the clock.
“卡門跟我說怪蔑，你要告訴我一件很重要的事情∩ゼ觯”
“Carmen says you have something important
? to tell me.”
“并不是一件好事兒缆瓣。”
“It’s not a nice thing.”
“說來聽聽虹统」耄”
“Go ahead.”
“我讓安東尼奧跟蹤了尼諾隧甚。”
“I asked Antonio to follow Nino.”
我驚得簡直要跳起來了渡冻。
I jumped.
“怎么個跟蹤法戚扳？”
“Follow in what sense?”
“就是看看他每天都在做什么∽逦牵”
“See what he does.”
“為什么帽借？”
“Why?”
“我是為了你好『羯荩”
“I did it for your own good.”
“這是我自己的事兒宜雀∏衅剑”
“I’ll worry about my own good.”
莉拉看了一眼卡門握础，想獲得她的支持，然后她看著我說：
Lila glanced at Carmen as if to get her
? support, then she turned back to me.
“假如你是這個態(tài)度悴品，那就別說了禀综，我不希望你又生氣√ρ希”
“If you act like that I’ll shut up: I
? don’t want you to feel offended again.”
“我不生氣定枷，你快點兒說〗烨猓”
“I’m not offended, go on.”
她盯著我的眼睛欠窒，用意大利語言簡意賅地說尼諾從來都沒離開他妻子，他還是繼續(xù)和她還有他們的兒子一起生活退子。作為獎賞岖妄，這兩天，他開始在一個非常重要的研究機構(gòu)做頭兒寂祥，這個機構(gòu)是他丈人的銀行贊助的荐虐，他丈人是那家銀行的行長。最后丸凭，她嚴肅地問我：
She looked me straight in the eye and
? revealed, in curt phrases, in Italian, that Nino had never left his wife,
? that he continued to live with her and his son, that as a reward he had been
? named, just recently, the director of an important research institute
? financed by the bank that his father-in-law headed. She concluded gravely:
“你知道這事兒嗎福扬？”
“Did you know?”
我搖了搖頭。
I shook my head.
“不知道惜犀☆醣”
“No.”
“假如你不相信我說的，我們現(xiàn)在可以去找他虽界，你會看到汽烦，在他面前我也會說一樣的話，一字一句都不差浓恳，就像現(xiàn)在我告訴你的刹缝⊥氚担”
“If you don’t believe me let’s go see him
? and I’ll repeat everything to his face, word for word, just as I told you
? now.”
我擺了擺手，就是想讓她明白梢夯，沒這個必要言疗。
I waved a hand to let her know there was
? no need.
“我相信你∷淘遥”我小聲說噪奄，為了回避她的眼睛，我看著門外的街道人乓。
“I believe you,” I whispered, but to
? avoid her eyes I looked out the door, at the street.
這時候勤篮，卡門的聲音聽起來好像從很遠的地方傳來，她說：“假如你們?nèi)フ夷嶂Z色罚，我也要去碰缔，我們?nèi)齻€會把事情說清楚，會讓他無話可說戳护〗鹇眨”我感覺她在輕輕觸碰我的胳膊，就好像為了引起我的關(guān)注腌且。從小梗肝，我們一起在教堂旁邊的小公園里看照片小說，我們對陷于困境的女主角深懷同情铺董。她內(nèi)心一定和那時候一樣堅定巫击，但現(xiàn)在她很嚴肅，那是一種真實的感情精续，不是對一種虛構(gòu)的東西坝锰，而是對真實發(fā)生的事情產(chǎn)生的反應。莉拉一直都很鄙視我們看的那些小書驻右，那時候她坐在我對面什黑，她心里一定是懷著和卡門不一樣的情感。我想象堪夭，她一定感到很滿意愕把，安東尼奧發(fā)現(xiàn)尼諾的虛偽行徑時，他一定也是同樣的感情森爽。我看到莉拉和卡門交換了一下眼神恨豁，就好像她們要做一個決定，那是很漫長的一瞬爬迟。我在卡門的嘴唇上看到了這個字——不橘蜜！同時，她還輕輕地搖了搖頭，呼出來一口氣计福。
Meanwhile from very far away came
? Carmen’s voice saying: If you’re going to Nino I want to come, too; the three
? of us will settle things properly. I felt her lightly touching my arm to get
? my attention. As small girls we had read photo-romances in the garden next to
? the church and had felt the same urge to help the heroine when she was in
? trouble. Now, surely, she had the same feeling of solidarity of those days,
? but with the gravity of today, and it was a genuine feeling, brought on by a
? wrong that was not fictional but real. Lila on the other hand had always
? scorned such reading and there was no doubt that at that moment she was
? sitting across from me with other motives. I imagined that she felt
? satisfied, as Antonio, too, must have been when he discovered Nino’s
? falseness. I saw that she and Carmen exchanged a look, a sort of mute
? consultation, as if to make a decision. It was a long moment. No, I read on
? Carmen’s lips, and that breath was accompanied by an imperceptible shaking of
? her head.
什么不跌捆？
No to what?
莉拉盯著我看，她的嘴半閉著象颖。像通常一樣佩厚，她在我的心上扎了一針，并不是讓我的心臟停下來说订，而是讓它跳得更快抄瓦。她的眼睛瞇著，眉頭緊皺著陶冷，她等著我的反應钙姊。她希望我會叫喊，會哭泣埂伦，會對她說出我內(nèi)心的話煞额。但我輕聲說：
Lila stared at me again, her mouth half
? open. As usual she was taking on the job of sticking a pin in my heart not to
? stop it but to make it beat harder. Her eyes were narrowed, her broad
? forehead wrinkled. She waited for my reaction. She wanted me to scream, weep,
? hand myself over to her. I said softly:
“我不得不走了〕辔荩”
“I really have to go now.”
