本文作者Darlene Lancer
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Attachment style reflects self-esteem
依戀附著類型反應自尊
As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, children develop anattachment stylethat, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant. They?develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “The Dance of Intimacy.” At the extreme ends, some individuals cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain.
Anxiety can lead you to sacrifice your needs and please and accommodate your partner. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. Adding to this, you take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes. Low self-esteem makes you hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently, even when asked not to. By repeated attempts to seek reassurance, you unintentionally push your partner away even further. Both of you end up unhappy.
他們的不安全感漩符，羞恥羞愧心和受損的自尊而產(chǎn)生的結果就是孩子們發(fā)展出一種依戀附著類型，程度是變化的驱还，是焦慮或者有回避的反應嗜暴。就像“親密關系的舞蹈”中所描述的，他們發(fā)展出有焦慮和回避反應的附著類型并在人際關系中表現(xiàn)地好像追求者和測距儀议蟆。在最極端的結果中闷沥，一些個體不能忍受要么獨自一人或者要么太近的關系；任何一個都會產(chǎn)生不可容忍的傷痛咐容。
焦慮會導致你犧牲自己的需求和去取悅和容納適應及供應你的伙伴舆逃。由于基本的不安全感，你會對人際關系斤斤計較并且為你的伙伴而高度協(xié)調戳粒，擔憂他/她想要少一點親密路狮。但是因為你沒有滿足你的需求，你變得不開心享郊。加上這點览祖，你把事情當成個體的事情并且對它有一個消極扭曲的態(tài)度，突出負面的結果炊琉。低自尊使你隱藏你的事實情況以便不成為“興風作浪”的人展蒂，而對真正的親密關系妥協(xié)退讓。你可能也是嫉妒你同伴對于其他人和對于電話或者頻繁的簡訊往來行為的注意力苔咪，即使在被要求不要這樣嫉妒的時候锰悼。用重復的嘗試去尋求安心，你無意的行為把你的同伴推得更遠团赏。你們雙方的關系以不開心而告終箕般。
Avoiders, as the term implies, avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs. This creates tension in the relationship, usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because avoiders are hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit their autonomy in any way, they then distance themselves even more. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.
躲避，就像這個術語暗含著是在保持距離的行為中避開親密和親密行為舔清，就像打情罵俏丝里，制造單邊的決定曲初，成癮，忽視他們的同伴杯聚，或者不予考慮他/她的感受和需求臼婆。這都在關系中創(chuàng)造了緊張的氛圍，通常由焦慮的同伴來表達幌绍。因為躲避是對于他們同伴用任何方式嘗試去控制或者限制他們的自主權的行為的過分警惕颁褂，然后他們會在他們之間有比從前更多的距離。兩個類型都不能對于令人滿意的關系有貢獻傀广。
Communication reveals self-esteem
交流揭示了自尊的狀態(tài)
Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.
不正常的家庭缺乏對于親密關系所需要的良好交流技巧颁独。不僅是它們對于任何人際關系都很重要，而是它們也反映了自尊的狀態(tài)伪冰。它們包含在清晰的表述誓酒，誠實的表述，簡明的表述贮聂，獨斷的表述丰捷，也包含在傾聽的能力中。它們需要你知道并且能夠清晰地交流你的需求寂汇，愿望和感受，包括能夠設置界限的能力捣染。人際關系越親密骄瓣，操練這些交流技巧就變得越來越重要和困難。
Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood. They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness. ?Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.
通乘Ｈ粒互相依賴共存會有過分自信的問題榕栏。與此同時他們否定他們的感受和需求，因為他們在童年時期有被羞辱或者被忽視的事實經(jīng)歷蕾各。為了不使他們的同伴生氣和疏遠榛了，自身受到批評或者在情感上被遺棄势告，他們會同樣會有意識地壓抑他們自己的所想和所感。相反地，他們依靠心靈感應碟嘴，提出問題，照管链沼，責備了讨，說謊，批評钧排，避免問題或者忽視或者控制他們的同伴敦腔。在他們的家庭成長中被見證了不正常的交流而使他們學到這些策略。但是這些行為對他們自身是有問題的并且會導致逐步升級的沖突恨溜，以攻擊符衔，責備找前，撤回為行為特征。人際關系中的墻直立判族，阻止公開躺盛，親密和幸福。有時候一個同伴會向一個第三方的人物尋求親近五嫂，這樣威脅了關系的穩(wěn)定性颗品。
?Darlene Lancer 2016
達琳藍瑟于2016
