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原創(chuàng) Erica Garza
Confronting My Addiction
But for my thirtieth birthday, I decided I wanted more. I wanted this decade to be better than the last. After a series of failed relationships, I attempted to retrace Elizabeth Gilbert's path in Eat, Pray, Love—only I skipped over the eating and praying, eager to get to the loving part.
I traveled to Bali. There, I did everything I could to kick porn out of my life and learn how to connect with other people. I practiced yoga, chanted mantras, read self-help books, meditated, met with medicine men and studied Ayurvedic medicine.
Just as I'd hoped, my habits weakened and I found myself losing interest in binging on porn and isolating from others. I started to open up to a healthier version of myself, curious about those around me and about who I could be outside of my insecurities. And at a yoga studio in the rice fields of Ubud, Bali, I encountered a man I liked so much that I thought I might actually love him one day. That's when this healthier version met its biggest challenge.
面對(duì)我的癮
但是在我三十歲生日那天靶瘸，我許愿我想要得到更多苫亦。我想以后的十年，要比過去過得更好怨咪。在經(jīng)歷了一系列失敗的戀情之后屋剑，我決定嘗試去重游一下伊麗莎白?吉爾伯特之路—美食、祈禱與戀愛—只是我跳過了美食和祈禱部分诗眨，急切的到了戀愛的部分唉匾。
我去巴厘島旅游。在那里匠楚，我竭盡所能得把色情片從我生活中踢出去巍膘，學(xué)著如何與他人交流。我練習(xí)瑜伽油啤，唱頌典徘，讀自我療法的書，冥想益咬，去見了巫師逮诲，研究阿育吠陀醫(yī)學(xué)。
正如我所希望的幽告，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己不再沉溺于色情片梅鹦，開始漸漸接近人群。開啟了一個(gè)全新的生活狀態(tài)冗锁，我開始對(duì)周圍的人感興趣齐唆，這一切讓我開始遠(yuǎn)離那種不安全感。在烏布德冻河，有個(gè)瑜伽工作室箍邮，我在那遇到了一個(gè)男人，我很喜歡他叨叙，甚至我認(rèn)為有一天我會(huì)愛上他锭弊。也就在那時(shí)，全新的我將會(huì)面臨更大的挑戰(zhàn)擂错。
As much as I wanted to love and be loved by someone, the terror I felt was palpable and familiar. So was the chatter in my head: Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll scare him away. Maybe he'll hurt me or I'll hurt him. To shut off these scary feelings, I did what I had always done—brought the laptop into bed with us to serve as a safe barrier.
Only, he wouldn't let the barrier stay up. He noticed the shift in my attention when I searched clips for us to watch. He noticed the distance in my gaze when we made love, how I allowed myself to be touched but not held. He noticed the way I carefully chose my words, afraid to reveal too much about myself. He noticed everything.
就像我想要去愛別人和被別人愛一樣味滞，那種恐懼感又清晰又熟悉。有一個(gè)聲音一直在我腦海中︰?也許我還沒準(zhǔn)備好。也許我會(huì)嚇跑他剑鞍。也許他會(huì)傷害我昨凡，或者我會(huì)傷害他。我努力去斬?cái)噙@些可怕的感覺蚁署，做我通常會(huì)做的事— — 把筆記本電腦帶上床當(dāng)擋箭牌便脊。
可是，他不愿意讓一切這樣下去形用。他注意到我在努力轉(zhuǎn)移注意力就轧。他注意到當(dāng)我們做愛時(shí)，我眼中的距離感田度。他注意到我是如何讓自己不被真正擁有妒御。他注意我總是斟字酌句害怕表露太多自我。他看到了我的一切镇饺。
When I tried to pull away, he pulled me back. He was full of questions and wouldn't let me get away with brushing off the difficult ones.
In a similar path to my history with porn, I made my way through his gentler questions, confessing bit by bit, until we came to a place I'd never been to in any previous relationship, revealing the depths of why I watched the things I watched and how I felt about myself. This time, going deeper and darker was healing. Every time I revealed something upsetting and shameful, I expected him to decide he'd had enough. I was too much. I was too sick. Instead, he revealed his own dark stuff. We grew closer. We eventually got married.
當(dāng)我試圖把他推開時(shí)乎莉，他把我拉回來。他充滿了疑問奸笤，他不愿我用逃避的態(tài)度去擺脫那些痛苦惋啃。
我試圖通過他那些更溫和的問題一點(diǎn)一點(diǎn)去接受自己，直到我們到了一種境域监右，那是我和以前情侶從未達(dá)到的边灭，它讓我看清自己過去為什么會(huì)去看那些東西以及我自己的感受。這回健盒，我內(nèi)心更黑暗更深刻的部分被治愈了绒瘦。
每一次揭露自我內(nèi)心都讓我很痛苦很羞愧，我有太多不好扣癣，我病得非常嚴(yán)重惰帽。我希望他說他受夠了。相反父虑，他把他內(nèi)心黑暗的東西透露給我该酗。
我們的心越來越近。終于士嚎，我們結(jié)婚了呜魄。
未完待續(xù)......
（三：我，我的丈夫和色情片）
任何翻譯都是基于源文本的二次創(chuàng)作
