文丨笑語

麻麻也成長（chenanan2015）原創(chuàng)首發(fā)

轉(zhuǎn)載請聯(lián)系作者

? ? ?

導(dǎo)讀：

陪伴小孩成長的過程中，作為父母的我們都會不可避免地想要去幫小孩清理掉周邊的荊棘忌堂，以確保他們能在無憂無慮的環(huán)境中成長尺铣。同時盡職地履行“陪伴”的責(zé)任拴曲。但陪伴的真正意義是什么呢？（文末給你講個小故事）

?? ? ?

1

You know I didn’t set out to be a parenting expert.

我并不打算成為育兒專家凛忿。

In fact, I’m not very interested in parenting,per se.

事實上我對育兒本身也不感興趣澈灼。

It’s just that there’s a certain style ofparenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances todevelop into themselves.

是因為最近有某種不利于孩子成長的育兒風(fēng)格的出現(xiàn)，而且阻礙了孩子們發(fā)展自己的機會。

There’s certain style of parenting thesedays that’s getting in the way.

某種育兒風(fēng)格的出現(xiàn)正在阻礙著孩子的成長叁熔。

I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lotof time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in thelives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.

各位委乌，我要說的是，我們花了大量時間在關(guān)心那些沒有足夠參與孩子生活中荣回、教育中或者撫養(yǎng)中的父母遭贸。確實，也理應(yīng)如此心软。

But at the other end of spectrum, there’slot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t besuccessful, unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn andhovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering theirkid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

但是從另外一個極端來說壕吹，這樣做會有很多壞處。父母認(rèn)為他們的孩子不會成功删铃，除非有父母在小孩子每次遇到問題和猶豫不決時出面保護(hù)和阻止耳贬，管頭管腳地監(jiān)控每個時刻，掌控著孩子從對大學(xué)社團(tuán)到對職業(yè)的選擇猎唁。

When we raise kidsthis way, and I’ll say we, beause Lord knows, in raising my two tennageers, I’vehad these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklistedchildhood.

當(dāng)我們以這種方式教育小孩效拭，我們就會這樣說，（我為什么這么說）因為上帝知道胖秒，我在培育我的兩個小孩時就曾這種帶入自我的傾向，小孩最終形成了一種清單式的童年慕的。

And here’s what the checklisted childhoodlooks like.

清單式童年是這樣的阎肝。

We keep them safe and sound and fed andwater, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they’rein the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right gradesin the right classes in the right schools.

我們保證孩子們安然無恙和吃飽喝足，然后我們想要確保他們上好學(xué)校肮街，在那所學(xué)校上到好的班級风题，在好學(xué)校的好班級獲得好成績。

Not just the grades and scores, but theaccolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

不僅僅是成績和分?jǐn)?shù)嫉父，而且更多是在運動沛硅，領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力方面獲得的表揚和獎項。

We tell our kids, don’t just join a club,stat a club, because colleges want to see that.

我們告訴我們的孩子绕辖，不要加入俱樂部摇肌，自己創(chuàng)建一個俱樂部，因為大學(xué)想要看到這個仪际。

And check the box for community service. Imean, show the colleges you care about others.

并且围小，檢查你的信箱里關(guān)于社區(qū)服務(wù)的信息。我的意思是树碱，展示給大學(xué)看：你（除了學(xué)業(yè)外）還關(guān)心別的肯适。

And all of this is done to some hoped-fordegree of perfection.

所有這些，都是為了達(dá)到某種完美程度的期望值成榜。

We expect our kids to perform at a level ofperfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so muchis required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with everyteacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid’s conciergeand personal handler and secretary.

我們期待我們的孩子表現(xiàn)出一定程度的完美框舔，因為我們認(rèn)為這樣做太必要了。但我們從未要求自己去做到。我們曾與每一位老師刘绣、校長樱溉、教練、裁判員理論過额港，表現(xiàn)得像是小孩的看門人饺窿，私人管家和秘書。

And then with our kids, our precious kids,we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging asthe case may be, to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, notruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of collegesthat deny almost every applicant.

當(dāng)跟我們最愛的小孩在一起時移斩，我們花大量時間在某些事情上催促肚医、哄騙、暗示向瓷、幫助肠套、爭論、嘮叨猖任。以確保他們不會搞砸了你稚、或者不關(guān)門、或者毀了他們的未來朱躺。以確保他們進(jìn)入期望中的刁赖，幾乎拒絕每位申請人的，只有極少數(shù)人能夠申請進(jìn)入的大學(xué)长搀。

And here’s what if feels like to be a kidin this checklisted childhood.

2

以下就是過著清單式童年的小孩的感受宇弛。

First of all, there’s no time for freeplay.

首先是，沒有時間自由玩耍

There’s no room in the afternoons, because everythinghas to be enriching, we think.

下午沒有多余的時間源请，因為每件事都需要很充實枪芒。

It’s as if every piece of homework, everyquiz, every activity is a make-or-break for this future we have in mind forthem, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolvethem of getting enough sleep as long as they’re checking off the items on theirchecklist.

就好像每一份作業(yè)，每一次課堂小考谁尸，每項活動舅踪，在我們的腦海中，對他們的未來來說良蛮，都是不成則敗的抽碌。我們不用他們在家里幫忙，甚至我們允許他們有充足的睡眠决瞳，只要他們完成了他們清單上的事情咬展。

And in the checklisted childhood, we say wejust want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we askabout all too often first is their homework and their grades.

對于清單式的童年，我們說我們只想他們快樂瞒斩，但是當(dāng)他們從學(xué)衅破牛回家，我們第一時間都是問他們的功課和成績胸囱。

And they see in our faces that ourapproval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A’S.

他們從我們的臉上看到認(rèn)可和愛祷舀，拿到A時是非常有價值的。

And then we walk alongside them and offerclucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster dog show—coaxing them to justjump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.

于是我們走在他們身邊，給予他們咯咯的表揚裳扯，像西敏市犬展里的訓(xùn)練員一樣抛丽，哄他們跳得更高和飛得更遠(yuǎn)。

And when they got to high school, they don’tsay,” well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?”

當(dāng)他們上了高中饰豺，他們不會說：“好吧亿鲜，要是我對學(xué)習(xí)或者做某些事情感興趣呢？”

They go to counselors and they say,” whatdo I need to do to get into the right college?”

他們會找到顧問并說冤吨，要上到好的大學(xué)我需要做點什么呢蒿柳？

And then, when the grades start to roll inin high school, and they’re getting some B’S, or God forbid some C’s, theyfrantically text their friends and say,” Has anyone ever gotten into the rightcollege with these grades”

然后，當(dāng)他們高中成績出現(xiàn)波動漩蟆，拿到的是B或者C時垒探，他們火急火燎地發(fā)短信給他們的朋友并說道：“有人以這種成績上到好的大學(xué)嗎？”

And our kids, regardless of where they endup at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little brittle. They’rea little burned out.

我們的小孩怠李，不管他們從哪所高中畢業(yè)圾叼，他們都會覺得喘不過氣來，容易生氣捺癞，甚至有點筋疲力盡了夷蚊。

They’re a little old before their time,wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said,” what you’ve done is enough,this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.”

當(dāng)他們長大了一些，并希望大人們說：“你所做的已經(jīng)足夠了髓介，你童年付出的努力已經(jīng)足夠了撬码。”

And they’re withering now under high ratesof anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life everturn out to have been worth it?

在這種高度不安和沮喪下版保，他們正在凋謝。其中一些人想要知道夫否，這樣的人生值得嗎彻犁？

Well, we parents, we parents are prettysure it’s all worth it.

我們的父母非常確定這樣做是值得的。

We seem to behave—it’s like we literallythink they will have no future if they don’t get into one of these tiny set ofcolleges or careers we have in mind for them.

作為父母我們似乎表現(xiàn)得像是孩子們要是不能上大學(xué)或者做某種職業(yè)就不會有未來一樣凰慈。

Or maybe, maybe, we’re just afraid they won’thave a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backsof our cars.

或者也許汞幢，作為父母的我們害怕孩子們沒有我們可以向朋友吹噓的未來，或者可以貼在我們車后面的標(biāo)簽一樣微谓。

But if you look at what we’ve done, if you havethe courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids thinktheir worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up insidetheir precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of themovie” Being John Malkovich”, we send our children the message: “Hey kid, I don’tthink you can actually achieve any of this without me.”

但假如你看看你所做的森篷，如果你真有勇氣看的話，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)小孩子認(rèn)為他們的價值不僅僅來源于成績和分?jǐn)?shù)豺型，而是作為父母的我們一直存在于他們珍貴的仲智、正在形成的思想中。就像電影《約翰馬爾科維奇》一樣姻氨，他們也在演出自己的版本钓辆。我們向小孩傳遞這樣的信息：嘿，孩子，我認(rèn)為你要有我時時幫助你才能完成這些前联。

And so with our over help, ouroverprotection and over direction and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of thechance to building self-efficacy, which is really fundamental tenet of thehuman psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time weapplaud.

所以功戚，有了我們的過度幫忙，過度保護(hù)似嗤，過度指導(dǎo)啸臀，和手把手教導(dǎo)，我們剝奪了孩子建立自我效能感的機會烁落，它是心理結(jié)構(gòu)的基本原則乘粒，比我們每次喝彩得到的自尊重要得多。

Self-efficacy is built when one sees thatone’s own actions lead to outcomes, not—There you go.

自我效能感建立在一個人看到自己行為導(dǎo)致的結(jié)果時顽馋，如果得到的結(jié)果是否定的話谓厘，他們也從中學(xué)到了一些知識。（對自己行為導(dǎo)致的結(jié)果負(fù)100%的責(zé)任）

Not one’s parents’ actions onone’s behalf, but when one’s own actions lead to outcomes.

并不是一個父母的行為代表著某人寸谜，而是一個人的行為會導(dǎo)致某種結(jié)果竟稳。

So simply put, if our children are todevelop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more ofthinking.

所以簡單來說，如果我們的小孩在建立自我效能感熊痴，那么他們必須做出更全面的思考他爸。

Planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping,trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.

計劃、決定果善、行動诊笤、希望、應(yīng)對巾陕、試錯讨跟、夢想和經(jīng)歷屬于他們自己的人生。

Now, am I saying every kid is hard-workingand motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in theirlives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.

現(xiàn)在鄙煤，我要說的是晾匠，每個孩子都是很用功，很有上進(jìn)心的梯刚，不需要父母的參與或?qū)λ麄兊娜松信d趣凉馆，那么，父母們只需要往后退亡资，并且放手任其發(fā)展嗎澜共？顯然不是！

That is not what I’m saying. What I’msaying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as thepurpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tinynumber of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that’s toonarrow a definition of success for our kids.

這不是我說的锥腻。我要說的是嗦董，當(dāng)我們把成績和分?jǐn)?shù)、榮譽和獎項作為小孩童年的目的瘦黑，寄予希望他們能進(jìn)入為數(shù)不多的大學(xué)或者獲取某個職位時展懈，那么這種定義小孩成敗的方式就太狹隘了销睁。

And even though we might help them achievesome short-term wins by over helping like they get a better grade if we helpthem to do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resumewhen we help- what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost totheir sense of self.

盡管我們通過過度幫忙實現(xiàn)了他們的短期勝利，就像我們協(xié)助他們做作業(yè)可以拿到更高分存崖。在我們的協(xié)助下冻记，他們可能會以更長的童年履歷結(jié)束（指人生中經(jīng)歷更長的童年時期）。我想說的是来惧，所有這些長期的代價冗栗，需基于自我意識。

What I’m saying is, we should be lessconcerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to ormight get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset,the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

我想說的是供搀，我們需要在他們可能會申請哪所大學(xué)方面給予更少的關(guān)注隅居。而是參與和給予更多的關(guān)注在他們形成的習(xí)慣、心態(tài)葛虐、技能組合胎源、健康，這些無論他們?nèi)サ侥膬憾寄艹晒Φ哪芰Α?/p>

3

What I’m saying is, our kids need us to bea little less obsessed with grades and scores and whole lot more interested inchildhood providing a foundation for their success built on thing like love andchores.

我想說的是屿脐，我們的小孩需要我們對他們的成績和分?jǐn)?shù)少一點關(guān)注涕蚤，對他們的童年更感興趣一些，為他們的成功提供基礎(chǔ)的诵，并且是建立在愛和家務(wù)活上万栅。

Did I just say chores? Did I just saychores? I really did.

我說家務(wù)活了嗎？我說家務(wù)活了嗎西疤？是的烦粒，我說了。

But really, here’s why.

原因如下：

The longest longitudinal study of humansever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study.

哈佛格蘭特研究是有史以來最長的縱向人類學(xué)研究代赁。

It found that professional success in life,which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comesfrom having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, thata roll-up-your-sleeves.

研究表明扰她，生活中的職業(yè)成功（就是我們想要孩子們得到的成功），這種職業(yè)成功是來自于小孩子從小做家務(wù)芭碍，越早開始越好徒役，挽起袖子開始做吧。

And pitch in mindset, a mindset that says,there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me, amindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,that that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.

投入一種心態(tài)豁跑。這種心態(tài)是指，總有些人要去做一些看起來不那么光鮮的工作泻云，這個人可能就是我自己艇拍。這種心態(tài)意味著，我將貢獻(xiàn)我的努力作出改善宠纯。這點會使你在職場中遙遙領(lǐng)先卸夕。

Now, we all know this. You know this.

現(xiàn)在我們都知道這點了，你也知道了婆瓜。

We all know this, and yet, in thechecklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores aroundthe house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waitingfor a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking theimpulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around andwonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

我們都知道這點了快集，然后在清單式的童年中贡羔，我們不用小孩做家務(wù)，他們最終成為職場中的年輕人个初，仍舊等待著清單乖寒，但它并不存在，更重要的是院溺，他們?nèi)狈@種能讓他們卷起衣袖貢獻(xiàn)一份力量的本能沖動楣嘁。環(huán)顧四周，想想珍逸，對我的同事來說逐虚，我怎么樣才能有用？

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to whatmy boss might need?

我怎么能提前預(yù)測幾步知道老板需要什么谆膳？

A second very important finding from theHarvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love ofwork, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

哈佛格蘭特研究中心第二個非常重要的發(fā)現(xiàn)時叭爱，生活的快樂來源于愛，不是愛工作漱病，而是人與人之間的愛：我們的配偶买雾、搭檔、朋友缨称、家人凝果。

So childhood need to teach our kids how tolove, and they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and theywon’t love themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.

因此從小需要教育我們的小孩如何去愛，如果不先學(xué)會愛上自己睦尽，就不會愛別人器净，如果我們沒有提供給他們無條件的愛，他們也無法學(xué)會愛自己当凡。

Right. And so, instead of being obsessedwith grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or wecome home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, andlook them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we seeour child for the first time in a few hours.

因此山害，與其沉迷于成績和分?jǐn)?shù)，當(dāng)我們最愛的小孩放學(xué)回家時沿量，或者我們下班回家浪慌，我們需要關(guān)閉設(shè)備，放下手機朴则，看著他們的眼睛权纤，當(dāng)他們放學(xué)回家的第一時間，在我們看到他們的幾個小時里乌妒，讓他們看到我們滿臉的快樂汹想。

And then we have to say,” How was your day?What did you like about today?”

我們應(yīng)該說，你今天過得怎么樣撤蚊？今天你喜歡的事情是什么古掏？

And when your teenage daughter says,”Lunch,” like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, youhave to still have an interest in lunch.

這時你女兒說：“午餐”。和我一樣侦啸，我想聽的是數(shù)學(xué)測驗而不是午餐槽唾。你仍應(yīng)該把注意力放在午餐上丧枪。

You gotta say,” What was great about lunchtoday?”

你說：“今天的午餐好在哪里啊庞萍？”

They need to know they matter to us ashumans, not because of their GPA.

他們需要知道拧烦，他們對你來說很重要，而并非他們的平均成績對你來說很重要挂绰。

All right, so you’re thinking, chores andlove, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

現(xiàn)在屎篱，你正在想著家務(wù)和愛，這聽起來不錯葵蒂，但讓我休息一下交播。

The colleges want to see top scores andgrades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sore of.

大學(xué)想要看到高分?jǐn)?shù)和好成績，以及榮譽獎項践付。我想說秦士，在一定程度上是的。

The very biggest brand-name schools areasking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news.

最有名的大學(xué)會問年輕人（分?jǐn)?shù)和成績怎么樣永高？）但這里有好消息隧土。

Contrary to what the college rankingsracket would have us believe you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brandname schools to be happy and successful in life.

相反美國大學(xué)排行榜讓我們相信，你不一定非要去最有名的其中一所大學(xué)才算得上快樂和成功命爬。

Happy and successful people went to stateschool, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college,went to a college over here and flunked out.

快樂和成功的人們?nèi)スW(xué)校曹傀，去一些沒人聽過的大學(xué)，去社區(qū)大學(xué)饲宛。

The evidence is in this room, is in ourcommunities, that this is the truth.

證據(jù)就在我們此刻我演講的這間屋里皆愉，就在我們的社區(qū)，這是事實艇抠。

And if we could widen our blinders and bewilling to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from theequation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardlythe end of the world, if our kids don’t go to the one of those big brand-nameschools.

如果我們可以拓寬眼界幕庐，并樂意多看幾個大學(xué)，也許能從這種情況中消除自我家淤，我們可以接受這個事實异剥，并意識到，如果我們的小孩不能上其中一所名牌大學(xué)絮重，這不是世界末日冤寿。

And more importantly, if their childhoodhas not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get tocollege, whatever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their ownvolition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.

然而更重要的是，如果他們的童年不是遵循殘暴的清單青伤，那么當(dāng)他們上了大學(xué)督怜，無論哪一所大學(xué)，他們是憑借著他們的意志力上到（那所大學(xué)）潮模，由他們自己的渴望促成亮蛔，有能力茁壯成長痴施。

I have to admit something to you. I’ve gottwo kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

我不得不向你們承認(rèn)擎厢，我有兩個之前提到過的小孩究流，索耶和艾佛利。

They’re teenagers. And once upon a time, Ithink I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like bonsai trees- that I was going tocarefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of human that mightjust be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selectivecolleges.

他們是青少年時动遭，曾幾何時芬探，我認(rèn)為我對待索耶和艾佛利像小盆景樹，我要仔細(xì)修剪厘惦，將他們塑造成人類的完美形式偷仿。可能只是足夠完美地保證他們進(jìn)入其中一所名牌大學(xué)宵蕉。

But I’ve come to realize, after workingwith thousands of other people’s kids and raising two kids of my own, my kidsaren’t bonsai tress.

但在與成千上萬的孩子一起工作酝静，并且自己培育著兩個小孩時，我意識到羡玛，我的小孩不是盆景樹别智。

They’re wildflowers of an unknown genus andspecies- and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthenthem through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive loveand the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.

他們是未知物種的野花，我的工作是提供營養(yǎng)豐富的環(huán)境稼稿，從家務(wù)活和愛他們中薄榛，讓他們變得更加堅強，因此他們能愛別人并接受到愛让歼。對于大學(xué)敞恋、專業(yè)、職業(yè)谋右，這取決于他們自己硬猫。

My job is not to make them become what Iwould have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

我的工作不是使他們成為我所想的模樣，而是支持他們成為最好的自己倚评。

? ? ?

結(jié)束語：

看完視頻浦徊，無不震撼。毫不夸張地說天梧，中國幾乎99%的小孩都生活在清單式的童年中盔性。讀哪所學(xué)校？看什么課外書呢岗？跟什么人結(jié)交朋友冕香？如何與朋友相處？報哪個志愿后豫？讀哪所大學(xué)悉尾？買哪件衣服？每天該吃什么挫酿，不該吃什么构眯？該不該要小孩？什么時候結(jié)婚早龟？要不要辭職惫霸？該做主時孩子沒想法猫缭，父母亂插手。

前不久見到親戚壹店，她說小妹在X國留學(xué)猜丹，本科馬上學(xué)完，不知道要不要繼續(xù)讀碩士硅卢，抑或是回來工作射窒？便來問我，請我?guī)兔Τ龀鲋饕饨堋Ｎ矣谑菃栃∶迷趺聪肼龆伲坑H戚說，她也不知道点寥。不知道是不是要繼續(xù)學(xué)下去弊予，畢業(yè)后要做什么不知道，回不回國也沒想法开财。一個人如果一直活在別人的安排和期待下汉柒，總有一天會后悔吧。我于是跟親戚講责鳍，請她自己去社會上闖一闖昼蛀，看看自己處在社會中的什么位置法褥，至于未來预烙，還是問她自己的內(nèi)心吧当纱。已經(jīng)大學(xué)畢業(yè)了，做父母的不要再插手孩子的人生了恤溶，還他們一個獨立思考和對自己行為承擔(dān)百分之百責(zé)任的能力吧乓诽。