上篇文章說到，如果我面對(duì)稍晚回復(fù)的消息有進(jìn)步了，我就會(huì)記錄下來——
And I am proud to say I did it :)我們找到了一個(gè)折中的方法，一個(gè)方面耙旦，他會(huì)比以前更努力地盡早回復(fù)我消息；另一個(gè)方面萝究，我減少發(fā)送消息的頻率免都，給他留更多的個(gè)人空間。It seems like replying messages is no longer too big an issue for us.
However, it turns out that behind the message-replying dilemma the path to the future is more troublesome. When I didn’t feel to be taken care enough and protected enough in this relationship, I recently tried to be honest to my own feelings and communicated my feelings with my partner but got the criticism of “bad choice of wording” and “you hurt me by saying this”. He told me that “you don't always get what you want, you get what you get.”
At some point, I realized that this relationship was not one felt comfortable with. Or, indeed, I have had this feeling from the very beginning, but I ascribed it to we weren’t close enough. I believe that it takes time to磨合糊肤，sinceI don’t think there is one “perfect person”, and I know all the beautiful love stories coming from efforts paid by both parties. On the other hand, however, 每個(gè)人對(duì)愛情的理解和希望從愛情中得到的東西都不一樣琴昆，JC說“愿得一人心”是一回事，“get people to treat you the way you want”又是另外一回事馆揉。But you can’t be comfortable in a close relationship (which I think is the basic feeling in one healthy relationship) if you don’t get the things that are important to you, and you don’t see the path of how to approach it.
The things I value most about myself – the ability to feel and express feelings exactly, the ability of understanding (others’ happiness and pain), heuristic thoughts and free mind, close to nature and the land – all the above, adding up to my ability of love. I am afraid of loneliness and I seek love. I seek deep connections with people. But at the same time, I try to be more independent to make sure that I can make all the choices at my own will and be able to accept all the outcomes go with them. And I hope these things are valued in my close relationship, and I hope my friends would find interesting to talk to me.
I believe this person cares about me – that’s why I am ok with not getting messages replied immediately, but truly, I don’t know how to approach the next step. I know I can make the other person feel happy – at the cost of I will feel an obvious uncomfort. But if I do it again without thinking, that’s bad because it is not honest, to my feelings or to him. According to my friend D, it is “你一步步在推進(jìn)關(guān)系业舍，也在一步步計(jì)劃離開”。這樣會(huì)讓別人不知如何信任。Thus, I decide to stay where I am for a while, talk again with my partner, observe and feel him, but also trust my own feelings.
我想讓我的生活有更多我想要的色彩~輕快明亮些舷暮，驚喜些态罪。What indeed matters, in the end, is how I feel, not what I have done,更不是 how others look at me, which I am glad that I do not care at all.從去年年底開始的一系列對(duì)我想法和思考的記錄是其中的一步，我將它們分享給我信任的朋友和家人下面，分享生命/共同成長(zhǎng)复颈；我想去嘗試一些新的東西，建立新的突觸——現(xiàn)在正在進(jìn)行的是學(xué)習(xí)意大利語沥割，去攀巖耗啦；鞏固原有的東西——回國(guó)之后想練習(xí)大提琴到一個(gè)可以讓我自己接受的程度，踢球和打羽毛球机杜，以及帜讲，陪伴家人，他們是對(duì)我來說最重要的人椒拗。
剛剛發(fā)生了一件有趣的小插曲似将，我在寫著這篇東西的時(shí)候，看見了一年未見的學(xué)長(zhǎng)——18年的前大半年蚀苛，我和他一直在圖書館的同一塊位置自習(xí)在验，周中周末都能在圖書館看到他。后來他畢業(yè)去了princeton做了一年RA堵未，現(xiàn)在被錄回杜克腋舌，這兩天回來收拾東西。他告訴我他是專門上來的兴溜，就是想看看一年過后周六的早上侦厚，我是不是還在原來的那個(gè)位置——surprisingly or unsurprisingly, I am still here :) 一年很快過去吶耻陕。我并不知道他回來拙徽，但是我很開心我還在這里，在同樣的位置诗宣，見到同樣的人膘怕。
我依然，非常期待未來 :)
