那不勒斯四部曲IV-失蹤的孩子 中英雙語版6

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促使我決定的是幾個(gè)星期后發(fā)生的事孽拷。馬麗婭羅莎出差去了法國(guó)波爾多,我不記得她是去做什么斩个。在離開之前胯杭,她把我拉到一邊,說了一些關(guān)于弗朗科的話受啥,有些語無倫次做个,基本意思是:她不在時(shí),我要看著他點(diǎn)兒腔呜。她說叁温,弗朗科現(xiàn)在很抑郁。我忽然明白了我只是猜測(cè)的一件事情核畴,之前我總是有其他事情需要操心,沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)這一點(diǎn):她對(duì)弗朗科不像對(duì)其他人那樣冲九,只是出于一種樂善好施的態(tài)度谤草,她真的愛著弗朗科,成了他的母親莺奸、姐姐和情人丑孩。她那種痛苦的表情,還有他消瘦的身體灭贷,都是因?yàn)楦ダ士谱屗齻涫芗灏疚卵В芙箲],也很操心甚疟,她覺得弗朗科現(xiàn)在變得過于脆弱仗岖,隨時(shí)都可能裂開逃延。

What happened a few weeks later made my

? decision for me. Mariarosa had gone, she had an engagement in Bordeaux.

? Before she left she took me aside and delivered a confused speech about

? Franco, on the need for me to stay close to him during her absence. She

? described him as very depressed, and I suddenly understood what until that

? moment I had only intuited in fits and starts and then missed through

? distraction: with Franco she was playing the good Samaritan as she did with

? everyone; she loved him seriously, she had become for him

? mother-sister-lover, and her expression of suffering, her withered body were

? due to permanent anxiety about him, the certainty that he had become too

? fragile and might break at any moment.

她一共離開了八天。我腦子里很亂轧拄,有很多事情要考慮揽祥,我盡量對(duì)弗朗科很客氣,我每天晚上都會(huì)和他聊到很晚檩电。讓我高興的是拄丰,他沒和我談?wù)危歉艺劦搅怂约豪€有我們?cè)谝黄鸬臅r(shí)光:春天在比薩城里散步料按,阿爾諾河沿岸的臭味。他還跟我說了一些從來沒對(duì)別人提起過的事情:他小時(shí)候的事兒卓箫,他父母還有爺爺奶奶的事兒站绪。尤其讓我高興的是,他讓我說出我的不安丽柿,和出版社簽訂的新合同恢准,我現(xiàn)在要寫的小說,回到那不勒斯生活的可能甫题,還有尼諾馁筐。他從來不會(huì)把話題扯到其他事情上,也不會(huì)斟詞酌句坠非,他說話很直接敏沉,有時(shí)候甚至很粗俗。有一天晚上炎码,他好像有些犯糊涂了盟迟,他說:“假如你愛他超過愛自己,你還是接受他現(xiàn)在的樣子吧:有妻子孩子潦闲,和其他女人上床的愛好攒菠,還有他做的那些齷齪事兒∏溉颍”他一邊充滿溫情地叫著我的名字辖众,“埃萊娜,埃萊娜和敬!”一邊搖著頭凹炸。他笑著從沙發(fā)上站了起來,臉色陰沉地說昼弟,他覺得一個(gè)人如果毫無畏懼啤它,或者非常厭煩地恢復(fù)了理性,這樣愛情就會(huì)結(jié)束。他拖著一條腿变骡,從房間里出去了离赫,就好像要保證腳踩到實(shí)處。我不知道為什么锣光,那天晚上我想起了帕斯卡萊——一個(gè)和弗朗科的出身笆怠、文化和政治選擇徹底不同的人。盡管如此誊爹,有那么一刻蹬刷,我想象著這位童年的朋友,假如他能從把他吞沒的黑暗中重新浮現(xiàn)频丘,他可能也會(huì)那樣走路办成。

She was away for eight days. With some

? effort—I had other things on my mind—I was cordial to Franco. I stayed up

? late talking with him every evening, and I was glad that instead of talking

? about politics he preferred to recall, to himself more than to me, how well

? we had got on together: our walks through Pisa in the spring, the terrible

? smell of the street along the Arno, the times he had confided to me things

? he’d never said to anyone about his childhood, his parents, his grandparents.

? Above all I was pleased that he let me talk about my anxieties, about the new

? contract I had signed with the publishing house, about the need therefore to

? write a new book, about a possible return to Naples, about Nino. He never

? attempted generalizations or superfluous words. He was, rather, sharp, almost

? vulgar. If he is more important to you than yourself—he said one evening,

? seeming almost dazed—you should take him as he is: wife, children, that

? permanent tendency to sleep with other women, the vulgar things he is and

? will be capable of. Lena, Lenuccia, he murmured, affectionately, shaking his

? head. And then he laughed, got up from the chair, said obscurely that in his

? view love ended only when it was possible to return to oneself without fear

? or disgust, and left the room with shuffling steps, as if he wanted to

? reassure himself of the materiality of the floor. I don’t know why Pasquale

? came to mind, that night, a person very far from him in social background,

? culture, political choices. And yet, for an instant, I imagined that if my

? friend from the neighborhood had managed to reemerge alive from the darkness

? that had swallowed him he would have the same way of walking.

一整天,弗朗科都沒從房間里出來搂漠。晚上迂卢,我因?yàn)楣ぷ魃系氖聝撼鋈ィ胰デ盟拈T桐汤,問他能不能給黛黛和艾爾莎弄點(diǎn)晚飯吃而克,他答應(yīng)了。我回去得很晚怔毛,和平時(shí)不一樣的是员萍,他把廚房搞得很亂,我收拾了桌子拣度,洗了盤子碎绎。我沒怎么睡著,早上六點(diǎn)時(shí)就已經(jīng)醒了抗果。我去洗手間時(shí)筋帖,經(jīng)過他的房門口,讓我好奇的是冤馏,他門上有一張方形的紙條日麸,是用大頭針固定的,紙條上寫著:“埃萊娜宿接,不要讓兩個(gè)孩子進(jìn)來赘淮。”我想睦霎,可能是那幾天黛黛和艾爾莎攪擾到他了,或者說前一天晚上走诞,她們?nèi)撬鷼饬烁迸N掖蛩愠栽顼垥r(shí)批評(píng)她們。但我又想蚣旱,弗朗科和我的兩個(gè)孩子關(guān)系很好碑幅,我排除了他生她們的氣的可能戴陡。早上八點(diǎn),我小心翼翼地去敲他的門沟涨,沒人回答恤批。我又使勁兒敲了一下,最后輕輕打開了門裹赴。房間很黑喜庞,我叫了一聲,沒人回答棋返。

For an entire day Franco didn’t come out

? of his room. That night I had an engagement for work, I knocked, I asked him

? if he could give Dede and Elsa dinner. He promised to do it. I got home late,

? and, contrary to his usual habit, he had left the kitchen in great disorder.

? I cleared the table, I washed the dishes. I didn’t sleep much, at six I was

? already awake. On the way to the bathroom I passed his room and was attracted

? by a sheet of notebook paper attached to the door with a thumbtack. On it was

? written: Lena, don’t let the children in. I thought that Dede and Elsa had

? been bothering him, or that the evening before they had made him angry, and I

? went to make breakfast with the intention of scolding them. Then I thought

? again. Franco had a good relationship with my daughters, I ruled out that he

? was angry with them for some reason. Around eight I knocked discreetly. No

? answer. I knocked harder, I opened the door cautiously, the room was dark. I

? called him, silence, I turned on the light.

我打開了燈延都,看到枕頭和床單上全是血,黑紅色的血跡一直流到他腳下睛竣,死亡是這么讓人作嘔晰房。在這里,我只能說射沟,當(dāng)我看到那具我很熟悉的身體——之前那具幸福殊者、活躍的身體,讀了很多書验夯,經(jīng)歷了很多事兒猖吴,我感到同情,同時(shí)也感到惡心簿姨。弗朗科是沉浸于當(dāng)時(shí)的政治文化的一個(gè)典型人物距误,他具有遠(yuǎn)大的理想和希望,而且很有風(fēng)度”馕唬現(xiàn)在准潭,他上演了這樣可怕的一幕,他用一種殘酷的方式從這個(gè)世界上逃離域仇,留下了那么多記憶刑然、語言和意義。我感覺暇务,他對(duì)自己的外表泼掠、心情、思想和語言垦细,還有這個(gè)世界的糟糕去向的仇恨已經(jīng)將他吞噬择镇。

There was blood on the pillow and on the

? sheet, a large blackish stain that extended to his feet. Death is so

? repellent. Here I will say only that when I saw that body deprived of life,

? that body which I knew intimately, which had been happy and active, which had

? read so many books and had been exposed to so many experiences, I felt both

? repulsion and pity. Franco had been a living material saturated with

? political culture, with generous purposes and hopes, with good manners. Now

? he offered a horrible spectacle of himself. He had rid himself so fiercely of

? memory, language, the capacity to find meaning that it seemed obvious the

? hatred he had for himself, for his own skin, for his moods, for his thoughts

? and words, for the brutal corner of the world that had enveloped him.

在接下來的幾天里,我一直想著帕斯卡萊和卡門的母親朱塞平娜括改,她也無法繼續(xù)容忍自己腻豌,容忍她生活中剩下的那些碎片。但朱塞平娜是上一代人吝梅,而弗朗科是我同時(shí)代的人虱疏,那種充滿暴力的離世方式讓我很震動(dòng),讓我無法自拔苏携。很長(zhǎng)一段時(shí)間我都想著他寫的那張紙條做瞪,那是他留下的唯一紙條,那是他留給我的右冻,其實(shí)是想對(duì)我說:不要讓兩個(gè)孩子進(jìn)來装蓬,我不希望她們看到我,但你可以進(jìn)來国旷,你應(yīng)該看到我矛物。我現(xiàn)在還想著他對(duì)我的雙重命令:一個(gè)是說出來的,另一個(gè)是沒說出來了跪但。有很多積極分子都參加了弗朗科的葬禮履羞,他們的拳頭都輕輕地握著(弗朗科當(dāng)時(shí)很有名,備受崇拜)屡久。在葬禮之后忆首,我試著和馬麗婭羅莎重新建立情感,我想安慰她被环,和她談?wù)摳ダ士撇诩埃龥]有給我機(jī)會(huì)。她神思恍惚的時(shí)候越來越多了筛欢,而且時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)有一種病態(tài)的懷疑浸锨,她眼里的光芒和活力也黯淡下來了,家里慢慢地空了版姑。她對(duì)我也不再是那種姐妹的態(tài)度柱搜,而是越來越充滿敵意,要么她整天都待在大學(xué)剥险,要么在家里的時(shí)候聪蘸,她也會(huì)關(guān)在自己的房間里,不愿意被打擾表制。如果兩個(gè)孩子在家里玩的時(shí)候弄出聲響健爬,她會(huì)非常生氣,會(huì)罵她們么介,不讓她們喧鬧娜遵。我收拾了行李,我?guī)е祺旌桶瑺柹チ四遣焕账埂?/p>

In the days that followed I thought of

? Pasquale and Carmen’s mother, Giuseppina. She, too, had stopped being able to

? tolerate herself and the segment of life that remained to her. But Giuseppina

? came from the time that preceded me, Franco instead was of my time, and that

? violent removal from it didn’t just make an impression, it was devastating. I

? thought for a long time about his note, the only one he left. It was

? addressed to me and in substance was saying: Don’t let the children in, I

? don’t want them to see me; but you can enter, you must see me. I still think

? about that double imperative, one explicit, one implicit. After the funeral,

? which was attended by a crowd of militants with weakly clenched fists (Franco

? was still at the time well known and highly respected), I tried to

? re-establish a bond with Mariarosa. I wanted to be close to her, I wanted to

? talk about him, but she wouldn’t let me. Her untidy appearance got worse, her

? features took on a morbid distrust that diminished even the vivacity of her

? eyes. The house slowly emptied. Any sisterly feeling toward me vanished, and

? she became increasingly hostile. Either she stayed at the university all the

? time or, if she was at home, she shut herself in her room and didn’t want to

? be disturbed. She got angry if the girls made noise playing, she got even

? angrier if I scolded them for their noisy games. I packed the bags, I left

? for Naples with Dede and Elsa.

30

尼諾真的在塔索街上租了一套房子壤短,在這一點(diǎn)上魔熏,他沒說謊衷咽。我搬去那套房子住了鸽扁,盡管房子里全是螞蟻蒜绽,只有一張沒有靠背的雙人床、兩個(gè)孩子的床桶现、一張桌子躲雅、幾把椅子,沒有別的家具骡和。我們不談?wù)搻矍橄嗔蓿膊惶峒拔磥怼?/p>

Nino had been sincere, he had actually

? rented the apartment on Via Tasso. I went to live there right away, even

? though it was infested with ants and the furniture came down to a double bed

? without a headboard, cots for the children, a table, some chairs. I didn’t

? talk about love, I didn’t mention the future.

我對(duì)他說,我作出這個(gè)決定慰于,很大程度上是因?yàn)楦ダ士频乃琅タ啤N規(guī)Ыo他了一個(gè)好消息,還有一個(gè)壞消息婆赠。好消息是我的出版社接受了他的雜文集绵脯,但要重新潤(rùn)色;壞消息是我不想讓他碰我休里。他聽到第一個(gè)消息時(shí)很高興蛆挫,聽到第二個(gè)消息后很失措。后來妙黍,我們每天晚上坐在桌前悴侵,一起重寫他的文章,這種相互靠近的方式拭嫁,讓我的憤怒不再那么強(qiáng)烈可免。埃利奧諾拉還在懷孕,我和尼諾已經(jīng)又相愛了做粤。后來浇借,埃利奧諾拉生了一個(gè)女兒,起名叫莉迪亞驮宴。同時(shí)逮刨,尼諾和我像一對(duì)正常的情人,有著自己的生活堵泽,一套漂亮的房子修己,兩個(gè)孩子,還有非常豐富的私人和公眾生活迎罗。

I told him that my decision had to do

? mostly with Franco, and I limited myself to bringing him good news and bad.

? The good was that my publisher had agreed to bring out his collection of

? essays, provided he made a new draft that was a little less dry; the bad was

? that I didn’t want him to touch me. He greeted the first piece of news

? joyfully, he was desperate about the second. But then, as it turned out, we

? spent every evening sitting together, rewriting his essays, and with that

? closeness I couldn’t keep my rage alive. Eleonora was still pregnant when we

? began to love each other again. And when she gave birth to a girl, who was

? named Lidia, Nino and I had returned to being lovers, a couple with our

? habits, a nice house, two children, an intense life, both private and public.

“你不要覺得睬愤,”我從開始就對(duì)他說,“一切會(huì)按著你的想法來纹安,我現(xiàn)在沒辦法離開你尤辱,但離開是遲早的事兒砂豌。”

“Don’t think,” I said from the start,

? “that I’m at your command: I’m not capable of leaving you now, but sooner or

? later it will happen.”

“不會(huì)的光督,你沒有理由離開我阳距。”

“It won’t happen, you won’t have any

? reason to.”

“我已經(jīng)有太多理由了结借】鹫”

“I have plenty of reasons.”

“一切都會(huì)變的〈希”

“Everything will change soon.”

“我們等著瞧吧咖熟。”

“We’ll see.”

但這都是做做樣子柳畔,我做出一副理直氣壯的樣子馍管,但實(shí)際上,我覺得自己很不理性薪韩,很屈辱确沸。我現(xiàn)在要得到我所能得到的,等到我厭煩了他的面孔躬存、語言张惹,消磨了對(duì)他的所有欲望,我就會(huì)離開他岭洲,就像弗朗科說的宛逗。假如有幾天他不出現(xiàn),我白白等著他盾剩,我就會(huì)想雷激,最好這樣,我很忙告私,他來了只會(huì)添亂屎暇。當(dāng)我感到一陣陣醋意往上涌的時(shí)候,我會(huì)試著平靜下來驻粟,小聲對(duì)自己說:他愛的女人是我根悼。假如我想到了他的孩子,我會(huì)說:他現(xiàn)在和黛黛蜀撑、艾爾莎在一起的時(shí)間要比和阿爾伯特挤巡、莉迪亞的時(shí)間多。當(dāng)然酷麦,這都是真的矿卑,也不是真的。是的沃饶,尼諾的吸引力會(huì)慢慢消散母廷。是的轻黑,我有一堆事情要做。是的琴昆,尼諾愛我氓鄙,他也愛黛黛和艾爾莎。是的椎咧,他現(xiàn)在對(duì)我越來越有吸引力了玖详。是的,我已經(jīng)想好了勤讽,假如他需要我的話,我會(huì)不顧一切和他在一起拗踢,不管其他人脚牍。是的,他和埃利奧諾拉巢墅、阿爾伯特還有剛剛出生的莉迪亞關(guān)系很密切诸狭,就像他和我,還有我的兩個(gè)女兒的關(guān)系一樣君纫。但在這些“是的”上面驯遇,籠罩著一層層黑紗,但還有其他我假裝看不到的事兒蓄髓。假如這層黑紗的這里或那里有一些破綻叉庐,就會(huì)使事情真相暴露出來,我馬上會(huì)用一些冠冕堂皇的話來安慰自己:未來一切都會(huì)變的会喝,我們?cè)趪L試一種新的同居形式陡叠,或者用其他我在外面參加讀者見面會(huì)時(shí)那些夸夸其談,或者用我寫的東西肢执。

But it was a stage set, I passed off as

? very reasonable what was in fact unreasonable and humiliating. I’m taking—I

? said, adapting Franco’s words—what is indispensable to me now, and as soon as

? I’ve consumed his face, his words, every desire, I’ll send him away. When I

? waited for him in vain for days I told myself it was better that way, I was

? busy, he was with me too much. And when I felt the sting of jealousy I tried

? to calm myself by whispering: I am the woman he loves. And if I thought of

? his children I said to myself: He spends more time with Dede and Elsa than

? with Albertino and Lidia. Naturally it was all true and all false. Yes, the

? force of Nino’s attraction would wear out. Yes, I had a lot of things to do.

? Yes, Nino loved me, he loved Dede and Elsa. But there were also others, yes,

? whom I pretended to ignore. Yes, I was more attracted to him than ever. Yes,

? I was ready to neglect everything and everyone if he needed me. Yes, his ties

? to Eleonora, Albertino, and the newborn Lidia were at least as strong as his

? ties to me and my daughters. I lowered dark curtains over those yeses, and if

? in fact here or there a tear in the fabric made evident the true state of

? things I quickly resorted to big words about the world to come: everything is

? changing, we are inventing new forms of living together, and other nonsense

? of the sort that I myself uttered in public or wrote every time it happened.

但是枉阵,我每天都要面臨各種各樣的考驗(yàn),不斷有這樣或者那樣的破綻會(huì)裂開预茄。整個(gè)那不勒斯一點(diǎn)兒也沒有變好兴溜,它的問題讓我精疲力竭。在塔索街上住著其實(shí)很不方便耻陕,尼諾給我弄來一輛二手車拙徽,是一臺(tái)白色的R4,我很喜歡淮蜈,但剛開始斋攀,我不得不放棄開它,因?yàn)橐怀鋈ゾ腿囄嗵铩N液茈y面對(duì)日常生活中那些瑣碎的事兒淳蔼,我在佛羅倫薩侧蘸、熱內(nèi)亞和米蘭時(shí)從來都沒有那么辛苦過。黛黛上了一天學(xué)鹉梨,回來就說讳癌,她非常討厭同學(xué)和老師。艾爾莎才小學(xué)一年級(jí)存皂,回來時(shí)總是眼睛紅紅的晌坤,很傷心,但她拒絕跟我講發(fā)生了什么事情旦袋。我開始數(shù)落她們倆骤菠,我說她們不知道怎么對(duì)付對(duì)手,不知道捍衛(wèi)自己疤孕,不能適應(yīng)環(huán)境商乎,她們應(yīng)該學(xué)著點(diǎn)兒。結(jié)果是祭阀,兩姐妹聯(lián)合起來對(duì)付我:她們現(xiàn)在談到她們的奶奶阿黛爾鹉戚,還有姑媽馬麗婭羅莎,就好像她們是神仙专控,曾經(jīng)為她們量身設(shè)計(jì)了一個(gè)幸福世界抹凳,她們公然懷念和奶奶還有姑媽在一起的日子。為了重新贏得她們伦腐,吸引她們赢底,我盡量和她們親熱,但有時(shí)候蔗牡,她們會(huì)有些不情愿地和我擁抱颖系,有時(shí)候會(huì)推開我。我的工作呢辩越?我越來越明顯地感覺到嘁扼,在這個(gè)工作順利的階段,假如我留在米蘭黔攒,在出版社找一份工作趁啸,結(jié)果會(huì)好很多《蕉瑁或者去羅馬不傅,因?yàn)槲艺J(rèn)識(shí)的出版圈子里的朋友們?cè)敢鈳椭摇N液蛢蓚€(gè)女兒待在那不勒斯干什么赏胚?我們只是為了讓尼諾高興嗎访娶?我做出一副自由獨(dú)立的樣子,我是在說謊吧觉阅?我拿著我那兩本書崖疤,扮演著一個(gè)婦女拯救者的角色秘车,說出她們無法說出的話,我是在對(duì)我的聽眾說謊嗎劫哼?那些都是現(xiàn)成的話叮趴,我最好相信刘绣,但實(shí)際上图呢,我和我那些最傳統(tǒng)的同齡人有什么差別?盡管我說了那么多辫秧,但我還是讓一個(gè)男人“捏造”我般码,使得他的需求妻率,高于我和兩個(gè)女兒的需求?

But the difficulties hammered at me every

? day, cracks were continually opening up. The city hadn’t improved at all, its

? malaise wore me out immediately. Via Tasso turned out to be inconvenient.

? Nino got me a used car, a white Renault 4 that I immediately became attached

? to, but then I was always stuck in traffic, and I soon gave it up. I

? struggled to meet the endless demands of daily life much more than I ever had

? in Florence, Genoa, Milan. From the first day of school Dede hated her

? teacher and her classmates. Elsa, now in first grade, always came home

? depressed, her eyes red, and refused to tell me what had happened to her. I

? began to scold them both. I said they didn’t know how to deal with adversity,

? they didn’t know how to assert themselves, they didn’t know how to adapt, and

? they had to learn. As a result the two sisters joined forces against me: they

? began to speak of their grandmother Adele and aunt Mariarosa as if they were

? divinities who had organized a happy world made just for them, they mourned

? them in an increasingly explicit way. When, in an attempt to win them back, I

? drew them to me, cuddled them, they hugged me unwillingly, and sometimes

? pushed me away. And my work? It became more and more evident that, especially

? in that successful period, I would have done better to stay in Milan and find

? a job at a publisher’s. Or even settle in Rome, since I had met people on my

? promotional tours who had offered to help me. What were my daughters and I

? doing in Naples? Were we there just to make Nino happy? Was I lying to myself

? when I portrayed myself as free and autonomous? And was I lying to my

? audience when I played the part of someone who, with her two small books, had

? sought to help every woman confess what she couldn’t say to herself? Were

? they mere formulas that it was convenient for me to believe in while in fact

? I was no different from my more traditional contemporaries? In spite of all

? the talk was I letting myself be invented by a man to the point where his

? needs were imposed on mine and those of my daughters?

我學(xué)會(huì)了逃避問題侈询。只要尼諾敲了門舌涨,我的任何懊悔和矛盾都會(huì)消失。我對(duì)自己說:“現(xiàn)在”的生活就是這樣扔字,沒有別的可能。同時(shí)温技,我對(duì)自己提出了一些要求革为,我不想妥協(xié),我要充滿斗志舵鳞。有時(shí)候震檩,我會(huì)覺得幸福。我住的那套房子采光很好蜓堕,從陽臺(tái)可以看到那不勒斯的建筑抛虏,一直延伸到大海邊沿,大海反射出一種藍(lán)黃色的光芒套才。我把兩個(gè)女兒從熱內(nèi)亞迂猴、米蘭的臨時(shí)處境中抽離出來,這里的海風(fēng)背伴、顏色和街上的方言沸毁,還有尼諾周圍的那些有文化人讓我充滿安全感,讓我很愉快傻寂。我?guī)е鴥蓚€(gè)女兒去佛羅倫薩見她們的父親息尺,彼得羅來那不勒斯看她們時(shí),我也表現(xiàn)得很愉快疾掰。我讓彼得羅住在家里搂誉,雖然尼諾不是很情愿,我在兩個(gè)女兒的房間里給他搭了一張床静檬。兩個(gè)女兒都很愛他炭懊,就好像要通過展示她們多愛他并级,讓他留下來。我試著和他自在地相處凛虽,我打聽多莉婭娜的情況死遭,問他的書怎么樣了。他的那本書一直預(yù)告要出版凯旋,但總是會(huì)冒出來一個(gè)什么問題呀潭,需要進(jìn)一步完善。當(dāng)兩個(gè)女兒黏著她們的父親至非,完全無視我時(shí)钠署,我會(huì)趁機(jī)休閑一下。我從米雷里拱門下去荒椭,沿著卡拉喬洛海濱街散步谐鼎,在沿海路上坐著休息。我一直走到阿涅洛·法爾科內(nèi)街趣惠,到達(dá)佛羅里笛安娜狸棍,選一張長(zhǎng)椅,開始看書味悄。

I learned to avoid myself. It was enough

? for Nino to knock on the door and the bitterness vanished. I said to myself:

? Life now is this and can’t be other. Meanwhile I tried to give myself some

? discipline, I didn’t resign myself, I tried to be assertive, sometimes I even

? managed to feel happy. The house shone with light. From my balcony I saw

? Naples stretching to the edges of the yellow-blue reflection of the sea. I

? had taken my daughters away from the temporariness of Genoa and Milan, and

? the air, the colors, the sounds of the dialect in the streets, the cultured

? people Nino brought to see me even late into the night gave me confidence,

? made me cheerful. I took the girls to see Pietro in Florence and was pleased

? when he came to see them in Naples. Over Nino’s protests I let him stay in my

? house. I made him a bed in the girls’ room; their affection for him was a

? performance, as if they wanted to keep him with them through a display of how

? much they loved him. We tried to have a casual relationship, I inquired about

? Doriana, I asked about his book, which was always about to be published when

? further details emerged that had to be examined. When the children held tight

? to their father, ignoring me, I took a little break. I went down through the

? Arco Mirelli and walked along Via Caracciolo, beside the sea. Or I went up to

? Via Aniello Falcone and came to the Floridiana. I chose a bench, I read.

31

從塔索街上看草戈,我們的城區(qū)很遠(yuǎn),就像一個(gè)蒼白的石頭堆侍瑟,就像維蘇威火山腳下的一個(gè)模糊的廢墟唐片。我想事情最好是這樣:我現(xiàn)在成了另一個(gè)人,我要想辦法涨颜,不再落入那個(gè)城區(qū)费韭。但在這種情況下,我的立場(chǎng)不是很堅(jiān)定庭瑰。一到了那不勒斯星持,我就匆匆忙忙安置下來,三四天之后我就改變了主意见擦。我精心地打扮了一下兩個(gè)女兒钉汗,也收拾了一下自己。我對(duì)她們說:“現(xiàn)在我們?nèi)タ匆榴R可拉塔外婆鲤屡、維多里奧爺爺损痰,還有幾個(gè)舅舅阿姨【评矗”

From Via Tasso the old neighborhood was a

? dim, distant rockpile, indistinguishable urban debris at the foot of

? Vesuvius. I wanted it to stay that way: I was another person now, I would

? make sure that it did not recapture me. But in that case, too, the purpose I

? tended to attribute to myself was fragile. A mere three or four days after

? the first harried arrangement of the apartment I gave in. I dressed the

? children carefully, dressed up myself, and said: Now let’s go see Grandmother

? Immacolata and Grandfather Vittorio and the uncles.

我們一早出發(fā)卢未,在阿米迪歐廣場(chǎng)上坐上地鐵,兩個(gè)女兒坐地鐵時(shí),都非常激動(dòng)辽社,因?yàn)榈罔F開過來時(shí)帶來了一陣強(qiáng)風(fēng)伟墙,衣服都貼在了身上,讓她們喘不上氣滴铅。自從我母親來佛羅倫薩鬧了一場(chǎng)之后戳葵,我再也沒見過她。我很擔(dān)心她不想見我汉匙,也許是因?yàn)檫@個(gè)原因拱烁,我在去看她之前,并沒有打電話通知噩翠。但我應(yīng)該坦誠(chéng)戏自,我沒打電話還有另一個(gè)秘密的原因。我出現(xiàn)在這里伤锚,是因?yàn)檫@樣或那樣的原因擅笔,我想去這里或那里,但我很難承認(rèn):這個(gè)城區(qū)對(duì)于我來說屯援,除了有我的親戚猛们,主要是因?yàn)槔蚶谀抢铮爻菂^(qū)去看一下狞洋,就意味著要思考怎么處理和她的關(guān)系阅懦。我沒有一個(gè)確切的想法,還是隨遇而安吧徘铝。無論如何,我可能遇到她惯吕,我特別精心地把兩個(gè)女兒打扮了一下惕它,也收拾了自己。我希望废登,假如我遇到她的話淹魄,她會(huì)覺得我是一個(gè)出眾的太太,我的兩個(gè)女兒都很好堡距,她們沒有遭罪甲锡,也沒有迷失。

We left early in the morning and at

? Piazza Amedeo took the metro; the children were excited by the violent wind

? produced by the train’s arrival, which ruffled their hair, pasted their

? dresses to their bodies, took away their breath. I hadn’t seen or talked to

? my mother since the scene in Florence. I was afraid she would refuse to see

? me and maybe for that reason I didn’t telephone to announce my visit. But I

? have to be honest, there was another, more obscure reason. I was reluctant to

? say to myself: I am here for this or that other reason, I want to go here or

? I want to go there. The neighborhood for me, even more than my family, was

? Lila: to plan that visit would also mean asking myself how I wanted to

? arrange things with her. And I still didn’t have definite answers, and so

? leaving it to chance was better. In any case, since it was possible that I

? would run into her, I had devoted the greatest attention to the children’s

? appearance and to my own. If it happened, I wanted her to realize that I was

? a lady of refinement and that my daughters weren’t suffering, weren’t falling

? apart, were doing very well.

結(jié)果是羽戒,那天我的情感經(jīng)過了各種波折缤沦。經(jīng)過隧道下面時(shí),我繞過了卡門和她丈夫羅伯特工作的那個(gè)加油站易稠,我穿過院子缸废,忐忑地爬上了樓梯,走上支離破碎的臺(tái)階,那是我出生的那棟舊樓房企量。黛黛和艾爾莎都很興奮测萎,就好像要面對(duì)一場(chǎng)無法想象的歷險(xiǎn),我走在她們前面届巩,摁響了門鈴硅瞧。這時(shí)候,我聽到了我母親一瘸一拐的步子恕汇,她打開門腕唧,眼睛一下瞪得很大,就像我們?nèi)齻€(gè)人都是鬼四苇。盡管我有備而來,但我還是感到很驚異方咆,因?yàn)檠矍暗倪@個(gè)人和我想象的有很大差別月腋。我母親變化很大,有那么一剎那瓣赂,我感覺她很像她的一個(gè)堂姐榆骚,我小時(shí)候見過那個(gè)女人幾次,她堂姐比她大六七歲煌集,她們長(zhǎng)得很像妓肢。她瘦了很多,臉上全是骨頭苫纤,鼻子和耳朵顯得很大碉钠。

It turned out to be an emotionally

? charged day. I went through the tunnel, I avoided the gas pump where Carmen

? worked with her husband, Roberto, and crossed the courtyard. My heart

? pounding, I climbed the crumbling stairs of the old building where I was born.

? Dede and Elsa were very excited, as if they were heading into some unknown

? adventure; I arrayed them in front of me and rang the bell. I heard the

? limping gait of my mother, she opened the door, she widened her eyes as if we

? were ghosts. I, too, in spite of myself, showed astonishment. The person I

? expected to see had come unglued from the one who was in fact before me. My

? mother was very changed. For a fraction of a second she seemed to be a cousin

? of hers whom I had seen a few times as a child, and who resembled her,

? although she was six or seven years older. She was much thinner, the bones of

? her face, her nose, her ears seemed enormous.

我想擁抱一下她,她躲開了卷拘。我父親不在喊废,佩佩和詹尼也不在,也根本打聽不到他們?cè)谧鍪裁蠢醯堋S幸粋€(gè)多小時(shí)污筷,她一個(gè)字都沒對(duì)我說,但她對(duì)兩個(gè)孩子很好乍赫。她說了很多她們的好話瓣蛀,給她們穿上了圍裙,讓她們不要把衣服弄臟雷厂,然后她帶著兩個(gè)孩子一起做糖果惋增。時(shí)間一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)過去,她就當(dāng)我不存在罗侯,這一點(diǎn)對(duì)我來說真的很尷尬器腋。當(dāng)我說兩個(gè)孩子吃太多糖了,我讓她們別吃了的時(shí)候,黛黛馬上對(duì)她外婆說:

I tried to hug her, she drew back. My

? father wasn’t there, nor were Peppe and Gianni. To find out anything about

? them was impossible, for a good hour she barely spoke a word to me. With the

? children she was affectionate. She praised them mightily and then, enveloping

? them in large aprons, she began making sugar candies with them. For me it was

? very awkward; the whole time she acted as if I weren’t there. When I tried to

? say to the children that they were eating too many candies, Dede quickly

? turned to her grandmother:

“我們還能再吃一點(diǎn)兒?jiǎn)崛宜俊?/p>

“Can we have some more?”

“你們想吃多少就吃多少诊县。”我母親連看我一眼都不看地說措左。

“Eat as many as you want,” my mother

? said, without looking at me.

兩個(gè)孩子問她能不能在院子里玩時(shí)依痊,也出現(xiàn)了同樣的場(chǎng)景。在佛羅倫薩怎披、熱內(nèi)亞胸嘁、米蘭,她們從來都沒有單獨(dú)出去過凉逛。我說:

The same scene was repeated when she told

? her grandchildren that they could go play in the courtyard. In Florence, in

? Genoa, in Milan I had never let them go out alone. I said:

“不性宏,孩子們,不能出去状飞,你們要在這里待著毫胜。”

“No, girls, you can’t, stay here.”

“外婆诬辈,我們可以去嗎酵使?”我的兩個(gè)女兒幾乎是異口同聲地問。

“Grandma, can we go?” my daughters asked,

? almost in unison.

“我跟你們說了焙糟,可以口渔。”

“I told you yes.”

我和我母親單獨(dú)在一起穿撮,我滿懷不安地對(duì)她說話缺脉,就像我還是一個(gè)孩子:

We remained alone. I said to her? anxiously, as if I were still a child:?

“我現(xiàn)在搬家了,住在塔索街上的一棟房子里悦穿∏瓜颍”

“I moved. I’ve taken an apartment on Via

? Tasso.”

“很好∵值常”

“Good.”

“已經(jīng)過來三天了≡赏觯”

“Three days ago.”

“很好傍衡。”

“Good.”

“我又寫了一本書负蠕⊥芄。”

“I’ve written another book.”

“那關(guān)我屁事兒?”

“What do I care?”

我不說話了遮糖。她做了一個(gè)很厭煩的表情绣的,然后把一個(gè)檸檬切成兩半,把檸檬汁擠到杯子里。

I was silent. With an expression of

? disgust, she cut a lemon in two and squeezed the juice into a glass.

“你為什么要喝檸檬水屡江?”我問芭概。

“Why are you having a lemonade?” I asked.

“因?yàn)榭吹侥悖屛椅咐锊皇娣图巍罢洲!?/p>

“Because seeing you turns my stomach.”

她在檸檬汁里加了一點(diǎn)水,又加了一些小蘇打文黎,一口氣把那杯冒著氣泡的水喝了惹苗。

She added water to the lemon, put in some

? bicarbonate of soda, drank the foamy effervescence in one gulp.

“你不舒服嗎?”

“Are you not well?”

“我很好耸峭∽兀”

“I’m very well.”

“這不是真的。你去看醫(yī)生了嗎劳闹?”

“It’s not true. Have you been to the

? doctor?”

“我才不會(huì)把錢浪費(fèi)在看醫(yī)生和買藥上面院究!”

“Imagine if I’ll throw away money on

? doctors and medicine.”

“埃莉莎不知道你生病了嗎?”

“Elisa knows you don’t feel well?”

“埃莉莎懷孕了玷或±苁祝”

“Elisa is pregnant.”

“為什么你們都沒對(duì)我說?”

“Why didn’t you or she tell me anything?”

她沒回答我偏友,她把杯子放進(jìn)洗碗池里蔬胯,很費(fèi)勁兒地喘了一口氣,用手背擦了一下嘴唇位他。我說:

She didn’t answer. She placed the glass

? on the sink with a long, tired sigh, wiped her lips with the back of her

? hand. I said:

“我?guī)闳タ瘁t(yī)生氛濒。你還有什么感覺?”

“I’ll take you to the doctor. What else

? do you feel?”

“這都是因?yàn)槟愕木壒识焖瑁驗(yàn)槟愕腻e(cuò)舞竿,我肚子里的一個(gè)血管破了×耄”

“Everything that you brought on. Because

? of you a vein in my stomach ruptured.”

“你在說什么骗奖?”

“What do you mean?”

“是的,你讓我傷透了心了醒串,身體也垮了执桌。”

“Yes, you’ve killed this body.”

“我很愛你芜赌,媽媽仰挣。”

“I love you very much, Mamma.”

“我不愛你缠沈,你只和兩個(gè)女兒來那不勒斯了膘壶?”

“Not me. You’ve come to stay in Naples

? with the children?”

“是的错蝴。”

“Yes.”

“你丈夫沒來颓芭?”

“And your husband’s not coming?”

“沒來顷锰。”

“No.”

“那以后我不會(huì)讓你進(jìn)門了畜伐♀扇牵”

“Then don’t ever show up in this house

? again.”

“媽,現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)和以前不一樣了玛界,一個(gè)人離開丈夫万矾,和另一個(gè)人在一起生活,也會(huì)是一個(gè)好女人慎框。你為什么那么生我的氣良狈?埃莉莎還沒結(jié)婚就已經(jīng)懷孕了,你怎么什么都不說笨枯?”

“Ma, today it’s not like it used to be.

? You can be a respectable person even if you leave your husband, even if you

? go with someone else. Why do you get so angry with me when you don’t say

? anything about Elisa, who’s pregnant and not married?”

“因?yàn)槟悴皇前@蛏蕉。@蛏幌衲悖线^那么多年學(xué)馅精。我對(duì)埃莉莎沒有對(duì)你的期待大严嗜。”

“Because you’re not Elisa. Did Elisa

? study the way you did? From Elisa did I expect what I expected from you?”

“你應(yīng)該對(duì)我所做的事情感到高興洲敢,現(xiàn)在格雷科已經(jīng)變得很有名了漫玄,在國(guó)外也已經(jīng)有一定的聲譽(yù)了⊙古恚”

“I’m doing things you should be happy

? about. Greco is becoming an important name. I even have a little reputation

? abroad.”

“你不要在我跟前炫耀你自己睦优,在我面前你誰都不是。你覺得特別了不起的事情壮不,對(duì)于一個(gè)普通人來說汗盘,什么都算不上。我在這個(gè)城區(qū)受人尊敬询一,并不是因?yàn)槲疑四阋酰且驗(yàn)槲疑税@蛏K龥]上過幾年學(xué)健蕊,連中學(xué)畢業(yè)證都沒有缓醋,但她已經(jīng)成為了一個(gè)闊太太。你呢绊诲?大學(xué)畢業(yè),你看看你現(xiàn)在成了什么樣子了褪贵?我只是為兩個(gè)孩子感到難過掂之,她們那么漂亮抗俄,話也說得很好。你有沒有想過她們世舰?跟她們的父親生活在一起动雹,她們會(huì)像電視里的孩子一樣長(zhǎng)大,你做了什么跟压?你把她們帶到了那不勒斯胰蝠?”

“Don’t boast to me, you’re nobody. What

? you think you are means nothing to normal people. I’m respected here not

? because I had you but because I had Elisa. She didn’t study, she didn’t even

? graduate from middle school, but she’s a lady. And you who have a university

? degree—where did you end up? I’m just sorry for the two children, so pretty

? and they speak so well. Didn’t you think of them? With that father they were

? growing up like children on television, and you, what do you do, you bring

? them to Naples?”

“是我在教育她們,而不是她們的父親震蒋。無論我把她們帶到哪里茸塞,她們都會(huì)一樣成長(zhǎng)〔槠剩”

“I’m the one who brought them up, Ma, not

? their father. And wherever I take them they’ll still grow up like that.”

“你太自以為是了钾虐,天吶!我在你身上犯了多少錯(cuò)誤笋庄。我一直以為傲氣的人是莉娜效扫,結(jié)果是你。你的朋友現(xiàn)在給她父母買了房子直砂,你呢菌仁?你的朋友指揮著所有人,甚至米凱萊·索拉拉都要聽她的静暂。你現(xiàn)在指揮著誰济丘?薩拉托雷家的那個(gè)混賬兒子?”

“You are presumptuous. Madonna, how many

? mistakes I made with you. I thought Lina was the presumptuous one, but it’s

? you. Your friend bought a house for her parents, did you do that? Your friend

? orders everyone around, even Michele Solara, and who do you order around,

? that piece of shit son of Sarratore?”

從這時(shí)候開始籍嘹,她說起了莉拉的各種好話:啊闪盔,莉娜真漂亮,莉娜真慷慨辱士,現(xiàn)在她已經(jīng)有了自己的一家公司泪掀,她和恩佐真的很能干。我明白颂碘,我現(xiàn)在的狀況讓她不得不承認(rèn)异赫,我沒有莉拉本事大,這就是我最大的罪過头岔。當(dāng)她說塔拳,她要做些吃的給黛黛和艾爾莎,并沒有說讓我吃峡竣。我意識(shí)到靠抑,她不愿意讓我在家里吃午飯,我覺得很苦澀适掰,就離開了颂碧。

At that point she began to sing Lila’s

? praises: Ah, how pretty Lina is, how generous, now she’s got her own

? business, no less, she and Enzo—they’ve known how to get ahead. I understood

? that the greatest sin she charged to me was forcing her to admit, with no way

? out, that I was worth less than Lila. When she said she wanted to cook

? something for Dede and Elsa, deliberately excluding me, I realized that it

? would pain her to invite me to lunch and, taking the children, I went away

? bitterly.

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