The affection and simplicity with which this was uttered so charmed me, that I sought (seek的過(guò)去式和過(guò)去分詞) to express my feelings by catching up the child and kissing her heartily.
She was frightened, and began to cry. "You should not do that," said Charlotte: I felt perplexed (不知所措的).
"Come, Jane," she continued, taking her hand, and leading her down the steps again, "it is no matter: wash yourself quickly in the fresh water."
I stood and watched them; and when I saw the little dear rubbing her cheeks with her wet hands, in full belief that all the impurities (雜質(zhì)) contracted from my ugly beard (胡須) would be washed off by the miraculous water,
and how, though Charlotte said it would do, she continued still to wash with all her might, as though she thought too much were better than too little, I assure you, Wilhelm, I never attended a baptism (洗禮) with greater reverence (敬意);{1}
and, when Charlotte came up from the well, I could have prostrated (拜倒的) myself as before the prophet (先知) of an Eastern nation.
In the evening I would not resist telling the story to a person who, I thought, possessed some natural feeling, because he was a man of understanding.
But what a mistake I made. He maintained it was very wrong of Charlotte, that we should not deceive (欺騙) children,
that such things occasioned (引起) countless mistakes and superstitions (迷信), from which we were bound to protect the young.
It occurred to me then, that this very man had been baptised (受洗禮) only a week before;
so I said nothing further, but maintained the justice of my own convictions.
We should deal with children as God deals with us, we are happiest under the influence of innocent delusions (幻想).
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JULY 8.
What a child is man that he should be so solicitous (熱切期望的) about a look! What a child is man!
We had been to Walheim: the ladies went in a carriage; but during our walk I thought I saw in Charlotte's dark eyes -- I am a fool -- but forgive me! you should see them, -- those eyes.
-- However, to be brief (for my own eyes are weighed down with sleep), you must know, when the ladies stepped into their carriage again, young W. Seldstadt, Andran, and I were standing about the door.
They are a merry set of fellows, and they were all laughing and joking together. I watched Charlotte's eyes.
They wandered from one to the other; but they did not light on me, on me, who stood there motionless (靜止的), and who saw nothing but her!
My heart bade (表示) her a thousand times adieu (再見(jiàn)), but she noticed me not. The carriage drove off; and my eyes filled with tears.
I looked after her: suddenly I saw Charlotte's bonnet leaning out of the window, and she turned to look back, was it at me?
My dear friend, I know not; and in this uncertainty I find consolation. Perhaps she turned to look at me. Perhaps! Good-night -- what a child I am!
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JULY l0.
You should see how foolish I look in company when her name is mentioned, particularly when I am asked plainly how I like her.
How I like her! I detest (憎恨) the phrase. What sort of creature must he be who merely liked Charlotte, whose whole heart and senses were not entirely absorbed by her.
Like her! Some one asked me lately how I liked Ossian.{2}
JULY 11.
Madame M-- is very ill. I pray for her recovery, because Charlotte shares my sufferings.
I see her occasionally at my friend's house, and to-day she has told me the strangest circumstance.
Old M-- is a covetous (貪婪的), miserly (吝嗇的) fellow, who has long worried and annoyed the poor lady sadly;
but she has borne (bear的過(guò)去分詞) her afflictions (苦難) patiently. A few days ago, when the physician informed us that her recovery was hopeless,
she sent for her husband (Charlotte was present), and addressed him thus: "I have something to confess, which, after my decease, may occasion trouble and confusion.
I have hitherto (迄今) conducted your household as frugally (節(jié)省地) and economically as possible, but you must pardon me for having defrauded (欺騙) you for thirty years.
At the commencement of our married life, you allowed a small sum for the wants of the kitchen, and the other household expenses.
When our establishment increased and our property grew larger, I could not persuade you to increase the weekly allowance in proportion:
in short, you know, that, when our wants were greatest, you required me to supply everything with seven florins a week.
I took the money from you without an observation, but made up the weekly deficiency from the money-chest;
as nobody would suspect your wife of robbing the household bank.
But I have wasted nothing, and should have been content to meet my eternal Judge without this confession,
if she, upon whom the management of your establishment will devolve after my decease, would be free from embarrassment upon your insisting that the allowance made to me, your former wife, was sufficient."{3}
I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable (不可思議的) manner in which men allow themselves to be blinded;
how any one could avoid suspecting some deception, when seven florins only were allowed to defray (支付) expenses twice as great.{4}
But I have myself known people who believed, without any visible astonishment, that their house possessed the prophet's never-failing cruse of oil.
JULY 13.
No, I am not deceived. In her dark eyes I read a genuine interest in me and in my fortunes. Yes, I feel it;
and I may believe my own heart which tells me -- dare I say it? -- dare I pronounce the divine words? -- that she loves me!
That she loves me! How the idea exalts (使得意) me in my own eyes!
And, as you can understand my feelings, I may say to you, how I honour myself since she loves me!
Is this presumption, or is it a consciousness of the truth? I do not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte;
and yet when she speaks of her betrothed (未婚夫) with so much warmth and affection, I feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles, and deprived of his sword.
JULY 16.
How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger, or my feet meet hers under the table!
I draw back as if from a furnace (火爐); but a secret force impels (驅(qū)使) me forward again, and my senses become disordered.
Her innocent, unconscious heart never knows what agony these little familiarities inflict upon me.
Sometimes when we are talking she Iays her hand upon mine, and in the eagerness of conversation comes closer to me, and her balmy breath reaches my lips,
-- when I feel as if lightning had struck me, and that I could sink into the earth.
And yet, Wilhelm, with all this heavenly confidence, -- if I know myself, and should ever dare -- you understand me.
No, no! my heart is not so corrupt (墮落的), it is weak, weak enough but is not that a degree of corruption?
She is to me a sacred being. All passion is still in her presence: I cannot express my sensations when I am near her.
I feel as if my soul beat in every nerve of my body. There is a melody which she plays on the piano with angelic (似天使的) skill, -- so simple is it, and yet so spiritual!
It is her favourite air; and, when she plays the first note, all pain, care, and sorrow disappear from me in a moment.
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I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music. How her simple song enchants (使迷惑) me!
Sometimes, when I am ready to commit suicide, she sings that air; and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over me are dispersed, and I breathe freely again.
JULY 18.
Wilhelm, what is the world to our hearts without love? What is a magic-lantern without light?
You have but to kindle the flame within, and the brightest figures shine on the white wall;
and, if love only show us fleeting (飛逝的) shadows, we are yet happy, when, like mere children, we behold them, and are transported with the splendid phantoms (幻影).
I have not been able to see Charlotte to-day. I was prevented by company from which I could not disengage myself.
What was to be done? I sent my servant to her house, that I might at least see somebody to-day who had been near her.
Oh, the impatience with which I waited for his return! the joy with which I welcomed him! I should certainly have caught him in my arms, and kissed him, if I had not been ashamed.
It is said that the Bonona stone, when placed in the sun, attracts the rays, and for a time appears luminous in the dark. So was it with me and this servant.{5}
The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance, his cheek, his very apparel, endeared them all inestimably to me,
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand crowns. His presence made me so happy!
Beware of laughing at me, Wilhelm. Can that be a delusion which makes us happy?
