-*-

9

對(duì)于我要去民政局結(jié)婚，而不是去教堂結(jié)婚篇裁，我家人的恐懼并不是一個(gè)晚上就能消散的箕慧，但那種恐懼慢慢淡了。第二天茴恰，我母親對(duì)我極端憤恨颠焦，就好像她觸碰的所有東西——咖啡壺、裝著牛奶的杯子往枣、糖罐子伐庭、一片新鮮的面包——都會(huì)讓她想砸到我的臉上，然而她沒(méi)有嚷嚷分冈。我無(wú)視她圾另，早上我很早出門(mén)了，我去辦給家里裝電話的手續(xù)雕沉。我匆忙辦完集乔，然后跑到阿爾巴港口，在那里逛書(shū)店坡椒。我決心要在很短的時(shí)間內(nèi)扰路，克服自己在公開(kāi)場(chǎng)合說(shuō)話時(shí)的羞怯，比如說(shuō)在米蘭的書(shū)店里的場(chǎng)面倔叼。我完全憑直覺(jué)一股腦選了一些書(shū)和雜志汗唱，花了不少錢(qián)。尼諾說(shuō)的話經(jīng)常會(huì)回響在我的腦海里丈攒，經(jīng)過(guò)多次遲疑之后哩罪，我最后選了弗洛伊德的《性學(xué)三論》，對(duì)于弗洛伊德巡验，我?guī)缀跻稽c(diǎn)都不了解际插，我知道的關(guān)于他的僅有一點(diǎn)理論，也讓我無(wú)法接受显设。我還買了兩本描寫(xiě)性的小冊(cè)子框弛。我想“研究”當(dāng)今世界，就像之前在學(xué)校里讀教科書(shū)敷硅、準(zhǔn)備考試功咒、寫(xiě)論文那樣愉阎，也好像我之前對(duì)待加利亞尼老師給我的報(bào)紙绞蹦，或者弗朗科在前些年給我的馬克思主義小冊(cè)子的方式力奋。很難說(shuō)清楚，那段時(shí)間我對(duì)世界的認(rèn)識(shí)幽七。我和帕斯卡萊聊過(guò)景殷，和尼諾聊過(guò)，我有點(diǎn)兒關(guān)注古巴和拉丁美洲發(fā)生的事澡屡，我了解城區(qū)無(wú)法回避的貧窮猿挚、莉拉的潰敗，還有學(xué)校把我的兩個(gè)弟弟開(kāi)除的事兒驶鹉，因?yàn)樗麄冊(cè)趯W(xué)習(xí)上不像我那么肯吃苦绩蜻。我還有過(guò)跟弗朗科長(zhǎng)時(shí)間的交談，還有和馬麗婭羅莎偶然的會(huì)面∈衣瘢現(xiàn)在办绝，所有這些都卷入了一道白煙里（這個(gè)世界非常不公平，需要得到改變姚淆，但無(wú)論是美蘇的和平共處孕蝉，還是歐洲工黨，尤其是意大利工黨的政治改革腌逢，都傾向于讓無(wú)產(chǎn)階級(jí)處于等待狀態(tài)降淮，讓他們保持附屬地位，都在給革命潑冷水搏讶，結(jié)局是世界陷入僵局佳鳖。假如社會(huì)民主黨獲勝，那么資本主義就會(huì)統(tǒng)治世界媒惕，工人階級(jí)也會(huì)成為消費(fèi)主義的一部分）腋颠。這些事刺激著我，時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)讓我很激動(dòng)吓笙。我強(qiáng)迫自己更新知識(shí)淑玫，了解時(shí)事，至少在剛開(kāi)始面睛，我的目的是想出風(fēng)頭絮蒿。長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)，我都相信叁鉴，所有一切都是可以學(xué)習(xí)的土涝，包括政治熱情。

My family’s horror at the idea of a civil

? union alone certainly was not exhausted that night, but it diminished. The

? next day my mother treated me as if anything she touched—the coffee pot, the

? cup with the milk, the sugar bowl, the fresh loaf of bread—were there only to

? lead her into the temptation to throw it in my face. Yet she didn’t start

? yelling again. As for me I ignored her; I left early in the morning, and went

? to start the paperwork for the installation of the telephone. Having taken

? care of that business I went to Port’Alba and wandered through the

? bookstores. I was determined, within a short time, to enable myself to speak

? with confidence when situations like the one in Milan arose. I chose journals

? and books more or less at random, and spent a lot of money. After many

? hesitations, influenced by that remark of Nino’s that kept coming to mind, I

? ended up getting Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality—I knew almost

? nothing of Freud and the little I knew irritated me—along with a couple of small

? books devoted to sex. I intended to do what I had done in the past with

? schoolwork, with exams, with my thesis, what I had done with the newspapers

? that Professor Galiani passed on to me or the Marxist texts that Franco had

? given me. I wanted to study the contemporary world. Hard to say what I had

? already taken in at that time. There had been the discussions with Pasquale,

? and also with Nino. There had been some attention paid to Cuba and Latin

? America. There was the incurable poverty of the neighborhood, the lost battle

? of Lila. There was school, which defeated my siblings because they were less

? stubborn than I was, less dedicated to sacrifice. There were the long

? conversations with Franco and occasional ones with Mariarosa, now jumbled

? together in a wisp of smoke. (The world is profoundly unjust and must be

? changed, but both the peaceful coexistence between American imperialism and

? the Stalinist bureaucracies, on the one hand, and the reformist politics of

? the European, and especially the Italian, workers’ parties, on the other, are

? directed at keeping the proletariat in a subordinate wait-*-see situation

? that throws water on the fire of revolution, with the result that if the

? global stalemate wins, if social democracy wins, it will be capital that

? triumphs through the centuries and the working class will fall victim to

? enforced consumerism.) These stimuli had functioned, certainly they had been

? working in me for a long time, occasionally they excited me. But driving that

? decision to bring myself up to date by forced marches was, at least at first,

? I think, the old urgency to succeed. I had long ago convinced myself that one

? can train oneself to anything, even to political passion.

在付錢(qián)買這些書(shū)時(shí)幌墓，我無(wú)意中看到我的小說(shuō)就擺在其中一個(gè)書(shū)架上但壮，我馬上把目光轉(zhuǎn)向了別的地方冀泻。每一次我在書(shū)店的櫥窗里看到我的書(shū)和其他那些剛剛出版的新書(shū)放在一起，我都會(huì)感到一種混合著害怕的自豪蜡饵，一種強(qiáng)烈的快感弹渔，但到最后都會(huì)變成不安。當(dāng)然溯祸，這本小說(shuō)是偶然產(chǎn)生的肢专，是我用二十天寫(xiě)成的，沒(méi)有花費(fèi)太大功夫焦辅，就好像那是一種化解抑郁的藥博杖。當(dāng)然，我知道什么是偉大的文學(xué)作品筷登，我花了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間研究古典文學(xué)剃根，我寫(xiě)這篇小說(shuō)時(shí)，我從來(lái)都沒(méi)有想過(guò)自己是在寫(xiě)一些有價(jià)值的東西前方，但我想找到一種表達(dá)方式狈醉，最后，我的這種宣泄變成了一本書(shū)——一本包含著我自己的東西×统螅現(xiàn)在舔糖，“我”就展示在那兒，我看著我自己莺匠，我胸口跳得非常厲害金吗。不僅僅是在我的書(shū)中，通常在那些小說(shuō)里趣竣，我都感覺(jué)有一種讓我激動(dòng)的東西摇庙，就像一顆赤裸的、跳躍的心臟遥缕，就是在遙遠(yuǎn)的過(guò)去卫袒，當(dāng)莉拉建議我們一起寫(xiě)一個(gè)故事時(shí)，我感到的那種心跳单匣。這個(gè)夢(mèng)想后來(lái)是我完成的夕凝。但這是我想要的嗎？寫(xiě)作户秤，寫(xiě)作不是隨意的事情码秉，要寫(xiě)得比之前好嗎？我要研究現(xiàn)在和過(guò)去的那些小說(shuō)鸡号，要了解小說(shuō)的寫(xiě)法转砖，要學(xué)習(xí)，學(xué)習(xí)這個(gè)世界上的所有東西鲸伴，唯一的目的就是要塑造那些非常真實(shí)的心靈府蔗，沒(méi)有人表現(xiàn)得像我那樣到位晋控，即使是莉拉，如果有機(jī)會(huì)姓赤，她也寫(xiě)不了那么好赡译。

As I was paying, I glimpsed my novel on a

? shelf, and immediately looked in another direction. Whenever I saw the book

? in a window, among other novels that had just come out, I felt inside a

? mixture of pride and fear, a dart of pleasure that ended in anguish.

? Certainly, the story had come into being by chance, in twenty days, without

? struggle, as a sedative against depression. Moreover, I knew what great

? literature was, I had done a lot of work in the classics, and it never

? occurred to me, while I was writing, that I was making something of value.

? But the effort of finding a form had absorbed me. And the absorption had

? become that book, an object that contained me. Now I was there, exposed, and

? seeing myself caused a violent pounding in my chest. I felt that not only in

? my book but in novels in general there was something that truly agitated me,

? a bare and throbbing heart, the same that had burst out of my chest in that

? distant moment when Lila had proposed that we write a story together. It had

? fallen to me to do it seriously. But was that what I wanted? To write, to

? write with purpose, to write better than I had already? And to study the

? stories of the past and the present to understand how they worked, and to

? learn, learn everything about the world with the sole purpose of constructing

? living hearts, which no one would ever do better than me, not even Lila if

? she had had the opportunity?

從書(shū)店出去后，我在加富爾廣場(chǎng)上停了一會(huì)兒模捂。那天天氣很好捶朵，弗里亞街的回廊由鋼柱支撐著蜘矢，看起來(lái)很穩(wěn)固狂男，要比平時(shí)干凈整潔。我像往常那樣品腹，非常仔細(xì)地讀起了剛買的書(shū)和報(bào)紙岖食。我從口袋里拿出我新買的筆記本，想要像真正的作家那樣舞吭，關(guān)注自己的思想泡垃，悉心觀察，記下一些有用的信息羡鸥。我從頭到尾看了一遍《團(tuán)結(jié)報(bào)》蔑穴，記下我不知道的事情。我在《橋報(bào)》上看到了彼得羅的父親的一篇文章惧浴，出于好奇存和，我仔細(xì)地讀完了。但我覺(jué)得衷旅，它不像尼諾說(shuō)的那么重要捐腿，那篇文章讓我覺(jué)得不舒服，有兩個(gè)原因：首先柿顶，圭多·艾羅塔使用的語(yǔ)言要比那個(gè)戴著厚眼鏡的教授所用的語(yǔ)言更加生硬；其次宪祥，文中有一段家乘，他提到了一些女大學(xué)生（“這是一個(gè)新群體烤低，”他寫(xiě)到肘交，“很明顯都不是富家女扑馁，那些小姐們穿著樸素的衣服，受到過(guò)一些樸素的教育涝登，她們希望通過(guò)努力學(xué)習(xí)胀滚，讓自己將來(lái)不用只待在家里。”）我覺(jué)得他在影射我施掏，他是故意的，或者說(shuō)不加考慮地寫(xiě)了這些。我把這一點(diǎn)也記在了我的筆記里（對(duì)于艾羅塔家人來(lái)說(shuō)锌历，我算什么呢？在他們寬闊的視野里卤材，我是不是一朵別在紐扣上的花？），這實(shí)在讓人心情好不起來(lái)卓练，我有些煩了嘱么，就開(kāi)始翻看《晚郵報(bào)》。

I came out of the bookshop, I stopped in

? Piazza Cavour. The day was fine, Via Foria seemed unnaturally clean and solid

? in spite of the scaffolding that shored up the Galleria. I imposed on myself

? the usual discipline. I took out a notebook that I had bought recently, I

? wished to start acting like a real writer, putting down thoughts,

? observations, useful information. I read l’Unità from beginning to end, I

? took notes on the things I didn’t know. I found the article by Pietro’s

? father in Il Ponte and skimmed it with curiosity, but it didn’t seem as

? important as Nino had claimed. Rather, it put me off for two reasons: first,

? Guido Airota used the same professorial language as the man with the thick

? eyeglasses but even more rigorously; second, in a passage in which he spoke

? about women students (“It’s a new crowd,” he wrote, “and by all the evidence

? they are not from well-*-mindedness?) and, not exactly in a good mood, in

? fact with some irritation, I began to leaf through the Corriere della Sera.

我記得，當(dāng)時(shí)天氣很溫和屿愚，我還記得——可能是我虛構(gòu)的穷遂，或者是真的——當(dāng)時(shí)的味道，就是油炸披薩混合著報(bào)紙的氣息忌穿。我一頁(yè)一頁(yè)地翻閱那些報(bào)刊郊愧，后來(lái)我看到了一個(gè)讓我喘不過(guò)氣的標(biāo)題眠寿，我的一張照片出現(xiàn)在四列密密的鉛字中間。從照片的背景狡逢，可以看到我們城區(qū)的一小部分明吩，還有隧道。文章的題目是《一個(gè)充滿野心的女孩的情色回憶——埃萊娜·格雷科的處女作》，后面的簽名正是那個(gè)戴著厚鏡片眼鏡的男人。

I remember that the air was warm, and

? I’ve preserved an olfactory memory—invented or real—a mixture of printed

? paper and fried pizza. Page after page I looked at the headlines, until one

? took my breath away. There was a photograph of me, set amid four dense

? columns of type. In the background was a view of the neighborhood, with the

? tunnel. The headline said: Salacious Memoirs of an Ambitious Girl: Elena

? Greco’s Début Novel. The byline was that of the man with the thick

? eyeglasses.

-*-

10

讀完那篇文章，我出了一身冷汗，感覺(jué)自己要暈過(guò)去了份殿。我的書(shū)在文章里只是引子，他要說(shuō)的是在最近這十年，在社會(huì)放前、文化和生產(chǎn)的各個(gè)領(lǐng)域，從工廠到辦公室吨些，還有大學(xué)、出版社、電影界屏轰，這一代年輕人全都缺乏價(jià)值榛做，是被慣壞的一代厘擂，整個(gè)世界都禮壞樂(lè)崩。他時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)引用我小說(shuō)中一些句子倔既，用雙引號(hào)標(biāo)出來(lái)佩谣，就是為了展示：我代表了這一代人，我是個(gè)糟糕教育的典型產(chǎn)物。在文章最后，他把我定義為虹脯，一個(gè)通過(guò)平庸的淫穢描寫(xiě)來(lái)掩蓋自己缺乏天分的小姑娘。

I was covered in a cold sweat while I

? read; I had the impression that I was close to fainting. My book was treated

? as an occasion to assert that in the past decade, in all areas of productive,

? social, and cultural life, from factories to offices, to the university,

? publishing, and cinema, an entire world had collapsed under the pressure of a

? spoiled youth, without values. Occasionally he cited some phrase of mine, in

? quotation marks, to demonstrate that I was a fitting exponent of my badly

? brought-up generation. In conclusion he called me “a girl concerned with

? hiding her lack of talent behind titillating pages of mediocre triviality.”

我哭了起來(lái)。自從那本書(shū)出版之后，那是我看到的最無(wú)情的抨擊彬犯，不是在一份地方報(bào)紙上，而是在一份在整個(gè)意大利銷售的報(bào)紙上宋列。最讓我難以忍受的是盗迟，我那張微笑的面孔艇纺，出現(xiàn)在這樣一篇毫不留情的文章中。我是走路回家的，在回家前氯材，我把報(bào)紙扔掉了，我很害怕我母親讀到那篇評(píng)論，然后會(huì)利用它來(lái)攻擊我。我想象她會(huì)把那篇文章剪下來(lái)，放進(jìn)她的剪報(bào)集里徙瓶，每一次我得罪她的時(shí)候织阅，她都會(huì)翻出來(lái)闹炉。

I burst into tears. It was the harshest

? thing I had read since the book came out, and not in a daily with a small

? circulation but in the most widely read newspaper in Italy. Most of all, the

? image of my smiling face seemed to me intolerable in the middle of a text so

? offensive. I walked home, not before getting rid of the Corriere. I was

? afraid my mother might read the review and use it against me. I imagined that

? she would have liked to put it, too, in her album, to throw in my face

? whenever I upset her.

我看到桌子上只擺放著我的餐具祥国。我父親在上班灼擂，我母親去鄰居家了睡腿，不知道去要什么東西，我的弟弟妹妹都已經(jīng)吃過(guò)飯了。我把面條和土豆放進(jìn)鍋里之后，開(kāi)始看我的那本書(shū)态贤。我很絕望地想：這本書(shū)也許真的沒(méi)任何價(jià)值胎撇，也許他們出這本書(shū)，只是想給阿黛爾一個(gè)面子慨亲。我怎么能寫(xiě)出這么平淡的句子愚铡，提出這么平庸的看法？真是太拙劣了，那么多沒(méi)用的引號(hào)吹泡。我再也不寫(xiě)了！我很沮喪，吃飯也是味同嚼蠟，我邊吃邊看著自己的書(shū)。這時(shí)候埃莉莎回來(lái)了，給了我一張紙條，那是斯帕紐洛太太給她的一個(gè)電話號(hào)碼。斯帕紐洛太太對(duì)我很熱情，我讓那些著急找我的人把電話打到她那兒。那張紙條上說(shuō)有我的三個(gè)電話，一個(gè)是吉娜·梅托蒂的，是負(fù)責(zé)出版社印刷的惩歉，一個(gè)是阿黛爾上遥，最后一個(gè)是彼得羅。

I found the table set only for me. My

? father was at work, my mother had gone to ask a neighbor for something or

? other, and my siblings had already eaten. As I ate pasta and potatoes I

? reread at random some passages of my book. I thought desperately: Maybe it

? really is worthless, maybe it was published only as a favor to Adele. How

? could I have come up with such pallid sentences, such banal observations? And

? how sloppy, how many useless commas; I won’t write anymore. Between disgust

? with the food and disgust with the book I was depressed, when Elisa arrived

? with a piece of paper. It came from Signora Spagnuolo, who had kindly agreed

? to let her telephone number be used by anyone who urgently needed to

? communicate with me. The piece of paper said that there had been three phone

? calls, one from Gina Medotti, who ran the press office at the publisher’s,

? one from Adele, and one from Pietro.

斯帕紐洛太太的筆跡歪歪扭扭燃异，看到這三個(gè)名字時(shí)，我覺(jué)得剛才心底里的想法變成了現(xiàn)實(shí)——那個(gè)眼鏡片厚厚的男人寫(xiě)的那些壞話?cǎi)R上傳播開(kāi)來(lái)了，在一天之內(nèi)就人盡皆知了。彼得羅已經(jīng)看了，他的家人也看了，出版社的編輯也看了。也許尼諾也看到了，甚至我在比薩的老師也看到了氏仗。當(dāng)然，這也會(huì)引起加利亞尼老師和她的幾個(gè)孩子的注意夺鲜。誰(shuí)知道呢皆尔，也許莉拉也看到了。我一下子哭了起來(lái)慷蠕，這讓埃莉莎很害怕珊拼。

The three names, written in Signora

? Spagnuolo’s labored handwriting, had the effect of giving concreteness to a

? thought that until a moment before had remained in the background: the

? terrible words of the man with the thick eyeglasses were spreading rapidly,

? and in the course of the day they would be everywhere. They had already been

? read by Pietro, by his family, by the directors of the publishing house.

? Maybe they had reached Nino. Maybe they were before the eyes of my professors

? in Pisa. Certainly they had come to the attention of Professor Galiani and

? her children. And who knows, even Lila might have read them. I burst into

? tears again, frightening Elisa.

“你怎么了？萊農(nóng)流炕？”

“What’s wrong, Lenù?”

“我覺(jué)得不舒服澎现。”

“I don’t feel well.”

“我給你泡一杯洋甘菊茶每辟？”

“Shall I make you some chamomile tea?”

“好吧剑辫。”

“Yes.”

她還沒(méi)來(lái)得及泡茶影兽，就有人敲門(mén)了揭斧，是斯帕紐洛太太。她非常高興峻堰，有點(diǎn)兒氣喘吁吁讹开，因?yàn)樗且豢跉馀郎蠘翘莸模f(shuō)我男朋友又打電話來(lái)了捐名，他還在電話那頭等著呢旦万，他聲音真好聽(tīng)，好聽(tīng)的北方口音镶蹋。我馬上跑下去接電話成艘，一邊對(duì)她表示歉意，說(shuō)打擾她了贺归。彼得羅想安慰我淆两，他說(shuō)他母親讓他告訴我，千萬(wàn)不要難過(guò)拂酣，重要的是有人談?wù)撨@本書(shū)秋冰。讓斯帕紐洛太太驚異的是——她一直覺(jué)得我是一個(gè)溫和的姑娘——我對(duì)著話筒吼道：“假如人們談這本書(shū)時(shí)，說(shuō)的全是壞話婶熬，你也讓我無(wú)動(dòng)于衷剑勾？”他又讓我平靜一下，然后補(bǔ)充說(shuō)：“明天在《團(tuán)結(jié)報(bào)》上會(huì)有一篇文章赵颅∷淞恚”我冷冰冰地掛上了電話，我說(shuō)：“最好誰(shuí)也不要理我饺谬∥娲蹋”

But there wasn’t time. Someone was

? knocking at the door, it was Rosa Spagnuolo. Cheerful, slightly out of breath

? from hurrying up the stairs, she said that my fiancé was again looking for

? me, he was on the telephone, what a lovely voice, what a lovely northern

? accent. I ran to answer, apologizing repeatedly for bothering her. Pietro

? tried to console me, he said that his mother urged me not to be upset, the

? main thing was that it talked about the book. But, surprising Signora

? Spagnuolo, who knew me as a meek girl, I practically screamed, What do I care

? if it talks about it if it says such terrible things? He urged me again to be

? calm and added: Tomorrow an article is coming out in l’Unità. I ended the

? call coldly, I said: It would be better if no one worried about me anymore.

一整晚，我無(wú)法閉眼。早上我忍不住跑去買了一份《團(tuán)結(jié)報(bào)》叠萍。在報(bào)刊亭前芝发，我就開(kāi)始翻閱，那是距離我曾經(jīng)的小學(xué)幾步遠(yuǎn)的一個(gè)報(bào)刊亭苛谷。我又一次看到了我的照片，還是《晚郵報(bào)》上刊登的那張格郁，這一次照片不是放在文章中間腹殿，而是在文章最上面，在標(biāo)題旁邊例书，標(biāo)題是：《年輕的反叛者和老反動(dòng)派——論埃萊娜·格雷科的新書(shū)》锣尉。是一個(gè)我從來(lái)沒(méi)聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)的作者寫(xiě)的，但那個(gè)人的文筆極好决采，他的話?cǎi)R上起到了療傷的作用自沧。他毫不吝嗇地贊美了我的小說(shuō)，批判了那個(gè)戴著厚眼鏡的權(quán)威教授树瞭。我回到家里拇厢，心里舒服一些了，甚至心情完全變好了晒喷。我翻閱著我的書(shū)孝偎，現(xiàn)在又覺(jué)得書(shū)寫(xiě)得很精彩，很和諧凉敲。我母親一臉譏諷地說(shuō)：“你是不是中了彩票衣盾？”我把那份報(bào)紙放在了廚房的桌子上，什么話也沒(méi)有說(shuō)爷抓。

I couldn’t close my eyes that night. In

? the morning I couldn’t contain myself and went out to get l’Unità. I leafed

? through it in a rush, still at the newsstand, a few steps from the elementary

? school. I was again confronted by a photograph of myself, the same that had

? been in the Corriere, not in the middle of the article this time but above

? it, next to the headline: Young Rebels and Old Reactionaries: Concerning the

? Book by Elena Greco. I had never heard of the author of the article, but it

? was certainly someone who wrote well, and his words acted as a balm. He

? praised my novel wholeheartedly and insulted the prestigious professor. I

? went home reassured, maybe even in a good mood. I paged through my book and

? this time it seemed to me well put together, written with mastery. My mother

? said sourly: Did you win the lottery? I left the paper on the kitchen table

? without saying anything.

在下午的時(shí)候势决，斯帕紐洛太太又出現(xiàn)了，她說(shuō)有人打電話給我蓝撇。面對(duì)我的尷尬果复、我的抱歉，她很高興地說(shuō)唉地，能給像我這樣的姑娘提供幫助据悔，她很高興，然后又說(shuō)了我很多好話耘沼〖牵“吉耀拉很不幸，”她在樓道里嘆息說(shuō)群嗤，“她十三歲時(shí)菠隆，她父親就讓她在索拉拉的甜食店里干活，還好她和米凱萊訂婚了，否則的話骇径，那真是要吃一輩子苦躯肌。”她打開(kāi)家門(mén)破衔，經(jīng)過(guò)走廊清女，把我?guī)У綊煸趬ι系碾娫捛懊妗Ｎ易⒁獾轿福€在電話前放了一把椅子嫡丙，讓我舒舒服服地坐著打電話：人們真是看得起那些念過(guò)書(shū)的人，大家都認(rèn)為读第，那些聰明孩子努力學(xué)習(xí)曙博，就是為了避免勞累的生活。我想怜瞒，我該怎么向這個(gè)女人解釋父泳，我從六歲開(kāi)始就成了文字和數(shù)字的奴隸，我的心情完全依賴這些文字組合吴汪，現(xiàn)在的這種愉悅是很罕見(jiàn)的惠窄，也是不穩(wěn)定的，可能只會(huì)持續(xù)一個(gè)小時(shí)浇坐、一個(gè)下午或者一個(gè)晚上睬捶。

In the late afternoon Signora Spagnuolo

? reappeared, I was wanted again on the telephone. In response to my

? embarrassment, my apologies, she said she was very happy to be able to be

? useful to a girl like me, she was full of compliments. Gigliola had been unlucky,

? she sighed on the stairs, her father had taken her to work in the Solaras’

? pastry shop when she was thirteen, and good thing she was engaged to Michele,

? otherwise she’d be slaving away her whole life. She opened the door and led

? me along the hall to the telephone that was attached to the wall. I saw that

? she had put a chair there so that I would be comfortable: what deference was

? shown to someone who is educated. Studying was considered a ploy used by the

? smartest kids to avoid hard work. How can I explain to this woman—I

? thought—that from the age of six I’ve been a slave to letters and numbers,

? that my mood depends on the success of their combinations, that the joy of

? having done well is rare, unstable, that it lasts an hour, an afternoon, a night?

“你看到了嗎？”阿黛爾問(wèn)我近刘。

“Did you read it?” Adele asked.

“是的擒贸。”

“Yes.”

“你高興嗎觉渴？”

“Are you pleased?”

“是的介劫。”

“Yes.”

“那我要告訴你一個(gè)好消息：你的書(shū)現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始賣起來(lái)了案淋，假如繼續(xù)這樣下去座韵，我們會(huì)加印√呔”

“Then I’ll give you another piece of good

? news: the book is starting to sell, if it keeps on like this we’ll reprint

? it.”

“什么意思誉碴？”

“What does that mean?”

“意思是，《晚郵報(bào)》上的那個(gè)朋友以為他能毀掉我們瓣距，但他其實(shí)幫了我們大忙黔帕。再見(jiàn)，埃萊娜蹈丸，享受你的成功吧成黄∧沤妫”

“It means that our friend in the Corriere

? thought he was destroying us and instead he worked for us. Bye, Elena, enjoy

? your success.”

-*-

11

在接下來(lái)的幾天里，我發(fā)現(xiàn)那本書(shū)真的火起來(lái)了奋岁，最明顯的標(biāo)志就是吉娜的電話頻繁起來(lái)了思瘟，她一會(huì)兒告訴我報(bào)紙上說(shuō)了什么，一會(huì)兒通知我闻伶，有哪些書(shū)店和文化沙龍邀請(qǐng)我滨攻。最后她總是會(huì)很熱情地說(shuō)一句：“書(shū)賣得很火，格雷科小姐虾攻，恭喜您铡买。”謝謝霎箍，我說(shuō)，但我一點(diǎn)兒也高興不起來(lái)澡为。我覺(jué)得漂坏，出現(xiàn)在報(bào)紙上的那些評(píng)論很膚淺，他們都是仿照《團(tuán)結(jié)報(bào)》上那篇文章的熱情洋溢媒至，或者《晚郵報(bào)》上的那篇文章的套路來(lái)寫(xiě)的顶别。盡管每一次吉娜都會(huì)向我重復(fù)說(shuō)，負(fù)面評(píng)論也會(huì)幫助這本書(shū)銷售拒啰，但這還是讓我很痛苦驯绎，我熱切地期望獲得贊同，去平衡那些批評(píng)谋旦，這會(huì)讓我心里舒服點(diǎn)兒剩失。我不再對(duì)我母親隱藏負(fù)面評(píng)論，我把所有評(píng)論册着，好的壞的拴孤，都交給她。她會(huì)皺著眉頭嘗試著讀一段甲捏，但她從來(lái)都看不過(guò)四五行演熟，要么會(huì)找茬跟我吵架，要么她會(huì)很煩司顿，馬上把文章收到她的剪報(bào)集里芒粹，那是她非常熱衷的事兒。她的目標(biāo)是要把整個(gè)集子填滿大溜，我沒(méi)東西給她時(shí)化漆，她也會(huì)抱怨，她不愿意留白猎提。

The book was selling really well, I

? realized in the following days. The most conspicuous sign was the increasing

? number of phone calls from Gina, who reported a notice in such-*-such a

? newspaper, or announced some invitation from a bookstore or cultural group,

? without ever forgetting to greet me with the kind words: The book is taking

? off, Dottoressa Greco, congratulations. Thank you, I said, but I wasn’t

? happy. The articles in the newspapers seemed superficial, they confined

? themselves to applying either the enthusiastic matrix of l’Unità or the

? ruinous one of the Corriere. And although Gina repeated on every occasion

? that even negative reviews were good for sales, those reviews nevertheless

? wounded me and I would wait anxiously for a handful of favorable comments to

? offset the unfavorable ones and feel better. In any case, I stopped hiding

? the malicious reviews from my mother; I handed them all over, good and bad.

? She tried to read them, spelling them out with a stern expression, but she

? never managed to get beyond four or five lines before she either found a

? point to quarrel with or, out of boredom, took refuge in her mania for

? collecting. Her aim was to fill the entire album and, afraid of being left

? with empty pages, she complained when I had nothing to give her.

那段時(shí)間获三，最讓我痛苦的評(píng)論出現(xiàn)在《羅馬報(bào)》上旁蔼。那個(gè)作者亦步亦趨地模仿《晚郵報(bào)》上的文章，是一種非常浮夸的文體疙教，在最后一部分棺聊，他反復(fù)強(qiáng)調(diào)一個(gè)主題，就是現(xiàn)在這些女人正在失去控制贞谓，看看埃萊娜·格雷科的淫穢小說(shuō)限佩，就能意識(shí)到這一點(diǎn)，簡(jiǎn)直是粗鄙不堪的《你好裸弦，憂愁祟同！》

? [1]

? 的下腳料組成。最讓我痛苦的不是那段評(píng)論理疙，而是文章后面的簽名晕城。這篇文章是尼諾的父親多納托·薩拉托雷寫(xiě)的。我想起了小時(shí)候窖贤，那個(gè)男人多么讓我震撼砖顷，因?yàn)樗且槐驹?shī)集的作者；當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)他在報(bào)紙上寫(xiě)文章時(shí)赃梧，對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)滤蝠，他好像頭上戴著一個(gè)耀眼的光環(huán)。但現(xiàn)在他為什么要寫(xiě)這篇評(píng)論授嘀？他想報(bào)復(fù)我物咳，因?yàn)樗谛≌f(shuō)中的那個(gè)騷擾女主人公的已婚男人身上看到了自己的影子？我真想打電話給他蹄皱，用最骯臟的方言罵他一頓览闰，最后我放棄了。因?yàn)槲蚁氲搅四嶂Z夯接，我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一件重要的事：他的經(jīng)歷和我很相似焕济。我們倆都拒絕成為家人的樣子：我從小就開(kāi)始嘗試和我母親拉開(kāi)距離，而他已經(jīng)和他父親斷絕關(guān)系了盔几。這種相似性給我?guī)?lái)了安慰晴弃，我的怒氣慢慢消了。

The review that at the time wounded me

? most deeply appeared in Roma. Paragraph by paragraph, it retraced the one in

? the Corriere, but in a florid style that at the end fanatically hammered at a

? single concept: women are losing all restraint, one has only to read Elena

? Greco’s indecent novel to understand it, a novel that is a cheap version of

? the already vulgar Bonjour Tristesse. What hurt me, though, was not the

? content but the byline. The article was by Nino’s father, Donato Sarratore. I

? thought of how impressed I had been as a girl by the fact that that man was

? the author of a book of poems; I thought of the glorious halo I had enveloped

? him in when I discovered that he wrote for the newspapers. Why that review?

? Did he wish to get revenge because he recognized himself in the obscene

? family man who seduces the protagonist? I was tempted to call him and insult

? him atrociously in dialect. I gave it up only because I thought of Nino, and

? made what seemed an important discovery: his experience and mine were

? similar. We had both refused to model ourselves on our families: I had been

? struggling forever to get away from my mother, he had burned his bridges with

? his father. This similarity consoled me, and my rage slowly diminished.

但我沒(méi)有意識(shí)到逊拍，在我們的城區(qū)里上鞠，《羅馬報(bào)》是人們讀得最多的報(bào)紙，我在當(dāng)天晚上就發(fā)現(xiàn)了芯丧。藥劑師的兒子吉諾芍阎，因?yàn)榻?jīng)常去健身房舉鐵，已經(jīng)成了一個(gè)肌肉發(fā)達(dá)的青年了缨恒，當(dāng)我晚上經(jīng)過(guò)他父親的藥房門(mén)口時(shí)谴咸，他站在門(mén)檻那里轮听，盡管還沒(méi)有畢業(yè)，他穿著一件醫(yī)生穿的白大褂岭佳。他搖晃著那份報(bào)紙血巍，叫了我一聲，用了相當(dāng)嚴(yán)肅的語(yǔ)氣珊随，因?yàn)樗谛路ㄎ魉股鐣?huì)運(yùn)動(dòng)黨內(nèi)部小有成就：“他們寫(xiě)你什么述寡，你看到了嗎？”我為了不讓他稱心叶洞，就回答說(shuō)：“他們寫(xiě)得太多了鲫凶。”然后我擺了擺手衩辟，就走了過(guò)去螟炫。他有些迷茫，嘟囔了一句什么艺晴，然后帶著明顯的惡意說(shuō)：“我倒要看看你的這本書(shū)不恭，我知道，那是非常有意思的一本書(shū)财饥。”

But I hadn’t taken into account that, in

? the neighborhood, Roma was read more than any other newspaper. I found out

? that evening. Gino, the pharmacist’s son, who lifted weights and had become a

? muscular young man, looked out from the doorway of his father’s shop just as

? I was passing, in a white pharmacist’s smock even though he hadn’t yet taken

? his degree. He called to me, holding out the paper, and said, in a fairly

? serious tone, because he had recently moved up a little in the local section

? of the neo-fascist Italian Social Movement party: Did you see what they’re

? writing about you? In order not to give him the satisfaction, I answered,

? they write all sorts of things, and went on with a wave. He was flustered,

? and stammered something, then he said, with explicit malice: I’ll have to

? read that book of yours, I understand it’s very interesting.

那只是一個(gè)開(kāi)始折晦。第二天钥星，我走在路上，米凱萊·索拉拉走近我满着，說(shuō)要請(qǐng)我喝一杯咖啡谦炒。我們進(jìn)了他的酒吧，吉耀拉一言不發(fā)地給我們準(zhǔn)備咖啡风喇，很顯然宁改，看到我和她男朋友一起出現(xiàn)，讓她很煩魂莫。這時(shí)候还蹲，米凱萊說(shuō)：“萊農(nóng)，吉諾讓我看了一篇文章耙考，上面說(shuō)你寫(xiě)了一本成人小說(shuō)谜喊，禁止十八歲以下的小孩看【胧迹看看吧斗遏，誰(shuí)能想到呢，這就是你在比薩學(xué)到的鞋邑？這就是大學(xué)教給你的東西诵次？我簡(jiǎn)直不敢想象账蓉。我覺(jué)得，你和莉娜兩個(gè)人有一個(gè)秘密協(xié)議：她做那些壞事兒逾一，你寫(xiě)出來(lái)铸本。是不是這樣？告訴我真相嬉荆」榫矗”我一下子臉紅了，我沒(méi)等到咖啡上來(lái)鄙早，就和吉耀拉打了個(gè)招呼走了汪茧。他在我身后，打趣地喊道：“怎么啦限番，你生氣啦舱污，不要走，我是開(kāi)玩笑的弥虐±┑疲”

That was only the start. The next day

? Michele Solara came up to me on the street and insisted on buying me a

? coffee. We went into his bar and while Gigliola served us, without saying a

? word, in fact obviously annoyed by my presence and perhaps also by her

? boyfriend’s, he began: Lenù, Gino gave me an article to read where it says

? you wrote a book that’s banned for those under eighteen. Imagine that, who

? would have expected it. Is that what you studied in Pisa? Is that what they

? taught you at the university? I can’t believe it. In my opinion you and Lina

? made a secret agreement: she does nasty things and you write them. Is that

? right? Tell me the truth. I turned red, I didn’t wait for the coffee, I waved

? to Gigliola and left. He called after me, laughing: What’s the matter, you’re

? offended, come here, I was joking.

沒(méi)過(guò)多久，我就遇到了卡門(mén)·佩盧索霜瘪。我母親讓我去卡拉奇家的新肉食店里買東西珠插，因?yàn)槟抢锏挠捅阋恕．?dāng)時(shí)是下午颖对，店里沒(méi)有別的顧客捻撑，卡門(mén)說(shuō)了我很多恭維話。你真棒扮偷住顾患！她嘀咕說(shuō)，做你的朋友真是榮幸个唧，是我這輩子唯一的幸運(yùn)江解。最后她說(shuō)，她看了薩拉托雷的文章徙歼，因?yàn)橛袀€(gè)供貨商把一份《羅馬報(bào)》忘在了店里了犁河。她說(shuō)，薩拉托雷真不是個(gè)好東西鲁沥。我覺(jué)得她的憤慨很真誠(chéng)呼股。她說(shuō)，她哥哥帕斯卡萊讓她看了一篇《團(tuán)結(jié)報(bào)》上的文章，寫(xiě)得非常非常好，而且配了一張很漂亮的照片椭微。你很漂亮愧怜，她說(shuō)缠局，你做的每樣事情都讓人羨慕则奥。她從我母親那里得知，我很快會(huì)和一位大學(xué)教授結(jié)婚狭园，然后去佛羅倫薩生活读处，要住在一套很闊氣的房子里。她也會(huì)結(jié)婚唱矛，是和在大路上的加油站工作的一個(gè)男人罚舱，但不知道會(huì)是在什么時(shí)候，他們都沒(méi)有錢(qián)绎谦。后來(lái)管闷，她忽然就說(shuō)起了艾達(dá)，而且有很多怨言窃肠。艾達(dá)取代了莉拉包个，和斯特凡諾在一起之后，事情就變得更糟糕了冤留，艾達(dá)在兩家肉食店里都趾高氣揚(yáng)碧囊，而且特別針對(duì)她，說(shuō)她偷東西纤怒，對(duì)她指手畫(huà)腳糯而，監(jiān)視她。因此泊窘，她實(shí)在忍受不了了歧蒋，她想辭職，去她未來(lái)丈夫的加油站里工作州既。

Soon afterward I had an encounter with

? Carmen Peluso. My mother had obliged me to go to the Carraccis’ new grocery,

? because oil was cheaper there. It was afternoon, there were no customers,

? Carmen was full of compliments. How well you look, she said, it’s an honor to

? be your friend, the only good luck I’ve had in my whole life. Then she said

? that she had read Sarratore’s article, but only because a supplier had left

? Roma behind in the shop. She described it as spiteful, and her indignation

? seemed genuine. On the other hand, her brother, Pasquale, had given her the

? article in l’Unità—really, really good, such a nice picture. You’re

? beautiful, she said, in everything you do. She had heard from my mother that

? I was going to marry a university professor and that I was going to live in

? Florence in a luxurious house. She, too, was getting married, to the owner of

? the gas pump on the stradone, but who could say when, they had no money.

? Then, without a break, she began complaining about Ada. Ever since Ada had

? taken Lila’s place with Stefano, things had gone from bad to worse. She acted

? like the boss in the grocery stores, too, and had it in for her, accused her

? of stealing, ordered her around, watched her closely. She couldn’t take it

? anymore, she wanted to quit and go to work at her future husband’s gas pump.

我很認(rèn)真地聽(tīng)她說(shuō)，我記得萝映，以前安東尼奧想和我結(jié)婚吴叶，我們也想在加油站給人加油。我把這件事情告訴了她序臂，是想讓她開(kāi)心一下蚌卤。但她臉色陰沉下來(lái)了，嘟囔著說(shuō)：“是的奥秆，怎么不行逊彭，你在加油站給人加油！真是不可想象构订，你真是運(yùn)氣好侮叮，擺脫了這個(gè)困境〉狂”最后她說(shuō)了一些很模糊的話：“這世界太不公平了囊榜，萊農(nóng)审胸！太不公平了！需要改變這種處境卸勺，大家都受不了了砂沛。”她說(shuō)話時(shí)曙求，從抽屜里拿出了一本我的書(shū)碍庵，封面已經(jīng)變得臟兮兮、亂糟糟的悟狱。這是我在城區(qū)看到的第一本我的書(shū)静浴，讓我震撼的是，剛開(kāi)始那幾頁(yè)已經(jīng)變得黑乎乎的芽淡，蓬起來(lái)了马绝，但后面的紙張都還潔白緊致≌醴疲“我晚上看幾頁(yè)富稻，”她對(duì)我說(shuō)，“或者沒(méi)有客人的時(shí)候白胀，但我現(xiàn)在才看到三十二頁(yè)椭赋，我時(shí)間太少了，所有活兒都是由我來(lái)干或杠，卡拉奇家的人讓我從早上六點(diǎn)干到晚上九點(diǎn)哪怔。”后來(lái)向抢，她忽然有些不懷好意地問(wèn)我：“到那些比較惹火的章節(jié)认境，我還要看多久？”

I listened closely, I remembered when

? Antonio and I wanted to get married and, similarly, have a gas pump. I told

? her about it, to amuse her, but she muttered, darkening: Yes, why not, just

? imagine it, you at a gas pump, lucky you who got yourself out of this

? wretchedness. Then she made some obscure comments: there’s too much

? injustice, Lenù, too much, it has to end, we can’t go on like this. And as

? she was talking she pulled out of a drawer my book, with the cover all

? creased and dirty. It was the first copy I’d seen in the hands of anyone in

? the neighborhood, and I was struck by how bulging and grimy the early pages

? were, how flat and white the others. I read a little at night, she said, or

? when there aren’t any customers. But I’m still on page 32, I don’t have time,

? I have to do everything, the Carraccis keep me shut up here from six in the

? morning to nine in the evening. Then suddenly she asked, slyly, how long does

? it take to get to the dirty pages? How much do I still have to read?

那些惹火的章節(jié)挟鸠。

The dirty pages.

過(guò)了一會(huì)兒叉信，我遇到了懷抱著瑪麗亞的艾達(dá)，瑪麗亞是斯特凡諾的女兒艘希。在卡門(mén)給我講了那一通話之后硼身，我很難對(duì)艾達(dá)客氣起來(lái)。我恭維了一下她的女兒覆享，我說(shuō)孩子的衣服很漂亮佳遂，耳環(huán)也很美。但艾達(dá)有些不耐煩撒顿，她跟我說(shuō)了安東尼奧的情況丑罪，說(shuō)他們開(kāi)始通信了，他在信里說(shuō)，他結(jié)婚生子了巍糯，但那不是真的啸驯。她說(shuō)，我讓安東尼奧的頭腦壞掉了祟峦，他現(xiàn)在不會(huì)愛(ài)別人了罚斗。然后她又說(shuō)到了我的小說(shuō)。我沒(méi)看宅楞，她首先向我申明针姿，但我聽(tīng)說(shuō)那本書(shū)不適合放在家里。然后她好像有些氣憤地說(shuō)：“如果孩子長(zhǎng)大了厌衙，看到那本書(shū)距淫，那怎么辦？我很抱歉婶希，我不會(huì)買的榕暇。”最后她補(bǔ)充說(shuō)：“但我很高興你能賺錢(qián)喻杈，祝你好運(yùn)彤枢。”

A little while later I ran into Ada

? carrying Maria, her daughter with Stefano. I struggled to be friendly, after

? what Carmen had told me. I praised the child, I said her dress was pretty and

? her earrings adorable. But Ada was aloof. She spoke of Antonio, she said they

? wrote to each other, it wasn’t true that he was married and had children, she

? said I had ruined his brain and his capacity to love. Then she started on my

? book. She hadn’t read it, she explained, but she had heard that it wasn’t a

? book to have in the house. And she was almost angry: Say the child grows up

? and finds it, what can I do? I’m sorry, I won’t buy it. But, she added, I’m

? glad you’re making money, good luck.

-*-

12

這樣的事情一件接著一件發(fā)生筒饰，這讓我懷疑缴啡，這本書(shū)之所以賣得很火，是因?yàn)闊o(wú)論那些充滿敵意的報(bào)紙瓷们，還是支持我的報(bào)紙业栅，都指出了這本書(shū)里有一些大膽的性描寫(xiě)。我甚至覺(jué)得谬晕，尼諾提到了莉拉在性方面的問(wèn)題碘裕，是因?yàn)樗X(jué)得和一個(gè)寫(xiě)出類似內(nèi)容的人，可以隨便談?wù)撨@些話題攒钳。在當(dāng)時(shí)的情況下娘汞，我非常想見(jiàn)莉拉，我想夕玩，不知道莉拉會(huì)不會(huì)像卡門(mén)那樣，也找了一本來(lái)看惊豺。我想象：晚上燎孟，在工廠干完活之后，恩佐孤單單一個(gè)人在房間里尸昧，她帶著孩子在另一個(gè)房間揩页，盡管已經(jīng)累得筋疲力盡了，但她還想看我寫(xiě)的書(shū)烹俗，她抿著嘴爆侣，皺著眉頭在看那本書(shū)萍程，帶著她專注于某件事時(shí)的表情。對(duì)這本書(shū)兔仰，她會(huì)做出什么評(píng)價(jià)呢茫负？她會(huì)不會(huì)也覺(jué)得，這本書(shū)火起來(lái)乎赴，只是因?yàn)橛袔醉?yè)比較過(guò)火的描寫(xiě)忍法？但是，她也許并沒(méi)看這本書(shū)榕吼，我懷疑她沒(méi)有錢(qián)買饿序，我應(yīng)該帶一本給她。我開(kāi)始覺(jué)得這是一個(gè)好主意羹蚣，后來(lái)我放棄了原探。我還是覺(jué)得，莉拉是我生命中最重要的人顽素，但我就是無(wú)法下決心去找她咽弦，我沒(méi)時(shí)間，我需要盡快學(xué)會(huì)很多東西戈抄。而且离唬，我想到了我們最后一次見(jiàn)面的情景：她的大衣外面套著一件圍裙，在工廠的院子里划鸽，她站在篝火前输莺，把《藍(lán)色仙女》扔在火里燒掉了——那是她和童年的最后告別，我們之間的路已經(jīng)越來(lái)越遠(yuǎn)了裸诽。也許她會(huì)告訴我：“你看到我的生活了吧嫂用？我沒(méi)時(shí)間看你寫(xiě)的書(shū)≌啥”我想嘱函，我還是繼續(xù)走自己的路吧。

These episodes, one after the other, led

? me to suspect that the book was selling because both the hostile newspapers

? and the favorable ones had indicated that there were some risqué passages. I

? went so far as to think that Nino had alluded to Lila’s sexuality only

? because he thought that there was no problem in discussing such things with

? someone who had written what I had written. And via that path the desire to

? see my friend returned. Who knows, I said to myself, if Lila had the book, as

? Carmen did. I imagined her at night, after the factory—Enzo in solitude in

? one room, she with the baby beside her in the other—exhausted and yet intent

? on reading me, her mouth half open, wrinkling her forehead the way she did

? when she was concentrating. How would she judge it? Would she, too, reduce

? the novel to the dirty pages? But maybe she wasn’t reading it at all, I

? doubted that she had the money to buy a copy, I ought to take her one as a

? present. For a while it seemed to me a good idea, then I forgot about it. I

? still cared more about Lila than about any other person, but I couldn’t make

? up my mind to see her. I didn’t have time, there were too many things to

? study, to learn in a hurry. And then the end of our last visit—in the

? courtyard of the factory, she with that apron under her coat, standing in

? front of the bonfire where the pages of The Blue Fairy were burning—had been

? a decisive farewell to the remains of childhood, the confirmation that our

? paths by now diverged, and maybe she would say: I don’t have time to read

? you, you see the life I have? I went my own way.

無(wú)論是出于什么原因埂蕊，那本書(shū)真的賣得越來(lái)越好了往弓。有一次，阿黛爾打電話給我蓄氧，她還是用那種混雜著諷刺和溫情的語(yǔ)氣對(duì)我說(shuō)：“假如繼續(xù)這樣下去函似，你要發(fā)大財(cái)了，不知道到時(shí)候你會(huì)拿可憐的彼得羅怎么辦喉童∑材”然后她把電話給了她丈夫。她說(shuō)，圭多想和你說(shuō)幾句蔑担。我很激動(dòng)牌废，我和艾羅塔教授說(shuō)話的次數(shù)很少，我覺(jué)得很尷尬啤握。但彼得羅的父親非衬衤疲客氣，他對(duì)我的成功表示祝賀恨统，還開(kāi)玩笑說(shuō)叁扫，那些批判我的人太保守了，他提到了意大利漫長(zhǎng)的中世紀(jì)畜埋，他贊揚(yáng)我對(duì)意大利的現(xiàn)代化做出了貢獻(xiàn)莫绣，以及其他諸如此類的話。他沒(méi)有具體談?wù)撊魏侮P(guān)于小說(shuō)的內(nèi)容悠鞍，他當(dāng)然沒(méi)看過(guò)那本書(shū)对室，他非常忙，但無(wú)論如何咖祭，他能肯定我掩宜、欣賞我，這讓我很高興么翰。

Whatever the reason, the book really was

? doing better and better. Once Adele telephoned and, with her usual mixture of

? irony and affection, said: If it keeps going like this you’ll get rich and

? you won’t know what to do with poor Pietro anymore. Then she passed me on to

? her husband, no less. Guido, she said, wants to talk to you. I was agitated,

? I had had very few conversations with Professor Airota and they made me feel

? awkward. But Pietro’s father was very friendly, he congratulated me on my

? success, he spoke sarcastically about the sense of decency of my detractors,

? he talked about the extremely long duration of the dark ages in Italy, he

? praised the contribution I was making to the modernization of the country,

? and so on with other formulas of that sort. He didn’t say anything specific

? about the novel; surely he hadn’t read it, he was a very busy man. But it was

? nice that he wanted to give me a sign of approval and respect.

馬麗婭羅莎對(duì)我也熱情洋溢牺汤，說(shuō)了很多贊賞的話。剛開(kāi)始浩嫌，她好像要跟我談?wù)撐业臅?shū)檐迟，但后來(lái)她改變了話題，用非常激動(dòng)的聲音對(duì)我說(shuō)码耐，她想請(qǐng)我去米蘭國(guó)立大學(xué)追迟，她覺(jué)得我非常有必要參加那里的運(yùn)動(dòng)——難以抵擋的潮流！你明天就出發(fā)骚腥，她激勵(lì)我說(shuō)敦间，你看到法國(guó)發(fā)生什么了嗎？我當(dāng)然知道束铭，我一直在聽(tīng)收音機(jī)廓块，那是一臺(tái)臟兮兮、油乎乎的藍(lán)色收音機(jī)契沫，是我母親放在廚房里的带猴。我說(shuō)，我知道埠褪，太棒了！在巴黎第十大學(xué)、拉丁區(qū)的街壘钞速。但她好像比我知道得更多贷掖，而且還參與其中。她想和其他幾個(gè)同伴一起去巴黎渴语，她讓我和她開(kāi)車去苹威。我有些心動(dòng)，我說(shuō)好吧驾凶，我會(huì)考慮的牙甫。去米蘭，然后去法國(guó)调违，抵達(dá)鬧著學(xué)潮的巴黎窟哺，面對(duì)粗暴的警察，整個(gè)人投身于最近幾個(gè)月最熾熱的運(yùn)動(dòng)中去技肩！出國(guó)且轨，繼續(xù)幾年前我和弗朗科走過(guò)的那條路。如果我能和馬麗婭羅莎一起出發(fā)虚婿，那該多好靶荨！她是我認(rèn)識(shí)的唯一一個(gè)開(kāi)放的女孩然痊，現(xiàn)在至朗，她可以完全投身于這個(gè)世界上的運(yùn)動(dòng)，她像男人一樣剧浸，已經(jīng)徹底掌握了政治語(yǔ)言锹引。我欣賞她，沒(méi)有哪個(gè)女孩子像她一樣辛蚊，勇敢地破壞舊世界粤蝎。那些年輕的英雄——魯?shù)稀ざ牌蹩恕⒌つ釥枴た住け镜洗恚麄兡苊爸ｋU(xiǎn)初澎，來(lái)面對(duì)反革命的暴力，就好像戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)片里那樣虑凛，只有男人做得到碑宴，女人很難模仿他們，只能愛(ài)他們桑谍，理解和跟隨他們的思想延柠，為他們的命運(yùn)而痛苦。我想到锣披，馬麗婭羅莎的那些同伴之中可能會(huì)有尼諾贞间，他們互相認(rèn)識(shí)贿条，這也可能。啊增热，遇到尼諾整以，和他一起投身于那場(chǎng)運(yùn)動(dòng)之中，和他一起冒險(xiǎn)峻仇，那真是無(wú)法想象公黑。那一天就這樣過(guò)去了。廚房里非常安靜摄咆，我父母在睡覺(jué)凡蚜，兩個(gè)弟弟還在外面閑逛，埃莉莎關(guān)在洗澡間里洗澡吭从。出發(fā)朝蜘，我明天早上就啟程。

Mariarosa was no less affectionate, and

? she, too, was full of praise. At first she seemed on the point of talking in

? detail about the book, then she changed the subject excitedly, she said she

? wanted to invite me to the university: it seemed to her important that I

? should take part in what she called the unstoppable flow of events. Leave

? tomorrow, she urged, have you seen what’s happening in France? I knew all

? about it, I clung to an old blue grease-*-minded, so modern, completely in

? touch with the realities of the world, almost as much a master of political

? speech as the men. I admired her, there were no women who stood out in that

? chaos. The young heroes who faced the violence of the reactions at their own

? peril were called Rudi Dutschke, Daniel Cohn-Bendit, and, as in war films

? where there were only men, it was hard to feel part of it; you could only

? love them, adapt their thoughts to your brain, feel pity for their fate. It

? occurred to me that among Mariarosa’s friends there might also be Nino. They

? knew each other, it was possible. Ah, to see him, to be swept into that

? adventure, expose myself to dangers along with him. The day passed like that.

? The kitchen was silent now, my parents were sleeping, my brothers were still

? out wandering in the streets, Elisa was in the bathroom, washing. To leave,

? tomorrow morning.

-*-

13

我出發(fā)了影锈，但不是去巴黎芹务。經(jīng)過(guò)那年風(fēng)波不斷的政治選舉之后，吉娜讓我到處去推廣我的書(shū)鸭廷，從佛羅倫薩開(kāi)始枣抱。我先是受邀到師范學(xué)院，邀請(qǐng)我的女教授是艾羅塔家一個(gè)朋友的朋友辆床。在充滿動(dòng)蕩氣息的大學(xué)里佳晶，我給三十幾個(gè)男女學(xué)生做了一場(chǎng)講座。首先讓我感到意外的是讼载，很多女生轿秧，比我公公在報(bào)紙上寫(xiě)的還要糟糕：她們穿衣打扮都很低俗，在表達(dá)自己時(shí)過(guò)于激動(dòng)咨堤、語(yǔ)言混亂菇篡，總因?yàn)榭荚嚨氖聝荷鷼猓瑢?duì)老師很不滿一喘。在那位教授的引導(dǎo)下驱还，我談?wù)摿藢W(xué)生運(yùn)動(dòng)，還有法國(guó)發(fā)生的事情凸克，我很振奮议蟆。我炫耀了我學(xué)到的東西，我對(duì)自己很滿意萎战，我覺(jué)得自己的表述很清晰咐容，充滿自信。那些女生非常欣賞我說(shuō)話的方式蚂维，還有我懂得的很多事情戳粒，以及我在陳述世界的那些復(fù)雜問(wèn)題的能力路狮，我說(shuō)得井井有條。但我很快意識(shí)到蔚约，我盡量避免提到自己的書(shū)览祖，談到我的書(shū)會(huì)讓我很不自在，我很害怕出現(xiàn)類似在我們城區(qū)里我的那種反應(yīng)炊琉，我更喜歡用我的語(yǔ)言綜述一下《悅讀》或《每月評(píng)論》雜志里提到的思想，但我被邀請(qǐng)到那些地方又活，目的就是為了談?wù)撐业臅?shū)苔咪。有人要求提問(wèn)，開(kāi)始的問(wèn)題都是圍繞著書(shū)中的女主人公柳骄，她為了擺脫出生的環(huán)境做出的努力团赏。只有在最后的時(shí)候，有一個(gè)姑娘耐薯，我記得她很高很瘦舔清，說(shuō)話時(shí)經(jīng)常被一種緊張的笑聲打斷，她讓我解釋一下曲初，為什么在這樣一部?jī)?yōu)雅流暢的小說(shuō)里体谒，會(huì)出現(xiàn)“一段色情描寫(xiě)”。

I left, but not for Paris. After the

? elections of that turbulent year, Gina sent me out to promote the book. I

? began with Florence. I had been invited to teach by a woman professor friend

? of a friend of the Airotas, and I ended up in one of those student-*-in-law

? in Il Ponte: badly dressed, badly made up, muddled, excitable, angry at the

? exams, at the professors. Urged by the professor who had invited me, I spoke

? out about the student demonstrations with manifest enthusiasm, especially the

? ones in France. I showed off what I was learning; I was pleased with myself.

? I felt that I was expressing myself with conviction and clarity, that the

? girls in particular admired the way I spoke, the things I knew, the way I

? skillfully touched on the complicated problems of the world, arranging them

? into a coherent picture. But I soon realized that I tended to avoid any

? mention of the book. Talking about it made me uneasy, I was afraid of

? reactions like those of the neighborhood, I preferred to summarize in my own

? words ideas from Quaderni piacentini or the Monthly Review. On the other hand

? I had been invited because of the book, and someone was already asking to

? speak. The first questions were all about the struggles of the female

? character to escape the environment where she was born. Then, near the end, a

? girl I remember as being tall and thin asked me to explain, breaking off her

? phrases with nervous laughs, why I had considered it necessary to write, in

? such a polished story, a risqué part.

我很尷尬臼婆，也許我臉紅了抒痒，我語(yǔ)無(wú)倫次地說(shuō)了很多社會(huì)原因，最后我說(shuō)颁褂，需要坦率地表現(xiàn)人類所有的體驗(yàn)故响。我強(qiáng)調(diào)道，包括那些難以啟齒的事颁独，還有那些我們對(duì)自己都不愿意說(shuō)的事彩届。最后的這句話討得了大家的歡心，我又重新找到了自信誓酒。那位邀請(qǐng)我來(lái)的教授對(duì)我表示贊賞樟蠕，說(shuō)她會(huì)考慮這個(gè)問(wèn)題，并且會(huì)寫(xiě)信給我丰捷。

I was embarrassed, I think I blushed, I

? jumbled together a lot of sociological reasons. Finally, I spoke of the

? necessity of recounting frankly every human experience, including—I said

? emphatically—what seems unsayable and what we do not speak of even to

? ourselves. They liked those last words, I regained respect. The professor who

? had invited me praised them, she said she would reflect on them, she would

? write to me.

她的認(rèn)可讓我腦子里原本就不多的幾個(gè)觀念固定下來(lái)坯墨，很快就成了我反復(fù)說(shuō)的話。在公眾面前病往，我有時(shí)候是用一種風(fēng)趣的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō)捣染，有時(shí)候用一種悲情的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō)，有時(shí)候言簡(jiǎn)意賅停巷，有時(shí)候會(huì)引申出一段長(zhǎng)篇大論耍攘。有一天榕栏，在都靈的一家書(shū)店里，面對(duì)很多讀者蕾各，我用一種瀟灑的語(yǔ)氣在談?wù)撐业臅?shū)扒磁，覺(jué)得非常自在。即使有人用熱情或者挑釁的語(yǔ)氣式曲，問(wèn)起書(shū)里描寫(xiě)的在沙灘上的性事妨托，我已經(jīng)能夠坦然面對(duì)，我已經(jīng)有了現(xiàn)成答案吝羞，而且會(huì)說(shuō)得讓人心服口服兰伤，并獲得認(rèn)可。

Her approval established in my mind those

? few concepts, which soon became a refrain. I used them often in public,

? sometimes in an amusing way, sometimes in a dramatic tone, sometimes

? succinctly, sometimes developing them with elaborate verbal flourishes. I

? found myself especially relaxed one evening in a bookstore in Turin, in front

? of a fairly large audience, which I now faced with growing confidence. It

? began to seem natural that someone would ask me, sympathetically or

? provocatively, about the episode of sex on the beach, and my ready response,

? which had become increasingly polished, enjoyed a certain success.

在都靈钧排，是塔蘭塔諾教授陪我去參加讀者見(jiàn)面會(huì)的敦腔，這也是出版社的安排。他是阿黛爾的老朋友了恨溜，他很自豪地說(shuō)符衔，他當(dāng)時(shí)真是有先見(jiàn)之明，發(fā)現(xiàn)了這本書(shū)的潛力糟袁，他非常熱情地把我介紹給聽(tīng)眾判族，和一段時(shí)間以前他在米蘭用的語(yǔ)氣一樣。晚上项戴，讀者見(jiàn)面會(huì)結(jié)束時(shí)五嫂，他表?yè)P(yáng)了我，說(shuō)我在短時(shí)間內(nèi)進(jìn)步很大肯尺。然后沃缘，他還是用以往那種充滿善意的語(yǔ)氣問(wèn)我：“他們說(shuō)書(shū)中的性愛(ài)描寫(xiě)是‘下流的章節(jié)’，您為什么會(huì)欣然接受呢则吟？您為什么自己也這么對(duì)公眾說(shuō)呢槐臀？”他跟我解釋說(shuō)，首先氓仲，我的小說(shuō)除了沙灘上的那個(gè)情節(jié)水慨，還有其他更有意思、更加精彩的章節(jié)敬扛。其次晰洒，那些看起來(lái)有些大膽的描述，其實(shí)很多女孩子在寫(xiě)作中啥箭，都會(huì)遇到的谍珊。最后他總結(jié)說(shuō)，色情急侥，在很多好的文學(xué)作品——真正的敘事藝術(shù)中都會(huì)出現(xiàn)砌滞，有時(shí)候雖然跨越了界限侮邀，但永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)下流。

On the orders of the publisher,

? Tarratano, Adele’s old friend, had accompanied me to Turin. He said that he

? was proud of having been the first to understand the potential of my novel

? and introduced me to the audience with the same enthusiastic words he had

? used before in Milan. At the end of the evening he congratulated me on the

? great progress I had made in a short time. Then he asked me, in his usual

? good-humored way: why are you so willing to let your erotic pages be called

? “risqué,” why do you yourself describe them that way in public? And he

? explained to me that I shouldn’t: my novel wasn’t simply the episode on the

? beach, there were more interesting and finer passages; and then, if here and

? there something sounded daring, that was mainly because it had been written

? by a girl; obscenity, he said, is not alien to good literature, and the true

? art of the story, even if it goes beyond the bounds of decency, is never

? risqué.

我腦子有些亂——那個(gè)非常有文化的男人想婉轉(zhuǎn)對(duì)我說(shuō)的是贝润，我小說(shuō)里的那些“罪過(guò)”绊茧，其實(shí)是非常輕微的，是可以被原諒的打掘，而我每次那么大張旗鼓地解釋华畏，好像那些東西是致命的一樣，我錯(cuò)了尊蚁∥ㄉ埽總的來(lái)說(shuō)，我太夸張了枝誊，我迎合了公眾短淺的目光。我想：現(xiàn)在夠了惜纸，我不要表現(xiàn)得那么低三下四叶撒，討好別人畦徘，我要學(xué)會(huì)對(duì)我的讀者說(shuō)不挖函，我不應(yīng)該讓自己降到他們的水平酥艳。我覺(jué)得下次一有機(jī)會(huì)犀被，我就會(huì)用一種比較嚴(yán)厲的語(yǔ)氣忧换，回應(yīng)對(duì)那幾頁(yè)內(nèi)容提出問(wèn)題的人猎拨。

I was confused. That very cultured man

? was tactfully explaining to me that the sins of my book were venial, and that

? I was wrong to speak of them every time as if they were mortal. I was

? overdoing it, then. I was submitting to the public’s myopia, its superficiality.

? I said to myself: Enough, I have to be less subservient, I have to learn to

? disagree with my readers, I shouldn’t descend to their level. And I decided

? that at the first opportunity I would be more severe with anyone who wanted

? to talk about those pages.

晚飯是在一家賓館的餐廳里滞伟，是出版社為我們預(yù)訂的亮靴，我有些尷尬腺阳，但還是饒有興趣地聽(tīng)著塔蘭塔諾引用的文學(xué)作品落君。他再次聲明，我是一位相當(dāng)純潔的女作家亭引，他稱呼我為“親愛(ài)的孩子”绎速。他說(shuō)，亨利·米勒焙蚓，還有二十世紀(jì)二三十年代不少有天分的女作家纹冤，她們描寫(xiě)的性事是我現(xiàn)在也無(wú)法想象的。我把這些作家的名字都寫(xiě)在了本子上购公，同時(shí)萌京，我心里開(kāi)始琢磨，這個(gè)男人雖然表?yè)P(yáng)了我宏浩，但他一定認(rèn)為知残，我并沒(méi)什么天分；在他眼里比庄，我是一個(gè)僥幸獲得成功的小姑娘橡庞；甚至那些最吸引讀者的章節(jié)较坛，在他看來(lái)也不過(guò)如此，只能震撼到那些懂得不多的人扒最，但像他那樣的知識(shí)分子會(huì)覺(jué)得這沒(méi)什么丑勤。

At dinner, in the hotel restaurant where

? the press office had reserved a table for us, I listened, half embarrassed,

? half amused, as Tarratano quoted, as proof that I was essentially a chaste

? writer, Henry Miller, and explained, calling me dear child, that not a few

? very gifted writers of the twenties and thirties could and did write about

? sex in a way that I at the moment couldn’t even imagine. I wrote down their

? names in my notebook, but meanwhile I began to think: This man, in spite of

? his compliments, doesn’t consider that I have much talent; in his eyes I’m a

? girl who’s had an undeserved success; even the pages that most attract

? readers he doesn’t consider outstanding, they may scandalize those who don’t

? know much but not people like him.

我說(shuō)我有點(diǎn)兒累了，我攙扶著和我共餐的人站起來(lái)——他喝得有點(diǎn)兒多吧趣，他是一個(gè)小個(gè)子男人法竞，肚子很大，一副美食家的樣子强挫，一綹綹白發(fā)耷拉在耳朵上面岔霸，他的耳朵很大，臉紅撲撲的俯渤，鼻子也很大呆细，嘴唇很薄，眼睛很靈活八匠，他抽煙很兇絮爷，手指是黃色的。在電梯里梨树，他想擁抱我坑夯，親吻我，盡管我掙扎著想推開(kāi)他抡四，他還是不放棄柜蜈。我接觸到他的肚子，還有他滿嘴的酒氣指巡，那感覺(jué)深深刻在了我的腦海里淑履。到那時(shí)候?yàn)橹梗覐膩?lái)都沒(méi)想到過(guò)藻雪，一個(gè)年老的男人鳖谈、我未來(lái)婆婆的朋友，那么善良阔涉、有文化缆娃，卻會(huì)表現(xiàn)出那副樣子。我們到了走廊里瑰排，他趕忙向我道歉贯要，他說(shuō)那都是酒的錯(cuò)，他很快進(jìn)到他的房間里椭住，關(guān)上了房門(mén)崇渗。

I said that I was a little tired and

? helped my companion, who had drunk too much, to get up. He was a small man

? but had the prominent belly of a gourmand. Tufts of white hair bristled over

? large ears, he had a red face interrupted by a narrow mouth, a big nose, and

? very bright eyes; he smoked a lot, and his fingers were yellowed. In the

? elevator he tried to kiss me. Although I wriggled out of his embrace I had a

? hard time keeping him away; he wouldn’t give up. The touch of his stomach and

? his winey breath stayed with me. At the time, it would never have occurred to

? me that an old man, so respectable, so cultured, that man who was such a good

? friend of my future mother-*-law, could behave in an unseemly way. Once we

? were in the corridor he hastened to apologize, he blamed the wine, and went

? straight to his room.

-*-

14

第二天吃早飯時(shí)，還有坐車去米蘭的一路上，他都在很動(dòng)情地說(shuō)著他生命里最重要的一段時(shí)光——一九四五年到一九四八年宅广。我從他的聲音里聽(tīng)出一種非常真切的憂傷葫掉，但當(dāng)他提到現(xiàn)在的革命氣氛時(shí)，那種憂傷消失了跟狱，變得充滿熱情俭厚，我覺(jué)得這種熱情也是真誠(chéng)的。這種激情驶臊，他說(shuō)挪挤，正在席卷年輕人，還有老人关翎。我一直在點(diǎn)頭扛门，打動(dòng)我的是他的勁頭，他想讓我覺(jué)得纵寝，在我面前论寨，他過(guò)去的激情又回來(lái)了，我對(duì)他有些同情爽茴。后來(lái)葬凳，他提到了他的個(gè)人經(jīng)歷，我很快推算了一下闹啦，眼前的這個(gè)男人是五十八歲。

The next day, at breakfast and during the

? entire drive to Milan, he talked passionately about what he considered the

? most exciting period of his life, the years between 1945 and 1948. I heard in

? his voice a genuine melancholy, which vanished, however, when he went on to

? describe with an equally genuine enthusiasm the new climate of revolution,

? the energy—he said—that was infusing young and old. I kept nodding yes,

? struck by how important it was for him to convince me that my present was in

? fact the return of his thrilling past. I felt a little sorry for him. A

? random biographical hint led me, at a certain point, to make a quick

? calculation: the person with me was fifty-eight years old.

到了米蘭辕坝，我讓他在距出版社沒(méi)幾步遠(yuǎn)的地方把我放下車窍奋，我告別了這位陪同我的人。因?yàn)榍耙惶焱砩蠜](méi)有睡好酱畅，我有一點(diǎn)暈乎琳袄。在路上，我想盡量擺脫和塔蘭塔諾的身體接觸帶來(lái)的不適纺酸，但我還是有一種被玷污的感覺(jué)窖逗，類似于我們城區(qū)里的那種污穢。在出版社里餐蔬，我受到了熱烈歡迎碎紊，不是幾個(gè)月前的客氣，而是一種愉快和得意的祝賀樊诺，好像在說(shuō)：我們多明智啊仗考，我們料到了你很棒。甚至是接線員也出來(lái)向我祝賀词爬，她從電話間里出來(lái)?yè)肀Я宋彝菏龋俏ㄒ徽嬲秊槲腋械礁吲d的人。那個(gè)吹毛求疵的編輯，就是負(fù)責(zé)修訂我的書(shū)的人叽赊，也第一次請(qǐng)我吃飯必搞。

Once in Milan I had the driver drop me

? near the publishing house, and I said goodbye to my companion. I had slept

? badly and was in something of a daze. On the street I tried to eradicate my

? disgust at that physical contact with Tarratano, but I still felt the stain

? of it and a confusing continuity with a kind of vulgarity I recognized from

? the neighborhood. At the publisher’s I was greeted warmly. It wasn’t the

? courtesy of a few months earlier but a sort of generalized satisfaction that

? meant: how clever we were to guess that you were clever. Even the switchboard

? operator, the only one there who had treated me condescendingly, came out of

? her booth and embraced me. And for the first time the editor who had done

? that punctilious editing invited me to lunch.

當(dāng)我們坐在一個(gè)距離出版社沒(méi)幾步遠(yuǎn)顾画、空蕩蕩的小餐廳里研侣，他就開(kāi)始跟我說(shuō)，我的文字里有一種迷人的東西惦银。在我們吃飯的間隙，他建議我不要躺在功勞簿上末誓，我應(yīng)該開(kāi)始著手準(zhǔn)備下一本小說(shuō)扯俱。之后他又提醒我，那天三點(diǎn)我要去一趟米蘭國(guó)立大學(xué)喇澡，我在那兒有一個(gè)讀者見(jiàn)面會(huì)迅栅。這個(gè)見(jiàn)面會(huì)和馬麗婭羅莎沒(méi)什么關(guān)系，這次出版社通過(guò)自己的途徑組織了一批學(xué)生晴玖。我問(wèn)他我到了那里之后該找誰(shuí)读存。那個(gè)和我一起吃飯的權(quán)威編輯用自豪的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō)：“我兒子會(huì)在學(xué)校門(mén)口等您∨皇海”

As soon as we sat down in a half-empty

? restaurant near the office, he returned to his emphasis on the fact that my

? writing guarded a fascinating secret, and between courses he suggested that I

? would do well to plan a new novel, taking my time but not resting too long on

? my laurels. Then he reminded me that I had an appointment at the state

? university at three. Mariarosa had nothing to do with it; the publishing

? house itself, through its own channels, had organized something with a group

? of students. Whom should I look for when I get there? I asked. My

? authoritative lunch companion said proudly: My son will be waiting for you at

? the entrance.

我從出版社拿了行李去賓館让簿，在賓館沒(méi)待幾分鐘就去大學(xué)了。天氣酷熱難耐秀睛，到了大學(xué)尔当，我看到到處貼滿了標(biāo)語(yǔ)，還有很多紅旗蹂安，眾多參加斗爭(zhēng)的人們椭迎，還有一些牌子，上面寫(xiě)著他們的綱領(lǐng)田盈，到處都是大聲說(shuō)話、談笑和鳴笛的聲音，有一種令人焦慮不安的氣氛替饿。我在那里轉(zhuǎn)了一圈踱卵，想找到任何一個(gè)和我相關(guān)的東西。我記得西饵，當(dāng)時(shí)有一個(gè)黑頭發(fā)的男生撞了我，他跑過(guò)來(lái)驯嘱，匆匆忙忙地撞到了我，打了一個(gè)趔趄，等他回過(guò)神來(lái)锥忿，馬上就跑開(kāi)了，就好像有人在追他一樣，但他身后沒(méi)有人杈抢。我記得，有一陣陣很清晰的喇叭聲歼捐，刺破了讓人窒息的空氣贷盲。我記得有一個(gè)金發(fā)姑娘，身材很嬌小佳魔，她拉著一個(gè)很粗的鐵鏈子，聲音很響，她大聲對(duì)一個(gè)人喊“我來(lái)了庐氮！”，一邊催促著音婶。我記得這些，是因?yàn)槲以诘戎腥苏J(rèn)出我碴卧、走近我，我拿出了筆記本荧飞，擺出一副作家的樣子划栓，把看到的情景都記了下來(lái)。但過(guò)了半個(gè)小時(shí)，還是沒(méi)有人來(lái)碧绞。這時(shí)候，我留心地看著那些貼在墻上的紙張和通告兴使，想找到我的名字，或者那部小說(shuō)的名字励幼，但沒(méi)有找到。我開(kāi)始變得有些焦躁嵌削，我放棄了詢問(wèn)學(xué)生睛榄，我不好意思提到我的小說(shuō)啡莉，因?yàn)樗奶帀ι隙假N滿了標(biāo)語(yǔ)浅缸，上面提到的問(wèn)題要比我的小說(shuō)重要。我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己懷著兩種全然不同的情感：我非常喜歡那些高調(diào)的男生女生毛萌，喜歡他們肆無(wú)忌憚的聲音和舉動(dòng)；另一面則是我從小就有的對(duì)混亂的恐懼，當(dāng)時(shí)在那個(gè)地方吹榴，我覺(jué)得混亂可能會(huì)席卷我，很快就會(huì)出現(xiàn)一個(gè)無(wú)法對(duì)抗的權(quán)威人物——校工婿斥、教授、校長(zhǎng)或者警察，會(huì)當(dāng)場(chǎng)把我揪住——我總是那么聽(tīng)話志群，結(jié)果受到了懲罰。

I retrieved my bag from the office, and

? went to the hotel. I stayed a few minutes and left for the university. The

? heat was unbearable. I found myself against a background of posters dense

? with writing, red flags, and struggling people, placards announcing

? activities, noisy voices, laughter, and a widespread sense of apprehension. I

? wandered around, looking for signs that had to do with me. I recall a

? dark-haired young man who, running, rudely bumped into me, lost his balance,

? picked himself up, and ran out into the street as if he were being pursued,

? even though no one was behind him. I recall the pure, solitary sound of a

? trumpet that pierced the suffocating air. I recall a tiny blond girl, who was

? dragging a clanking chain with a large lock at the end, and zealously

? shouting, I don’t know to whom: I’m coming! I remember it because in order to

? seem purposeful, as I waited for someone to recognize me and come over, I

? took out my notebook and wrote down this and that. But half an hour passed,

? and no one arrived. Then I examined the placards and posters more carefully,

? hoping to find my name, or the title of the book. It was useless. I felt a

? little nervous, and decided not to stop one of the students: I was ashamed to

? cite my book as a subject of discussion in an environment where the posters

? pasted to the walls proclaimed far more significant themes. I found to my

? annoyance that I was poised between opposing feelings: on the one hand, a

? strong sympathy for all those young men and women who in that place were

? flaunting, gestures and voices, with an absolute lack of discipline, and, on

? the other, the fear that the disorder I had been fleeing since I was a child

? might, now, right here, seize me and fling me into the middle of the

? commotion, where an incontrovertible power—a Janitor, a Professor, the

? Rector, the Police—would quickly find me at fault, me, me who had always been

? good, and punish me.

我不想把這當(dāng)回事兒，在一群比我小不了幾歲的學(xué)生面前講那老一套娃胆，這有什么意義呢？我想回賓館招驴，我要享受我作為成功女作家的生活——旅行，經(jīng)常在餐館里吃飯触趴，在賓館里睡覺(jué)。但這時(shí)候披蕉，有五六個(gè)姑娘急急忙忙從我前面經(jīng)過(guò)，她們都拎著包，我不由自主地跟著她們向前走去嘁信，走進(jìn)吵吵嚷嚷的人群，走進(jìn)號(hào)角聲里卦溢。走著走著涮坐，我走到一間擠滿人的教室前面疲扎，正好在這時(shí)候，教室里傳出了一陣憤怒的喊叫救巷。那幾個(gè)姑娘進(jìn)去了，我也跟著她們小心翼翼地進(jìn)去了精盅。

I thought of sneaking away, what did I

? care about a handful of kids scarcely younger than me, to whom I would say

? the usual foolish things? I wanted to go back to the hotel, enjoy my

? situation as a successful author who was traveling all over, eating in restaurants

? and sleeping in hotels. But five or six busy-looking girls passed by,

? carrying bags, and almost against my will I followed them, the voices, the

? shouts, even the sound of the trumpet. Like that, walking and walking, I

? ended up outside a crowded classroom from which, just then, an angry clamor

? arose. And since the girls I was following went in, I, too, cautiously

? entered.

幾個(gè)派別在進(jìn)行激烈的辯論，無(wú)論是擠在教室里的人屡谐，還是聚集在講臺(tái)邊的幾撮人，他們都很激動(dòng)亭珍。我站在門(mén)邊，隨時(shí)準(zhǔn)備離開(kāi)众羡，其實(shí)我已經(jīng)想離開(kāi)了羊壹，因?yàn)檎麄€(gè)教室烏煙瘴氣、群情激憤情妖。

A sharp conflict involving various

? factions was under way, both in the packed classroom and in a small crowd

? that besieged the lectern. I stayed near the door, ready to leave, already

? repelled by a burning cloud of smoke and breath, by a strong odor of excitement.

但我又想搞清楚狀況，我覺(jué)得，他們?cè)谟懻摼V領(lǐng)的問(wèn)題秦效。當(dāng)時(shí)的情景是：有人在叫喊，有人沉默不語(yǔ)苔货，有人開(kāi)玩笑，有人大笑诈茧，有人像戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)上的傳令兵一樣，快速地走來(lái)走去鸥昏，有人對(duì)什么事情都不關(guān)注，還有人在學(xué)習(xí)——沒(méi)人會(huì)覺(jué)得唯蝶，他們可能達(dá)成一致。這時(shí)候涂滴，我已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了那種喧鬧和氣味缔杉，我希望馬麗婭羅莎也在里面系羞。那里有好多人，男性居多，帥的夹供、丑的弦聂、優(yōu)雅的剔桨、不修邊幅的、暴力的萨脑、驚恐的還有有趣的。我?guī)е闷妫粗切┡畋停矣X(jué)得我是唯一一個(gè)單獨(dú)出現(xiàn)在那兒的女人。有些女生——比如說(shuō)我跟著她們來(lái)到這里的那幾位，她們挨得很近，在擁擠的教室里分發(fā)傳單侵状，她們一起叫喊毛嫉，一起歡笑，她們之間保持幾米遠(yuǎn)的距離仙粱，都很小心彻舰，以免走散伐割。她們有可能是老朋友候味，也可能是臨時(shí)認(rèn)識(shí)的，她們組成一個(gè)團(tuán)體隔心，也許是為了獲得進(jìn)入這間混亂的教室的勇氣白群。她們受到這種斗爭(zhēng)場(chǎng)面的吸引唯卖，決定面對(duì)挑戰(zhàn)昧廷，但條件是彼此不分開(kāi)速挑，就好像她們?cè)诎踩牡胤揭呀?jīng)事先說(shuō)好了，假如一個(gè)人離開(kāi)玷室，其他人也會(huì)跟著離開(kāi)快耿。其他女生則要么和女同學(xué)在一起撮竿，要么和男朋友在一起——她們夾雜在男生的群體里搭幻，會(huì)做出一些很私密的動(dòng)作刨啸，表現(xiàn)得很豪放宫蛆，她們愉快地跨越了安全線裙椭，但我覺(jué)得她們是最幸福、最自豪，也是最前衛(wèi)的。

I tried to orient myself. I think they

? were discussing procedural matters, in an atmosphere, however, in which no

? one—some were shouting, some were silent, some poking fun, some laughing,

? some moving rapidly like runners on a battlefield, some paying no attention,

? some studying—seemed to think that agreement was possible. I hoped that

? Mariarosa was there somewhere. Meanwhile I was getting used to the uproar,

? the smells. So many people: mostly males, handsome, ugly, well-dressed,

? scruffy, violent, frightened, amused. I observed the women with interest; I

? had the impression that I was the only one who was there alone. Some—for

? example the ones I had followed—stayed close together, even as they

? distributed leaflets in the crowded classroom: they shouted together, laughed

? together, and if they were separated by a few meters they kept an eye on each

? other so as not to get lost. Longtime friends or perhaps chance

? acquaintances, they seemed to draw from the group the authority to stay in

? that place of chaos, seduced by the lawless atmosphere, yes, but open to the

? experience only on the condition that they not separate, as if they had

? decided beforehand, in more secure places, that if one left they would all

? leave. Other women, however, by themselves or at most in pairs, had

? infiltrated the male groups, displaying a provocative intimacy, the

? lighthearted dissolution of safe distances, and they seemed to me the

? happiest, the most aggressive, the proudest.

我感到自己和這個(gè)環(huán)境格格不入。我出現(xiàn)在那里荣挨，假如要沉浸在那些煙霧赴背、氣味之中，要融入其中窜护，我也應(yīng)該大喊幾句勤家，但這里的氣味哈街，讓我想起了安東尼奧身上發(fā)出的味道个扰，還有當(dāng)我們?cè)诔靥吝叾W廝磨時(shí)他的呼吸材失。我真是太可憐了纯趋，一心一意地追求學(xué)業(yè)鞭缭，基本上沒(méi)怎么去過(guò)電影院渣刷，從來(lái)都沒(méi)有買過(guò)碟片，我從來(lái)都沒(méi)有成為某些歌手的追隨者，沒(méi)收集過(guò)歌手簽名凯沪，我從來(lái)都沒(méi)去聽(tīng)過(guò)音樂(lè)會(huì)梧喷，我從來(lái)都沒(méi)有喝醉過(guò)，我少數(shù)的性經(jīng)驗(yàn)也是偷偷摸摸地，在不安中铺敌、在擔(dān)驚受怕中進(jìn)行的汇歹。但這些女生呢，她們的狀態(tài)都差不多偿凭，她們應(yīng)該活得很瀟灑产弹，面對(duì)這種徹底的改變，她們要比我更加有準(zhǔn)備弯囊，如果有機(jī)會(huì)痰哨，我一定會(huì)和她們一樣。也許匾嘱，她們覺(jué)得出現(xiàn)在那里斤斧，出現(xiàn)在那種氛圍里，不是一件出格的事情奄毡，而是一種正確折欠、迫切的選擇。我現(xiàn)在有一點(diǎn)兒錢(qián)了吼过，我不知道還會(huì)賺到多少錢(qián)锐秦，我想，我可以彌補(bǔ)一些已經(jīng)失去的東西盗忱。哦酱床，或者不行，我太學(xué)究了趟佃，太無(wú)知了扇谣，太有控制力了，太習(xí)慣于冷靜地生活闲昭，存儲(chǔ)那些思想和數(shù)據(jù)罐寨，我太接近于婚姻和最后的歸宿了，總之我太愚鈍了序矩，我把自己安置在已經(jīng)日薄西山的秩序里鸯绿。想到最后一點(diǎn)，我有些害怕簸淀。我想瓶蝴，我要馬上離開(kāi)這個(gè)地方，這里每個(gè)動(dòng)作租幕，每句話舷手，都是對(duì)我付出的努力的嘲弄，但我沒(méi)走劲绪，而是擠進(jìn)了擁擠的教室男窟。

I felt different, there illegally,

? without the necessary credentials to shout myself, to remain inside those

? fumes and those odors that brought to mind, now, the odors and fumes that

? came from Antonio’s body, from his breath, when we embraced at the ponds. I

? had been too wretched, too crushed by the obligation to excel in school. I

? had hardly ever gone to the movies. I had never bought records, yet how I

? would have liked to. I wasn’t a fan of any singers, hadn’t rushed to

? concerts, collected autographs; I had never been drunk, and my limited sexual

? experiences had taken place uncomfortably, amid subterfuges, fearfully. Those

? girls, on the other hand, to varying degrees, must have grown up in easier

? circumstances, and were more prepared to change their skin; maybe they felt

? their presence in that place, in that atmosphere, not as a derailment but as

? a just and urgent choice. Now that I have some money, I thought, now that

? I’ll earn who knows how much, I can have some of the things I missed. Or

? maybe not, I was now too cultured, too ignorant, too controlled, too

? accustomed to freezing life by storing up ideas and facts, too close to

? marriage and settling down, in short too obtusely fixed within an order that

? here appeared to be in decline. That last thought frightened me. Get out of

? this place right away, I said to myself, every gesture or word is an insult

? to the work I’ve done. Instead I slipped farther inside the crowded

? classroom.

一個(gè)很漂亮的女生馬上就吸引了我的注意力盆赤，她臉上的線條很優(yōu)美，黑色的長(zhǎng)發(fā)披在肩上蝎宇。她肯定要比我年輕弟劲，看到她之后祷安，我沒(méi)辦法把目光移開(kāi)姥芥。她站在一群看起來(lái)充滿斗志的年輕人中間，一個(gè)大約三十歲的男人汇鞭，就像保鏢一樣凉唐，緊貼著站在她身后，那個(gè)男人抽著一根雪茄霍骄。讓她與眾不同的台囱，除了美貌之外，是她懷里還抱著一個(gè)沒(méi)幾個(gè)月大的嬰兒读整，她正在給孩子喂奶簿训，同時(shí)還關(guān)注著事情的進(jìn)展，時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)叫喊幾句米间。那個(gè)小孩穿著天藍(lán)色的衣服强品，小腿和小腳都露在外面，他的嘴離開(kāi)了奶頭屈糊，但他媽媽沒(méi)把乳房收起來(lái)的榛，她的白襯衣扣子解開(kāi)著，胸部鼓脹逻锐，她皺著眉夫晌，嘴半閉著。當(dāng)她意識(shí)到兒子不再吃奶昧诱，就又機(jī)械地把奶頭給他晓淀。

I was struck immediately by a very

? beautiful girl, with delicate features and long black hair that hung over her

? shoulders, who was certainly younger than me. I couldn’t take my eyes off

? her. She was standing in the midst of some combative young men, and behind

? her a dark man about thirty, smoking a cigar, stood glued to her like a

? bodyguard. What distinguished her in that environment, besides her beauty,

? was that she was holding in her arms a baby a few months old, she was nursing

? him and, at the same time, closely following the conflict, and occasionally

? even shouting something. When the baby, a patch of blue, with his little

? reddish-colored legs and feet uncovered, detached his mouth from the nipple,

? she didn’t put her breast back in the bra but stayed like that, exposed, her

? white shirt unbuttoned, her breast swollen, her mouth half open, frowning,

? until she realized the child was no longer suckling and mechanically tried to

? reattach him.

在這個(gè)吵吵嚷嚷的教室里，到處都烏煙瘴氣的盏档，這個(gè)孩子讓我覺(jué)得很不安凶掰，而那個(gè)女生看起來(lái)不像一個(gè)正常的母親。她外表很秀麗妆丘，雖然比我還小锄俄，卻要承擔(dān)起撫養(yǎng)兒子的責(zé)任∩准穑看起來(lái)她好像在抗拒自己的身份奶赠，她和那種全身心照料自己孩子的年輕女人沒(méi)有任何共同點(diǎn)。她一邊在叫喊药有，一邊在做手勢(shì)毅戈，有時(shí)候會(huì)發(fā)言苹丸，有時(shí)候生氣地笑著，用鄙視的動(dòng)作指著某個(gè)人苇经。然而赘理，兒子是她的一部分，他在找乳房扇单，有時(shí)候會(huì)叼不住乳頭商模。他們一起形成了一組晃動(dòng)的影像，好像一幅畫(huà)在玻璃上的畫(huà)蜘澜，而玻璃隨時(shí)都可能破裂——那孩子也許會(huì)從她懷里掉下去施流，一個(gè)不小心的動(dòng)作，手肘或者別的什么東西會(huì)碰到他的頭鄙信。后來(lái)瞪醋，馬麗婭羅莎出現(xiàn)在這女孩的身旁，我很高興装诡。我想银受，她終于出現(xiàn)了。她真是活躍鸦采，臉上熠熠生輝宾巍，她真友好，她跟那個(gè)年輕母親非常親密赖淤。我搖了搖手蜀漆，但她沒(méi)看到我，她在那個(gè)女生耳邊說(shuō)了些什么咱旱，然后就消失了确丢。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，她出現(xiàn)在圍著講臺(tái)的那堆人中間吐限。這時(shí)候鲜侥，從側(cè)門(mén)闖進(jìn)來(lái)一群人，教室里的人稍稍平息了一些诸典。馬麗婭羅莎做了一個(gè)手勢(shì)描函，得到了大家的回應(yīng)，她抓住麥克風(fēng)狐粱，簡(jiǎn)短地說(shuō)了幾句舀寓，整個(gè)擁擠的教室安靜下來(lái)了。這時(shí)候肌蜻，有幾秒的時(shí)間互墓，我覺(jué)得在米蘭，在那段緊張的日子里蒋搜，我自己的不安篡撵，好像有一種力量讓我腦子里的陰影全部消失了判莉。在那幾天里，我有多少次想到過(guò)我早期的政治教育育谬？馬麗婭羅莎把麥克風(fēng)給了她旁邊一個(gè)年輕人券盅，我馬上就認(rèn)出了那個(gè)人——弗朗科·馬里，我在比薩最初那幾年的男朋友膛檀。

That girl disturbed me. In the noisy

? smoke-filled classroom, she was an incongruous icon of maternity. She was

? younger than me, she had a refined appearance, responsibility for an infant.

? Yet she seemed determined to reject the persona of the young woman placidly

? absorbed in caring for her child. She yelled, she gesticulated, she asked to

? speak, she laughed angrily, she pointed to someone with contempt. And yet the

? child was part of her, he sought her breast, he lost it. Together they made

? up a fragile image, at risk, close to breaking, as if it had been painted on

? glass: the child would fall out of her arms or something would bump his head,

? an elbow, an uncontrolled movement. I was happy when, suddenly, Mariarosa

? appeared beside her. Finally: there she was. How lively, how bright, how

? cordial she was: she seemed to be friendly with the young mother. I waved my

? hand, she didn’t see me. She whispered briefly in the girl’s ear,

? disappeared, reappeared in the crowd that was gathered around the lectern. Meanwhile,

? through a side door, a small group burst in whose mere arrival calmed people

? down. Mariarosa signaled, waited for a signal in response, grabbed the

? megaphone, and spoke a few words that silenced the packed classroom. For a

? few seconds I had the impression that Milan, the tensions of that period, my

? own excitement had the power to let the shadows I had in my head emerge. How

? many times had I thought in those days of my early political education?

? Mariarosa yielded the megaphone to a young man beside her, whom I recognized

? immediately. It was Franco Mari, my boyfriend from the early years in Pisa.