37
這時候挤悉，在我原本已經復雜的生活里，同時發(fā)生了兩件出人意料的事兒巫湘。尼諾主持的研究中心受邀去紐約參加一場非常重要的活動装悲；另外，波士頓的一家小出版社決定出版我的那本小書尚氛。這兩件事情加在一起诀诊，讓我們可以去美國旅行一趟。
Then in my already complicated life two
? completely unexpected things happened at the same time. Nino’s research
? institute was invited to New York for some important job and a tiny
? publishing house in Boston published my book. Those two events turned into a
? possible trip to the United States.
經過再三猶豫阅嘶、再三討論和爭吵之后属瓣，我們決定給自己放個假。但出去兩個星期時間奈懒，誰照顧黛黛和艾爾莎呢奠涌？我自己都很難管好她們：我給幾本雜志寫東西，做翻譯磷杏，還要在一些大大小小的活動中心參加辯論會溜畅，要為我的新書做筆記，我那么忙碌极祸，加上兩個孩子慈格，的確是越來越難了。通常我都會找米雷拉——尼諾的一個學生遥金，人很可靠浴捆，要的錢也不多。假如她沒空的話稿械，我就讓安東內拉來照看她們选泻，安東內拉是一個女鄰居，有五十多歲美莫，是一個很能干的母親页眯，孩子已經大了。在當時的情況下厢呵，我想讓彼得羅照顧她們一段時間窝撵，但他說，那段時間照顧她們兩個星期襟铭，對他來說不太可能碌奉。我分析了一下我的處境（我和阿黛爾已經沒有聯(lián)系了短曾。馬麗婭羅莎離開了米蘭，不知道她去了哪兒赐劣。我母親現在生病了嫉拐，她很脆弱。埃莉莎對我充滿敵意）魁兼，我覺得椭岩，我實在找不出什么好辦法。最后璃赡，彼得羅對我說：“你問問莉娜，過去献雅，她讓你幫她照顧兒子碉考，照顧了好幾個月時間，你讓她幫你看一下孩子挺身，也是應該的侯谁。”我很難做決定章钾，我一方面想象著墙贱，盡管她有很多工作，她還是會表示愿意照顧她們贱傀，但她對待我的兩個女兒的態(tài)度惨撇，就像她們是一身毛病，有各種要求的嬌小姐府寒，她會折磨她們魁衙，會讓詹納羅看著她們。但我心里最隱秘的地方認為——可能這個想法比第一個想法更讓我厭煩——那就是株搔，我認為她是我認識的人里唯一一個會精心照顧她們剖淀，讓她們開心的人。我必須馬上做出決定纤房，這促使我給她打電話。我充滿憂慮、繞來繞去說了很久之后铐望，讓我驚異的是如庭，她毫不猶豫地回答說：
After endless hesitations, endless
? discussions, some quarrels, we decided to take that vacation. But I would
? have to leave Dede and Elsa for two weeks. Even under normal conditions I had
? a hard time making arrangements: I wrote for some journals, I did translations,
? I took part in debates in places large and small, I compiled notes for a new
? book, and to arrange for the children with all that hectic activity was
? always extremely difficult. In general I turned to Mirella, a student of
? Nino’s, who was very reliable and didn’t ask much, but if she wasn’t
? available I left them with Antonella, a neighbor of around fifty, the
? competent mother of grown children. This time I tried to get Pietro to take
? them, but he said it was impossible just then to have them for so long. I
? examined the situation (I had no relationship with Adele, Mariarosa had left
? and no one knew where she was, my mother was weakened by her elusive illness,
? Elisa was increasingly hostile), and there didn’t seem to be an acceptable
? solution. It was Pietro who finally said to me: Ask Lina, she left her son
? with you for months, she’s in your debt. I had a hard time making up my mind.
? The more superficial part of me imagined that, although she had showed that
? in spite of her work obligations she was available, she would treat my
? daughters like fussy, demanding little dolls, she would torment them, or
? leave them to Gennaro; while a more hidden part, which perhaps upset me more
? than the first, considered her the only person I knew who would devote
? herself entirely to making them comfortable. It was the urgency of finding a
? solution that drove me to call her. To my tentative and evasive request she
? responded without hesitation, as usual surprising me:
“你的女兒就是我的女兒，你想什么時候把她們送過來都行剑令，你忙你的事情吧糊啡，照顧多久都沒事兒∮踅颍”
“Your daughters are more than my
? daughters, bring them to me whenever you like and go do your things as long
? as you want.”
盡管我跟她說棚蓄，我要和尼諾一起出發(fā)堕扶，但我把孩子交給她，千叮嚀萬囑咐時梭依，我從來都沒有提到過尼諾稍算。就這樣，一九八〇年五月役拴，雖然我有很多顧慮糊探，但我還是滿懷熱情地出發(fā)去美國了。對于我來說河闰，這場旅行異乎尋常科平。我又一次感覺自己在打破界限，我在大洋上飛行姜性，面對整個世界瞪慧，感到一種激動人心的狂喜。當然部念，那兩個星期非常辛苦弃酌，而且花費巨大。那兩位出版了我的書的女士儡炼，雖然她們沒有錢妓湘，但還是對我這趟旅行慷慨解囊。至于尼諾乌询，他報銷來回機票都很難榜贴。無論如何，我們都很幸福楣责，至少是我竣灌，我從來都沒有像那幾日那樣舒心過。
Even though I had told her that I was
? going with Nino, she never mentioned him, not even when, with all kinds of
? cautions, I brought her the children. And so in May of 1980, consumed by
? misgivings and yet excited, I left for the United States. It was an extraordinary
? experience. I felt again that I had no limits, I was capable of flying over
? oceans, expanding over the entire world: an exhilarating delirium. Naturally
? the two weeks were very exhausting and very expensive. The women who had
? published my book had no money and even though they were generous I still
? spent a lot. As for Nino, he had trouble getting reimbursed even for his
? airplane ticket. Yet we were happy. I, at least, have never been so happy as
? in those days.
那趟旅行回來秆麸，我很確信自己懷孕了初嘹。出發(fā)去美國之前，我已經有些懷疑了沮趣，但我從來沒有跟尼諾說過屯烦，整個旅行，我都在暗自品嘗這一巨大的欣喜房铭，這種可能性驻龟。當我去接兩個女兒時，我已經很確信自己懷孕了缸匪，我感覺自己充滿活力翁狐，幾乎要對莉拉坦白這件事兒。但像往常一樣凌蔬，我放棄了露懒。我想：對于她來說闯冷，這可能不是什么好事兒，因為我之前已經否認了我想再要一個孩子懈词。但無論如何蛇耀，我都興高采烈的，好像我的幸福感染到了莉拉坎弯。她看到我也很高興纺涤，感嘆了一句：“你真美啊抠忘！”我把給她撩炊、恩佐還有詹納羅的禮物拿給了她。我非常詳細地跟她講述了我看到的城市崎脉、見到的人衰抑。我說，在飛機上荧嵌，我透過云層上的一個洞，看到了大西洋砾淌。美國人都很開放啦撮，他們不像德國人那么拘謹，也不像法國人那么傲慢汪厨。即使你英文說得不好赃春，他們也會耐心地聽你說。在餐館里劫乱，大家都在大聲嚷嚷织中，比那不勒斯還要吵，如果拿諾瓦拉大街上的摩天大樓和波士頓或者紐約的摩天大樓相比衷戈，你會發(fā)現狭吼，諾瓦拉街上那棟根本算不上什么。美國的街道都是編了號的殖妇，而不是用一些大家都不記得的人的名字來命名刁笙。我從來都沒提到尼諾，從來都沒說到任何和他相關的東西谦趣，還有他的工作疲吸，我講到美國時，就好像是我一個人去的前鹅。她很專心地聽我說摘悴，問了一些我沒辦法回答的問題，最后她很誠懇地贊美了我的兩個女兒舰绘。她說，她們相處得很好粪小。我感到很愉快探膊，幾乎要脫口而出說我又懷孕了，但莉拉沒有給我機會姿骏。她很嚴肅地嘟噥了一句：“你現在回來真是太好了蘸泻，萊農，我剛得到一個好消息旺坠，我想馬上告訴你馁龟。”她也懷孕了。
When we got back I was sure I was
? pregnant. Already before leaving for America I had had some suspicions, but I
? hadn’t said anything to Nino and for the entire vacation I had savored the
? possibility in secret, with a heedless pleasure. But when I went to get my
? daughters I had no more doubts and, feeling so literally full of life, I was
? tempted to confide in Lila. As usual, however, I gave up on the idea, I
? thought: She’ll say something unpleasant, she’ll remind me that I claimed I
? didn’t want another child. I was radiant and Lila, as if my happiness had
? infected her, greeted me with an air that was no less content, she exclaimed:
? How beautiful you look. I gave her the gifts I had brought for her, for Enzo,
? and for Gennaro. I told her in detail about the cities I had seen, the
? encounters I’d had. From the plane, I said, I saw a piece of the Atlantic
? Ocean through a hole in the clouds. The people are very friendly, they’re not
? reserved the way they are in Germany, or arrogant, as in France. Even if you
? speak English badly they listen to you with attention and make an effort to
? understand. In the restaurants everybody shouts, more than in Naples. If you
? compare the skyscraper on Corso Novara with the ones in Boston or New York,
? you realize it’s not a skyscraper. The streets are numbered, they don’t have
? the names of people everyone’s forgotten by now. I never mentioned Nino, I
? didn’t say anything about him and his work, I acted as if I had gone by
? myself. She listened attentively, she asked questions I wasn’t able to
? answer, and then she praised my daughters sincerely, she said she had got on
? very well with them. I was pleased, and again I was on the point of telling
? her that I was expecting a child. But Lila didn’t give me time, she whispered
? seriously: Lucky you’re back, Lenù, I’ve just had some good news and it makes
? me happy to tell you first of all. She, too, was pregnant.
38
莉拉全身心地照顧著兩個孩子诺凡。每天早上她要叫醒她們东揣，讓她們洗漱，穿衣服腹泌，又快又好地吃一頓早餐嘶卧，在早晨混亂的交通中，把她們送到塔索街上的學校里凉袱，在晚高峰時把她們準時接回來芥吟，把她們帶回城區(qū)，讓她們吃飽飯专甩，監(jiān)督她們完成作業(yè)钟鸵，同時還要完成自己的工作，做家務涤躲。但是棺耍，仔細詢問了黛黛和艾爾莎之后，我才清楚地知道种樱，她對她們的照顧簡直太周到了∶膳郏現在對于她們來說俊卤，我成了一個不怎么稱職的母親。我做的西紅柿拌面沒莉娜阿姨做的好吃害幅，我給她們吹頭發(fā)消恍，不像莉娜阿姨那么溫柔，為她們梳頭沒有她梳得好看以现。除了有一些她們喜歡的歌兒她不會唱狠怨，莉娜阿姨在解決任何問題時，都要比我敏感叼风。還需要補充一點取董，尤其是在黛黛看來，這么了不起的一個女人无宿，我們不經常和她來往茵汰，簡直是太遺憾了（“媽媽，為什么我們不去找莉娜阿姨呢孽鸡？為什么你不讓我們經常住她家磅逦纭？你不走了嗎彬碱？”）豆胸。莉娜還有一個不可比擬的地方就是：她是詹納羅的母親。我的大女兒說到里諾時巷疼，就好像他是這個世界上最成功的男性晚胡。
Lila had dedicated herself to the
? children body and soul. And it could not have been easy to wake them in time
? in the morning, get them washed and dressed, give them a solid but quick
? breakfast, take them to school in the Via Tasso neighborhood amid the morning
? chaos of the city, pick them up punctually in that same turmoil, bring them
? back to the neighborhood, feed them, supervise their homework, and keep up
? with her job, her domestic tasks. But, when I questioned Dede and Elsa
? closely, it became clear that she had managed very well. And now for them I
? was a more inadequate mother than ever. I didn’t know how to make pasta with
? tomato sauce the way Aunt Lina did, I didn’t know how to dry their hair and
? comb it with the skill and gentleness she had, I didn’t know how to perform
? any task that Aunt Lina didn’t approach with a superior sensitivity, except
? maybe singing certain songs that they loved and that she had admitted she
? didn’t know. To this it should be added that, especially in Dede’s eyes, that
? marvelous woman whom I didn’t visit often enough (Mamma, why don’t we go see
? Aunt Lina, why don’t you let us sleep at her house more, don’t you have to go
? away anymore?) had a specific quality that made her unequalled: she was the
? mother of Gennaro, whom my older daughter usually called Rino, and who seemed
? to her the most wonderful person of the male sex in the world.
當時，我覺得很難過嚼沿，之前我和兩個女兒的關系是田園式的估盘，非常安寧，她們對于莉拉理想化的看法使我們的關系惡化了骡尽。有一次遣妥，她們的批評讓我失去了耐心，我嚷嚷起來：“別說了攀细，你們現在去母親市場上再買一個吧箫踩。”“母親市場”——這是我們經常說的玩笑話谭贪，通常都是用來緩解矛盾境钟，讓我們重歸于好。我通常會說說：“假如你們覺得我不好俭识，就把我賣到母親市場上去吱韭。”她們的回答是：“不，媽媽理盆，我不想賣你痘煤，我們就喜歡你這個樣子≡彻妫”但那天衷快，可能是因為我的語氣非常不滿，黛黛回答說：“好吧姨俩，我們馬上去蘸拔，我們把你賣了，再把莉娜阿姨買回來环葵〉髑希”
At the moment I was hurt. My relations
? with the children were not wonderful and their idealization of Lila made
? things worse. Once, at yet another criticism of me, I lost my patience, I
? yelled: O.K., go to the market of mothers and buy another one. That market
? was a game of ours that generally served to alleviate conflicts and reconcile
? us. I would say: Sell me at the market of mothers if I’m no good for you; and
? they would answer, no, Mamma, we don’t want to sell you, we like you the way
? you are. On that occasion, however, maybe because of my harsh tone, Dede
? answered: Yes, let’s go right now, we can sell you and buy Aunt Lina.
家里的氣氛就是這樣。在當時的情況下张遭，我當然不能對她們說邓萨，之前我撒謊了，我其實要再生一個孩子菊卷。我當時的情緒很復雜：義無反顧缔恳、羞恥、自豪洁闰、不安歉甚、無辜和愧疚都有。這話很難說出口：孩子們扑眉，我以為我再也不想再要一個孩子纸泄，但實際上，我很想要腰素，其實我已經懷孕了聘裁，你們會有一個小弟弟，或者一個小妹妹耸弄，她/他的父親不是你們的父親，這個孩子的父親是尼諾卓缰。但他已經有一個妻子和兩個孩子了计呈，我不知道他會怎么想。我不知道從哪兒開始說征唬，我一直在考慮著這件事情捌显，一直在拖延。
That was the atmosphere for a while. And
? certainly it wasn’t the best one for telling the children that I had lied to
? them. My emotional state was complicated: shameless, shy, happy, anxious,
? innocent, guilty. And I didn’t know where to begin, the conversation was
? difficult: children, I thought I didn’t want another child, but I did, and in
? fact I’m pregnant, you’ll have a little brother or maybe another sister, but
? the father isn’t your father, the father is Nino, who already has a wife and
? two children, and I don’t know how he’ll take it. I thought about it, thought
? about it again, and put it off.
后來总寒，我和兩個女兒交談時扶歪，她們冷不丁地說了一些讓我驚異的話。黛黛用一種很正式的語氣——那是她想說明一個原則性問題時采用的語氣，艾爾莎在一邊聽著善镰，滿臉不安：
Then out of the blue came a conversation
? that surprised me. Dede, in front of Elsa, who listened in some alarm, said
? in the tone she took when she wanted to explain a problem full of perils:
“你知道嗎妹萨？莉娜阿姨和恩佐一起睡覺，但他們沒結婚炫欺？”
“You know that Aunt Lina sleeps with
? Enzo, but they’re not married?”
“是誰告訴你的乎完？”
“Who told you?”
“里諾。恩佐不是他父親品洛∈饕蹋”
“Rino. Enzo isn’t his father.”
“這個也是里諾告訴你的？”
“Rino told you that, too?”
“是的桥状。我問了莉娜阿姨帽揪，她給我解釋了一下「ㄕ澹”
“Yes. So I asked Aunt Lina and she
? explained to me.”
“她怎么解釋的转晰？”
“What did she explain?”
她有些緊張。她審視著我砾肺，想搞清楚我是不是生氣了挽霉。
She was tense. She observed me to see if
? she was making me angry.
“我要說給你聽嗎？”
“Shall I tell you?”
“是的变汪∠揽玻”
“Yes.”
“莉娜阿姨和你一樣，她之前也有一個丈夫裙盾，他是里諾的父親实胸，叫斯特凡諾·卡拉奇。她還有恩佐——恩佐·斯坎諾是和她睡覺的人番官。這和你的情況完全一樣：你有爸爸庐完，他姓艾羅塔，但你和尼諾睡覺徘熔，他姓薩拉托雷门躯。”
“Aunt Lina has a husband just as you do,
? and that husband is Rino’s father, his name is Stefano Carracci. Then she has
? Enzo, Enzo Scanno, who sleeps with her. And the exact same thing happens with
? you: you have Papa, whose name is Airota, but you sleep with Nino, whose name
? is Sarratore.”
我微笑著酷师，想讓她放心讶凉，我沒有生氣。
I smiled to reassure her.
“為什么你記住了這些名字山孔？”
“How did you ever learn all those
? surnames?”
“這是莉娜阿姨提到的懂讯，她說，這些事兒很荒唐台颠。里諾是從她肚子里出來的褐望，和她一起生活，但他隨他父親姓，姓卡拉奇瘫里。我們是從你的肚子里出來的实蔽，我們大部分時間都是和你在一起，而不是和爸爸在一起减宣，但我們姓艾羅塔盐须。”
“Aunt Lina talked to us about it, she
? said that they’re stupid. Rino came out of her stomach, he lives with her,
? but he’s called Carracci like his father. We came out of your stomach, we
? live much more with you than with Papa, but we’re called Airota.”
“然后呢漆腌？”
“So?”
“但是贼邓，媽媽，有人要說起莉娜阿姨的肚子闷尿，不會說這是斯特凡諾·卡拉奇的肚子塑径，而會說這是莉娜·賽魯羅的肚子。你的情況也是一樣：你的肚子是埃萊娜·格雷科的填具，而不是彼得羅·艾羅塔的肚子统舀。”
“Mamma, if someone talks about Aunt
? Lina’s stomach he doesn’t say this is Stefano Carracci’s stomach, he says
? this is Lina Cerullo’s stomach. The same goes for you: your stomach is Elena
? Greco’s stomach, not Pietro Airota’s.”
“這是什么意思呢劳景？”
“And what does that mean?”
“意思是誉简，如果里諾叫里諾·賽魯羅，我們叫黛黛和艾爾莎·格雷科的話會更合理盟广∶拼”
“That it would be more correct for Rino
? to be called Rino Cerullo and us Dede and Elsa Greco.”
“這是你的想法嗎？”
“Is that your idea?”
“不是筋量，這是莉娜阿姨的想法烹吵。”
“No, Aunt Lina’s.”
“你是怎么想的桨武？”
“What do you think?”
“我想法和她一樣肋拔。”
“I think the same thing.”
“是嗎呀酸？”
“Yes?”
“是的凉蜂，這一點我很肯定⌒杂”
“Yes, absolutely.”
這時候窿吩，艾爾莎看到氣氛很融洽，她拽了我一下艾栋，插了一句：
But Elsa, since the atmosphere seemed
? favorable, tugged at me and intervened:
“這不是真的爆存，媽媽蛉顽。她說過蝗砾，她結婚以后，會叫黛黛·卡拉奇〉苛福”
“It’s not true, Mamma. She said that when
? she gets married she’ll be called Dede Carracci.”
黛黛很氣憤地吼道：
Dede exclaimed furiously:?
“閉嘴闲勺，你胡說什么！”
“Shut up, you’re a liar.”
我問艾爾莎：
I turned to Elsa:
“為什么會叫黛黛·卡拉奇呢扣猫？”
“Why Dede Carracci?”
“因為她想和里諾結婚菜循。”
“Because she wants to marry Rino.”
我問黛黛：
I asked Dede:
“你喜歡里諾嗎申尤？”
“You like Rino?”
“是的癌幕，”她用一種帶著怒氣的聲音說，“假如我們不結婚昧穿，我也要和他睡覺勺远。”
“Yes,” she said in an argumentative tone,
? “and even if we don’t get married I’ll sleep with him just the same.”
“和里諾时鸵？”
“With Rino?”
“是的胶逢，就像莉娜阿姨和恩佐，就像你和尼諾饰潜〕踝梗”
“Yes. Like Aunt Lina with Enzo. And also
? like you with Nino.”
“她可以這么做嗎，媽媽彭雾？”艾爾莎滿臉懷疑地問碟刺。
“Can she do that, Mamma?” Elsa asked,
? dubiously.
我沒回答，回避了她們的問題冠跷。但她們的這番話讓我心情大好南誊，我開始了一個新階段。實際上蜜托，我沒費很大力氣就注意到抄囚，關于真假父親還有新舊姓名的閑談，莉拉讓黛黛和艾爾莎覺得橄务，她們現在的處境不僅僅是可以接受的幔托，而且很有意思。結果是蜂挪，我的兩個女兒奇跡般地不再懷念阿黛爾和馬麗婭羅莎重挑；她們從佛羅倫薩回來時，也不再說她們想一直和她們的父親還有多莉婭娜在一起棠涮；她們不再給她們的保姆米雷拉制造麻煩谬哀，不再覺得米雷拉是她們最大的敵人；她們不再敵視那不勒斯严肪、學校史煎、老師驮审、同學敦腔；尤其是，她們接受了尼諾睡在我床上的事實±啵總之涣达，她們看起來開朗了很多供炎》昊牛看著她們的變化，我慢慢也松了一口氣袍患。莉拉現在進入了我兩個女兒的生活坦康，把她們吸引到自己身邊。雖然這是一件讓我很煩的事兒诡延，但我必須承認：她在我兩個女兒身上投入全部的感情涝焙，對她們無微不至，減輕她們內心的負擔和不安孕暇。實際上仑撞，這就是我愛的那個莉拉：從那些邪惡的事情里，忽然間會冒出一些驚喜妖滔，讓我很感動隧哮。忽然間，我的怨氣都消了座舍。她很陰險沮翔，她一直都是那樣，但她有很多優(yōu)點曲秉，需要容忍她采蚀。我發(fā)現，她在幫助我承二，也減輕了我兩個女兒受到的傷害榆鼠。
I didn’t answer, I was evasive. But that
? exchange improved my mood and initiated a new phase. It didn’t take much, in
? fact, to recognize that with this and other conversations about real and
? pretend fathers, about old and new last names, Lila had managed to make the
? living situation into which I had cast Dede and Elsa not only acceptable in
? their eyes but even interesting. In fact almost miraculously my daughters
? stopped talking about how they missed Adele and Mariarosa; they stopped
? saying, when they returned from Florence, that they wanted to go and stay
? forever with their father and Doriana; they stopped making trouble for
? Mirella, the babysitter, as if she were their worst enemy; they stopped
? rejecting Naples, the school, the teachers, their classmates, and, above all,
? the fact that Nino slept in my bed. In short, they seemed more serene. And I
? noted those changes with relief. However vexing it might be that Lila had
? entered the lives of my daughters, binding them to her, the last thing I
? could accuse her of was not having given them the utmost affection, the
? utmost care, assistance in reducing their anxieties. That was the Lila I
? loved. She could emerge unexpectedly from within her very meanness,
? surprising me. Suddenly every offense faded—she’s malicious, she always has
? been, but she’s also much more, you have to put up with her—and I
? acknowledged that she was helping me do less harm to my daughters.
有一天早上，我醒來時發(fā)現亥鸠，經過了那么長時間之后妆够，我第一次不是帶著敵意想起她。我想起了她結婚的情景负蚊，還有她的第一次懷孕：她當時十六歲神妹，只比黛黛大七八歲，我女兒很快就到了當時我們那個充滿噩夢的年齡家妆。我感覺無法理解鸵荠，在那么短的時間里，也就是七八年之后伤极，我女兒會像當年莉拉那樣蛹找，穿上婚紗嵌赠，在床上遭受一個男人的凌辱，被禁錮在卡拉奇太太這個身份里熄赡。我覺得，假如這件事情發(fā)生在她身上齿税，那簡直太不可思議了彼硫，就像發(fā)生在我身上的事情，在瑪隆蒂海灘凌箕，心情陰郁拧篮，夜里被一個成熟男人壓在身下，身上沾滿了沙子牵舱，只是出于報復串绩，才做那些事情。我想起了很多讓人懊惱的事情芜壁，我們經歷的那些事情礁凡，讓我們的關系更加堅固的事兒。我想慧妄，忘記我們共同經過的事顷牌，而是對她心懷嫉恨和芥蒂，這是多愚蠢叭汀窟蓝！那些糟糕的想法無法避免，但重要的是饱普，要抑制負面情緒运挫。我借口兩個孩子很想見她，逐漸又靠近了莉拉套耕。我們肚子里的孩子讓我們走得更近了谁帕。
One morning I woke up and thought of her
? without hostility for the first time in a long while. I remembered when she
? got married, her first pregnancy: she was sixteen, only seven or eight years
? older than Dede. My daughter would soon be the age of the ghosts of our
? girlhood. I found it inconceivable that in a relatively small amount of time,
? my daughter could wear a wedding dress, as Lila had, end up brutalized in a
? man’s bed, lock herself into the role of Signora Carracci; I found it equally
? inconceivable that, as had happened to me, she could lie under the heavy body
? of a grown man, at night, on the Maronti, smeared with dark sand, damp air,
? and bodily fluids, just for revenge. I remembered the thousands of odious
? things we had gone through and I let the solidarity regain force. What a
? waste it would be, I said to myself, to ruin our story by leaving too much
? space for ill feelings: ill feelings are inevitable, but the essential thing
? is to keep them in check. I grew close to Lila again with the excuse that the
? children liked seeing her. Our pregnancies did the rest.
39
但我們是截然不同的兩個孕婦，我的身體很適應冯袍，她的反應很強烈雇卷。盡管從剛開始，莉拉都強調她想要那個孩子颠猴，她笑著說：“這在計劃之內关划。”然而翘瓮，她的身體還是像往常一樣在抵抗贮折，在排斥。我感覺好像有一道光照亮了我身體內部资盅，我紅光滿面调榄，她卻臉色發(fā)綠踊赠，眼白發(fā)黃，她特別討厭某些味道每庆，一直在嘔吐筐带。她說：“我怎么辦啊缤灵？我自己很高興伦籍，但我肚子里的這個東西不高興，還專門跟我作對腮出√唬”恩佐否定了這一點，他說：“你說什么啊胚嘲，他也很高興作儿，比任何人都高興〔雠”莉拉開恩佐的玩笑攻锰，說他的意思是：你不要擔心，這是我放進去的妓雾，我看到他很好口注，你要放心。
But we were two very different pregnant
? women. My body reacted with eager acceptance, hers with reluctance. And yet
? from the beginning Lila emphasized that she had wanted that pregnancy, she
? said, laughing: I planned it. Yet there was something in her body that, as
? usual, put up resistance. Thus while I immediately felt as if a sort of
? rose-colored light flickered inside me, she became greenish, the whites of
? her eyes turned yellow, she detested certain smells, she threw up
? continuously. What should I do, she said, I’m happy, but that thing in my
? belly isn’t, it’s mad at me. Enzo denied it, he said: Come on, he’s happier
? than anyone. And according to Lila, who made fun of him, he meant: I put it
? in there, trust me, I saw that it’s good and you mustn’t worry.
我遇到恩佐的那幾次君珠，他比往常更可愛寝志，更讓人欣賞。那就好像他以前的那種自豪感現在有了一條新理由策添，通過百倍的干勁兒展現出來了材部。無論在家里，在辦公室唯竹，還是在街上乐导，他都非常精心地照顧著他的伴侶，會滿足她各種各樣的需求浸颓，讓她免于各方面的風險物臂。他自告奮勇，把莉拉懷孕的消息告訴斯特凡諾产上。斯特凡諾聽到這個消息棵磷，眼睛都沒有眨一下，臉上的肌肉抽動了一下晋涣，就走開了仪媒，也許是因為他的肉食店現在一點兒錢都賺不到，前妻給他的支持非常重要谢鹊，也許是因為他和莉拉之間算吩，已經是非常遙遠的故事了留凭。莉拉懷孕了，那和他有什么關系偎巢，他腦子里有其他問題蔼夜、其他事兒要考慮。
When I ran into Enzo I felt more liking
? for him than usual, more admiration. It was as if to his old pride a new one
? had been added, which was manifested in a vastly increased desire to work
? and, at the same time, in a vigilance at home, in the office, on the street,
? all aimed at defending his companion from physical and metaphysical dangers
? and anticipating her every desire. He took on the task of giving Stefano the
? news; he didn’t blink, he half grimaced and withdrew, maybe because by now
? the old grocery made almost nothing and the subsidies he got from his ex-wife
? were essential, maybe because every connection between him and Lila must have
? seemed to him a very old story, what did it matter to him if she was
? pregnant, he had other problems, other desires.
尤其是压昼，恩佐承擔起了把這件事情告訴詹納羅的任務求冷。莉拉在她兒子面前，和我在黛黛和艾爾莎面前一樣尷尬巢音，但她更有理由尷尬，詹納羅已經不是一個孩子了尽超，不能跟他用一種幼稚的語言和語氣說這件事兒官撼。他是一個身處青春期危機的男孩，在高中已經連著兩次考試不及格了似谁，他現在變得非常敏感傲绣，經常會忍不住流眼淚，他沒辦法擺脫那種恥辱巩踏。他一天要么在街上逛蕩秃诵，要么會坐在他父親的肉食店里，待在角落里塞琼，一句話也不說菠净，研究著斯特凡諾的一舉一動，一邊折騰自己臉上的青春痘彪杉。
But, mainly, Enzo took on the job of
? telling Gennaro. Lila in fact had reasons to feel embarrassment with her son
? that were no different from mine—but certainly more justified—for feeling
? embarrassed with Dede and Elsa. Gennaro wasn’t a child and childish tones and
? words couldn’t be used with him. He was a boy in the full crisis of puberty
? who couldn’t find an equilibrium. Failed twice in a row in high school, he
? had become hypersensitive, unable to hold back tears, or emerge from his
? humiliation. He spent days wandering the streets or in his father’s grocery,
? sitting in a corner, picking at the pimples on his broad face and studying
? Stefano in every gesture and expression, without saying a word.
莉拉很擔心詹納羅聽到這個消息后會不高興毅往，但同時她也擔心別人，比如斯特凡諾派近，會告訴兒子這件事兒攀唯。恩佐有一天晚上把他叫到一邊，跟他說了莉拉懷孕的事兒渴丸。詹納羅當時不動聲色侯嘀，沒有反應。恩佐鼓勵他說：“去擁抱一下你母親谱轨，讓她感覺到你愛她戒幔。”孩子按照他的意思做了土童。但過了幾天溪食，艾爾莎回避過她姐姐，悄悄問我：
He’ll take it really badly, Lila worried,
? but meanwhile she was afraid that someone else would tell him, Stefano for
? example. So one evening Enzo took him aside and told him about the pregnancy.
? Gennaro was impassive, Enzo urged him: Go hug your mother, let her know that
? you love her. The boy obeyed. But a few days later Elsa asked me in secret:
“媽媽娜扇，婊子是什么错沃？”
“Mamma, what’s a tramp?”
“是豬的妻子栅组。”
“A beggar.”
“你肯定嗎枢析？”
“You’re sure?”
“肯定玉掸。”
“Yes.”
“里諾跟黛黛說醒叁，莉娜阿姨是一個婊子司浪。”
“Rino told Dede that Aunt Lina is a
? tramp.”
總之把沼，這都是問題啊易。我沒和莉拉談到這些，我覺得饮睬，說了也沒什么用租谈。再加上我也有自己的問題：我沒辦法對彼得羅開口，我沒辦法告訴兩個孩子這件事情捆愁，尤其是割去，我沒辦法告訴尼諾。我很肯定昼丑，盡管彼得羅現在有了多莉婭娜呻逆，他聽到我懷孕一定也會感到不悅，他會把這件事情告訴他父母菩帝，她母親又會想盡辦法給我使絆子咖城。我很確信，黛黛和艾爾莎聽到這個消息之后呼奢，會對我充滿敵意酒繁。但真正的問題是尼諾，我希望這個孩子的誕生會把他拴在我身邊控妻，我希望埃利奧諾拉知道他又一次成為父親后會離開他州袒。但我的這個希望很渺茫，我感到害怕弓候。尼諾已經很清楚地告訴我了：他選擇過這種雙重的生活郎哭。盡管這會給我們造成各種各樣的問題，不安菇存、焦慮和緊張的氣氛夸研，但他也不愿意徹底和妻子決裂。結果是依鸥，我很害怕他會要求我把孩子打掉亥至。這樣每天，我都想告訴他我的狀況，每天我都想：不姐扮，最好還是明天再說吧絮供。
Problems, in other words. I didn’t talk
? to Lila about it, that seemed pointless. And then I had my own difficulties:
? I couldn’t bring myself to tell Pietro, I couldn’t tell the children, mainly
? I couldn’t tell Nino. I was sure that when Pietro found out I was pregnant he
? would be resentful, even though he now had Doriana, and would turn to his
? parents, would induce his mother to make trouble for me in every way
? possible. I was sure that Dede and Elsa would become hostile again. But my
? real worry was Nino. I hoped that the birth of the child would bind him
? definitively to me. I hoped that Eleonora, once she found out about that new
? fatherhood, would leave him. But it was a feeble hope, usually fear
? predominated. Nino had told me clearly: he preferred that double life—even
? though it caused all sorts of problems, anxieties, tensions—to the trauma of
? an absolute break with his wife. I was afraid he would ask me to have an
? abortion. So every day I was on the point of telling him and every day I said
? to myself: No, better tomorrow.
但是，一切問題好像都開始化解了茶敏。有一天晚上壤靶，我給彼得羅打電話，我對他說：“我懷孕了惊搏≈椋”他沉默了很長時間，然后清了清嗓子恬惯，嘟噥了一句向拆，他早就料到會有這一天。他問：
Instead everything began to sort itself
? out. One night I telephoned Pietro and told him: I’m pregnant. There was a
? long silence, he cleared his throat, he said softly that he expected it. He
? asked:
“你告訴兩個孩子了嗎酪耳？”
“Have you told the children?”
“沒有浓恳。”
“No.”
“你想讓我告訴她們嗎葡兑？”
“Do you want me to tell them?”
“不用奖蔓≡薏荩”
“No.”
“你想想怎么說讹堤。”
“Be careful.”
“好吧厨疙≈奘兀”
“All right.”
就是這些。但從那時候開始沾凄，他的電話變得頻繁起來梗醇，他語氣很溫情，很擔心兩個孩子的反應撒蟀，每次都說讓他來說叙谨。但這件事不是我們倆說的，是莉拉告訴兩個孩子的保屯。雖然她拒絕和自己的兒子談她懷孕的事兒手负，但她說服了黛黛和艾爾莎，她說姑尺，她們很快就有一個活生生的娃娃可以玩竟终，這是一件非常值得期待的事兒。這個小娃娃不是我和她們的父親生的切蟋，而是我和尼諾生的统捶。她們都很高興。因為莉娜說那是一個小娃娃，她們也開始這樣叫喘鸟。她們對我的肚子產生了興趣匆绣，每天早上醒來都會問：“媽媽，小娃娃還好吧迷守？”
That was it. He began to call more often.
? His tone was affectionate, he was worried about how the girls would react, he
? offered every time to talk to them about it. But in the end it was neither of
? us. It was Lila, who, although she had refused to tell her own son, convinced
? Dede and Elsa that it would be a wonderful thing to occupy themselves, when
? the time came, with the funny live doll that I had made with Nino and not
? with their father. They took it well. Since Aunt Lina had called it a doll,
? they began to use the same word. They were interested in my stomach, and
? every morning when they woke up they asked, Mamma, how’s the doll?
告訴了彼得羅和兩個孩子之后犬绒，我最終要面對尼諾。事情是這樣的兑凿，有一天下午凯力，我感覺非常不安，就去找莉拉礼华，跟她說這件事咐鹤。我問她：
Between telling Pietro and telling the
? girls, I finally confronted Nino. It went like this. One afternoon when I
? felt especially anxious I went to see Lila to complain, and asked her:
“假如他要我把孩子打掉呢？”
“What if he wants me to have an
? abortion?”
“好吧圣絮，”她說祈惶，“那一切都變得很清楚“缃常”
“Well,” she said, “then everything
? becomes perfectly clear.”
“什么捧请？”
“What’s clear?”
“他最在意的是他妻子和孩子，而不是你棒搜≌铗龋”
“That his wife and children come first,
? then you.”
都是很直接、毫不留情的話力麸。莉拉有很多事都瞞著我可款，但她反對我和尼諾結合，這一點她絲毫不隱瞞克蚂。但我一點兒也不難過闺鲸，我覺得，她這樣直言不諱挺好的埃叭。從根本上來說摸恍，她對我說了我不敢對自己說的話，也就是尼諾聽到我懷孕的消息的反應赤屋，是我們之間關系是否堅實的一種證明立镶。過了一會兒兒，卡門帶著她的孩子來了益缎，莉拉讓她也加入了這場討論谜慌，那個下午和我們少年時一起度過的那些午后很像。我們說出自己的隱私莺奔，互相出謀劃策欣范”湫梗卡門很氣憤，她說恼琼，假如尼諾不愿意要這個孩子妨蛹，她可以親自去找他談談。然后補充說：“我不明白晴竞，萊農蛙卤，事情怎么可能這樣？你這個水平的女人噩死，怎么能讓人踩在腳下颤难。”我試著替自己辯解已维，也想為我的愛人開脫行嗤。我說，他的岳父家以前幫過他垛耳，現在還在幫他栅屏，我和尼諾現在能在一起過上這種生活，這是因為他通過他妻子的家庭能掙到很高的工資堂鲜。我承認栈雳，我和兩個孩子如果只靠我的書掙的錢，還有彼得羅給的撫養(yǎng)費生活的話缔莲，日子很難體面地過下去哥纫。最后，我補充說：“你們不要想歪了酌予，尼諾對我很好磺箕，他一個星期至少要在我這兒住四天奖慌。他盡量讓我免受各種屈辱抛虫，有時間的話简僧，他會照顧黛黛和艾爾莎建椰，就像她們是他親生的岛马。”但我剛說完夏志，莉拉幾乎是用命令的語氣對我說：
Direct, brutal. Lila hid many things from
? me, but not her aversion to my union. I wasn’t sorry, in fact I knew that it
? did me good to speak explicitly. In the end she had said what I didn’t dare
? say to myself, that Nino’s reaction would provide proof of the solidity of
? our bond. I muttered something like: It’s possible, we’ll see. When, soon
? afterward, Carmen arrived with her children, and Lila drew her, too, into the
? conversation, the afternoon became like afternoons of our adolescence. We
? confided in each other, we plotted, we planned. Carmen got mad, she said that
? if Nino was opposed she was ready to go and speak to him in person. And she
? added: I don’t understand how it’s possible, Lenù, that a person at your
? level can let someone walk all over you. I tried to justify myself and to
? justify my companion. I said that his in-laws had helped and were helping
? him, that everything Nino and I could afford was possible only because,
? thanks to his wife’s family, he had a good income. I admitted that, with what
? I got from my books and from Pietro, the girls and I would have a hard time
? scraping by in a respectable way. And I added: Don’t get the wrong idea,
? though, Nino is very affectionate, he sleeps at my house at least four times
? a week, he has always avoided humiliating me in any way, when he can he takes
? care of Dede and Elsa as if they were his. But as soon as I stopped speaking
? Lila almost ordered me:
“那你今晚就告訴他∈铮”
“Then tell him tonight.”
我聽從了她的建議狱杰。我回到家里，等著他回來厅须，我們吃完晚飯之后仿畸，我把兩個孩子哄睡了，我終于對他說了我懷孕的事兒朗和。那是非常漫長的一刻错沽，他擁抱了我，吻了我眶拉，他很幸福甥捺。我放心了，小聲說了一句：“我早就知道了镀层，但我擔心你會生氣镰禾。”他說我不應該那么想唱逢，然后說了一句讓我驚異的話：“我們應該帶著黛黛和艾爾莎去見一下我父母吴侦，告訴他們這個好消息，我母親會非常高興坞古”溉停”他想對他家人公開我們的關系，他想正式宣布他再次當父親的事兒痪枫。我很順從地表示同意织堂，然后小聲嘀咕了一句：
I obeyed. I went home and when he arrived
? we had dinner, I put the children to bed, and finally I told him that I was
? pregnant. There was a very long moment, then he hugged me, kissed me, he was
? very happy. I whispered with relief: I’ve known for a while, but I was afraid
? you would be angry. He reproached me, and said something that amazed me: We
? have to go with Dede and Elsa to my parents and give them this good news,
? too—my mother will be pleased. He wanted in that way to sanction our union,
? he wanted to make his new paternity official. I gave a halfhearted sign of
? agreement, then I said:
“你會告訴埃利奧諾拉嗎？”
“But you’ll tell Eleonora?”
“這跟她沒關系奶陈∫籽簦”
“It’s none of her business.”
“你現在還是她丈夫〕粤＃”
“You’re still her husband.”
“純粹是名義上的潦俺。”
“It’s pure form.”
“我們的孩子要跟你姓徐勃，你要做認證事示。”
“You’ll have to give your name to our
? child.”
“我會的僻肖⌒ぞ簦”
“I’ll do it.”
我很激動地說：
I became agitated.
“不惋砂，尼諾穴豫，你不會去的，你會一直假裝下去码泞，到現在你一直都在假裝》福”
“No, Nino, you won’t do it, you’ll
? pretend it’s nothing, as you’ve done up to now.”
“你跟我在一起不開心嗎凡纳？”
“Aren’t you happy with me?”
“我很開心？”
“I’m very happy.”
“我忽視你了嗎帝蒿？”
“Do I neglect you?”
“沒有荐糜。但我離開了我丈夫，來到了那不勒斯葛超，我的生活發(fā)生了翻天覆地的變化暴氏。而你呢，你還擁有你的家庭绣张，你的家庭依然完好無損答渔。”
“No. But I left my husband, I came to
? live in Naples, I changed my life from top to bottom. You instead still have
? yours, and it’s intact.”
“我的生活是你侥涵、你的兩個女兒沼撕，還有你要生的這個孩子，其他都是必要的背景芜飘∥癫颍”
“My life is you, your children, this
? child who’s about to arrive. The rest is a necessary background.”
“對誰是必要的？對你嗦明？對我當然不是笼沥。”
“Necessary to whom? To you? Certainly not
? to me.”
他緊緊地擁抱了我娶牌，喃喃地說：
He hugged me tight, he whispered:
“你要相信我奔浅。”
“Have faith.”
第二天诗良，我打電話給莉拉汹桦，對她說：“一切都很順利，尼諾聽到這個消息后很高興累榜∮冢”
The next day I called Lila and said to
? her: Everything’s fine, Nino was really happy.
40
接下來的幾個星期灵嫌，情況非常復雜壹罚。我經常想，假如我的身體沒有那么自然愉快地適應妊娠寿羞，假如我和莉拉一樣一直處于一種遭罪的狀態(tài)猖凛，那我肯定會撐不過來的。在經過很多次推托之后绪穆，我的出版社最后出版了尼諾的那本雜文集辨泳。我現在的任務是要聯(lián)系那幾個我認識的虱岂、有點名氣的人，讓他們在報紙上推廣一下這本書菠红，我還要聯(lián)系那些認識尼諾第岖，但因為驕傲，他不愿意打電話聯(lián)系的人试溯。我依然在模仿阿黛爾的處世方式蔑滓，雖然我們現在關系非常糟糕。在同一個時期遇绞，彼得羅的書也終于面世了键袱，他一有機會來看兩個女兒，就給我?guī)Я艘槐灸∶觥Ｋ懿话驳氐戎铱瓷厦娴馁浹裕蔷湓捰行擂危骸敖o埃萊娜蹄咖，教給我?guī)е纯嗟膼邸保覀儌z都很激動付鹿，他邀請我去佛羅倫薩參加一個慶祝會澜汤，我不得不去，僅僅是因為他要把兩個孩子帶去舵匾。但在當時的情況下银亲，我不得不面對公公婆婆公然的敵意，還有在去之前和回來之后尼諾的醋意纽匙。我和彼得羅的任何接觸务蝠，都會讓他醋意大發(fā)，看到書上面的贈言烛缔，他很生氣馏段，也憤憤不平，因為我說践瓷，我前夫的那本書非常精彩院喜，現在整個學術界，還有報紙都帶著敬意在談論那本書晕翠。他很不高興喷舀，因為他的那本書出版后默默無聞，無人理會淋肾。
Complicated weeks followed; I often
? thought that if my body hadn’t reacted with such delighted naturalness to
? pregnancy, if I had been in Lila’s state of continuous physical suffering, I
? wouldn’t have held up. My publisher, after much resistance, finally brought
? out Nino’s collection of essays, and I—continuing to imitate Adele, in spite
? of our terrible relationship—took on the job of persuading both the few
? prominent people I knew to cover it in the newspapers, and the many, very
? many, he knew, but out of pride refused to telephone. Around at the same
? time, Pietro’s book also was published, and he brought a copy to me himself
? when he came to Naples to see his daughters. He waited anxiously while I read
? the dedication (embarrassing: to Elena, who taught me to love with
? suffering), we were both excited, he invited me to a celebration in his honor
? in Florence. I had to go, if only to bring the children. But then I was
? forced to face not only the open hostility of my in-laws but also, before and
? after, Nino’s agitation: he was jealous of every contact with Pietro, angry
? about the dedication, surly because I had said that my ex-husband’s book was
? really good and was talked about with great respect within the academic world
? and outside it, unhappy because his volume was going completely unnoticed.
無論我們的關系讓我多么疲憊硫麻，無論我們的每個舉動、我說的每句話樊卓、他說的每句話之后隱藏著多少危機拿愧，他不愿意聽到彼得羅的名字，我提到弗朗科時碌尔，他的臉色也會變得陰沉浇辜。我和他的某個男性朋友說笑券敌，他也會吃醋，但他覺得柳洋，他同時擁有我和他妻子待诅，這很正常。有幾次熊镣，我在菲蘭杰里路上遇到了他咱士，他和埃利奧諾拉，還有他們的兩個孩子在一起轧钓。第一次序厉，他們假裝沒有看到我就走了過去；第二次毕箍，我興高采烈地堵在他們倆跟前弛房，和他們說了幾句，還談到了我懷孕的事情而柑，雖然那時候我的身材還看不出來文捶。我后來極端憤怒地走開了，心都快從喉嚨里跳出來了媒咳。后來粹排，他批評了我的做法，他說涩澡，那種挑釁的行為是沒有用的顽耳。我們吵架了（“我沒告訴她妙同，你是這孩子的父親射富！我只是說我懷孕了”），我把他從家里趕了出去粥帚，后來我們又和好了胰耗。
How exhausting our relationship was, and
? how many hazards were concealed in every gesture, in every sentence that I
? uttered, that he uttered. He didn’t even want to hear Pietro’s name, he
? darkened if I recalled Franco, he became jealous if I laughed too much with
? some friend of his, yet he found it completely normal to divide himself
? between me and his wife. A couple of times I ran into him on Via Filangieri
? with Eleonora and the two children: the first time they pretended not to see
? me, and kept going; the second I stopped in front of them with a warm smile,
? I said a few words referring to my pregnancy, even though it wasn’t visible,
? I went off in a rage, with my heart pounding in my throat. When, later, he
? reproached me for what he called a needlessly provocative attitude, we
? quarreled (I didn’t tell her that you’re the father: all I said was I’m
? pregnant), I threw him out of the house, I welcomed him back.
在那些時刻，我忽然看到了自己真實的樣子：很卑微芒涡，總是對他妥協(xié)柴灯，很小心，不讓他陷于困境费尽，不讓他尷尬赠群。我浪費我的時間，為他做飯依啰，把他扔在家里的臟衣服洗干凈乎串，很留心地聽著他在大學遇到的問題，還有他肩負的各種工作速警。因為周圍人對他的喜愛叹誉，還有他丈人的權力，他的職務越來越多闷旧。每次他來的時候长豁，我都和顏悅色，我希望他在我這里要比在另一個家里更舒適忙灼。我希望他休息好匠襟，對我傾訴，他肩負的各種責任讓他很累该园，這會激起我的溫情酸舍。我甚至問自己，埃利奧諾拉會不會比我更愛他里初，她為了不徹底失去尼諾接受了所有的事情啃勉。但有時候，我冒著被兩個孩子聽到的風險双妨，忍不住會對著他叫喊：“我在這里是為了你淮阐，你跟我說說，我為什么要住在這座城市里刁品，為什么我每天晚上都要等你泣特，為什么我要容忍現在這個處境？”
At those moments I saw myself suddenly
? for what I was: a slave, willing to always do what he wanted, careful not to
? exaggerate in order not to get him in trouble, not to displease him. I wasted
? my time cooking for him, washing the dirty clothes he left in the house,
? listening to all his troubles at the university and in the many
? responsibilities that he was accumulating, thanks to the aura of good feeling
? that surrounded him and the small powers of his father-in-law; I always
? welcomed him joyfully, I wanted him to be happier with me than in the other
? house, I wanted him to relax, to confide, I felt sorry that he was
? continuously overwhelmed by obligations; I even wondered if Eleonora might
? love him more than I did, since she accepted every insult just to feel that
? he was still hers. But sometimes I couldn’t stand it anymore and I yelled at
? him, despite the risk that the girls might hear: Who am I for you, tell me
? why I’m in this city, why I wait for you every night, why I tolerate this
? situation.
在這種時候挑随，他都會很害怕状您，會懇求我平靜下來《蛋ぃ可能是為了向我證明只有我是他的妻子竞阐，埃利奧諾拉對他來說是無關緊要的，他真的想在星期天帶我去他父母家吃飯暑劝，他父母那時候住在民族路上骆莹。我沒辦法拒絕他，那天時間過得很慢担猛，氣氛很融洽幕垦。尼諾的母親莉迪亞已經是一位年老的女人了，看起來一副飽受磨難的樣子傅联，她的眼睛里充滿了驚恐先改，好像不是對于外面的世界的驚恐，好像威脅來自她的內心蒸走。至于皮諾仇奶、克萊利亞和西羅，我認識他們時比驻，他們還是小孩子该溯，現在他們已經長大成人了岛抄，有上學的，有工作的狈茉，克萊利亞甚至已經結婚了夫椭。后來，瑪麗莎和阿方索也帶著他們的孩子來了氯庆，我們開始吃飯蹭秋。那餐飯非常漫長，有無數道菜堤撵，從中午兩點開始仁讨，一直持續(xù)到晚上六點，是一種強顏歡笑的氣氛实昨，但也有真誠的情感洞豁。尤其是莉迪亞，她對我的態(tài)度屠橄，就像我是她家真正的媳婦一樣族跛，她讓我坐在她旁邊，她贊揚了我的兩個女兒锐墙，為我肚子里懷的孩子感到高興礁哄。
He became frightened and begged me to
? calm down. It was probably to show me that I—I alone—was his wife, and
? Eleonora had no importance in his life, that he really wanted to take me to
? lunch one Sunday at his parents’, in their house on Via Nazionale. I didn’t
? know how to say no. The day passed slowly and the mood was one of affection.
? Lidia, Nino’s mother, was an old woman, worn down by weariness; her eyes
? seemed terrified not by the external world but by a threat she felt from
? within. As for Pino, Clelia, and Ciro, whom I had known as children, they
? were adults, who studied, who worked, Clelia had recently gotten married.
? Soon Marisa and Alfonso arrived with their children, and the lunch began.
? There were innumerable courses, and it lasted from two in the afternoon until
? six at night, in an atmosphere of forced gaiety, but also of sincere feeling.
? Lidia, especially, treated me as if I were her real daughter-in-law, she
? wanted to keep me beside her, she complimented my daughters, and
? congratulated me for the child I carried in my womb.
自然，多納托是讓我不自在的唯一原因溪北，二十年后再見到他桐绒，這讓我非常震驚。他穿著一件深藍色的家居服之拨，腳上穿著一雙褐色的拖鞋茉继。整個人好像變小變寬了，他不停地揮舞著粗大的手蚀乔，他手背上有著深色的老年斑烁竭，指甲縫里有污垢。他的臉太松弛了吉挣，肉都垂了下來派撕，他的目光很渾濁。他光禿禿的頭頂上只有幾縷染過的頭發(fā)睬魂，顏色好像有些發(fā)紅终吼。他笑的時候會露出牙齒掉了之后留下的空洞。開始氯哮，他努力做出那種見過世面的男人的語氣际跪，好幾次，他盯著我的胸看，說了一些曖昧的話姆打。然后良姆，他開始抱怨：“這是什么世道，所有人都不守本分了穴肘，好像摩西十誡已經被廢除了歇盼，女人誰還管那些舔痕，社會風氣亂七八糟的评抚。”但是伯复，他的幾個孩子都不理他慨代，讓他不要說了，最后他閉嘴了啸如。吃完飯之后侍匙，多納托把阿方索拉到一個角落里，想要得到他的關注《ｖǎ現在阿方索那么精致想暗，那么俊秀，在我的眼里帘不，他比莉拉還要好看说莫。我時不時用一種難以置信的目光看著那個年老的男人。我想：小時候寞焙，在瑪隆蒂海灘储狭，我怎么能和這個齷齪的男人在一起過，那件事一定不是真的捣郊。噢辽狈！我的天，看看他現在的樣子：禿頂呛牲、懶散刮萌、目光猥褻。他在我中學同桌的身邊娘扩，阿方索現在那么女性化着茸，就像一個穿著男性衣服的年輕女人。我和在他同一個房間畜侦，我和伊斯基亞時期的我已經全然相反元扔。我想：今夕何夕？往昔何夕旋膳？
Naturally the only source of tension was
? Donato. Seeing him after twenty years made an impression on me. He wore a
? dark blue smoking jacket, and on his feet brown slippers. He was as if
? shrunken and broadened, he kept waving his stubby hands, with their dark age
? spots and a blackish arc of dirt under the nails. His face seemed to have
? spread over the bones, his gaze was opaque. He covered his bald crown with
? his sparse hair, dyed a vaguely reddish color, and when he smiled the spaces
? where the teeth were missing showed. At first he tried to assume his former
? attitude of a man of the world, and he kept staring at my bosom, and made
? allusive remarks. Then he began to complain: Nothing is in its place, the Ten
? Commandments have been abolished, women, who can restrain them, it’s all a
? whorehouse. But his children shut him up, ignored him, and he was silent.
? After lunch he drew Alfonso into a corner—so refined, so delicate, as
? good-looking in my eyes as Lila and more—to indulge his craving to be the
? center of attention. Every so often I looked, incredulous, at that old man, I
? thought: it’s not possible that I, I as a girl, at the Maronti was with that
? foul man, it can’t really have happened. Oh, my God, look at him: bald,
? slovenly, his obscene glances, next to my so deliberately feminine classmate,
? a young woman in male clothes. And I in the same room with him, so very
? different from the me of Ischia. What time is now, what time was then.
忽然間澎语，多納托叫我的名字，他很有禮貌地說：“萊農∩眯撸”阿方索也在對我招手尸变，用目光示意我過去。我有些不安地走向他們呆的那個角落减俏。多納托開始用一種很高調的方式贊美我召烂，就好像對著人群做演講：“這位女士是一位偉大的學者，一位在世界上無與倫比的作家娃承！我很高興在她小時候就認識她了奏夫。在伊斯基亞，和我們一起度假時历筝，她還是一個小孩子酗昼，她通過我寫的那些初淺的詩句，靠近了文學梳猪，她在睡覺前會讀我寫的書麻削，是不是，萊農春弥？”
At a certain point Donato called me over,
? he said politely, Lenù. And Alfonso, too, insisted with a gesture, a look,
? that I join them. I went to their corner uneasily. Donato began to praise me
? loudly, as if he were speaking to a vast audience: This woman is a great
? scholar, a writer who has no equal anywhere in the world; I’m proud to have
? known her as a girl; at Ischia, when she came to vacation at our house she
? was a child, she discovered literature through her interest in my poor
? verses, she read my book before going to sleep:—isn’t it true, Lenù?
他用一種不太確信的目光看著我呛哟，他的目光忽然變成了一種祈求。他用眼睛祈求我匿沛，讓我確認扫责，他對我走上文學道路起到了重要作用。我說俺祠，是的公给，是真的，我從小就不敢相信蜘渣，我認識一個出版過一本詩集的人淌铐，而且他還在報紙上寫文章。我對十幾年前他在報紙上發(fā)表的書評表示感謝蔫缸，那是關于我的第一本書的腿准，我說那篇文章對我很有用。多納托高興得滿臉通紅拾碌，他變得神氣起來吐葱，開始自我吹噓，一邊還抱怨說校翔，因為那些平庸之輩的嫉妒和阻礙弟跑，他沒能獲得自己應有的聲譽。這時候尼諾介入了防症，他二話不說孟辑，就把我拉到了他母親跟前哎甲。
He looked at me uncertainly, suddenly a
? supplicant. His eyes pleaded with me to confirm the role of his words in my
? literary vocation. And I said yes, it’s true, as a girl I couldn’t believe
? that I knew personally someone who had written a book of poetry and whose
? thoughts were printed in the newspaper. I thanked him for the review that a
? dozen years earlier he had given my first book, I said it had been very
? useful. And Donato turned red with joy, he took off, he began to celebrate
? himself and at the same time to complain that the envy of mediocrities had
? kept him from becoming known as he deserved. Nino had to intervene, and
? roughly. He brought me over to his mother again.
在回去的路上，他說了我饲嗽，他說：“你知道我父親是什么人炭玫，根本不能理他∶蚕海”我點了點頭吞加，用余光看著他。尼諾也會脫發(fā)嗎尽狠？也會發(fā)胖嗎衔憨？也會說那些比他幸運的人的壞話嗎？現在晚唇，他是那么英俊的一個男人巫财，我不想考慮這個問題盗似。他在繼續(xù)批評他父親：“他還不死心哩陕，真是越老越糟糕『帐妫”
On the street he reproached me, saying:
? You know what my father’s like, there’s no need to encourage him. I nodded,
? and meanwhile I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Would Nino lose
? his hair? Would he get fat? Would he utter rancorous words against those who
? had been more fortunate? He was so good-looking now, I didn’t even want to
? think about it. He was saying of his father: he can’t resign himself, the
? older he gets the worse he is.
