3 Steps to Breaking Up With Someone
分手的三個(gè)步驟
作者：John Kim
翻譯：章非（僅用于語言欣賞和分享仇让，版權(quán)屬于原作者歧焦，請(qǐng)勿擅自轉(zhuǎn)載或者用作其他途徑叉弦，否則責(zé)任自負(fù)）
Q:You often speak about identifying when a relationship has expired and moving on. I was wondering if you have an opinion on the best way to do that. More so, what is the proper balance when you are telling someone that you are moving on? When you care about someone, the last thing you want is for them to think that you have not given the decision the proper amount of thought and consideration. I find myself wanting to "make a case" for why I have made my decision, but then I probably end up making the other person feel worse. On the other hand, it seems cruel to break it off without any explanation. What are your thoughts on how to most gracefully find that balance?
問：你經(jīng)常會(huì)說，當(dāng)愛已成往事，你要明確地提出分手洞慎。我想知道你是否有個(gè)特好的辦法去做這件事兒爪幻？重要的是菱皆，當(dāng)你要跟別人分手時(shí)须误，怎么做才能恰如其分？當(dāng)你關(guān)心某個(gè)人時(shí)仇轻，你最不想做的就是讓他們認(rèn)為你沒有深思熟慮京痢。我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己想找到“一個(gè)合適的理由”來說明為什么我作出了這樣的決定，但我最終可能讓對(duì)方感覺更糟了篷店。另一方面祭椰，如果不做任何解釋就分手又顯得那么冷酷無情。如何最溫文爾雅地疲陕、用恰當(dāng)?shù)姆椒ㄌ岢龇质址接伲阌惺裁纯捶ǎ?br>
A: Great question. I think there are many factors to consider when terminating a relationship. But break up "balance" will vary depending on if you've been dating someone for a few months or if you're engaged to someone you've been with for six years and you guys live together.
答：這是一個(gè)很好的問題，我認(rèn)為終止一段親密關(guān)系是有很多因素需要考慮的蹄殃，但是分手的“恰當(dāng)方式”取決于你是跟對(duì)方才約會(huì)了幾個(gè)月時(shí)間還是你們都訂婚六年了携茂，而且一直住在一起。
When I read questions, I look for red flags. The red flag for me in your question is when you said "making a case". I think that's an unhealthy mindset.
當(dāng)我在看問題的時(shí)候窃爷，我喜歡找到關(guān)鍵信號(hào)邑蒋。我在你的問題上看到的關(guān)鍵信號(hào)是：你說你要找到“一個(gè)最合適的理由”，我認(rèn)為這是一種不健康的心態(tài)按厘。
There is no case. There is only truth, how you feel and where you're at.
壓根沒有什么最合適的理由医吊，這只不過是現(xiàn)實(shí)而已，你的感受告訴你就是這么回事兒逮京。
And yes, I don't think anyone should ever break things off without any explanation. That's not fair. That's fear Okay, so back to how to break up with someone.
但是同時(shí)卿堂，我也不認(rèn)為任何人就可以不做任何解釋就去分手，這是不公平的懒棉。這是一個(gè)很讓人害怕的事兒好嗎草描， 所以回到如何與某人分手這個(gè)問題上來。
1. Make sure you're done before you say you're done.
1策严、在你說你要分手時(shí)穗慕，要確保這是你真正的意愿。
You said you're concerned they may think you haven't given it the proper thought. It shouldn't be a concern if you really did give it proper thought. And that's how you should start. By telling him that you've given this a lot of thought and it's not a snap decision. Many start these conversations without putting enough thought into the decision and they end up confusing the shit out of people and crippling the relationship. If you're not sure, talk to a therapist or life coach and process it to make sure. You can discuss it with friends but friends are biased.It's always better to process with a neutral party who can ask you the right questions.
你說你擔(dān)心對(duì)方可能會(huì)認(rèn)為你沒有深思熟慮妻导， 如果你真的認(rèn)真思考了就不應(yīng)該有這方面的顧慮逛绵。并且這恰恰是你講述決定的開始：通過告訴對(duì)方你已經(jīng)好好地想過了，這不是一個(gè)草率的決定倔韭。許多人開始告知對(duì)方的時(shí)候并沒有進(jìn)行深入的思考术浪，最終導(dǎo)致了對(duì)方的迷惑和關(guān)系的惡化。如果你不確定寿酌，請(qǐng)和你的心理咨詢師或者生活導(dǎo)師討論這件事胰苏，以確保你的決定是正確的。 你還可以與你的朋友們討論一下醇疼，但朋友的意見往往有失偏頗硕并，所以最好你能找到一個(gè)意見中肯的人來告訴你什么是正確的決定法焰。
2. Once you know you're done and you're ready to move on, sit down with the person and have an honest conversation.
2、一旦你確定這是你真正的意愿并且你準(zhǔn)備分手了倔毙，請(qǐng)坐下來與對(duì)方進(jìn)行一場(chǎng)誠懇的對(duì)話壶栋。
Do not do this via text or email. You should always do it in person unless you're concerned about your safety. Although I said "conversation", it's not really a conversation. That's the tone but not the content. Conversation means there's an exchange, negotiation and compromise. I'm not saying don't let the other person speak but you're here to tell the person that you've made a decision. You can tell him how you feel about it. But there's no room for a conversation. A good way to start is to just say "I've decided to move on". Be that direct. Then explain why and how you feel. Remember, this isn't a break. It's a break up. Unless you want a hiatus. That's a different question and I'd have a different answer.
不要通過手機(jī)短信或電子郵件來提分手， 你必須親自去談除非這樣做涉及到人身安全普监。 雖然我說“對(duì)話”，這不是一個(gè)真正的對(duì)話的意思琉兜，這里強(qiáng)調(diào)的是對(duì)話的形式而不僅僅是內(nèi)容凯正。對(duì)話意味著雙方要交流、協(xié)商和妥協(xié)豌蟋。我不是讓你就單方面地宣布你做出了分手的決定而不讓對(duì)方說一句話廊散。 你可以告訴他你的不舍，但是對(duì)分手這個(gè)決定并沒有商量的余地梧疲。 一個(gè)好的開場(chǎng)白是：“我決定分手了”允睹，就這么直接。然后解釋你的理由和你的感受幌氮。記住缭受，這不是一個(gè)警示，這是分手该互，除非你又動(dòng)搖了米者，這是需要另外解答的問題了。
3. Don't talk about the relationship.
3宇智、不要再去提這段關(guān)系中的孰是孰非蔓搞。
If you've made a decision to move on, you shouldn't discuss what happened and who's fault it was, etc. That will only lead to blame then him saying he will fix or change and suddenly the conversation goes from wanting to end a relationship to giving it a second chance. You will leave frustrated and mad at yourself. He will bring up the past. Stay in the present and future. Remember, you've already put a lot of thought into this and decided to move on. It's all about execution now. Although it will be painful, it's not your job to make it easier on him. Yeah, you'll feel bad. Of course, you're human. But at the end, they'll appreciate that you held your guns instead of going back and forth or tried to be a friend through this, which just makes things more confusing and painful. If you know it's over, execution that in action. Period. If you can't do it for you, do it for him. There needs to be a clean break in order for both parties to grow back stronger. And this "conversation" will determine how clean that break is. A clean break also means no following on social media.
如果你已經(jīng)決定分手了，你就不應(yīng)該再去討論發(fā)生了什么事随橘，這事兒到底是誰的錯(cuò)等等喂分。那只會(huì)導(dǎo)致無用的歸責(zé)。然后對(duì)方會(huì)說他會(huì)努力去修復(fù)或改變机蔗，突然之間畫風(fēng)就會(huì)從想結(jié)束一段關(guān)系轉(zhuǎn)變成給再給他一次機(jī)會(huì)重新開始蒲祈。你只會(huì)給自己留下沮喪和憤怒，而他將會(huì)把讓你難以忍受的一切又都帶回來蜒车，讓你現(xiàn)在和未來都和過去一樣難受讳嘱。請(qǐng)記住，你已經(jīng)很清楚地想好了酿愧，并且決定分手×ぬ叮現(xiàn)在要做的事情就是把它好好地完成。當(dāng)然這將是痛苦的嬉挡，但是讓他好過一點(diǎn)兒不是你的責(zé)任钝鸽。 是的汇恤，你會(huì)感到不舒服。 當(dāng)然拔恰，你也是一個(gè)正常人嘛因谎。但最后，他們會(huì)感激你來個(gè)痛快的結(jié)束而不是糾結(jié)反復(fù)或者是企圖“還是朋友”颜懊，這樣往往讓對(duì)方更加迷惑或痛苦财岔。如果你知道它結(jié)束了，就好好地讓它結(jié)束河爹。如果你不能為自己去做匠璧，至少為了他也應(yīng)該去干凈利索地結(jié)束，這會(huì)讓你們雙方都能得到成長(zhǎng)咸这。并且這個(gè)分手的“對(duì)話”將決定這場(chǎng)關(guān)系會(huì)不會(huì)有個(gè)徹底的了斷夷恍，一個(gè)徹底的了斷也意味著在你今后的社交上不會(huì)有任何的后顧之憂。
“本譯文僅供個(gè)人研習(xí)媳维、欣賞語言之用酿雪，謝絕任何轉(zhuǎn)載及用于任何商業(yè)用途。本譯文所涉法律后果均由本人承擔(dān)侄刽。本人同意簡(jiǎn)書平臺(tái)在接獲有關(guān)著作權(quán)人的通知后指黎，刪除文章≈莸ぃ”
