25

過(guò)去了那么多年星掰，尼諾還是會(huì)不失時(shí)機(jī)地提到莉拉赵抢，遠(yuǎn)距離對(duì)她表示出關(guān)切骗奖。我當(dāng)時(shí)就在他面前确徙，我愛過(guò)他，我身邊是他的女兒——伊瑪正在吃巧克力冰激凌执桌。但他只把我當(dāng)成是他年輕時(shí)的一個(gè)朋友鄙皇，在我面前炫耀他走過(guò)的輝煌歷程，從高中的課桌一直到議會(huì)的席位仰挣。我們最后一次見面伴逸，他對(duì)我最大的恭維就是把我和他放在同一個(gè)等級(jí)上。我不記得當(dāng)時(shí)是在說(shuō)什么事情膘壶，他說(shuō)：“我們倆取得了很高的社會(huì)地位错蝴。”但他說(shuō)這句話時(shí)颓芭，我在他的眼睛里讀到了顷锰，他把我們放在一起只是一種客套。他覺得自己要比我好得多亡问，證據(jù)就在那里官紫，盡管我寫了一些很成功的小書，但我還不是出現(xiàn)在他面前懇求他幫忙。他看著我束世，對(duì)我很客氣地微笑著悼吱，好像在說(shuō)：看看你離開我之后錯(cuò)過(guò)了什么。

So many years had passed, and yet Nino

? didn’t miss a chance to mention Lila, to show that he was solicitous of her

? even at a distance. I was there with him, I had loved him, I had beside me

? his daughter who was licking a chocolate ice-cream cone. But he considered me

? only a friend of his youth to whom he could show off the extraordinary path

? he had traveled, from his high school desk to a seat in parliament. In that

? last encounter of ours his greatest compliment was to put me on the same rung

? of the ladder. I don’t remember in relation to what subject he said: The two

? of us climbed very high. But even as he uttered that sentence I read in his

? gaze that the declaration of equality was a sham. He considered himself much

? better than me and the proof was that, in spite of my successful books, I

? stood before him as a petitioner. His eyes smiled at me cordially,

? suggesting: Look what you lost by losing me.

我很快帶著孩子離開了良狈。我很確信后添，假如莉拉出現(xiàn)，他的態(tài)度會(huì)完全不一樣薪丁。他會(huì)支支吾吾遇西，會(huì)覺得自己受到了擠壓，甚至?xí)X得這些炫耀很滑稽严嗜。當(dāng)我們走到了停車的地方——那次我是開車去羅馬的——我想起了一件之前從來(lái)都沒想到過(guò)的問(wèn)題：尼諾只有跟莉拉在一起時(shí)粱檀，才差點(diǎn)兒毀掉了自己的前程。在伊斯基亞還有之后的一年時(shí)間里漫玄，他陷入了一場(chǎng)只能給他帶來(lái)災(zāi)難的熱戀茄蚯。在他的一生中，這是一件很不尋常的事睦优。那時(shí)候渗常，他已經(jīng)是一個(gè)很有名、很有前途的大學(xué)生『古蹋現(xiàn)在我很清楚皱碘，他和娜迪亞在一起，因?yàn)樗羌永麃喣崂蠋煹呐畠阂酰J(rèn)為這是他進(jìn)入上層社會(huì)的一把鑰匙癌椿。他的選擇和他的野心總是相符的。他和埃利奧諾拉結(jié)婚不是出于利益嗎菱阵？還有我踢俄，我為了他離開了彼得羅，我當(dāng)時(shí)已經(jīng)是一個(gè)取得一定成功的作家晴及，在社會(huì)上有一定的地位都办，出版我的書的出版社很重要，我不是對(duì)他的事業(yè)也很有用嗎抗俄？所有那些幫助過(guò)他的太太們脆丁，不也是按照這個(gè)邏輯來(lái)的嗎世舰？當(dāng)然了动雹，尼諾很愛女人，他尤其善于經(jīng)營(yíng)那些對(duì)他有用的關(guān)系跟压。如果他僅僅憑借聰明才智胰蝠，而不憑借他從小就開始編織的權(quán)力網(wǎng)絡(luò)，是不能走到這一步的。但莉拉呢茸塞？她只上到小學(xué)五年級(jí)躲庄，很年輕就成了一個(gè)小老板的妻子，假如斯特凡諾發(fā)現(xiàn)他們的關(guān)系钾虐，會(huì)把他們倆都?xì)⒘说脑刖健槭裁茨嶂Z在當(dāng)時(shí)會(huì)賭上自己的前途呢？

I left in a hurry with the child. I was

? sure that he would have had quite a different attitude if Lila had been

? present. He would have mumbled, he would have felt mysteriously crushed,

? maybe even a little ridiculous with that preening. When we reached the garage

? where I had left the car—that time I had come to Rome by car—something

? occurred to me for the first time: only with Lila had Nino put at risk his

? own ambitions. On Ischia, and for the following year, he had given in to a

? romance that could have caused him nothing but trouble. An anomaly, in the

? journey of his life. At the time he was already a well-known and very

? promising university student. He had taken up with Nadia—that was clear to me

? now—because she was the daughter of Professor Galiani, because he had

? considered her the key to gaining access to what then appeared to us a

? superior class. His choices had always been consistent with his ambitions.

? Hadn’t he married Eleonora out of self-interest? And I myself, when I had

? left Pietro for him, wasn’t I in fact a well-connected woman, a writer of

? some success, with ties to an important publishing house—useful, in short, to

? his career? And all the other women who had helped him: didn’t they come

? under the same logic? Nino loved women, certainly, but he was above all a

? cultivator of useful relations. What his intelligence produced would never,

? alone, have had sufficient energy to assert itself, without the web of power

? that he had been weaving since he was a boy. What about Lila? She had gone to

? school up to fifth grade, she was the very young wife of a shopkeeper, if

? Stefano had known of their relationship he could have killed them both. Why

? had Nino in that case gambled his entire future?

我讓伊瑪上車坐好效扫，我批評(píng)了她倔监，因?yàn)樗驯ち璧卧诹宋医o她特意為那次會(huì)面買的新衣服上。我發(fā)動(dòng)了車子菌仁，從羅馬出發(fā)了浩习。也許莉拉吸引尼諾的地方，就是尼諾一開始在她身上看到了以為自己也有的東西济丘，但對(duì)比之下他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己并沒有谱秽。她擁有才智，但她沒有利用它為自己謀福利摹迷，而像貴婦一樣在揮霍著自己的才智疟赊，就好像對(duì)她來(lái)說(shuō)，整個(gè)世界的財(cái)富都是庸俗的峡碉。莉拉的才智是免費(fèi)的听绳，這就是她讓尼諾入迷的原因。她和其他女人不一樣异赫，因?yàn)樗焐湍敲磋铗埐获Z椅挣，不會(huì)為任何事兒彎腰。我們所有人都作出讓步了塔拳，經(jīng)過(guò)考驗(yàn)鼠证、失敗和成功，這種讓步重新塑造了我們靠抑。只有莉拉量九，沒有任何人、任何事可以改變她颂碧。不僅如此荠列，隨著年齡的增長(zhǎng)，她和任何人一樣變得頑固载城、難相處肌似，但她的那些品質(zhì)一直都原封未動(dòng)，甚至更加堅(jiān)固诉瓦。我們恨她的同時(shí)川队，也害怕她力细，會(huì)對(duì)她充滿敬意。想想看固额，娜迪亞和她沒見過(guò)幾次面眠蚂，就那么痛恨她，想陷害她斗躏，我覺得這一點(diǎn)兒也不奇怪逝慧。莉拉從她手里把尼諾搶走了，莉拉羞辱了她的革命信仰啄糙。莉拉很壞馋艺，莉拉在別人出擊之前就已經(jīng)開始進(jìn)攻。莉拉是一個(gè)庶民迈套，但她拒絕救贖捐祠。總之桑李，莉拉是一個(gè)勁敵踱蛀，傷害她可以讓人得到極大的滿足感，不會(huì)像傷害帕斯卡萊贵白，會(huì)激起別人的愧疚感率拒，娜迪亞可能是那么想的。在那些年里禁荒，一切都變得那么猥瑣：加利亞尼老師猬膨、她位于海灣邊上的房子、她的幾千本書呛伴、她的畫兒勃痴、那些文雅的交談、阿爾曼多热康，還有娜迪亞——她當(dāng)時(shí)那么秀氣沛申，那么有教養(yǎng)，當(dāng)我在學(xué)校外面看到她出現(xiàn)在尼諾身邊時(shí)姐军，在她父母那套漂亮的房子里舉辦舞會(huì)接待我時(shí)铁材，當(dāng)她放下自己的架子完全投身于建立一個(gè)新世界時(shí)，當(dāng)時(shí)她身上也有著無(wú)與倫比的東西奕锌，也有著燦爛的形象著觉。但現(xiàn)在她去掉偽裝，那些高貴的理想都消散了惊暴，只剩下對(duì)曾經(jīng)濫殺的恐懼饼丘，以及對(duì)嫁禍于以前的泥瓦匠的羞愧。以前她覺得缴守，帕斯卡萊是新人類的先鋒葬毫，現(xiàn)在她利用帕斯卡萊和其他人镇辉，把自己的責(zé)任推卸得一干二凈屡穗。

I put Imma in the car, I scolded her for

? letting the ice cream drip on the dress bought for the occasion. I started

? the car, I left Rome. Maybe what had attracted Nino was the impression of

? having found in Lila what he, too, presumed he had and that now, just by

? comparison, he discovered that he didn’t have. She possessed intelligence and

? didn’t put it to use but, rather, wasted it, like a great lady for whom all

? the riches of the world are merely a sign of vulgarity. That was the fact

? that must have beguiled Nino: the gratuitousness of Lila’s intelligence. She

? stood out among so many because she, naturally, did not submit to any

? training, to any use, or to any purpose. All of us had submitted and that

? submission had—through trials, failures, successes—reduced us. Only Lila,

? nothing and no one seemed to reduce her. Rather, even if over the years she

? became as stupid and intractable as anyone, the qualities that we had

? attributed to her would remain intact, maybe they would be magnified. Even

? when we hated her we ended by respecting her and fearing her. It didn’t

? surprise me, when I thought about it, that Nadia, although she had met Lila

? only a few times, detested her and wanted to hurt her. Lila had taken Nino

? from her. Lila had humiliated her in her revolutionary beliefs. Lila was mean

? and could hit before being hit. Lila was from the proletariat but rejected

? any deliverance. In other words Lila was an honorable enemy and hurting her

? could be pure satisfaction, without the store of guilt that a designated

? victim like Pasquale would certainly arouse. Nadia could truly think of her

? in that way. How tawdry everything had become over the years: Professor

? Galiani, her house with a view of the bay, her thousands of books, her

? paintings, her cultured conversations, Armando, Nadia herself. She was so

? pretty, so well brought up, when I saw her beside Nino, outside the school,

? when she welcomed me to the party at her parents’ beautiful house. And there

? was still something incomparable about her when she stripped herself of every

? privilege with the idea that, in a radically new world, she would have a more

? dazzling garment. But now? The noble reasons for that denuding had all

? dissolved. There remained the horror of so much blood stupidly shed and the

? villainy of unloading the blame on the former bricklayer, who had once seemed

? to her the avant-garde of a new humanity, and who now, along with so many

? others, served to reduce her own responsibilities almost to nothing.

我很激動(dòng)贴捡。當(dāng)我一路開車回那不勒斯時(shí)，我想著黛黛村砂，我覺得她要犯一個(gè)類似于娜迪亞犯過(guò)的錯(cuò)誤烂斋，那些錯(cuò)誤會(huì)讓你失去自己。那時(shí)候已經(jīng)是七月底了础废，正好是前一天汛骂，黛黛在高中畢業(yè)考試中得了最高的分?jǐn)?shù)，她是艾羅塔家的人评腺，是我的女兒帘瞭，以她的聰明才智，得到這樣的結(jié)果順理成章蒿讥。很快她就能超過(guò)我蝶念，超過(guò)她的父親。我通過(guò)辛勤努力和幸運(yùn)才得到的東西芋绸，她以后很隨意就能得到媒殉，就好像生來(lái)就擁有這些。但她有什么樣的人生計(jì)劃摔敛？她去和里諾告白廷蓉，她為了公正和團(tuán)結(jié)拋棄自己的所有優(yōu)勢(shì)，受到那些和我們不一樣的東西的吸引马昙，和他一起沉淪下去桃犬，我不知道她從那個(gè)小伙子身上看到了什么過(guò)人之處。我透過(guò)后視鏡看著伊瑪行楞，忽然問(wèn)她：

I was upset. As I drove toward Naples I

? thought of Dede. I felt she was close to making a mistake similar to Nadia’s,

? similar to all mistakes that take you away from yourself. It was the end of

? July. The day before Dede had got the highest grades on her graduation exam.

? She was an Airota, she was my daughter, her brilliant intelligence could only

? produce the best results. Soon she would be able to do much better than I had

? and even than her father. What I had gained by hard work and much luck, she

? had taken, and would continue to take, with ease, as if by birthright.

? Instead, what was her plan? To declare her love for Rino. To sink with him,

? to rid herself of every advantage, lose herself out of a spirit of solidarity

? and justice, out of fascination with what doesn’t resemble us, because in the

? muttering of that boy she saw some sort of extraordinary mind. I asked Imma

? suddenly, looking at her in the rearview mirror:

“你喜歡里諾嗎疫萤？”

“Do you like Rino?”

“我不喜歡，但黛黛喜歡敢伸〕度模”

“No, but Dede likes him.”

“你怎么知道的？”

“How do you know?”

“是艾爾莎告訴我的池颈∥残颍”

“Elsa told me.”

“又是誰(shuí)告訴艾爾莎的呢？”

“And who told Elsa?”

“黛黛躯砰∶勘遥”

“Dede.”

“你為什么不喜歡里諾呢？”

“Why don’t you like Rino?”

“因?yàn)樗艹笞列兰怠！?/p>

“Because he’s very ugly.”

“那你喜歡誰(shuí)梦鉴？”

“And who do you like?”

“我爸爸〗冶＃”

“Papa.”

我在她眼里看到了一種熱情肥橙，她看到父親散發(fā)出的光芒。我想秸侣，假如尼諾和莉拉一起沉下去的話存筏，他是不會(huì)有這種光芒的。娜迪亞現(xiàn)在也永遠(yuǎn)失去了這種光芒味榛，因?yàn)樗团了箍ㄈR混在了一起椭坚。假如黛黛和里諾一直在一起的話，她也會(huì)失去這種光芒搏色。忽然間善茎，我充滿羞愧地明白了，為什么加利亞尼老師看到她女兒坐在帕斯卡萊的膝蓋上時(shí)频轿，會(huì)那么厭煩垂涯，我開始理解她的感受，我也明白尼諾為什么后來(lái)會(huì)離開莉拉略吨，為什么不呢集币？我也開始理解阿黛爾為什么不得不強(qiáng)顏歡笑，接受我和他兒子結(jié)婚翠忠。

I saw in her eyes the flame that in that

? moment she saw blazing around her father. A light—I thought—that Nino would

? never have had if he had sunk with Lila; the same light that Nadia had lost

? forever, sinking with Pasquale; and that would abandon Dede if she were lost

? following Rino. Suddenly I felt with shame that I could understand, and

? excuse, the irritation of Professor Galiani when she saw her daughter on

? Pasquale’s knees, I understood and excused Nino when, one way or another, he

? withdrew from Lila, and, why not, I understood and excused Adele when she had

? had to make the best of things and accept that I would marry her son.

26

一回到城區(qū)鞠苟，我就去敲莉拉家的門，她很不情愿地給我開了門秽之，看到她一副心不在焉的樣子当娱，我一點(diǎn)兒也不擔(dān)心，這已經(jīng)是她的常態(tài)了考榨。我很仔細(xì)地跟她講了尼諾跟我說(shuō)的那些事跨细，最后我才跟她說(shuō)了與她有關(guān)的那句話，即她可能面臨的威脅河质。我問(wèn)她：

As soon as I was back in the neighborhood

? I rang Lila’s bell. I found her listless, absent, but now it was typical of

? her and I wasn’t worried. I told her in detail what Nino had said and only at

? the end did I report that threatening phrase that concerned her. I asked:

“娜迪亞真的會(huì)傷害到你嗎冀惭？”

“Seriously, can Nadia hurt you?”

她做了一個(gè)無(wú)所謂的表情。

She assumed a look of nonchalance.

“只有你愛某個(gè)人時(shí)掀鹅，別人才能傷害到你散休，我已經(jīng)誰(shuí)也不愛了±肿穑”

“You can be hurt only if you love

? someone. But I don’t love anyone.”

“里諾呢戚丸？”

“And Rino?”

“里諾已經(jīng)走了∪忧叮”

“Rino’s gone.”

我馬上想到了黛黛和她的計(jì)劃限府，我很害怕夺颤。

I immediately thought of Dede and her

? intentions. I was frightened.

“去哪兒了？”

“Where?”

她從桌上拿起了一張紙條胁勺，遞了過(guò)來(lái)世澜，嘟噥了一句：

She took a piece of paper from the table,

? she handed it to me, muttering:

“他小時(shí)候字寫得那么好，現(xiàn)在你看看姻几，他又成了文盲了宜狐∈聘妫”

“He wrote so well as a child and now

? look, he’s illiterate.”

我看了那張紙條蛇捌，里諾用一種歪歪扭扭的字體寫著他厭煩了這里的一切，他還毫不留情地罵了恩佐咱台，他說(shuō)他要去博洛尼亞络拌，找一個(gè)當(dāng)兵時(shí)認(rèn)識(shí)的朋友。紙上一共六行字回溺，沒有提到黛黛春贸。我的心開始狂跳，他的字跡遗遵、拼寫和句法和我女兒有什么關(guān)系嗎萍恕？甚至他母親也覺得，這張紙條是一個(gè)失敗的象征车要，一個(gè)失望的結(jié)果允粤，甚至像一個(gè)預(yù)言：假如蒂娜沒被人帶走的話，這就是會(huì)發(fā)生在她身上的事情翼岁。

I read the note. Rino, very laboriously,

? said he was tired of everything, insulted Enzo heavily, announced that he had

? gone to Bologna to a friend he had met during his military service. Six lines

? in all. No mention of Dede. My heart was pounding in my chest. That writing,

? that spelling, that syntax, what did they have to do with my daughter? Even

? his mother considered him a failed promise, a defeat, perhaps even a

? prophecy: look what would have happened to Tina if they hadn’t taken her.

“他一個(gè)人走的嗎类垫？”我問(wèn)。

“He left by himself?” I asked.

“你想他能和誰(shuí)一起走琅坡？”

“Who would he have left with?”

我很遲疑地?fù)u了搖頭悉患。她從我的眼睛里看到了憂慮，微笑著說(shuō)：

I shook my head uncertainly. She read in

? my eyes the reason for my concern, she smiled:

“你害怕他和黛黛一起走的榆俺？”

“You’re afraid he left with Dede?”

27

我馬上跑回家了售躁，伊瑪緊跟在我后面。我進(jìn)到屋里叫了黛黛茴晋，也叫了艾爾莎陪捷，沒人回答。我一下子闖進(jìn)了平時(shí)我大女兒睡覺和學(xué)習(xí)的地方晃跺，我看到了黛黛揩局，她躺在床上，眼睛哭得紅紅的掀虎。我舒了一口氣凌盯，我想她一定是跟里諾告白了付枫，結(jié)果那個(gè)小伙子拒絕了她。

I hurried home, trailed by Imma. I went

? in, I called Dede, I called Elsa. No answer. I rushed into the room where my

? older daughters slept and studied. I found Dede lying on the bed, her eyes

? burning with tears. I felt relieved. I thought that she had told Rino of her

? love and that he had rejected her.

我還沒開口驰怎，伊瑪可能沒看到姐姐的精神狀況垦垂，她開始熱情洋溢地講起了自己的父親，但黛黛用方言罵了一句扛伍，坐起來(lái)一下把妹妹推開了探颈，又哭了起來(lái)。我示意伊瑪不要生氣症杏，我很溫柔地對(duì)我的大女兒說(shuō)：“我知道這很可怕装获，我理解，但這件事會(huì)過(guò)去的厉颤⊙ㄔィ”她的反應(yīng)很激烈，我當(dāng)時(shí)正在輕輕撫摸她的頭發(fā)逼友，她猛地甩了一下頭精肃，擺脫了我。她叫喊起來(lái)：“你說(shuō)什么帜乞，你什么都不知道司抱，什么都不明白，你只想著你自己黎烈，還有你寫的那些破玩意兒习柠。”她遞給我一張方格紙怨喘，準(zhǔn)確地說(shuō)是甩到我臉上津畸，然后走開了。

I didn’t have time to speak: Imma, maybe

? because she hadn’t realized her sister’s state, began talking

? enthusiastically about her father, but Dede rebuffed her with an insult in

? dialect, then sat up and burst into tears. I nodded to Imma not to get mad, I

? said to my oldest daughter gently: I know it’s terrible, I know very well,

? but it will pass. The reaction was violent. As I was caressing her hair she

? pulled away with an abrupt movement of her head, crying: What are you talking

? about, you don’t know anything, you don’t understand anything, all you think

? about is yourself and the crap you write. Then she handed me a piece of graph

? paper—rather—she threw it in my face and ran away.

伊瑪看到姐姐那么絕望必怜，眼睛也亮晶晶的肉拓，涌出了眼淚。我想分散一下她的注意力梳庆，就對(duì)她說(shuō)：“你去叫艾爾莎暖途，看看她在哪兒「嘀矗”我抓起了那張紙驻售，那天的紙條可真多。我馬上認(rèn)出了我二女兒娟秀的字跡更米，紙條是寫給黛黛的欺栗。艾爾莎解釋說(shuō)，情感是無(wú)法控制的，里諾早就愛上她了迟几，她也逐漸愛上了里諾消请。她當(dāng)然知道這會(huì)讓黛黛痛苦，她覺得很遺憾类腮，但她知道即使退出臊泰，放棄自己愛的人，也無(wú)法解決問(wèn)題蚜枢。后面的話是寫給我的缸逃，幾乎用了一種戲謔的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō)她已經(jīng)決定放棄學(xué)業(yè)，我對(duì)學(xué)習(xí)的重視讓她覺得很可笑厂抽，書本并不會(huì)使人變好需频，而是偶爾會(huì)有些好人會(huì)寫一些好書，里諾雖然沒看過(guò)一本書修肠，但他很善良贺辰。她強(qiáng)調(diào)說(shuō)户盯，她父親是個(gè)好人嵌施，寫了非常好的書，書本莽鸭、人還有善良之間的聯(lián)系在這里就結(jié)束了：她沒提到我吗伤。她最后充滿感情地跟我告別，讓我不要太生氣：黛黛和伊瑪會(huì)讓我滿意硫眨，她覺得她已經(jīng)沒法遵循我的想法足淆。她給小妹妹畫了一個(gè)帶翅膀的心。

Once Imma realized that her sister was

? desperate, her eyes began to tear up in turn. I whispered, to keep her

? occupied: Call Elsa, see where she is, and I picked up the piece of paper. It

? was a day of notes. I immediately recognized the fine handwriting of my

? second daughter. Elsa had written at length to Dede. She explained to her

? that one can’t control feelings, that Rino had loved her for a long time and

? that little by little she, too, had fallen in love. She knew, of course, that

? she was causing her pain and she was sorry, but she also knew that a possible

? renunciation of the loved person would not fix things. Then she addressed me

? in an almost amused tone. She wrote that she had decided to give up school,

? that my cult of study had always seemed to her foolish, that it wasn’t books

? that made people good but good people who made some good books. She

? emphasized that Rino was good, and yet he had never read a book; she

? emphasized that her father was good and had made very good books. The

? connection between books, people, and goodness ended there: I wasn’t cited.

? She said goodbye with affection and told me not to be too angry: Dede and

? Imma would give me the satisfactions that she no longer felt able to give me.

? To her younger sister she dedicated a little heart with wings.

我變得怒不可遏礁阁。我對(duì)黛黛發(fā)了一頓脾氣巧号，我說(shuō)，她怎么能夠沒察覺到妹妹像往常一樣姥闭，總是會(huì)把她在意的東西搶走丹鸿。我對(duì)她吼道：“你應(yīng)該發(fā)現(xiàn)這一點(diǎn)，你應(yīng)該阻止她棚品，你那么聰明靠欢，但你讓一個(gè)虛榮的小滑頭玩得團(tuán)團(tuán)轉(zhuǎn)⊥埽”我對(duì)莉拉說(shuō)：

I turned into a fury. I was angry with

? Dede, who hadn’t realized how her sister, as usual, intended to steal what

? she valued. You should have known, I scolded her, you should have stopped

? her, you’re so intelligent and you let yourself be tricked by a vain sly

? girl. Then I ran downstairs, I said to Lila:

“你兒子不是一個(gè)人走的门怪，他把艾爾莎帶走了」模”

“Your son didn’t go alone, your son took

? Elsa with him.”

她看著我掷空，有些迷糊：

She looked at me, disoriented:

“艾爾莎？”

“Elsa?”

“是的，艾爾莎還是未成年人坦弟，里諾要比她大九歲疼电，我真想去警察局告他〖跏茫”

“Yes. And Elsa is a minor. Rino is nine

? years older, I swear to God I’ll go to the police and report him.”

她笑了起來(lái)蔽豺，那不是出于惡意，而是難以置信的笑拧粪。

She burst out laughing. It wasn’t a mean

? laugh but incredulous.

她笑著說(shuō)自己的兒子：

?She laughed and said, alluding to her son:

“你看看修陡，他還真能干啊可霎！我簡(jiǎn)直太低估他了魄鸦。他讓兩位嬌小姐都為之瘋狂，我簡(jiǎn)直無(wú)法相信癣朗。萊農(nóng)拾因，你過(guò)來(lái)，放松一下旷余，坐到這兒來(lái)绢记。我越想就越覺得可笑，而不是想哭正卧〈老ǎ”

“But look how much damage he was able to

? do, I underrated him. He made both young ladies lose their heads, I can’t

? believe it. Lenù, come here, calm down, sit down. If you think about it,

? there’s more to laugh at than cry about.”

我大聲說(shuō)，這沒什么好笑的炉旷，里諾現(xiàn)在做的事情非常嚴(yán)重签孔，我真的要去警察局了。這時(shí)候她語(yǔ)氣變了窘行，她指著門對(duì)我說(shuō)：

I said in dialect that I found nothing to

? laugh at, that what Rino had done was very serious, that I really was about

? to go to the police. Then she changed her tone, she pointed to the door, she

? said:

“你去啊饥追，去告啊，你還等什么罐盔〉疲”

“Go to the cops, go on, what are you

? waiting for?”

我出去了，走到警察局門口翘骂，我就折回來(lái)了壁熄，每步兩個(gè)臺(tái)階地上樓回到家里。我對(duì)著黛黛叫喊：“我想知道碳竟，那兩個(gè)狗東西到底去哪兒了草丧，馬上告訴我∮ㄎΓ”她很害怕昌执，伊瑪用手把耳朵堵住了烛亦。但我一直在大聲嚷嚷，直到黛黛承認(rèn)懂拾，艾爾莎認(rèn)識(shí)里諾在博洛尼亞的一個(gè)朋友煤禽，那人來(lái)過(guò)城區(qū)一次。

I left, but for the moment I gave up the

? idea of the police. I went home, taking the steps two at a time. I shouted at

? Dede: I want to know where the fuck they went, tell me immediately. She was

? frightened, Imma put her hands over her ears, but I wouldn’t calm down until

? Dede admitted that Elsa had met Rino’s Bolognese friend once when he came to

? the neighborhood.

“你知道他叫什么名字嗎岖赋？”

“Do you know his name?”

“知道檬果。”

“Yes.”

“你有沒有地址和電話唐断？”

“Do you have the address, the phone

? number?”

她在發(fā)抖选脊，我問(wèn)她什么她就說(shuō)什么。盡管她痛恨妹妹已經(jīng)超過(guò)了痛恨里諾脸甘，但她覺得跟我合作也不光彩恳啥，就不說(shuō)了。我自己想辦法丹诀，我一邊叫喊钝的，一邊翻艾爾莎的東西，把家里翻了個(gè)底朝天铆遭。最后我停了下來(lái)硝桩，當(dāng)我想要找到寫著地址的紙條或者艾爾莎學(xué)校里的日記，但我發(fā)現(xiàn)我的有些東西不見了：抽屜里的錢都不見了疚脐，我平時(shí)都是把錢放在那里的亿柑，而且我的首飾都不見了，包括我母親的手鐲棍弄。艾爾莎一直都很喜歡那只手鐲，她總是半開玩笑半嚴(yán)肅地說(shuō)疟游，假如外婆寫遺囑的話呼畸，會(huì)把手鐲留給她，而不是留給我颁虐。

She trembled, she was on the point of

? giving me the information I wanted. Then, although by now she hated her

? sister even more than Rino, she must have thought it would be shameful to

? collaborate and was silent. I’ll find it myself, I cried, and began to turn

? her things upside down. I rummaged through the whole house. Then I stopped.

? While I was looking for yet another piece of paper, a note in a school diary,

? I realized that a lot else was missing. All the money was gone from the

? drawer where I normally kept it, and all my jewelry was gone, even my

? mother’s bracelet. Elsa had always been very fond of that bracelet. She said,

? partly joking and partly serious, that her grandmother, if she had made a

? will, would have left it to her and not to me.

28

我發(fā)現(xiàn)艾爾莎拿走了錢和首飾蛮原，我變得更堅(jiān)決，黛黛最后把我要找的電話和地址給了我另绩。當(dāng)她決定給我時(shí)儒陨，她又對(duì)自己的做法很不滿，她叫喊著說(shuō)笋籽，我和艾爾莎一模一樣蹦漠，我們不會(huì)尊重任何人、任何事兒车海。我讓她閉嘴笛园，我開始打電話。里諾的朋友叫莫萊諾，我威脅了他研铆。我對(duì)他說(shuō)埋同，我知道他販賣海洛因，我會(huì)讓他坐大牢棵红，一輩子別想出來(lái)凶赁。但我沒得到任何有用的消息。他向我發(fā)誓說(shuō)逆甜，他不知道里諾在哪兒哟冬，他記得黛黛，但我說(shuō)的那個(gè)女兒艾爾莎忆绰，他從來(lái)都沒見過(guò)浩峡，也不認(rèn)識(shí)。

That discovery made me even more

? determined, and Dede finally gave me the address and telephone number I was

? looking for. When she made up her mind, despising herself for giving in, she

? shouted at me that I was just like Elsa, we didn’t respect anything or

? anyone. I silenced her and went to the telephone. Rino’s friend was called

? Moreno, I threatened him. I told him that I knew he sold heroin, that I would

? get him in such deep trouble that he would never get out of jail. I got

? nothing. He swore that he didn’t know anything about Rino, that he remembered

? Dede, but that this daughter I was talking about, Elsa, he had never met.

我又去找莉拉错敢，是她給我開的門翰灾，恩佐也在，他讓我坐下稚茅，對(duì)我很客氣纸淮。我說(shuō)我要馬上去博洛尼亞，我用命令的語(yǔ)氣讓莉拉陪我去亚享。

I went back to Lila. She opened the door,

? but now Enzo was there, who made me sit down, and treated me kindly. I said I

? wanted to go to Bologna right away, I ordered Lila to go with me.

“沒有必要去找的咽块。”她回答說(shuō)欺税，“你看吧侈沪，他們一分錢沒有了，會(huì)回來(lái)的晚凿⊥ぷ铮”

“There’s no need,” she said, “you’ll see

? that when they run out of money they’ll be back.”

“里諾拿了你多少錢？”

“How much money did Rino take?”

“沒拿歼秽。他知道应役，即使是拿我十里拉，我也會(huì)把他骨頭打斷燥筷÷嵯椋”

“Nothing. He knows that if he touches

? even ten lire I’ll break his bones.”

我感覺很屈辱，嘟噥著說(shuō)：

I felt humiliated. I muttered:

“艾爾莎把我的錢和首飾都拿走了肆氓∨圩妫”

“Elsa took my money and my jewelry.”

“那是因?yàn)槟憬逃貌缓谩做院！?/p>

“Because you didn’t know how to bring her

? up.”

這時(shí)候恩佐對(duì)她說(shuō)：

Enzo said to her:

“別說(shuō)了盲泛”舫郑”

“Stop it.”

她忽然發(fā)作了，對(duì)他說(shuō)：

She turned against him sharply:

“我就是想說(shuō)寺滚！我兒子吸毒柑营，我兒子不學(xué)習(xí)，我兒子不會(huì)說(shuō)話村视，不會(huì)寫字官套，我兒子很懶，我兒子犯下所有的過(guò)錯(cuò)蚁孔，但偷東西的是她女兒奶赔，背叛姐姐的是艾爾莎「芮猓”

“I say what I like. My son is a drug

? addict, my son didn’t study, my son speaks and writes poorly, my son is a

? good-for-nothing, my son has all the sins. But the one who steals is her

? daughter, the one who betrays her sister is Elsa.”

恩佐對(duì)我說(shuō)：

Enzo said to me:

“我們走吧站刑，我陪你去博洛尼亞”前伲”

“Let’s go, I’ll go with you to Bologna.”

我們是晚上開車去的绞旅。我剛從羅馬開車回來(lái)，一路上已經(jīng)很累了温艇，但我悲憤交加因悲，痛苦和怒火已經(jīng)消耗了我剩下的全部力氣，緊張的氣氛一過(guò)去勺爱，我就感覺精疲力竭晃琳。我坐在恩佐旁邊，我們駛出了那不勒斯城琐鲁，上了高速公路卫旱，我才漸漸開始為黛黛的狀況擔(dān)憂，我害怕可能會(huì)發(fā)生在艾爾莎身上的事情绣否，而且我也嚇到了伊瑪誊涯，在莉拉面前談到里諾時(shí)，我忘了里諾是她唯一的兒子蒜撮，我為自己的言行感到羞愧。我不知道是不是應(yīng)該打電話給在美國(guó)的彼得羅跪呈，讓他馬上回來(lái)段磨，我不知道自己是不是真的應(yīng)該去報(bào)警『穆蹋“我們會(huì)把這些問(wèn)題都解決了的苹支。”恩佐裝出一副確信的樣子說(shuō)误阻，“你不用擔(dān)心债蜜，即使告了里諾晴埂，也沒什么用⊙岸ǎ”

We left in the car, we traveled at night.

? I had scarcely returned from Rome, the trip in the car had tired me. The

? sorrow and the fury that had arisen had absorbed all my remaining forces and

? now that the tension was easing I felt exhausted. Sitting next to Enzo, as we

? left Naples and got on the highway, what took hold was anxiety for the state

? in which I had left Dede, fear for what could happen to Elsa, some shame for

? the way I had frightened Imma, the way I had spoken to Lila, forgetting that

? Rino was her only child. I didn’t know whether to telephone Pietro in America

? and tell him to come back right away, I didn’t know if I really should go to

? the police. “We’ll solve it ourselves,” Enzo said, feigning confidence.

? “Don’t worry, it’s pointless to hurt the boy.”

“我不想去告里諾儒洛。”我對(duì)他解釋說(shuō)狼速，“我只是想讓警察幫著找到艾爾莎琅锻。”

“I don’t want to report Rino,” I said. “I

? just want them to find Elsa.”

我真是這么想的向胡。我小聲說(shuō)恼蓬，我希望我能找到我女兒，帶她回家僵芹，然后收拾行李处硬，我一分鐘也不想待在那個(gè)家里，不想繼續(xù)待在城區(qū)拇派，待在那不勒斯荷辕。我對(duì)他說(shuō)，這已經(jīng)沒有意義了攀痊，現(xiàn)在我和莉拉開始為了誰(shuí)把孩子教育得好的問(wèn)題吵架桐腌。我們?cè)跔?zhēng)執(zhí)，發(fā)生這樣的事情苟径，到底是她的錯(cuò)還是我的錯(cuò)案站，我受不了了。

It was true. I muttered that I wanted to

? recover my daughter, go home, pack my bags, not remain a minute longer in

? that house, in the neighborhood, in Naples. It makes no sense, I said, that

? now Lila and I start fighting about who brought up her children better, and

? if what happened is her fault or mine—I can’t bear it.

恩佐一直在默默地聽我說(shuō)話棘街，雖然他最近也在生莉拉的氣蟆盐，但他開始為莉拉開脫。他并沒說(shuō)到里諾還有里諾給他母親帶來(lái)的麻煩遭殉，而是說(shuō)到了蒂娜石挂。他說(shuō)：“假如一個(gè)沒幾歲的孩子死了，死了就完了险污，大人遲早也就不想這事兒了痹愚，但假如失蹤了，一點(diǎn)兒消息也沒有蛔糯，那你生活里的一切都再也無(wú)法恢復(fù)了拯腮。蒂娜到底還回不回來(lái)呢？她什么時(shí)候回來(lái)蚁飒？她是活著动壤，還是已經(jīng)死了？”他小聲說(shuō)淮逻，“你時(shí)時(shí)刻刻都在想這個(gè)問(wèn)題琼懊。她是不是在街上流浪阁簸，像吉普賽人一樣？還是她在有錢但沒孩子的人家里當(dāng)女兒哼丈？他們會(huì)不會(huì)讓她做一些丑事兒启妹，然后把那些照片和電影賣掉？她是不是被肢解了削祈，心臟被取出來(lái)高價(jià)賣給了另一個(gè)孩子翅溺？她身體的其他部位被埋葬了，還是被燒了髓抑？或者她整個(gè)被埋了咙崎，因?yàn)樗唤壖軙r(shí)不小心被人弄死了？假如她沒被燒掉吨拍，被埋掉褪猛，不知道她在哪里長(zhǎng)大，她現(xiàn)在是什么樣子的羹饰，以后會(huì)變成什么樣子伊滋，假如在路上遇到她，我們能不能認(rèn)出她來(lái)队秩？假如我們認(rèn)出她來(lái)笑旺，誰(shuí)把我們失去的東西還給我們，我們錯(cuò)過(guò)了蒂娜身上發(fā)生的那些事馍资。蒂娜那時(shí)候很小筒主，她會(huì)不會(huì)覺得自己被遺棄了？”

Enzo listened to me at length, in

? silence, then, although I felt he had been angry at Lila for a long time, he

? began to make excuses for her. He didn’t speak about Rino, about the problems

? he caused his mother, but about Tina. He said: If a being a few years old

? dies, she’s dead, it’s over, sooner or later you resign yourself. But if she

? disappears, if you no longer know anything about her, there’s not a thing

? that remains in her place, in your life. Will Tina never return or will she

? return? And when she returns, will she be alive or dead? Every moment—he

? murmured—you’re asking where she is. Is she a Gypsy on the street? Is she at

? home with rich people who have no children? Are people making her do horrible

? things and selling the photographs and films? Did they cut her up and sell

? her heart for a high price so it could be transplanted to another child’s

? chest? Are the other pieces underground, or were they burned? Or is she under

? the ground intact, because she died accidentally after she was abducted? And

? if earth and fire didn’t take her, and she is growing up who knows where,

? what does she look like now, what will she become later, if we meet her on

? the street will we recognize her? And if we recognize her who will give us

? back everything we lost of her, everything that happened when we weren’t

? there and little Tina felt abandoned?

在他說(shuō)出這些艱難但激烈的話時(shí)鸟蟹，我在車燈下看到了恩佐臉上的淚水乌妙，我明白他不僅僅說(shuō)的是莉拉，他是想表達(dá)自己的痛苦建钥。那次和他出去很重要藤韵，到現(xiàn)在我還很難想出一個(gè)比他更敏感的男人。剛開始熊经，他跟我說(shuō)了在那四年里泽艘，每個(gè)白天和晚上，莉拉一直對(duì)他說(shuō)的或嚷嚷的事情镐依。然后他讓我講講我的工作悉盆，還有我覺得遺憾的事。我跟他講了我的女兒馋吗、書本、男人秋秤，還有一些懊悔的事情宏粤，以及我對(duì)成功的渴望脚翘。我說(shuō)，現(xiàn)在寫東西已經(jīng)成為了一種義務(wù)绍哎，我不分晝夜地努力来农，想讓人感覺我的存在，不要被排擠出去崇堰，就是為了和那些認(rèn)為我是一個(gè)沒天分卻喜歡發(fā)表見解的小女人的人作斗爭(zhēng)沃于。“那些迫害者海诲，”我嘀咕著繁莹，“他們的唯一目的就是讓我失去讀者，他們并沒有一個(gè)很高尚的目的特幔，只是為了阻止我繼續(xù)進(jìn)步咨演，或者他們只是想通過(guò)貶低我，來(lái)抬高他們自己或者他們維護(hù)的人蚯斯”》纾”他讓我發(fā)泄了一下，他贊揚(yáng)了我做事時(shí)投入的激情拍嵌。他說(shuō)：“你看你多投入遭赂，這種狂熱讓你穩(wěn)穩(wěn)地扎根在你選擇的世界里，你已經(jīng)展示出了你所有的才華横辆，尤其是你會(huì)投入所有情感撇他，這樣生活就不會(huì)把你拖著走。對(duì)于你來(lái)說(shuō)龄糊，蒂娜失蹤是一件可怕的事情逆粹，想到這件事情，你可能會(huì)憂傷炫惩，但這已經(jīng)是過(guò)去很久的事兒了僻弹。但對(duì)于莉拉來(lái)說(shuō)，在所有這些年里他嚷，就像天塌下來(lái)蹋绽，雨水從屋檐上掉下來(lái)，她完全陷入了失去女兒留下的空白之中筋蓖。她就停在了蒂娜身上卸耘，在蒂娜之后，那些依然活生生的粘咖、生長(zhǎng)繁茂的東西讓她充滿敵意蚣抗。”他說(shuō)：“她很強(qiáng)勢(shì)瓮下，她對(duì)我態(tài)度很糟糕翰铡，她生你的氣钝域，她會(huì)說(shuō)一些很難聽的話。但是你不知道有多少次她洗著盤子锭魔，或者透過(guò)窗子看著大路例证，她看起來(lái)很平靜，其實(shí)已經(jīng)失去意識(shí)了迷捧≈郑”

At a certain point, while Enzo spoke in

? his laborious but dense sentences, I saw his tears in the glow of the

? headlights, I knew he wasn’t talking only about Lila but was trying to

? express his own suffering as well. That trip with him was important; I still

? find it hard to imagine a man with a finer sensibility than his. At first he

? told me what, every day, every night in those four years Lila had whispered

? or shouted. Then he urged me to talk about my work and my dissatisfactions. I

? told him about the girls, about books, about men, about resentments, about

? the need for approval. And I mentioned all my writing, which now had become

? obligatory, I struggled day and night to feel myself present, to not let

? myself be marginalized, to fight against those who considered me an upstart

? little woman without talent: persecutors—I muttered—whose only purpose is to

? make me lose my audience, and not because they’re inspired by any elevated

? motives but, rather, for the enjoyment of keeping me from improvement, or to

? carve out for themselves or for their protégés some wretched power harmful to

? me. He let me vent, he praised the energy I put into things. You see—he

? said—how excited you get. The effort has anchored you to the world you’ve

? chosen, it’s given you broad and detailed expertise in it, above all it has

? engaged your feelings. So life has dragged you along, and Tina, for you, is

? certainly an atrocious episode, thinking about it makes you sad, but it’s

? also, by now, a distant fact. For Lila, on the other hand, in all these

? years, the world collapsed as if it were hearsay, and slid into the void left

? by her daughter, like the rain that rushes down a drainpipe. She remains

? frozen at Tina, and feels bitter toward everything that continues to be

? alive, that grows and prospers. Of course, he said, she is strong, she treats

? me terribly, she gets angry with you, she says ugly things. But you don’t

? know how many times she has fainted just when she seemed tranquil, washing

? the dishes or staring out the window at the stradone.

29

在博洛尼亞，我們沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)到里諾和我女兒的影子漠秋。盡管在恩佐不懂聲色的恐嚇下笙蒙，莫萊諾把我們帶到了一些他們可能會(huì)去的地方，假如他們?cè)谶@個(gè)城市膛堤，在那些地方他們一定會(huì)受到歡迎手趣。恩佐經(jīng)常給莉娜打電話，我也給黛黛打了電話肥荔。我們希望有好消息绿渣，但是并沒有。這時(shí)候我又陷入了危機(jī)燕耿，我不知道該怎么辦中符。我又一次說(shuō)：

In Bologna we found no trace of Rino and

? my daughter, even though Moreno, frightened by Enzo’s fierce calm, dragged us

? through streets and hangouts where, according to him, if they were in the

? city, the two would certainly have been welcomed. Enzo telephoned Lila often,

? I Dede. We hoped that there would be good news, but there wasn’t. At that

? point I was seized by a new crisis, I no longer knew what to do. I said

? again:

“我要去警察局∮В”

“I’m going to the police.”

恩佐搖了搖頭淀散。

Enzo shook his head.

“再等一下⊙料牵”

“Wait a little.”

“里諾把我的艾爾莎毀了档插。”

“Rino has ruined Elsa.”

“你現(xiàn)在還不能這么說(shuō)亚再。你要看清楚你女兒郭膛，你要看到她們真實(shí)的樣子》招”

“You can’t say that. You have to try to

? look at your daughters as they really are.”

“我對(duì)她們一直很關(guān)心则剃。”

“It’s what I do continuously.”

“是的如捅，但你并不真正了解她們棍现。為了傷害黛黛，艾爾莎什么事兒都能做得出來(lái)镜遣，她們倆在一件事情上態(tài)度是一致的——折磨伊瑪己肮。”

“Yes, but you don’t do it well. Elsa

? would do anything to make Dede suffer and they are in agreement on a single

? point: tormenting Imma.”

“你不要讓我說(shuō)我不想說(shuō)的話：這是莉拉對(duì)她們的看法，你只是重復(fù)了她的話朴肺〗呀＃”

“Don’t make me say mean things: it’s Lila

? who sees them like that and you’re repeating what she says.”

“莉拉很愛你，很欣賞你戈稿，她對(duì)你的幾個(gè)女兒很有感情，是我這么想的讶舰，我說(shuō)這些是為了讓你好好想想鞍盗。不要著急，你看吧跳昼，我們會(huì)找到他們的般甲。”

“Lila loves you, admires you, is fond of

? your daughters. It’s me who thinks these things, and I’m saying them to help

? you be reasonable. Calm down, you’ll see, we’ll find them.”

但我們沒找到他們鹅颊，我們決定回那不勒斯敷存。車開到佛羅倫薩時(shí)，恩佐想給莉拉打一個(gè)電話堪伍，想知道有什么新消息锚烦。他把電話掛上了之后，很不安地對(duì)我說(shuō)：

We didn’t find them, we decided to return

? to Naples. But as we were nearing Florence Enzo wanted to call Lila again to

? find out if there was any news. When he hung up he said, bewildered:

“黛黛要和你談?wù)劦酃停蚰炔恢朗鞘裁词聝轰潭怼！?/p>

“Dede needs to talk to you but Lina

? doesn’t know why.”

“她在你們家嗎尸闸？”

“Is she at your house?”

“沒有彻亲，她在你家∷绷”

“No, she’s at yours.”

我馬上就把電話打過(guò)去了苞尝，我很擔(dān)心是伊瑪生病了。黛黛沒有給我開口的時(shí)間宦芦，她說(shuō)：

I called immediately, I was afraid that

? Imma was sick. Dede didn’t even give me a chance to speak, she said:

“我明天就出發(fā)去美國(guó)宙址，我去那里上學(xué)∽倏酰”

“I’m leaving tomorrow for the United

? States, I’m going to study there.”

我盡量壓抑著自己的聲音曼氛，說(shuō)：

I tried not to shout:

“現(xiàn)在不是說(shuō)這些的時(shí)候，等我一回去令野，我們就和你爸爸說(shuō)舀患。”

“Now is not the moment for that

? conversation, as soon as possible we’ll talk about it with Papa.”

“媽媽气破，有一件事情我要跟你講清楚：我離開這個(gè)家之后聊浅，艾爾莎才能回來(lái)。”

“One thing has to be clear, Mamma: Elsa

? will return to this house only when I am gone.”

“現(xiàn)在最要緊的是要知道她在哪兒低匙】鹾郏”

“For now the most urgent thing is to find

? out where she is.”

她用方言對(duì)著我喊道：

She cried to me in dialect:

“那個(gè)賤人剛剛打了電話，她在奶奶家顽冶∑劭梗”

“That bitch telephoned a little while

? ago, she’s at Grandma’s.”