摩登家庭第一季第一集臺詞

第一集孩子們 吃早飯了

Kids, breakfast!

孩子們 Kids?菲爾把他們叫下來好嗎

Phil, would you get them?

好等下

Yeah. Just a sec.

孩子們Kids!

-

這真是-算了

- That is - Okay.

孩子們 快下來

Kids? Get down here!

我們遠在樓上 你們喊也沒用

Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way

upstairs?

-

發(fā)短信就行了-那是不可能的

- Just text me. - All right. That's not gonna

happen.

你不能穿這套衣服出門And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit.

這衣服怎么了 What's wrong with it?

親愛的 對你女兒這條裙子

Honey, do you have anything to say

-

有什么意見嗎

-

不好意思

- to your daughter about her skirt? - Sorry.

-

挺可愛的嘛寶貝

-

謝了

- Oh, yeah. That looks really cute, sweetheart.

- Thanks.

不行這裙子太短了

No. It's way too short.

大家知道你是女生People know you're a girl.

沒必要穿這么少給他們看 You

don't need to prove it to them.

盧克又把頭卡在欄桿里了Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

我去吧嬰兒油在哪兒

I got it. Where's the baby oil?

在我們床頭的我不知道你自己找

It's on our bedside tab- I don't know. Find it.

拜托 Come on!

我在成長期間很皮 I

was out of control growing up.

你看我坦白了

There, you know? I said it.

我只是不想讓我的孩子 I-I

just don't want my kids...

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犯我一樣的錯 to make the same bad

mistakes I made.

只要海莉沒有半裸著在佛羅里達沙灘上醒來I-If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked

我就完成任務(wù)了I've done my job.

-

我倆的任務(wù)

-

對

- Our job. - Right.

我就算完成了我倆的任務(wù)I've done our job.

加油 曼尼 踢球啊 踢啊

Vamos, Manny! Kick it! Kick it!

別讓他 踢啊

Don't let him- Kick it!

曼尼 加油 往右跑 往右

A la derecha! Manny, go! A la derecha!

不 不 不要啊

No! No, no.

他下絆子 杰怎么沒人吹犯規(guī)

He tripped him, Jay. Where's the penalty?

歌洛莉亞 他們落后了球了 and . Gloria, they're

你小點聲叫喊 Let's take it down a

notch.

我們非常不同 We're very different.

杰來自城市 Jay's from the city.

他的生意做得很大 He

has a big business.

我來自一個小山村 I

come from a small village.

很窮 但風(fēng)景怡人

Very poor but very, very beautiful.

我們村擁有全哥倫比亞最多的It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the-

什么詞來著 What's the word?

兇殺案 Murders.

對 兇殺案

Yes. The murders.

曼尼 攔住他

Manny, stop him!

攔住他 你可以的

Stop him! You can do it!

你真爛 曼尼

Damn it, Manny!

教練 讓那孩子下場

Come on, coach. You gotta take that kid out.

你想讓他下場嗎 不如我讓你"下場"如何

You wanna take him out? How about I take you

out?

-

親愛的-你還是操心你的兒子吧

- Honey, honey. - Why don't you worry about your

son?

他整個上半場光忙著抓褲襠了 He

spent the first half with his hand in his pants!

那話我周來一直想對她說來著I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks.

我叫喬希 萊恩的爸爸

I'm Josh. Ryan's dad.

我叫歌洛莉亞 曼尼的媽媽

Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett. Manny's mother.

-

這是你父親吧-她父親?

- Oh, and this must be your dad. - Her dad?

-

是啊-不 不是真搞笑

- Yeah. - No, no. That's funny.

其實我是她老公

Actually, no, I'm her husband.

別被外表騙了 Don't be fooled by

the, uh-

稍等 Give me a second here.

誰是乖寶寶 是誰啊

Who is a good girl? Who's that?

是誰啊 Who's that?

-

她真可愛

-

謝謝

- Oh, she's adorable. - Oh, thank you.

你好 小公主

Hi, precious. Hello.

我們剛從越南領(lǐng)養(yǎng)了她 Uh,

we just, uh- We just adopted her from Vietnam.這是我們第一次帶她回家 And

we're bringing her home for the first time, huh?

她像個小天使 你們夫妻倆一定很激動

She's an angel. You and your wife must be

thrilled.

抱歉 我來晚了 老爹去買點心了

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks.

大家在聊什么呢 So,

what are we talking about?

我們在一起已經(jīng)...5年了吧?

Uh, we have been together for- guh, five- five

years now?

我們非常想要一個孩子And, uh, we just- we decided we really wanted to have a baby.

一開始 我們想找一個女同性戀朋友做代孕母親

So, we had initially asked one of our lesbian

friends to be a surrogate, but-

后來又想她們平時就夠刻薄了

Then we figured, they're already mean enough.

你能想象她們懷孕后會如何變本加厲嗎 Can

you imagine one of 'em pregnant? Pregnant, no.

還是算了吧 想想就怕

No, thank you. Ick.

你看到?jīng)] 大家在逗莉莉玩

You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over

Lily,

你一走進來 他們就裝作

and then you walk on and suddenly it's all,

看購物雜志 "Ooh, SkyMall.

考慮買個電動領(lǐng)帶架什么的 I

gotta buy a motorized tie rack."

我得教育一下這幫人Allright, you know, I'm gonna give the speech.

千萬別這么做 You are not giving the

speech.

你還得和他們一起呆上小時呢You're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours

好吧 你說得對 我錯了

You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm sorry.

[Cream Puffs

意為泡芙或者娘娘腔]

你看那個拿著泡芙的寶寶

-Look at that baby with those cream puffs.

-好吧 夠了

-Okay. Excuse me

不好意思 Excuse me.

這寶寶原本可能會在人滿為患的孤兒院里成長This baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage

多虧我們這些娘娘腔收養(yǎng)呢 if

it wasn't for us "Cream puffs."

你們這些搞歧視的人 -米奇爾 And you know what? Note to all of you who

judge- Mitchell

給我聽好了 愛不分種族 信仰 不分性別

Hear this. Love knows no race, creed Or gender.

-

我為你們感到羞恥-米奇爾

- And shame on you, - Mitchell.

你們這些狹隘愚昧的 -米奇爾

- you small-minded, ignorant few - Mitchell!

-

干嘛

-

人家說的是泡芙

- What? -She's got the cream puffs.

各位的耳機費我們請了

We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

兄弟 你怎么老是卡在這里面

Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this?

我以為這次能拔出來呢 I

thought I could get out this time.

我直說了吧 他得去檢查一下智商

I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by

a specialist.

好了 你自由了

There. Be free.

亞瑟王之劍拔出來了Excalibur.

-

今天我有朋友來家里玩

-

誰啊

- I'm having a friend over today. - Who?

-

你不認識他

-

他抢埋？

- Uh, you don't know him. - Him? Him?

哇男生你會和他親嘴嗎

Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him?

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-閉嘴

-

別激動別激動

- Shut up. - Easy. Easy.

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-閉嘴

-

你才閉嘴

- Yeah, shut up! - No, you shut up!

盧克和艾麗克斯你們倆出去解決好嗎

Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay?

怎么解決 And do what?

-

在太陽下決斗不錯吧

-

海莉

- Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. -Haley.

我逗你們玩呢 -是誰要來

- I'm kidding. - Who's the boy?

他叫迪蘭 His name is Dylan.

我還是別讓他來算了 I

might as well tell him not to come...

不然你們又得讓我丟臉Because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

親愛的等等

Sweetie, hang on a second.

你 15 歲了還是第一次有男生來家里

You're 15 , and it's the first time you've had a

boy over.

我是有點小吃驚 I'm

bound to be a little surprised,

可我不會讓你丟臉的 but

I'm not gonna embarrass you.

我去給攝像機充好電

I better charge the camcorder.

逗你玩呢別這樣也不看看我是誰

I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to?

我是酷老爹這是我的風(fēng)格

I'm the cool dad. That's- That's my thing.

我酷斃了

我會上網(wǎng)

I'm hip. I- I surf the Web.

我會發(fā)短信

LOL

大聲笑

I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud.

OMG---

餓滴神 "OMG"- Oh, my God.

WTF

意思是苦逼臉 "WTF"- Why the face? [WTF=What the FUCK 意思是搞毛]

《歌舞青春》里所有的舞我都會跳 Um,

you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical,so-

我們現(xiàn)在歡聚一堂We're all in this together

沒錯 Yes, we are

我們都是大明星We're all stars Something, something you know it

-

媽爸

-

什么事

- Mom! Dad! - What happened?

-

盧克用槍射我

-

我不是故意的

- Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to.

-

你沒事吧

-

有事

- Are you okay? - No.

這小賤人用槍射我 The

little bitch shot me.

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-別說臟話 -

Language!

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-只是塑料槍這是意外

They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident.

早就告訴你給他槍就會出事

What did I tell you would happen if you got him

a gun?

-

你看著辦吧

-

老弟不對哦

- Deal with this. - Buddy, uncool.

就這樣不行不行

That's it? That's- No, no, no, no.

我們說好他用槍射了別人你就得射他的

The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you

shoot him.

-

我們當(dāng)時是認真的嗎

-

當(dāng)然是真的

- We were serious about that? - Yes, we were.

所以你現(xiàn)在要按說好的執(zhí)行Andnow you have to follow through.

對不起 -再裝

- I'm so sorry. - Liar.

-

去吧

-

他還要去參加生日會呢

- Go. - He's got a birthday party.

哪個更重要爸爸

What's more important here, Dad?

你可以之后再射他他兩點就能到家

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at

:.

兩點不行 I can't shoot him at

:.

我兩點還得帶人去看房子 I'm

showing a house at :.

-

三點吧

-

不行三點他有足球賽

- What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer game

at 3:00.

然后我們五點就得去赴宴 And

then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at 5:00.

4

點 15 吧你可以在那時候射他

4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15.

行那個時候我有空

Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh!

-

射盧克

-

抱歉記入日程了

- "Shoot Luke." - Sorry, dude. It's on

the calendar.

別這樣啊 Oh, come on!

我不想踢足球了那是小孩玩的

I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children.

不你不能放棄

No, you're not quitting.

對方之所以會進球 You

would have stopped that goal完全是因為你光顧著看小女孩了 if

you weren't staring at that little girl.

她不是女孩她是女人

She is not a girl. She's a woman.

歌洛莉亞你犯得著非要和

You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that

other mom

那個媽媽吵架嗎 Why

do you have to do things like that?

如果有人說我的家人 If

somebody says something about my family,

-

我一定

-

我只是說

- I'm going to - I'm just saying.

你火氣應(yīng)該小一點就這樣

You could take it down here a little bit. That's

all.

沒錯你總是這么忍氣吞聲的

Oh, yeah. 'Cause that's where you live, down

here.

-

可我咽不下這口氣

-

可是

- But I live up here! - Yeah, but,

我只是說你別那么容易激動嘛

you don't have to be so emotional all the

time.That's all I'm saying.

曼尼你也這么覺得吧

Manny, you're with me on this, right?

我要告訴布蘭達·費德曼我愛她 I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

-

天啊

-

曼尼她都 16 歲了

- Oh, for God sakes. - Manny, she's 16.

你不就找了年長的對象嗎 Oh.

It's okay for you to take an older lover?

-

嘿說話注意點

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-我要去她上班的商場

- Hey, watch it. - I wanna go to the mall where

she works.

不過我先得換上我的白襯衫絲綢的那件

But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk

one.

好吧如果你真想這么做的話

Okay. If that's what you really want to do.

說真的不是我要當(dāng)惡毒的后爹

Seriously. Not to be the evil stepdad,

可你要真穿著那臃腫的白襯衣 but

if you put on a puffy white shirt...去向 16 歲的姑娘告白 and declare your love for a 16-year-old,你會被扒得只剩條白內(nèi)褲you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole然后被吊在旗桿上 in

your puffy white underpants.

-

停車

-

你去哪兒

- Stop the car. - Oh, where are you going?

看到?jīng)]

你傷他的心了

See? You hurt his feelings.

要是這能讓他變得堅強點 Ah-

Well, if it toughens him up a little bit then-

媽呀

他去采野花了

Oh, geez. He's picking flowers.

曼尼是個多情種

和他爹一樣

Manny's very passionate, just like his father.

我的前夫

風(fēng)度翩翩

但太瘋狂了

My first husband- he's very handsome, but too

crazy.

我們不是在吵架就是在做愛 It

seemed like all we did was fight and make love,

吵架

做愛

吵架

做愛

fight and make love, fight and make love.

說真的

有一次

我們從窗口摔下去了

One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the

window together

你們當(dāng)時到底在做什么Which- Which one were you doing?

我也是第一次聽說 I'm

hearing this for the first time.

你不擔(dān)心嗎 This doesn't worry

you?

她在飛機上就沒怎么睡

現(xiàn)在還很清醒

She barely slept on the plane and she's still

wide awake.

-

別想多了

-

不想才怪

- Oh, stop worrying. - I can't.

那個孤兒院里都是女人That- That orphanage was all women.

也許離開女性柔軟的懷抱

她就睡不著

Maybe she just- she can't fall asleep unless she

feels a woman's shape.

-

有可能

-

那你抱著她

- I guess that's possible. - So here.

你這話是什么意思What the hell is that supposed to mean?

沒錯 Yes,

在等待領(lǐng)養(yǎng)孩子的期間

我是長胖了一點

I've gained a few extra pounds while we were

expecting the baby,

過程相當(dāng)艱辛 which has been very

difficult.

但顯然你的身體會 But

apparently your body

產(chǎn)生一些母性的本能反應(yīng)does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing...

來儲存養(yǎng)分 where it retains

nutrients像是分子生理學(xué)那類的some sort of molecular physiology thing.

那是科學(xué)事實 But that's science.

人類

根本無力抵抗

You can't- You can't fight it, so-

-

我沒別的意思

-

你就是話里有話

- I'm not saying anything. - You're saying

everything.

-

數(shù)到

-

- Count to three. - One, two-

-

-

好吧

- Three. - Okay.

-

小卡

真美

-

我的天

你喜歡嗎

- Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. - Oh, my God. Do

you love it?

當(dāng)然 Yes, I-

我

這是什么玩意 What the hell is that?

我讓安珠爾趁我們不在時畫的 I

had Andre do it while we were gone.

那是我倆嗎

還有翅膀

Is that us, with wings?

我們在她的上方

永遠守護著她

We're floating above her, always there to

protect her.

這真讓人心安

對吧

莉莉

Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right, Lily?

我們把你從熟悉的環(huán)境中搶出來Yes, we tore you away from everything you know,

可別擔(dān)心

新環(huán)境一切"正常"

but don't worry, things are normal here.

你的大爸二爸可是飛天小精靈哦Your fathers are floating fairies.

不行

你能叫安珠爾

No, can you call Andre,

重新畫點不那么基情的東西嗎have him paint something a little less gay?

另外

我們也該少和安珠爾往來

By the way, we need to stop having friends

他名字也太娘了with names like Andre.

-

紅發(fā)老爹怒火旺盛

-

我才不是

- Redheaded dad is angry daddy. - No, I'm not.

你就是 Yes, you are.

回來的路上

連胡嬌都看出來了

Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from

the airport.

你看

又一個娘氣的名字

胡嬌

Okay, that's another one- Pepper.

你到底怎么不爽Okay, what's up?

好吧

聽著

All right, look. I-

我還沒有告訴家里領(lǐng)養(yǎng)孩子的事 I-

I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

-

而且

-

我知道

- And... - I know.

-

你知道

-

我不怪你

我了解你家人

- You do? - Yeah, and I don't blame you. I know

your family.

你一告訴他們

他們就開始說三道四

You'd tell 'em. They'd say something judgmental.

-

就是這樣

-

然后你就會生氣

- Exactly. - You'd get mad.

沒錯 當(dāng)?shù)驹撌且患彩?/p>

I know. And then something that's supposed to be

nothing but joyful

轉(zhuǎn)眼就變成一團混戰(zhàn)

suddenly turns into this huge fight.

誰愿意讓事情變得一團糟呢 And

who wants a big, emotional scene like that?

謝謝

謝謝

Thank you. Thank you.

你能理解我

真是讓我松了一口氣

I'm so- I'm so relieved you understand.

所以我邀請了他們今晚來吃飯 I

invited them over for dinner tonight.

-

什么

-

我也是不得已

- What? - I had to.

這樣下去沒完沒了

你就只會逃避

This would have gone on forever. You're an

avoider.

不

小卡

我現(xiàn)在就打電話取消這件事

No. No. No. Cam, I'm calling them right now and

canceling.

不準(zhǔn)打 No, you're not.

今晚你得把領(lǐng)養(yǎng)的事告訴全家人You're telling your family you adopted a baby, tonight.

你就是喜歡逃避

連朗吉娜都這么說

And you do have avoidance issues. Even Longinus

said so.

你自己聽聽

這些名字有多娘

Are- Are you really not hearing these names?

你們別管了

我來開門

Don't answer it! I'll get it!

你好

你一定是迪蘭吧

Hi. Hey, you must be Dylan.

-

是的

迪蘭

-

我是海莉的媽媽

- Hey. Dylan. Yeah. - I'm Haley's mother. -

我們走吧 -那個

- Come on. Let's go. - Okay. Um-

等一下 Hang on one second.

迪蘭

你還在念高中嗎

Dylan, you're still in high school?

-

是

我高三了

-

高三

很好

- Yeah, I'm a senior. -A senior. Okay. Cool.

菲爾

親愛的

這是迪蘭

他讀高三

Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey. He is Dylan, and he

is a senior.

你得給他個下馬威 You

have to scare him.

讓我瞧瞧這個花心大少 Let

me meet this "Playa."

在下菲爾·鄧菲 Phil Dunphy, yo.

就是這樣

你只需死盯著他們看

It's like that. You just- You just stare down at

'em,

用眼神中的殺氣震住他們 let

the eyes do the work.

你嘴上說著

沒問題

Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we

cool,"

可你的眼神說

才怪

but your eyes are like, "No, we not."

很高興見到你

才怪

"Nice to meet you." "No, it's

not."

挺不錯嘛 "It's all

good."

才怪 "No, it's

not."

-

我看你倆已經(jīng)

-

等一下

- Okay, I see you two guys- - Wait, wait, wait.

你們倆 You two-

你倆要坦誠相待

懂嗎

小子

You two keep it real, know what I mean, son?

不太懂 Not really.

-

求求你

別說了

-

沒事

- Please, stop. - That's cool.

-

媽呀我的背

-

親愛的

- Ow. Oh, God! That's my back. - Oh, honey. Sweetheart.

我被嬰兒油滑倒了 Ow!

Oh! I slipped in the baby oil.

你哪兒冒出來的啊"Oh, where you from originally?"

單挑的話

我輕而易舉就能放倒你

"I could defeat you if it came to a

physical confrontation."

我不知道該怎么辦

要打電話叫醫(yī)生嗎

I don't know about this. Should I call a doctor?

不用不用

好了

No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

-

小樣兒挺強壯的啊

-

謝謝夸獎

- You're very strong, homes. - Thanks.

-

好

輕輕放下我

-

好了

- Okay. Nice- Nice soft landing. - There you go.

-

行了我們走吧

-

我還側(cè)躺著

- Okay, let's go. Come on. - I am on my side

though.

現(xiàn)在只需把我放平

就沒事了

So just flip me right back, and we're good.

就沒事了 We'll be good.

只需要把我翻過來就行 I

just need to get flipped right on my back,

就沒事了 and we should be fine.

So-

布蘭達·費爾曼 Brenda Feldman.

-

你拿的什么

-

我為布蘭達·費爾曼寫的詩

- What is that? - A poem I have written for Brenda

Feldman.

不用想也知道 Of course it is.

我將心事化為文字

將文字用于行動

I put my thoughts into words and now my words

into action.

你取消行動的話

我就給你 50 塊錢

Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this.

我才 11 歲而已

要那么多錢干什么

I'm 11 years old. What am I gonna do with money?

你這年紀要 16 歲的花姑娘又能干什么 What are you gonna do with a 16 -year-old?

-

他就像個斗牛士

-

你見過斗牛嗎

- He's like a bullfighter. - Mmm. You ever see a

bullfight?

我看不下去了

-

我知道你心情不好

I can't watch this. - You're in such a bad mood.

我也知道原因

因為那人以為你是我爸爸

And I know why. It's because that man thought

you were my father.

-

不是的

-

就是

- No. - Yes.

-

不是

-

你這樣否認時

就代表是

- No. - When you say "No" like that,

it's always "Yes."

別這樣 我們都到商場了

Come on. We're in the mall.

給你買點年輕的衣服吧Let's get you, like, some younger clothes.

-

那邊有家店

-

我不需要年輕的衣服

- There's a store there. - I don't need any

younger clothes.

我也不在乎那些 And

I don't care what some jackass

穿著破牛仔褲的混蛋如何看我 in

a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.

沒錯

你不用在乎他們

Good. You shouldn't.

你只要在乎我的想法就行了 You

should only care what I think.

我愛你

我不在意你的年紀

I love you, and I don't care how old you are.

所以別郁悶了

對曼尼也別那么兇

So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being so

hard on Manny

我對曼尼嚴格只是因為 The

only reason I'm hard on Manny...

我不想讓他出洋相

Is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself.

我從這兒都能聞到他的發(fā)膠味了 And

I can smell that hair goo of his from here.

我不知道他那里會發(fā)生什么Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there.

可你是他的家人

這就意味著

But you're his family now, and that means only

one thing-

你只可背后送春風(fēng)

不可當(dāng)面唾其臉

You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his

face.

-

啥玩意

-

這是我媽常掛嘴邊的話

- What? -It's something my mom always says.

用西班牙語說很華麗的It's gorgeous in Spanish.

瞧

他來了

Look, he's there.

-

她名花有主了

-

真遺憾

小寶貝

- She has a boyfriend. - Oh, I'm sorry, mi nino.

我把心獻給了她 I

gave her my heart,

她卻還了一幅把我畫成老式警長的圖 she

gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

-

我真傻是吧

-

才不是呢小寶貝

- That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? - No,

mi amor.

你是勇氣可嘉

對吧

杰

勇氣可嘉

It was brave. Right, Jay? Brave.

下次你就會進步了W-Well, you'll know better next time.

來

我們買椒鹽卷去

Come on. Let's get a pretzel.

沒事

我挺喜歡這畫的

Mentira. A me se me gusta.

先生

不好意思

Uh, excuse me, sir.

在商場散步鍛煉的人必須靠右邊走 We

ask that all mall-walkers stay to the right.

艾麗克斯

出去

媽媽你看她

Alex, get out! Mom!

艾麗克斯

別去煩你姐姐

Alex, leave your sister alone.

我只是進去拿我的書而已

至于嗎

I was just getting my book. Gosh.

我知道

親愛的

可你要尊重個人隱私

I know, sweetie. But you need to respect their

privacy.

-

他們在樓上干嘛呢

-

沒干嘛

- What are they doing up there? - Nothing.

躺在她床上并肩看電影

Lying on her bed, watching a movie.

很好

很好

Okay. Okay.

我在為今晚的聚餐準(zhǔn)備蛋糕 Um,

I'm making a cake for tonight.

你想幫我做糖霜嗎 You

wanna help me with the frosting?

好啊 Sure.

要是海莉懷孕了 So,

you know, if Haley got pregnant,

你會假裝她得了腮腺炎

請假在家

would you ever pretend she has mono for a few

months,

然后告訴別人那孩子是你的嗎 and

then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?

-

什么

-

有個高中生請了 4 個月病假

- What? - This senior at school was "Out

sick" for four months,

可吉娜·瑞斯尼克發(fā)誓說看到她 but Jenna Resnick swears she saw her

breast-feeding

在自助洗車站給孩子喂奶 at

a coin-op car wash.

老弟

你穿了多少衣服啊

Buddy, what are you wearing?

-

沒穿多少

-

把外套脫了

- Nothing. - Uh-uh. No jacket.

只能戴一頂帽子 One

hat.

你穿了幾條內(nèi)褲啊 How

many pairs of underwear do you have on?

就條 One.

是條 Six.

首先

看海莉懷孕變胖還蠻爽的

First of all, it would be really cool to see

Haley that fat.

更酷的是And how awesome would it be

多了個假弟弟

實際上是我親外甥

to have a fake little brother who's really my

nephew.

海莉才不會懷孕Haley is not getting pregnant.

-

我只是說假如

-

我知道

- Just saying "If." - I know.

我知道你喜歡找你姐的茬兒 And

I know you like to make trouble for your sister,

不過這次不管用了 but

it's not gonna work this time.

知道為啥嗎

因為你姐是個好女孩

You know why? 'Cause your sister's a good girl.

我明白

因為她和我當(dāng)年一模一...

I know. I was just like her when I was-

要知道

我也不想這么做

I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this.

可你得吸取這個教訓(xùn) But

this is an important lesson that you're learning.

所以

記好了

記住了

So, soak it. Keep it.

你站太近了 這樣會很疼的

You're too close. It's gonna hurt.

就是要你疼 It's supposed to hurt.

-

你干嘛賤賤地笑

-

我笑了嗎

- And why are you smiling? - I'm- What?

算了

我下不了手

Oh, forget it. I can't do this.

就是要讓你害怕

你已經(jīng)學(xué)到教訓(xùn)了

The point is you're scared. I think you've

learned your lesson.

媽

你干什么啊

Mom! What are you doing?

我是來放洗好的衣服 Oh,

hey! I was just, um, dropping off some laundry.

-

打擾到你們了嗎

-

當(dāng)然

- Is this a bad time? - Yeah.

那我走好了 Oh. Okay.

你能把門帶上嗎 Uh,

can you shut the door, please?

我們還是讓門開著吧Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open.

為啥 Why?

因為這種場景我見多了Because I have, uh, seen this little show before-

和高大的學(xué)長共臥一塌Lying on the bed with a tall senior.

上一秒還只是一起看《鷹冠莊園》的朋友 One

minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest,

下一秒你們就鉆進游戲桌下 and

the next you're lying underneath the air hockey table

寬衣解帶了 with your bra in your

pocket.

媽媽 Mom!

-

你打到我的骨頭了

-

純屬意外

- You hit my bone! - It was an accident!

-

我以為你是我哥們呢

-

我是啊

- I thought you were my friend! - I am your

friend.

爸爸

你必須和媽媽談?wù)?/p>

Dad! Dad, Dad. You have got to talk to Mom.

她簡直是瘋了

而且丟盡了我的臉

She is, like, completely freaking out and

embarrassing me!

寶貝

你媽是不像你爸那么通情達理

Honey, your mom isn't always as cool about

things as-

這玩意怎么回事啊What is with this thing?

我爸 My dad.

我爸對這事還是不太習(xí)慣 Uh,

my dad still isn't completely comfortable with this.

已經(jīng)過了 5 年了

他還是無法完全接受

Um- He-He still does this thing. It's been five

years now.

每次他要進入我和小卡在的房間時 And

he still does this thing where he announces himself...

他都會先喊一聲before walking into any room we're in...

以防撞見我和小卡親嘴just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss. 要是我媽也有這個習(xí)慣就好了

Wish my mother had that system.

-

還記得嗎

-

以后再說

- Remember? - Not now.

我真不敢相信你這么對我 I

still can't believe you did this to me.

你能高興點嗎

這是個慶祝會啊

Would you get in the spirit of things? It's a

celebration.

天啊 Oh, God.

-

我去給莉莉打扮一下

-

好

- Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready. - Okay.

-

我要你對他們實話實說

-

好吧

- And I want you to just come straight out with

it. - All right.

聽話

你能做到的

Okay. You can do this.

來個運動員式的撞胸Yeah. Sports guy chest bump.

-

不要

-

來撞一個

- No. - Sports guy chest bump.

-

小卡

好了

-

上吧

- Cam. Oh! All right. Go - Do it.

抱歉 Sorry.

-

你好啊

-

大家好啊

- How are you? - Hi, guys. Hey.

看起來很美味啊

謝謝

That looks good. Oh, thank you. Thanks.

不用謝

打開吧

爸爸后腳馬上就到

Don't thank us. Open it. Dad is coming right

behind.

有人嗎

我們要進來了

Knock, knock! We're here. Coming in!

別擔(dān)心爸爸

我們沒在里面搞基

Don't worry, Dad. Nothing gay going on here.

能幫你脫下這繽紛外套和閃亮小帽嗎 May

I take your multicolored coat and bejeweled cap?

-

拿去吧

-

杰你好啊

- Yeah. Yeah. - Hey, Jay.

-

你好

歌洛莉亞

-

你好

- Gloria, hi. - Hi.

-

老爸你還好嗎

-

歌洛莉亞

你好

- How are you? Hi, Dad. - Hi, Gloria. How are

you?

-

裙子真漂亮

-

謝謝你

菲爾[摸摸]

- Oh, what a beautiful dress. - Ay, thank you,

Phil.

好吧 Okay.

菲爾 Oh, hey, Phil.

["Phil

菲爾"和"feel 觸摸"音相似]

她是叫你名字

不是要你去摸

That's how she says "Phil." Not

"Feel." Phil.

-

旅行怎么樣

-

挺好的

真的

- So how was your trip? - It was good. It was

good actually.

關(guān)于這事 But, um, about that,

I- I

我有些事要告訴你們have something that I need to tell you guys.

我們?nèi)ピ侥喜还馐菫榱寺糜?Um-

Uh, we didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure.

我們有重要消息宣布 We,

uh, kind of have some big news. 天啊 要是小卡隆了胸 我立馬走人

Oh, God. If Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm

leaving.

-

爸爸

-

我希望你的家長沒讓你覺得丟人

媽

- Dad. - I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom.

別管她

海莉今天首次帶男生回家

Oh, don't mind her. Haley had her first boy over

today...

菲爾就給了他一槍 And

Phil shot him.

總之

一年前

Anyway, um, so, about- about a year ago,

小卡和我開始渴望有一個 Cam

and I started feeling this longing, you know,

有一個

孩子

for something more, like, uh, maybe a baby?

-

這主意很糟糕

-

你說糟糕是什么意思

- Ooh, that's a bad idea. - What do you mean,

"Bad idea"?

孩子需要有媽媽W(xué)ell, kids need a mother.

如果你們倆無聊了

可以養(yǎng)條狗

I mean if you two guys are bored, get a dog.

我們不是閑得無聊

爸

Okay, we're not bored, Dad.

我支持米奇爾

盡管你不是我親生的

I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not

my son.

我覺得爸爸的意思是I-I-I-I think what Dad is trying to say...

米奇爾

你有點緊張兮兮的

is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight.

孩子就意味著麻煩

你沒法處理這種事

Kids bring chaos, and- and you don't handle it

well.

爸爸可不是這個意思That's not what Dad's saying.

這是你的意思 That's what you're

saying.

而且是從另一個角度羞辱了我 And

it's insulting in a whole different way.

好了

各位都冷靜點

Okay, people. Let's all "Chillax."

-

卡梅隆舅夫呢

-

多謝多謝

- Hey, where's Uncle Cameron? - Thank you. Thank

you.

總算有人發(fā)現(xiàn)他不在了

而不是光羞辱我

Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not

here.

原來你的重要消息就是這個啊 Oh,

so that's the big announcement, huh?

你倆分手了嗎 You two broke up.

領(lǐng)養(yǎng)個孩子也挽救不了破裂的婚姻Well- Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway.

老實說

你們分了也好

And let me tell you. You're better off,

他就喜歡小題大做because he was a bit of a drama queen.

不是的

打住

打住

No, no, no. Stop. Stop. No.

你們到我家來

還羞辱我和我的男朋友

You come into my house and you insult me and my

boyfriend,

而且他才沒有小題大做

who, by the way, is not that dramatic-

我們領(lǐng)養(yǎng)了一個寶寶 We

adopted a baby.

她名叫莉莉 Her name is Lily. 激動吧 -停下來

- Exciting! - Just turn it off.

我停不下來

這就是我的個性

I can't turn it off. It's who I am.

-

我是說音樂

-

關(guān)音樂啊

- The music. - Oh, yes, the music.

來和莉莉打招呼吧Come say hi to Lily.

看看這個小公主 Ay,

miren a la princesita.

真是個小公主 The little princess.

-

她好可愛

-

多謝夸獎

- She's so cute! - Thank you.

讓我看看

讓我看看

Let me see her. Let me see her.

你好啊

莉莉

Hi there, Lily.

莉莉

對她來說不是很難發(fā)音嗎

"Lily." Isn't that gonna be hard for her to say?

-

菲爾打住

-

我說

- Phil. - Excuse me.

我知道我說了領(lǐng)養(yǎng)這個主意很糟糕Okay, I-I-I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea.

可我又懂什么呢But, uh, what do I know?

我也不是個模范父親 I

mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood.

一輩子都想做好爸爸

可我還是搞砸了

Been trying all my life to get it right. I'm

still screwing up.

-

對吧曼尼

-

我在車上為此寫了首歌

- Right, Manny? - I wrote a song about it in the

car.

意料之中 Of course you did.

不管怎樣

我為你們感到高興

Anyway, I'm happy for you.

你們要知道 And, uh, you should

know that, uh,

我不是來唾你們臉的 I'm

not here to spit in your face,

我是來給你們

吹吹后背春風(fēng)的

I'm here to... blow at your back.

-

我不懂你的意思

-

我也不懂

- I don't understand what that means. - I don't-

這話用西班牙語說比較好聽Well, it's- it's supposed to sound better in Spanish.

[

良言一句三冬暖

惡語傷人六月寒]

真好聽

真美

Oh, that's beautiful. That's really nice.

也謝謝你 And thank you too.

總之

米奇

Anyhow, Mitch, uh-

不用了

爸爸

No, Dad, it's- it's- -

-

我來抱她

-

她哭了

- I got her. I got her. - Oh, she's crying.

她要爺爺抱

她要爸爸抱

She wants her grandpa! She wants her daddy!

-

想見見爺爺嗎

-

開什么玩笑

- Do you wanna meet Grandpa? - What? Are you

kidding?

她是自家人了

讓我瞧瞧你這跟屁蟲

She's one of us now. Let me see the little pot

sticker.

你真是個小可愛

對嗎

Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you?

看看這個 Ah. Look at this.

我們來自不同的世界

但我們彼此相容

We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit

together.

愛將我們緊緊相連

共度風(fēng)風(fēng)雨雨

Love is what binds us, through fair or stormy

weather.

我到你的前面

只有一事相許

I stand before you now with only one agenda-

我的心只屬于你"To let you know my heart is yours,

布蘭達·費爾曼 Feldman comma Brenda."

不是吧我靠 I mean, seriously.

至今為止

盧克在籃球上還沒贏過我

Luke, so far, hasn't beaten me in basketball.

2

比0

2

比0

來吧

It's 2-0.2 -0. Okay. Okay.

-

手下敗將

滾吧

-

爸爸

住手

- Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen! - Dad,

stop it!

幫個忙好嗎

站過去

Can you do me a favor? Just grab-

籃下的滋味如何How's the weather down there?

等到他贏過我的那一天 But

when the day comes that he does win-

如果有那么一天 if-

you know- if/when-

他打敗了我

我會說

he beats me, I'm just gonna be like,

干得好

干得好

"Well done. Well done."

就這樣支持他 Just, like, let him-

Just support him...

就是這樣 in- in- in that kind

of stuff.

我可能會說 I mean, I'd probably

want to go, like,

三局兩勝才算贏

再來一局什么的

two out of three and just see what happens

there, but-

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