From: the 7 habits Of highly effective people
Author: Steven R covey
Translator: 一切都還不晚
譯文僅供個(gè)人學(xué)習(xí)拭嫁，不用于任何形式商業(yè)目的，轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明原作者、文章來(lái)源廓鞠、翻譯作者，版權(quán)歸原文作者所有谣旁。
This Personality Ethic, I began to realize, was the subconscious source of the solutions Sandra and I were attempting to use with our son. As I thought more deeply about the difference between the Personality and Character Ethics, I realized that Sandra and I had been getting social mileage out of our children's good behavior, and, in our eyes, this son simply didn't measure up.
我開(kāi)始意識(shí)到床佳，人格魅力就是曾經(jīng)我們?cè)噲D用來(lái)解決我們兒子的問(wèn)題的解決方案，這種方法就是存在于我們的潛意識(shí)里榄审。隨著我對(duì)于人格魅力與性格倫理二者區(qū)別的深入思考砌们，我領(lǐng)會(huì)到我的妻子和我已經(jīng)從孩子們的良好行為中獲得了社交突破，同時(shí)在我們的眼中瘟判，這個(gè)兒子還沒(méi)有達(dá)到期望怨绣。
Our image of ourselves, and our role as good, caring parents, was even deeper than our image of our son and perhaps influenced it. There was a lot more wrapped up in the way we were seeing and handling the problem than our concern for our son's welfare.
我們總想做一個(gè)好的、有關(guān)愛(ài)之心的父母拷获，維持良好的形象篮撑，甚至遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)了我們對(duì)孩子的期望，這一心理也影響了我們對(duì)待孩子們的看法匆瓜。在維護(hù)這個(gè)形象的過(guò)程中我們做了很多的努力赢笨，甚至遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)了我們應(yīng)該對(duì)孩子帶來(lái)福祉所做的努力未蝌。
As Sandra and I talked, we became painfully aware of the powerful influence of our own character and motives and of our perception of him. We knew that social comparison motives were out of harmony with our deeper values and could lead to conditional love and eventually to our son's lessened sense of self-worth. So we determined to focus our efforts on us—not on our techniques, but on our deepest motives and our perception of him.
當(dāng)我和妻子交流這件事時(shí)，我們感到有些悲傷茧妒，我們意識(shí)到我們自己的品格與動(dòng)機(jī)已經(jīng)深深的影響了我們對(duì)待他的看法萧吠。我們明白了，社交比較動(dòng)機(jī)是不符和我們內(nèi)心的價(jià)值觀的桐筏，我們給他們的愛(ài)是有條件的纸型，最終導(dǎo)致了我們的兒子自我評(píng)價(jià)很低。因此梅忌，我們決定從自身去努力狰腌，不是去尋找技巧，而是從我們內(nèi)心最深處的動(dòng)機(jī)與對(duì)他的看法上下功夫牧氮。
Instead of trying to change him, we tried to stand apart—to separate us from him—and to sense his identity, individuality, separateness, and worth.
我們不再試圖去改變他琼腔，而是試著站到一旁，把我們與他區(qū)分開(kāi)來(lái)踱葛，同時(shí)努力發(fā)現(xiàn)他自己的特色丹莲、個(gè)性、獨(dú)立性以及價(jià)值尸诽。
Through deep thought and the exercise of faith and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his own uniqueness. We saw within him layers and layers of potential that would be realized at his own pace and speed. We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge.
通過(guò)深入的思考以及對(duì)信念與禱告的實(shí)踐甥材，我們開(kāi)始發(fā)現(xiàn)兒子身上的一些獨(dú)特之處，我們也看到隱藏在他身上的諸多潛能性含，這些都在他自己的節(jié)奏下一一展現(xiàn)擂达。我們心中的石頭落下了，并決定讓他隨著自己的個(gè)性去發(fā)展胶滋。
We saw our natural role as being to affirm, enjoy, and value him. We also conscientiously worked on our motives and cultivated internal sources of security so that our own feelings of worth were not dependent on our children's “acceptable” behavior.
我發(fā)現(xiàn)當(dāng)我們開(kāi)始承認(rèn)他板鬓，讓他快樂(lè)，展現(xiàn)他的價(jià)值時(shí)究恤，我們也找到了我們存在的本質(zhì)俭令。與此同時(shí)，我們也認(rèn)真的處理我們的動(dòng)機(jī)部宿，培養(yǎng)我們的內(nèi)心的安全感抄腔，以便讓我們的價(jià)值感不是基于孩子們的可以被接受這一行為了。
As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him.
隨著我們丟掉那些看待兒子的陳舊看法理张，同時(shí)建立起基于價(jià)值的動(dòng)機(jī)時(shí)赫蛇，全新的感受涌上心頭，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)我們能夠開(kāi)始讓他快樂(lè)雾叭，這取代了之前的將他與他人對(duì)比悟耘，以及給他下定論。
We stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations. We stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the ridicule of others.
我們不再試圖讓他成為我們的翻版的织狐，不再以他是否達(dá)到社會(huì)期望來(lái)衡量他暂幼，我們也不再試圖用看似親切的筏勒，積極的方法操縱他成為一個(gè)被社會(huì)認(rèn)可的人。正因?yàn)槲覀兡軓母旧险J(rèn)為他已經(jīng)能夠應(yīng)對(duì)生活了旺嬉，因此我們也不再因?yàn)樗麜?huì)被人嘲笑而去保護(hù)他管行。
He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to. “We don't need to protect you,” was the unspoken message. “You're fundamentally okay.”
由于曾經(jīng)一直處在我們的保護(hù)傘下，因此這個(gè)過(guò)程中他經(jīng)歷了一些痛苦邪媳，他向我們?cè)V說(shuō)他的痛苦捐顷，但是我們僅僅傾聽(tīng)他的訴說(shuō)，并沒(méi)有給他想要的回應(yīng)雨效√撞耍“你不再需要我們的保護(hù)”，這句話的潛臺(tái)詞是“現(xiàn)在的你是能行的设易，你再也不能依賴我們的保護(hù)了”。
As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social criteria—academically, socially and athletically—at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural developmental process.
隨著時(shí)間的推移蛹头，他開(kāi)始感到相當(dāng)?shù)淖孕挪⑶艺J(rèn)可他自己顿肺。他開(kāi)始在他的節(jié)奏之下綻放光芒，如果以當(dāng)時(shí)的社會(huì)標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來(lái)衡量他渣蜗，那么不論是在功課上屠尊、社交上，還是在體育運(yùn)動(dòng)上耕拷，他都是杰出的讼昆。而這一切都發(fā)生在快速轉(zhuǎn)變之間，遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)了所謂的自然發(fā)展進(jìn)程骚烧。
As the years passed, he was elected to several student body leadership positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards. He developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways to all kinds of people.
幾年之后浸赫，他當(dāng)選為學(xué)生團(tuán)體的帶頭人，成為州的運(yùn)動(dòng)員赃绊，而且不斷的在功課上獲得優(yōu)秀既峡，不僅如此他還鍛煉出坦誠(chéng)、樸實(shí)的性格碧查，這使他能夠與周圍不同性格的人相處融洽运敢。
Sandra and I believe that our son's “socially impressive” accomplishments were more a serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward. This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our other children and in other roles as well. It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital difference between the Personality Ethic and the Character Ethic of success. The Psalmist expressed our conviction well: “Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.”
我的妻子和我始終堅(jiān)信，我們的兒子能取得這些成績(jī)忠售，更多的是因?yàn)樗駨牧藘?nèi)心的感受而獲得的驚喜传惠，而不是僅僅是對(duì)社會(huì)獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)的一種回應(yīng)。這對(duì)妻子和我來(lái)說(shuō)真的是一種非常特殊的體驗(yàn)稻扬，這在我們教育其他子女以及在其他的角色中都很有指導(dǎo)意義卦方。這也提醒了我們，人格魅力與性格倫理對(duì)個(gè)人的成功是有著天壤之別的泰佳，下面的贊美詩(shī)很好的表達(dá)了我們的信念：“努力遵從你的內(nèi)心吧愿汰，以此來(lái)解決生活中的問(wèn)題困后。”
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