101 3 One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: Come on, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.? So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine!? Be murky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know,? how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?? A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.? He sits back down defeated again.? A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?? Decide!

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe:? If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Joey: I say push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:? Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.? These are a few...

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.? The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?? Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe.

Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross: A wandering?

Monica: Change!? Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey:? Hey, Paul!

Paul: Yeah?

Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.? It's been kinda a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.? La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch?? Wow!? The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.? And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced!? I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.? You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.? Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!? I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]

Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

Paul: Isn't there?

Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

Paul: It's okay...

Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

Paul: Two years.

Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]

Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.

Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Joey: Great story!? But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea...? Oh man, (looks to Chandler)

Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.

Joey: Right.? Thanks.? It's June.? I'm outta here. (Exits.)

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

Chandler: That is amazing.

Joey: Congratulations.

Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.

Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.

All: Morning. Good morning.

Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

Joey: Morning, Paul.

Rachel: Hello, Paul.

Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?

(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear.? The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)

Paul: Thank you!? Thank you so much!

Monica: Stop!

Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.

Monica: We'll talk later.

Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.

All: Okayyy! (They do so.)

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.

Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.

Joey: Look, it was a job all right?

Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man.? Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time!

Rachel: Want a wedding dress?? Hardly used.

Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!

Monica: What for?

Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

(Monica exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]

Frannie: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?

Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?

Monica: How do you do that?

Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!? So? Who?

Monica: You know Paul?

Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

Monica: I hate men!? I hate men!

Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)

Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?

Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!

(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)

Rachel: Guess what?

Ross: You got a job?

Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!

Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...

Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

Monica: How'd you pay for them?

Rachel: Uh, credit card.

Monica: And who pays for that?

Rachel: Um... my... father.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.? Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.

Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...

Monica: All right, you ready?

Rachel: No.? No, no, I'm not ready!? How can I be ready?? "Hey, Rach!? You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?"? Come on, I can't do this!

Monica: You can, I know you can!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Ross: Come on, you made coffee!? You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)

Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)

Rachel: Y'know what?? I think we can just leave it at that.? It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

Monica:? Rachel!? That was a library card!

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]

Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?

Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.

Monica: You be okay?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?

Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.

(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

Rachel: Sorry-

Ross: No no no, go-

Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-

Ross: Split it?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

Rachel: Goodnight.

Ross: Goodnight.

(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)

Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?

Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...

Monica: What? I-I said you had a-

Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...

Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?

Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?

All: Yes!

Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.

Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.

Ross: There's an image.

Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?

Rachel: I'm just serving it.

All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)

Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss?? More coffee?

Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry.? Okay, Las Vegas.

Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-

End

101 試播

沒什么好說的峦椰！他不過是我的同事军熏！

少來了，你和那個人一起出去捂蕴！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有問題迅耘！

打住酗电，喬伊，嘴下留德典徊。他駝背杭煎？既駝背又帶假發(fā)？

慢著卒落，他吃粉筆嗎羡铲？

我只是不想你重蹈我和卡爾的覆轍。

各位別急儡毕，這不算約會也切。我們不過是出去吃晚餐，而且不做愛腰湾。

聽起來好像是說我的約會雷恃。

記得中學時代的夢，我站在自助餐廳费坊，突然發(fā)現(xiàn)自己全身赤裸倒槐。

我做過那樣的夢。

我低頭一看葵萎，看見有一支電話……在那兒导犹。

而不是……？

沒錯羡忘。

我沒做過那樣的夢,沒有谎痢。

那支電話突然響起，而我不知道怎么辦卷雕，每個人都開始望著我节猿。

他們以前不看你嗎？！

終于滨嘱，我認為我應該接峰鄙，結果是我媽打來，我感到很奇怪太雨，因為我媽不曾打過電話給我吟榴！

嗨。

這家伙向我打招呼時我就想自殺囊扳。

你還好吧吩翻？

我感覺有人把手伸入我的喉嚨，抓起我的腸子锥咸，從我的口中取出狭瞎，然后綁在我脖上……

餅干？

卡羅今天把她的東西搬走了搏予。

- 我?guī)湍闩荼Х龋?/p>

謝了熊锭。

不要……別清理我的靈氣⊙┙模可是……別碰我的靈氣就是了碗殷。

好吧，保持晦氣校镐！

我會沒事的亿扁，真的，我祝她幸福鸟廓。

- 不，你不會的襟己，沒錯引谜，

- 我不會的，去她的擎浴，她甩掉我员咽！

而且你一直都不知道她是女同性戀者。

沒有Ｖぁ贝室！行了吧？仿吞！為何大家都圍著這個話題打轉滑频？連她不知道，我怎會知道唤冈。

有時真希望自己也是個女同志峡迷。我剛剛大聲說出來了嗎？

昨晚我告訴我父母，他們好像還挺好绘搞。

真的嗎彤避，凌晨三點我接到一個電話，一個女人歇斯底里的向我哭訴夯辖，“我不能抱孫子了琉预，

我不能抱孫子了≥锕樱”那是什么模孩？打錯了？

對不起贮缅。

別悶悶不樂了医增，羅斯灌具。你現(xiàn)在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割。能告訴你解決之道嗎囤采？

脫衣舞酒店。你單身狰闪，有性需求辛润。

我不想單身的。我只想再結婚崎场。

我只想要一百萬佩耳！

- 瑞秋？谭跨！

- 天啊干厚，莫妮卡，謝天謝地螃宙！我到過你的住處蛮瞄，你不在。有個拿著一根大榔頭的人說你可能會在這兒谆扎，結果你真的在這兒挂捅。

想來杯咖啡嗎？

無咖啡因的堂湖。各位闲先，她叫瑞秋，另一位從林肯高中生存下來的人无蜂。這位叫錢德勒伺糠，菲比，喬伊酱讶。還記得我哥羅斯嗎退盯？

當然。

嗨。

你想現(xiàn)在告訴我們渊迁，還是等伴娘來再說慰照？

婚禮前半個小時發(fā)生了變數(shù)。我在堆放禮物的房間里琉朽，看著船形鹵肉盤毒租，非常漂亮的船形鹵肉盤，突然間……

有沒有代糖箱叁？我了解船形鹵肉盤此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣”墅垮，我自己都嚇了一跳，

巴瑞愈看愈像豬頭先生耕漱。我一直都認為他很眼熟算色。總之,我必須離開螟够。我開始想灾梦，我為何這么做？我為誰這樣做妓笙？于是我不知該走往何處若河，我知道你我日漸疏遠。但是你是我在這個城市寞宫，認識的唯一一個人萧福。

好像是唯一沒受邀參加婚禮的人。

這件事就甭提啦辈赋。

我猜他送她一臺管風琴鲫忍，她肯定不喜歡，

金槍魚還是雞蛋沙拉炭庙？快決定饲窿！

我要擁有克莉絲汀擁有的一切。

爸焕蹄，我不能嫁給他……對不起，我只是不愛他阀溶。對腻脏，是我的問題！

如果我沒了頭發(fā)银锻，

還不如去死永品。

她不該穿那條褲子。

我建議推她下樓击纬，

推她下樓鼎姐！推她下樓！推她下樓！

爸炕桨，你聽我說……大家這樣評價我這一輩子：你是一只鞋……今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋會怎樣饭尝。我說如果我想當皮包呢？

或是帽子呢献宫？不钥平，我不需你幫我買帽子。我說我是一頂帽子姊途。爸涉瘾，這是一種比喻。

你看他也有些問題捷兰。

爸立叛，這是我的人生」泵或許我會和莫妮卡住在這兒秘蛇。

我想我們已確定好誰要和莫妮卡住在這兒。

或許那是我的決定友扰⊥妫或許我不希罕你的錢。

等一下村怪，等一下……我說的是或許；嘟健！

深呼吸甚负，就這樣柬焕。試著想著美好的事物……

玫瑰上的雨滴，貓嘴上的胡須梭域，門鈴和雪橇之類的斑举。啦 啦 啦……還有手套……

我現(xiàn)在好多了。

我的功勞病涨。

或許這樣最好富玷，要自立，決定自己的事情既穆。

有任何需要找喬伊準沒錯赎懦。我和錢德勒就住在對面，而且他經(jīng)常不在家幻工。

喬伊,少趁虛而入了励两，今天是她大喜的日子。

什么囊颅？有規(guī)定不能嗎当悔？

別再這樣傅瞻，聲音很刺耳。

我是保羅盲憎。

天啊嗅骄，6:30了嗎？讓他進來焙畔！

保羅是誰掸读？調(diào)酒的那個保羅？

或許吧宏多。

等等,你今晚該不是真的要和調(diào)酒的那個保羅約會吧儿惫？

他終于開口約你了？對伸但。

終于被你等到了肾请。

瑞秋，等等更胖，我可以取消铛铁。

不用了，你去吧却妨，我不會有事的饵逐。

羅斯，你沒事吧彪标。你要我留下來嗎倍权？

那樣最好……

真的嗎？

- 假的捞烟，去吧薄声！是保羅，調(diào)酒師耶题画！

什么意思默辨？他是賣酒的，喝酒的苍息，還是評酒的缩幸？

請進！ 保羅竞思，這位是……

……各位桌粉，各位，他就是保羅衙四。

保羅……調(diào)酒大師。

抱歉患亿，我沒聽清楚你名字传蹈。保羅押逼，是嗎？

我馬上就好惦界，我去挑格，去……

神魂恍惚啦？

換衣服沾歪！請坐漂彤，兩秒鐘。

我剛拔掉四根睫毛灾搏，不妙挫望。

嗨，保羅狂窑！

嗯媳板，有何指教？

一個小秘密泉哈，莫妮卡其實就喜歡這樣蛉幸，你摩擦她脖子的同一個地方，反反復復丛晦，直到那里開始有點發(fā)紅奕纫。

喬伊你給我閉嘴！

瑞秋烫沙，你打算如何渡過今晚匹层？

我應該在前往阿魯巴渡蜜月的途中，因此沒了斧吐！

我懂又固，你沒去渡蜜月。雖然阿魯巴在此時……有很多……大蜥蜴煤率，如果你今晚不想獨處仰冠，喬伊和錢德勒要到我那兒幫我組合新家俱，

對蝶糯，我們都相當興奮洋只。

謝謝，但我今晚想待在這兒昼捍，我折磨了一天识虚。

好吧，當然妒茬。

菲此担锤，想幫忙嗎？

我可以去乍钻，但我不去肛循。

愛情似炎炎夏日中的陣雨般美妙铭腕，

love is a wondrous work of art,

but your love oh your love,your love...

is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.啦-啦-啦-啦-啦- 謝謝。

我應該用蝸桿將托架裝在側面多糠，但我沒看見托架和蝸桿累舷，而且，我的腳好麻夹孔。

我想我們做好書架了被盈。

真漂亮。

這是什么搭伤？

我只能說這是個“L”型托架只怎。

是哪兒的？

我也不知道闷畸。

書架做好了尝盼！終于做好了！

這是卡羅最愛喝的啤酒佑菩。

她總是不用杯子喝盾沫，我早應該看出蛛絲馬跡。

嗨…………

如果你再這樣殿漠，我們就走了赴精。

對啊，請不要破壞這里的樂趣绞幌。

羅斯蕾哟，我問你一個問題。

她分得家俱莲蜘，音響和好電視谭确。

你分得什么？

你們票渠。

天啊逐哈。

你昏頭了吧。

嗯问顷，天鞍和骸！

嗯杜窄，天啊肠骆。

我知道，我是個大白癡塞耕。

她每周看四五次牙醫(yī)時我就該了解蚀腿，

我指牙齒能有多干凈？

我哥正承受著這種痛苦扫外，

一副失魂落魄的樣子唯咬。

你是怎么熬過來的纱注？

你可以不小心砸爛她貴著的東西，如她的……

她的……

……腿胆胰？

這樣也不賴！我……

我砸爛了她的表刻获。

你真的砸爛過她的表蜀涨？

哇！我做過的最壞的事情是蝎毡，

我撕碎了男朋友最喜歡的浴巾厚柳。

嗯,機智脫身。

對啊沐兵。

巴瑞别垮，真是對不起。

你一定認為此事與我那次說的話有關扎谎，

關于你做愛時碳想，

穿著襪子，

其實不是毁靶，

問題出在我身上胧奔，我……

答錄機又把我掛斷了。

不管怎樣……瞧瞧预吆，瞧瞧龙填，

我知道某個女孩會不可思議的，

成為凡可?巴瑞太太拐叉，

但那不是我岩遗，不是我。

而我現(xiàn)在連我自己是誰都不知道凤瘦，

但你還應該給我一個機會向你……

我離婚啦宿礁！

我才26歲就離婚啦！

閉嘴廷粒！

你還是停下來吧窘拯！

我才花了一小時。

看啊坝茎，羅斯涤姊，你應該理解，

我們認識不是太久嗤放，

但你和一個女人相愛已經(jīng)四年了思喊，

四年的封閉和分享，

最后她把你的心都麻醉了次酌，

這就是我們?yōu)槭裁床贿@樣做恨课！

這還不是最重要的舆乔！

你知道最可怕的是什么？

萬一每個人一生只有一個女人怎么辦剂公？

我的意思是如果你只有一個女人時該怎么辦希俩？

不幸地我唯一的女人愛的是……她

你在說什么？一個女人纲辽。

那就像在說你只能吃一種口味的冰淇淋颜武，

羅斯，告訴你吧拖吼，

冰淇淋的口種有千百種鳞上。

有各種點心糖果冰淇淋……

你可以加上小糖條或是核果，

或是奶油吊档，

這是你一生中最美好的事篙议。

你八歲時就結婚了吧？

歡迎來到世界怠硼！ 抓住勺子鬼贱！

我真的不知道自己是饑渴還是欲火焚身？

那么就別碰我家的冰箱拒名。

自從她甩掉我之后我吩愧，

什么？…………

什么增显，你打算邊嚼面條邊講雁佳？

不，這就像是”第五次約會真情告白”

有第五次約會同云？

不需要嗎糖权？

需要，我想需要的炸站。

你剛才想說什么星澳？

這個……呃……

自從她離開后，

我就一直無法……沒做過……

……性方面的……

天啊,天啊,對不起,對不起旱易。

沒關系……

你現(xiàn)在需要的應該不是讓人吐口水吧禁偎。

多久了？

兩年了阀坏。

哇如暖！真高興你砸爛了她的表！

你還想要第五次約會忌堂？

……當然想盒至。

我們今天來這里參加

喬安妮?路易絲?坎寧安和查爾斯?

恰棋-恰棋-恰棋?阿可勒的神圣婚禮。

喔……看……喬安妮愛的是恰棋。

差別就在這兒枷遂！

抓住勺子樱衷。

知道我等著“抓這把勺子”等了多久嗎？

你對”此爾酒唉，別逞英雄”這句話有感覺嗎矩桂？

非常對不起！

但我要走了黔州，

我有個約會耍鬓，和

安德里亞……安吉拉……安德里亞……嗨，

安吉拉喜歡尖叫流妻，安德里亞養(yǎng)貓。

對笆制。謝謝绅这。六月份了。我走了在辆。

是這樣的证薇。

就算我鼓起勇氣約女人出去，

但我要約誰呀匆篓？

神奇吧浑度？我這輩子從沒泡過咖啡。

真神奇鸦概。

恭喜了箩张。

你看，我覺得只要我會泡咖啡窗市，

就沒有什么不行先慷。

如果能侵入波蘭，

就能征服一切咨察。

如果你興致大發(fā)想做蛋餅论熙，

老實說我不太餓……

好啊，Lenny和Squigy來啦摄狱。

早安脓诡。早安。

早安媒役。

早安,保羅祝谚。

你好,保羅。

嗨,保羅,是嗎刊愚？踊跟？

謝謝你！太謝謝你了！

好了商玫！

不行箕憾，我要告訴你昨晚就像

我所有的生日，畢業(yè)典禮拳昌，

和谷倉收獲季節(jié)加在一起一樣袭异。

晚點打電話。

好炬藤。謝謝御铃。

那還不叫約會？沈矿！

那你真正的約會到底干些什么上真？

閉嘴,把桌子抬回去。

好吧羹膳！

孩子們睡互，我要上班去了。

如果我不輸入那些數(shù)字……

也沒什么關系……

你們大伙兒都有工作陵像？

對就珠，我們都有工作。

這樣才有錢買東西醒颖。

對妻怎，我是個演員。

我見過你嗎泞歉？逼侦？

大概沒見過吧。

我大部份都是在地區(qū)性的節(jié)目中演出疏日。

等等偿洁，除非你看過小木偶的重播。

這也算是工作吧沟优？

瞧涕滋，蓋佩多，我是個活生生的小男孩挠阁。

我不會理睬這種羞辱宾肺。

你說得對,抱歉。

我曾是個小木偶……小木偶……

告訴你們侵俗，他死定了锨用。

嗨，錢德勒隘谣？

今天感覺如何增拥？

睡得還好吧啄巧？和巴瑞通過電話嗎？

我無法停止笑掌栅。

我看得出來秩仆。

你這樣子像是昨晚口中含著衣架睡覺。

我知道猾封，他是那么……

還記得你和東尼戴馬克澄耍？

記得。

就像那樣晌缘。那樣感覺齐莲。

你惹上麻煩了。

大麻煩磷箕！

需要婚紗嗎选酗？幾乎沒用過的。

我想我們有點不知所以了岳枷。

我要清醒星掰，去工作。

整天都不想他嫩舟，

或者只是清醒然后去工作。

- 祝我幸運怀偷！

為什么家厌？

我要去找工作。

嗨椎工，莫妮卡饭于！

法蘭妮，歡迎回來维蒙！

佛羅里達如何掰吕？

你們上床了，對不颅痊？

你怎么看出來的殖熟？

哦，我恨你斑响，我推著我的洛茲阿姨經(jīng)過帕羅叢林菱属，

你卻在做愛！

和誰呀该酗？

認識保羅嗎吏奸？

保羅酝陈，那個調(diào)酒的？

對赏陵，我認識保羅。

你認識保羅像我認識他一樣？

愛說笑蝙搔，

他還得謝我呢缕溉。

遇到我之前他已有兩年無法入道。

顯然他是騙你的杂瘸！

為什么倒淫？

為什么會有人那樣做？

我想答案比

”設法騙你上床”更復雜败玉。

我恨男人敌土！我恨男人！

不运翼，別恨返干，你也不想把他們丟出宇宙吧。

問題出在我身上血淌？

難道我有特殊氣味矩欠。

只有狗和感情有嚴著問題的男人才聞得到。

過來悠夯，腳給我癌淮。

我以為他是個好男人。

我無法相信你不懂這是騙局沦补。

猜猜看乳蓄？

你找到工作了？

開玩笑夕膀？ 我書都白念了虚倒！

今天的十二個面試全泡湯了。

不過你卻異常興奮产舞。

換成是你魂奥，你也會一樣。

如果你遇見John and David的皮靴打五折易猫。

你真是太了解我了耻煤。

這是我的新皮靴，

我不需要工作擦囊，不需要父母违霞，

因為我有新皮靴！

你怎么付錢瞬场？

信用卡啊买鸽。

卡費誰費？

我爸贯被。

天啊眼五，好啦妆艘，有必要嗎？

我是說看幼，我可以隨時忍住揮霍的批旺。

成熟點，你不能靠你爸一輩子诵姜。

我知道汽煮，所以我選擇結婚。

饒了她吧棚唆，第一次獨立并不輕松暇赤。

謝謝。

不客氣宵凌。我記得我第一次來到紐約時的情況鞋囊，

當時我十四歲，我媽剛自殺瞎惫，

我繼父再度入獄溜腐，

我在這兒人生地不熟。

最后我和患白化癥的男人同居瓜喇。

他為港務局的人清洗車窗挺益。

后來他自殺了。

然后我找到芳香按摩治療的工作乘寒。

所以請相信我你的心情我能體會矩肩。

你需要的是，

“無論如何”……

好的肃续，準備好了嗎？

不叉袍。不始锚，不，我沒準備好喳逛！

我怎么會準備好呢瞧捌？

嗨，瑞秋润文！你準備好不用降落傘跳出飛機嗎姐呐？

不行，我不行典蝌！

你能行的, 我知道你能行曙砂！

我不覺得.

來吧，你會泡咖啡骏掀！

你就什么都可以鸠澈！

來柱告，剪，剪笑陈，剪际度，剪……

你們知道嗎？

我認為我們可以把它們留在那里涵妥。

只做個象征性的姿勢就可以了乖菱。

瑞秋！? 那是借書卡蓬网！

剪窒所，剪，剪拳缠，剪墩新，剪，剪窟坐，剪……

知道嗎海渊，如果你們仔細聽，

你們會聽到上千的商家在尖叫哲鸳。

歡迎來到現(xiàn)實的世界臣疑。

糟透了，但你會喜歡的徙菠！

好讯沈，就到這。

你要睡在沙發(fā)上嗎婿奔？

不缺狠，我要回家。

你沒事吧萍摊？

還好挤茄。

嗨，看我在地板上發(fā)現(xiàn)什么冰木？

什么穷劈？

那是保羅的手表。

放回原地就好了踊沸。

好歇终。晚安,各位。

晚安逼龟。

嗯……

對不起评凝。- 不，不腺律，不肥哎，走開-

吃吧,我不餓辽俗。

分開？

行篡诽。

你大概不知道我在高中時崖飘，

肯定能迷死你。

我知道杈女。

你知道朱浴？ 哦……

我總想你認為我不過是莫妮卡的書呆子哥哥。

沒錯达椰。

你是否認為如果拋開其他不好的因素翰蠢，

我能偶爾約你出去嗎？有時啰劲？有可能梁沧？

好，或許吧……

或許我會的……

晚安蝇裤。

晚安廷支。

回頭見……

等等，你怎么了栓辜？

我剛“抓住了勺子”恋拍！

我真不敢相信我的耳朵。

我真不敢相信我的耳朵藕甩。

我說你有一個……

我說你有一個……

你有完沒完施敢？

我的老毛病又犯了？

沒錯狭莱！

我是說你有一個不錯的屁股僵娃，

但不是個了不起的屁股。

它又沒跳起來咬過你腋妙，你怎么知道不是了不起悯许。

只是想象。

誰要喝咖啡辉阶？

你煮的還只是端過來而已？

端來而已瘩扼。

好,好,給我來杯咖啡谆甜。

孩子們，新夢……

我在拉斯維加斯集绰。

嗨规辱，小姐？加點咖啡栽燕？

嗯罕袋，勞駕改淑，請遞給那個人？

去啊浴讯。

謝謝朵夏。

對不起。好榆纽，拉斯維加斯仰猖。

我在拉斯維加斯……

我是麗莎明妮莉……

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